I hear your concerns Jen, and appreciate all you've done for me so far.

As for the feelings of an EA, it's all in my head. She assured me when she was chatting with this guy online that she has no interest in him that way. I need to show her that I trust her, even though my own insecurities tell me that a W should want to be with her H. I know she feels that I don't have faith in her love for me, so it's got to be important for her that I show that I do have faith, even if it's been a personal insecurity of mine in EVERY relationship I've ever been in. he's not her type either. She says she likes to be around her because he's funny and she likes his sense of humor. It should be comfort to me that she DID SAY that he's a high energy person and we are both laid back people (normally) so she didn't think she could possibly handle more then 1.5 hrs with him before she'd want to come home. However she also pushed my buttons by mentionning how fit he is (apparently he works out 2x/day), how funny he is, and that they may go out for drinks, since she'd be taking the train. She never drank with me, and knowing that it must be hard for me to not drink (especially now) I think it was mean to mention she would do that. But as our mutual friend pointed out, "she'll get out there, and realize that it isn't all that, and that she (hopefully) would rather be with you. But you have to show her you're a strong man, and not a snivelling controlling boy" It's just hard to feel like a man, when it feeling like a man to me is providing FS and SF, which apparently aren't ENs of hers. I'm told I need to focus on something that I can control and show her that I am a MAN. Let her determine if I'm the man she loves. It's just so hard to let go, when you want to pull someone closer, yet I'm afraid if I don't do it, I'll be pushing her further rather then pulling her closer. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

God, does it ever get easier? anyone?

Jen, you are a saint!

Your are just too good too be a newbie. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> As for the feelings of an EA, it's all in my head. She assured me when she was chatting with this guy online that she has no interest in him that way...they may go out for drinks, since she'd be taking the train. She never drank with me, and knowing that it must be hard for me to not drink (especially now) I think it was mean to mention she would do that. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">K, I don't know about you, but I'm definitely not liking the sound of this. Unfortunately, I don't know exactly how to advise you, but I'm going to include some links below that might shed some light. One thing I am hearing over and over again is that it is never appropriate for one spouse to have a relationship, platonic or otherwise, with a member of the opposite sex that does not include the spouse. This is dangerous territory HM; she's playing with fire.

Hang in there! Check out these links and hopefully we'll get you some vets soon!

Jen

Plan A, Doormats, and Love Busters

180 Degree Divorce Busting List

How to Avoid an Affair

Why Women Leave Men

HM,

The best place to get support from some of the regulars here, is to move this thread over to the JFO or GQII boards. I'm going to read and reply when I can. I'm really trying to help a friend who JFO yesterday and is in deep crisis. But I will post to you soon. Good Luck.

Star*fish,

I already emailed the Mod, at Jen's request to have the thread moved to ENs, but nothing has happened so far. I don't know how to move it myself.

I hear you all when you say that having private friends and lives exclusive of each other is a bad idea. My older sister said the same thing, until I read her W's letters to me. I have smothered this woman for so long and she feels I have prevented her from having a life without me as the sole focus.

She feels I have no faith in her or ner love for me, and she has expressly told me how much this hurts her. I was cheated on before in a g/f relationship so it;s always a fear of mine. I need to make sure that my insecurity doesn't make her feel like I've got her on a collar. For 7 years she has had NO ONE BUT ME. Not a friend from work or ANYTHING. If she needs to have friends now, whether it's for advice on our relationship, or just to be able to talk about something other then us, I need to be understanding and let that happen. If she told me there's no EA, I need to show that i have faith in her, and that I trust her. That I am not a slave to my own insecurity. What makes it hard for me to do that is that I'm hurting so bad right now, and there's only one person who can alleviate that hurt, and she in not in a position to do that right now. Please keep in mind that it has been 7 days since our first discussion on these things, and only 4 days since we stopped talking about it non-stop. It has been 5 days since I sobered up, and as hard as it may be for me, I KNOW that time will help things. I am trying to make sure that she feels comfortable and safe at home. She is aware that I am here for her for anything she needs whenever she needs it. If she feels the need to go out and have a life, that I (and her prior ex) have made her feel she can't, I should let her...shouldn't I? Should I not have faith when she says she has been faithful? Should I not trust her when she says she loves me? I think it's my job as a husband to do these things. It's just so difficult to do these things, when I feel as I feel. But I'm trying. Isn't that the most important thing? If she leaves me for someone else, I'll at least know that I tried to talk to her about things, and she shut me out. I tried to give her space, and she walked away. I tried to have faith and trust in her, and she would have betrayed it. IF she does those things, which I pray (and I'm not a religious person) she won't do, then at least I know that I grew and I did my best...and I kicked the alcohol habit during the whole thing. In the face of disaster I must try to persevere.....right?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> For 7 years she has had NO ONE BUT ME. Not a friend from work or ANYTHING. If she needs to have friends now, whether it's for advice on our relationship, or just to be able to talk about something other then us, I need to be understanding and let that happen. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes, absolutely you should let her have friends and rediscover herself. If she has felt smothered and needs to broaden her horizons a little, absolutely you should allow her that. What concerns me is that she's not seeking friendship from a woman, but from a man. That's why I would be sleepin' with one eye open if I were you. I certainly don't want to make you paranoid about it, but I just don't think you should allow yourself to be too comfortable with it. Hopefully when you get some words of wisdom from the vets, you'll have a better idea of what you can do to prevent this from becoming any kind of affair, EA or PA.

Hang in there! I'll do the best I can to support you until I get reenforcements. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Your heart's in the right place, so just keep on keepin' on. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> God Bless,

jen

I may have neglected to mention that she's also doing dinner with a female co-worker on Sun, so it's not just looking to go out with other men. The other main people she talks to online are female, but both of them are in their early 20's (as is the guy she's meeting this w/e). At least her female co-worker is in her late 30s, (W is 33) so she'll hopefully have more mature advice.

Please don't see my constant posts as such a drastic need for help Jen. It's more like a drastic need for someone to talk to who understands and you've been just that! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />