I found this site through the yahoo search engine and I'm hoping that you can help me get my friend out of a situation. His wife if six months pregnant with twin boys and someone decided to alert her that he was having an affair. I think that it was extremely cruel to do that to her especially since she is pregnant but the person who did it claimed to be a friend. I think my situation is a little different because he is cheating, and he is cheating with me, but I do not want him in anyway shape or form to leave his wife and he does not want to leave her. They go through bad times where their marriage is really stressful to him and when we get together we just have fun and he goes away feeling better and less stressed and things go smoothly and home again because he is less tense (at least this is what he tells me). We talk on the phone and are friends. We have had this sort of relationship for a couple of years and there have been two other times when his wife had clues about us and each time I was able to help him get out of trouble and back into the bedroom where he belongs. This time is much different because she is totally devastated and she won't even talk to him...not even screaming or yelling and she won't eat which I fear is jeopardizing those unborn babies. He's asked me for help on how to make it better this time and I don't know what to tell him. How do we make it better this time and get him out of trouble and back in her good graces? He's told me that if he didn't have me as a tension releaser, things would be much worse in their marriage and they would probably end up hating each other. He's tried to ask her to go to counseling with him and he even tried to go by himself before but it did not work. She won't go to counseling because she says only crazy people need counseling and she's not crazy --- those were actually her words. I just want to know what I can tell him to do for her or say to her that will get her to calm down again. Any suggestions?

The only advice I have for you is to get out of the situation and stay out. You have been a crutch in his life for far too long. There are no quick fix-its for the mess you have helped create. If you trully want to be his friend end the relationship now. <BR>The others will be along soon to give you their opinions.

No, she's not crazy.<P>This is going to sound harsh, but it's the only way, if you're really concerned about their marriage, his wife and their babies.<P>You and he need to stop your affair. No more contact. PERIOD!<P>He needs to tell her the truth and recommit to her, if he loves her and wants to stay married to her. She knows he's lying to her, and continuing to lie will only make things worse. It is HER call as to whether their marriage survives. He has no right to string her along in a marriage by pretending to be her husband. Yes, that's right....PRETENDING to be her husband. When he broke his marriage vows to her, he ceased to be one with her.<P>Cheating with you is NOT making their marriage better by making him "less tense". That is a load of BULLS***.<P>So, the best thing you can do to help their marriage is to get the heck out of their lives....for good.<P>Not easy, I know, but absolutely necessary.

Dear onlyfriends,<P>Wow, this is a tough one to respond to. i am hoping that you hear me out with an open mind. I am going to put things as clearly and honestly that I can without trying to be judgemental.<P>first, you need to realize that the w's reaction to what she has found out is natural. i wanted to kill myself when I found out about my h's affair - just to stop the pain. It hurt so bad that I can't even being to describe it. It would be like trying to tell a man what the pain of childbirth is like. There are just no words that can fully encompass it.<P>Second, tell your "friend" to come to this website, with his wife if possible. The Harveys have outlined the most effective steps a couple can take to repair their marriage in the aftermath of the affair. I can not, in this post, do justice to their plan by attempting to repeat it here. If this is not possible, tell them to look for the book, "Surviving the Affair" at their local library.<P>Third (and this is the part that you are not going to want to hear) you must accept that in order for your friend to save his marriage, he will have to sacrifice his friendship with you. He can never begin to salvage his wife's trust in him or his own self-worth if he continues to participate in an adulterous relationship with you.<P>It is hard for everybody here to give advice to "other women" without bashing them. i have done the best that I can do. I hope you will read my words and take them to heart. I will be glad to post further if you have comments or questions regarding my response. In the meantime, perhaps you might check out the entire Marriage Builders website to get further insight into this.<BR>-cd

I guess I never really looked at myself as an "other woman" because I've never tried to have a parallel life with him. I always thought that "other women" were the women that try to steal a husband from a wife or act as a girlfriend with the husband. I never EVER tried to or wanted to take him from anyone. We've never even had sex! We do fun things like go bowling, watch movies, and play games. And sometimes we just talk. A friend of mine said that is cheating because if her husband talked to any other female and bonded with another female the way C has with me, she would consider it cheating. But that's neither here nor there. Believe me, I have offered up the suggestion that he just not see me anymore and tell her we are not friends anymore. That suggestion kind of backfired because he said, " You care about me and my marriage that much that you would be willing to end our friendship to help me?" I said yes and that just made him like me even more. He said if he lost me as a friend then he would end up resenting his wife for it and he knew it. So then I told him to just explain it to her that there was never any sex, that I was just someone to talk to and he said that wouldn't work because she'd be even more upset about an emotional bond that she would a physical one (does that make sense? I didn't quite get that.) So since I was all out of ideas, I came here.

onlyfriends,<P>You're caught up in what would be termed an 'Emotional Affair'. And while you might think that it's a whole lot better than a physical affair, it can be just as damaging to a marriage---in some cases, it's even worse, because there's nothing "wrong" with being "only friends"... right???<P>Well, it's not right. For your friend's sake, and the sake of his marriage, you should:<P>1. Let him know about this site, and encourage him to start marriage counseling (via phone) with one of the Harley's (Steve or Jenn---the number for appointments is 888-639-1639). I'd tell him that this counseling can be very effective, even if his wife doesn't buy into it at first.<P>2. Wish him good luck, and then completely stop contact with him. You might want to drop his wife a line stating your intent to never see him again, but I could go either way on that suggestion.<P>That's it---about the best thing you can do for his marriage is to get out of his life forever. Point him here, and if he shows up, we'll try to get him through the rest of it.

And another thought: if you want to know how common your situation is, you should buy <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6070_sa.html" TARGET=_blank>Surviving an Affair</A>. Just a few of your statements are "classic", and they're outlined so well in this book that you'll swear that you're reading about YOUR affair.

Listen to K!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <P>Another thought, what you are doing could also be described as enabling and co-dependency. You were (I say were as it's obviously a new crisis point) enabling this man to be a conflict avoider, to avoid facing their marital problems, such that it never gets worked out in a new or better way. It just keeps limping along, wounded but never healing. This is exactly what my H's affair did, allow him an out for his resentment without facing his issues.<P>If you really want what's best for this family, GET OUT!! It will get worse for them before it gets better, but GIVE them that chance!! Don't be this man's crutch. If a couple years go by and the now-MM is free and single man without any involvement with his wife, then you can be "friends" without the guilt of being part of any potential divorce. Don't deprive his children of their father now.