I have read Dr. Hartleys info saying that any and all communication with the former lover has to be given up for life. Of course that is what I would love. And since we are 7 months DD it is easier for my husband to agree to. But he thinks it is unreasonable to think it will really happen that way with the OC in the picture. I have read about 3rd parties interceeding in these cases. Does this really work? What are the chances that H and OW will never see or talk to each other again? Can that be done? OC was born 1 month ago. They currently speak on the phone @ once a week, or once every 2 weeks. She lives @ 1,500 miles away. Paternity results are due any day. If its his, how does Dr. Hartley say this should be handled? Who has had experience with this? My H wants the child in his life if hes the dad.

Dear HoH,<P>I called Dr. Bill Harley on his radio program a couple of weeks ago. (Click on the "Radio" link above for more info on the radio program.) I asked the same question.<P>He said that he usually advises no contact between WH and OC because exOW still wants a marriage/relationship with H. He also feared that the OW might raise the child to hate the W, the H or both and cause real trouble in the marriage. He says that he knows that other people might be very uncomfortable with his advice, but his main (and only?) goal is to save marriages.<P>Mr. Job and I do have visitation and we are in a similar situation to yours. We used to all (Mr. Job, Mrs. Job and exOW) live in the same state. Now H and I have moved back to our home state and exOW has moved to be near her parents in her home state. (They adore OC and are a wonderful support system for her. OC is a happy and well-loved baby.) We now live 2,000 miles away. We have flown out to her state 3 times this year for visitation with OC (who is now 16 months old).<P>We aren't sure if we will continue visitation. It is so hard on everyone concerned. We will make a decision w/in next year (before OC reaches 2.5 years old). exOW doesn't know that we are considering dropping visitation. It tears my H to pieces. He feels so guilty and like such a bad father. <P>Yes, there is some contact between exOW and Mr. Job--very limited to just setting up the visitation. I think that the last visit last month took approx. 4 phone calls of about 10 minutes each to set up the times and schedules. I am not especially worried if that is all the contact there is. He doesn't still love her and in fact, seems to dislike her quite a bit now. She spends most of her phone time complaining (LB) at him. I just let her keep yelling and hollering. It reminds him of why he is here with me instead of with her. She doesn't seem to know that she is shooting herself in the foot all the time.<P>MJ <p>[This message has been edited by Mrs. Job (edited September 25, 2001).]

heart of hope,<P>I do not believe there needs to be any contact at all. And if he just has to know what oc is doing then ow can tell you and you can relay. I tolerated them talking for a while and for a while she didnt abuse the "priveledge" (of course I hadnt found MB and had no idea how else it could be done) and then next thing I knew she was calling a AT LEAST once a day and they would argue for hours. You might think it would be a good thing they argued and I guess it just showed her true colors so H felt less and less sorry for her. I knew that for her any attention, even H yelling at her, was better than none to her. It spiraled out of control until we finally cut her off completely. Got a private #. It just is not necesary and seems to cause nothing but heartache.

Hi HoH,<BR>Well, I'm not quite sure if Harley specifically mentions what to do when there is an OC in the picture, but yes, he definitely advocates no contact with OW...<P>The Policy of Joint Agreement talks about not doing anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse and that might apply to your situation, ESPECIALLY if you feel uncomfortable with your husband contacting OW/OC in the future.<P>Might not even be an issue if paternity comes up negative, but in the meantime, you can read this article for insight to the POJA:<P><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>Dr. Harley's Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA)</A>