Dear Catnip,<P>I know exactly how you feel ... my H's entire family knows about the OC - even his children from his first marriage (they are grown). Everyone has met the OC and they have some limited contact with her.<P>When I first found out that everyone knew I felt like the town fool. It was the hardest thing to be around people who knew that my H had slept with another woman and had a child with another woman. It is such a public repudiation of our marriage vows that it makes it difficult for you to feel that people are not either feeling sorry for you or laughing at you.<P>And even though, as with all things related to this situation, the feelings lessen with time, there are still times when I shy away from gatherings where my H's family will be present in numbers. <P>I am a very proud person and the last thing that I want is for people to feel sorry for me. That is the part that drives me crazy. I have other history with my mil and sil so, in their cases, I have the feeling that they are happy that my marriage "failed".<P>We seem to share some personality traits, Catnip. I also appear strong on the outside, but inside, I am easily hurt and easily humiliated. This OC situation has brutally damaged me on the inside although I manage to keep it together on the outside.<P>I guess I am a traditional person who believes that you simply DO NOT have other children with other women when you have a wife. The simple fact that he has this child is a humiliation that stays on my mind all the time.<P>We all wish that the laws would change, but dear Catnip, do not be a scapegoat if it will hurt you. I already know that I could not bear to make my situation public. My situation is even worse because my H and I work together and all of our colleagues would know the whole story.<P>Do what is right for you because you have been hurt enough. Don't hurt yourself more to get back at the OW. Think it through and be guided by your true feelings.<P>- Heavenly

Heavenly:<P>If you're a Pisces, I'll spit.<P>I've noticed similarities as well...and its comforting to know you're around.<P>A very good friend of mine, Bystander, suggests that perhaps my reluctance to reveal the OC to our family is due in part to "other validation", which I take to mean that I get my self worth from how my husband is perceived. <P>While I have always felt pride in my husbands accomplishments, they were his achievements. I do not believe I felt better about myself when he achieved them. I know we all identify with our spouses on some level.<P>While Bystander does have a point, I don't know if this applies to me yet. This is something I will have to mull over. <P>I am stunned by my strength. I didn't know I had it in me. And I guess it is a source of pride for me to know that I can endure so much and survive.<P>Babstr:<P>As far as abandoning the personal injury lawsuit against the OW, I can't do that. I have to go forward with it.<P>Next Monday, the 22nd, the NY family court has ordered my husband to appear before them. We cannot do this strictly for financial reasons. I have sent a certified letter requesting a telephone testimany for that day. They have not responded yet and I am concerned. I know that of he did show up, he would end up as their guest for the next six months. I have a package of documentation that I am sending to the hearing officer in the hope this time they will take the time to read everything and go through all our records and adjust the payments and arrears accordingly to something fair and reasonable.<P>I am really, really going to need prayers for the 22nd that maybe, just maybe justice will prevail.<P>Flowerseed:<P>I really appreciate your support. I don't think this will create any real hardship for me. As a veteran of this mess, it will be a walk in the park...and probably quite satisfying. My only concern is preserving anonymity.<BR>Thanks in advance for all your good wishes.<P>Catnip =^^= aka Jane Doe

Catnip, Well than you need a cheer go catnip go get her go legally kick her A** . You will be making all of us feel like we got just a little bit of control back in this out of control situtation that we are all in. We will all be here for you. Iam very proud of you. I wish I could be there. with love flowerseed <P>------------------<BR>`Look ahead or you will find yourself behind.<p>[This message has been edited by flowerseed (edited January 16, 2001).]

Dear Catjohnnipdoester,<P> (What the *******?)<P><BR> I am a milk-toast on the outside, but I'm a jellyfish on the inside!!<P> Whenever I feel sorry for myself, all I have to do is read one of your posts to realize, "I aint got it so bad!" <BR> <BR> God bless you, Catnip,<P>------------------<BR><P>Gregg