I just found out h had sex (not affair?)and ow called to say baby is on way. She called shortly after it ended.<P>H begs me to keep him. no dna. doesn't want kid or her.<BR> She has 3 kids. we went out with her and h as recently as summer.<P>I'm so messed up. Saw my priest 2 x's. He went Sat. Wants us to counsel together. Not willing to end marriage after affair but cuuld never accept oc. NEVER.<P> Help! pain is incredible!!!!!<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear Gemini.<BR>I found out about my husband's OC last June. Hold on to my promise that in your darkest hours there is always hope. I am now 1 1/2 year down the road and have more better days than bad days. I had been married 22 years with three teen-age children when I discovered his affair and a 3 yr old daughter. It is awful. The destruction of dreams, the shame, the fear, the anger, the self-doubt, all of it...searing, soul-searching pain. I think it hurts some more than others because maybe we're more trusting or love more deeply. Who knows? I do know there is hope. Not for a return to the past, but a creation of a new future if your betraying spouse is willing to do everything possible to woo you back for years to come. My husband is 100% responsible for helping me recover. I've wanted to run so many times, but he could have stayed with the OW and the child he loves desperately, but he chose me. He must have some type of love to still be trying. <BR>Give yourself time and a lot of talking (communicating) to each other. Fight fair and don't walk away from each other. My prayers are with you in your darkest time. Peace lover.

Thanks peacelover. Your h loves ow child?<P>My h wants nothing to do with it. He's called a lawyer to see what he can do about paternity test.They were uor friends! I toldher things like in july,I said if you have any viagra,give some to my h he's having problems lol.Imagine how thrilled that made her feel!! he said the problem was guilt, that he felt so bad for what he had done...but they continued for a few more times.<P> Pl, I want him,but all I could do is see them together in my mind..I hate forthcoming c! our son is 21 for goodness sakes! I do not want another w kid around next 50 yrs!!!!<P>Thank's for insight! Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

Dear gemini1,<P>As hard as it seems, don't focus on the baby right now. Focus on you and your marriage. If she got pregnant by your husband then she CHOSE her circumstances. Let her deal with what's going on. In the meantime, might I suggest cutting off all contact with her until the baby comes? If you have to, change numbers (all of them). <BR>I feel your pain. My husband's child was recently born and we're still reeling from this nightmare. <BR>Try to let go of those spur of the moment declarations for right now. Focus on what you know...<BR>**your marriage had issues<BR>**the issues were made manifest by an affair<BR>**the affair is over<BR>**your husband still loves you<BR>**your future with him is up to the two of you.<BR>Just slow down, get centered, tie another knot in the rope and hang in there. It will get better. <P>

Gemini1<P>The pain is unbearable in the beginning. The emotions are so wild and confusing and the betrayal and anger feels like it will go on forever. In fact, the anger does goes on for a while. But, as every one of us who has been dealing with this problem for a while can tell you -- it does get better.<P>You will smile again, you will laugh again, you will be able to live your life again. And, yes, you will mourn the loss of the marriage that you had and the H that you thought you had, but you will realize that (surprise, surprise) you are married to a mortal man. That mortal man makes mistakes and bad choices and that's all it was this time. He was a sperm donor that's all. And juding from his reaction to the news of the OC, you will have an easier time in recovery than most of us whose H's want to have contact with the OC.<P>The betrayal hurts the most when it is someone you considered a "friend". But you trusted this woman with an innocent heart -- the fact that she chose to betray that trust is no reflection on you in any way. <P>You are lucky that your H does not want any involvement with the OC. A lawyer will be able to advise you how to best protect yourself from any future attacks from the OW.<P>My H and I went to counselling immediately after the affair and we were told that it was important for me to ask as many questions as I needed to and for him to answer those questions honestly and without anger. But only do this if knowing the answers can help you to let go of the anger.<P>The big question you want to know has no satisfactory answer. That is "Why?" I kept asking that and I only stopped when I realized that there is absolutely nothing he could say that would make it acceptable to throw away our sacred marriage vows.<P>As you get used to the situation, you will find that you will be able to take more control over what you are thinking and how often. Conjuring up images of them together does not do any good to anyone -- it hurts you more and it keeps the anger hot. And besides you would be picturing the love that he shares only with YOU and that is not what he was sharing with that woman. She was a cheap thrill, perhaps a side effect of mid-life crisis. Treat her and the memory of her with the contempt that she deserves.<P>Sorry to be so long winded, but it will get better -- you will survive -- and hopefully you and your H will find a whole new level of love and communication that will last you for the rest of your life.<P>I will be praying for you.<BR>- Heavenly

gemini1,<P>i can totally understand your feelings on the OC. i know i could never accept the OC. luckily for our marriage, my H wants no relationship with OW or OC. we will of course pay child support once the courts order it and the DNA proves it his child.<P>out of curiosity, what did your priest say about a relationship with OC? my priest said that my H has no moral obligation to an emotional relationship with OC, just an financial obligation to support child. that our marriage is first and foremost. i know catnip was told the same thing basically, so i was just curious what he told you and your husband.<P>we are 4 years post affair, he told me shortly after, it was "just sex" too. no emotional affair on his part, she on the other hand "still loves him" even after all this time. gag me with a spoon. anyway, child is 3 years old. we are awaiting court ordered DNA test, haven't received date or time when my H must go do that. we will be paying for the 3 years she was on welfare and didn't supposedly want anything to do with him. until they threatened to cut off her benefits... so much for how she wanted a baby and didn't want him involved, etc.<P>the pain gets less. my only struggle is internally, battling with guilt over not being able to accept the OC and that she will never know her dad. though i can rationalize it in my head sometimes, i just haven't found that peace within yet. i hope to soon find it. i desperately need it.<P>so hang in there. if you think your marriage is worth saving than go for it. our marriage is honestly better than it has ever been, and we are definitely on the road to forever. <P>take care, and glad you found us.<P>happy_girl

Dear Gemini<P>I am so sorry to hear about your pain. I read your story and felt like it was me all over again. Keep up the faith and strength..and keep in mind...even though he had an affair and their may be another child involved...Your H wants you and wants to save the marriage..Unlike myself..whereas my H wants no part of me or our children...he would rather be a part of the OW and OC life than ours. Draw strength from these people...They will be your guide, and help you get through this difficult time..It is difficult to deal with whether you have been married 1 year or 100 years...Betrayal and everything that goes along with it is worse than death, because there is no closure...only time will heal...Time and a lot of prayer! Take care of yourself and I will keep you in my prayers in this time of need.<P>AloneandSad<P>------------------<BR>

To all you dear sweet people who feel like I do thanks. I'm so relieved to hear your words.<P>Fr. Bliss is still telling me not to think in future,just a day at a time and Jesus forgives my hatred of oc.I'm in disbelief that I could think such thoughts of oc. It's not like me.I'm not religious,but believe in God. I called priest bcuz 4 days after the NEWS I was feeling desperate.I was filled with hate and anger. I neede to talk. He saw me right away and talked and prayed with me 3 1/2 hrs.<P>He gave me his card to put in mail for my husband.I couldn't believe he actually went!<BR>No sessions together yet. working on me till a few wks go by. I just found out 13th nov.<P>I will ask about what he thinks about oc when I see him again next wk.<P> Fr. was married w/2 children when wife died at 36 from cancer. He's psychiatrist. Raised ch. thru his practice. When ch grew married and moved he felt he needed more and went to seminary. I feel God put him at our parish just for me!<P>Oh my H is so sorry. He said it was never me,but him. That I never deserved this. That he always loved me but couldn't resist it when she teased him. He never had any intentions of leaving and she knew it.<P>I think she tricked him bcuz she said she was on pill.I think(know) she fell in love and as a woman thought this would keep him.(if it's even his). As a woman I would try it,I think.<P>I feel so bad for her H. He's moved out. I feel bad for 11, 8, 6 yr old kids.How will they forgive her for this mess?<P>Thanks for listening to me! prayers and peace,Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

It may not sound like it, but you may be in better situation than a lot of us. If you H is regretful and does not plan to stay in contact with OW and does not want contact with OC.... that is GREAT! And if this OW is married you may want to check into your state law on paternity. Most states declare that a child born in a marriage is the child of the mother's husband. It technically won't matter about your H, unless he pursues it. <P>If this woman is smart she will leave you alone & let this child be raised by her husband. In fact, how does she know it is not her husbands child? Surely she does not plan to tear apart her children and their family over this? <P>The only reason you son needs to know is if you decide to tell him. I don't know what would be gained.<P>Read Surviving an Affair. You can regain trust and love if you both want it. Please let go of the hate and anger. It will only hurt you and kill your peace of mind. There is no reason to give up your happiness and peace of mind over what these two did. It most likely was just a sexual thing. Men can easily do that and feel perfectly ok. Start with yourself and take care of you, then your marriage. There is no need to think about this OW or OC at this point.<P>Take care...

Hi to all my understanding strangers,<BR>We are going out to dinner tomorrow.<BR>He says he severed all contact with ow and truly wants me. I believe him.<BR>I'm scared though,bcuz what if he tries to change my mind after c is born?<P>I don't want him to move back in.I'm too worried this temporary bliss will end if he changes his mind about oc.<P>I hope she and her h get together for sake of small WANTED c of their marriage.(3)<P>I had a bad crying day regardless of everything. The pain is incredible!!!<BR>Like a death..huh?<P>Ok guys, chins up! One day at a time!<P>Thanks for all encouraging words,I truly appreciate it.Besides Priest I don't want to talk face to face with anyone.You guys are the best.<BR> ttyl Debi<P>------------------<BR>Imagine....

My Husband's OC was here over the weekend. When she took a nap (4 yo) she crawled out of bed and went to sleep under a chair. She took my husband's trousers and shirt and wrapped them around her. She was sound asleep. She deserves none of this. Her pain is equal to mine.<BR>

gemini,<BR>you're getting some fine replies so I won't repeat everything. Just want to note that I agree with you that this situation is like a death of a close family member. It is the same grief process, the same OVERwhelming feelings(!) of anger, sadness, etc. and it takes years to resolve. My H and I lost a baby at birth 5 years ago and the recovery process for this affair/OC has been similar, in some ways worse, in some ways easier. I too knew the XOW--double betrayal. It is a death, the death of what you thought to be true, what you thought you could depend on. I will never be the same.<P>So sorry you're here but this is a great support board.<BR>Best wishes,<BR>Jenny--in recovery 2+ years--woohoo!

Geeze Jenny,what a horrible thing to deal with.Your story made me cry(I cry a lot anyway).Do you have contact w/oc? Oh,honey I feel so bad.My son is 21 and a blessing conceived in love and wanted.I have endometriosis and was lucky to have him.<P>Peacelover,I could never take part in this UNWANTED chils life.ow/h is willing to stay and raise oc as his own.She doesn't know what to do.I hope she choses him for all her kid's sake.If I had to see it , it would be a constant reminder of betrayal and I know my limitations,can't do it.<P>We will never repair our marriage with oc present. He can't have it all.<P>Bless all of us. At least sun is shining today.Here, anyway. Debi<P>Hey Heavenly-body r u a Yankees fan? I am and love baseball!<BR>------------------<BR>Imagine....<p>[This message has been edited by gemini1 (edited November 29, 2000).]