I am writing to post a different perspective about visitation. I have been reading many posts lately about how visitation is doomed from the start and am getting the impression that newbies may be swayed in that direction.<p>All parties must do what is best for their marriage. I also cannot say that for us visitation is perfect. BUT...our oc is 10 months old and we have had visitation since 1 month old. We see oc every other week for at least two days at a time. During the holidays, we have worked around those schedules and made other special arrangements.<p>I am in totally in love with OC. OC is a blessing to this world and when oc is with us, we feel blessed. It has strengthened our marriage in so many ways that I cannot even begin to express.<p>We have no children of our own so we dont have to worry about how that would work. Our families know and are coming to terms with the situation. It has been an uphill climb, but I could not sit and wait for 18 years for the doorbell to ring with an angry young adult standing there.
Will the next years go smoothly? I doubt it, but I wouldnt change it for the world. <p>I did not find this site before we decided to include the OC and it never occurred to me that no visitation was an option. Had I found this site, I may have chosen differently. But here we are. <p>I just wanted those on the fence to know that visitation is working for us right now. I cannot predict the future, but no one can. I want newbies to make the right decision for themselves with as much information as possible.<p>I believe we all have chosen a path after this devastation. I want us to walk with open eyes, an open mind, and an open heart.<p>Thanks for considering my perspective.

T4S,
Thanks for sharing your perspective. Could you post more about how you came to that conclusion for you and your H and how your OW handles it?<p>I agree with you, all sides should be represented and considered. Is there anyone else out there who have visits and it is going ok? I am interested in reading your stories also.<p>I am sorry that I can't include OC in my life, due to OW. But that's just us. I encourage everyone to do what works best for them, their marriages and their own specific dynamics of their situation. There is no one size fits all that works for this.<p>Thanks for sharing...hope you are well, I was thiniking about you today.<p>Hugs,
Twiisty

One major reason we came to this conclusion was due to my father in law. He had a child from a previous marriage that he had no contact with since the age of 2. He signed over his rights and everything. He is a wonderful father to my h and it seemed so out of character that this child would be out there some where. They had just recently been contacted by the child, now 36, and it was tearing my fil to pieces. I saw the pain that it was causing that he allowed the child to leave his life and the pain the it caused my h regarding his half brother whom he still has not met.<p>The sins of the father...I just didnt want history to repeat itself. I also believe that no matter what this child did not ask for this situation. For reasons, I may never know God created this child. That was the hardest part for me because we are childless and were told we would have difficulty conceiving because of H!!!<p>Anyway, I did not want this child to suffer because his parents are idiots. It is not the child's fault and I wanted the child to feel loved, wanted, and to never be rejected. <p>As for the OW, she is a wimp and still tries to manipulate in some ways, but guess what, she cant win. I am a very strong, independent, and confident woman and I will not allow her to run my life. So, she tries to control things but she backs down with her wimpy self because she needs our involvement.<p>I believe she actually likes it when we have oc. She gets a break and gets some quality time with her eldest son. She also gets to go have a bit of a life. Our visitations have also helped her to earn extra money because she can work overtime without paying a sitter. <p>I hope that answered some of your questions. And I think of you all the time too...even my h asks how you are doing. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Tryin you are right. Visitation has and does occur once in a while and it sometimes works well for some.<p>I have been here a year.<p>We tried visits. All I'm saying is that all of my H's affairee's actions both trying to tell H at every opportunity that she'd wait for him forever and he knew what they had...combined with her total disgust with me made it impossible for me to allow "their" child to be part of our lives.<p>I felt threatened at evey turn.<p>I have an adult child and no longer wish to have a baby at our home. Actually neither does my H. I no longer wish to be tied down for a minute to watch another womans child with my h. I finally can come and go as I please. H and I spend adult weekends doing whatever now. To include the child would never now be an option.<p>Did you really not think that not seeing oc was an option? That was our struggle from day one. I couldn't imagine the pain of cooing to a baby I didn't give my H.<p>Oh well..to each their own. We tried and it was awful.<p>Tryin you are surely a "saint"
love
Debi

Deb,
Yes, it never occurred to me that no contact was an option. I did not believe that God would approve of that for us. I did not remember the story of Sarah and Abraham where his illegitimate child was sent out into the desert and God told them that he would take care of the child that they needed to concentrate on their own child.<p>To me, it was a comfort to know that God would approve of either decision, visitation or no contact. I was so relieved to know that did have a choice. I then realized that I made one...and that God had led me to it. <p>We do not deal much with OW. The only contact is drop off and pick up and 2 phone calls a month to confirm times. Otherwise, that is it. She even moved out of our area and quit her job which was with my H. I think, but dont know for sure, that she came to terms with the fact that H and I are staying together and I believe it was embarrassing for her. So she moved far enough away that no one really knows the situation. She also brings the child to us every other weekend so we dont even have to drive 45 minutes at all. We have offered but she insists. She knows that either H and I would pick up OC or just me so she probably prefers to do it herself.<p>She did pull a few things in the beginning if you can recall. Letters, emails, moving and leaving us with the unknown for a few days, but otherwise, and in my opinion, considering...all is quite amicable.<p>I respect your decision, Deb. I just want newbies who are still unsure to know that both ways can work. I also want them to realize that both ways dont make the situation go away. The exOW still tries some really wild things in desperation. From what I have heard of your exOW, she really threw tantrums. I am sorry that it had to be that way for you and I am glad that you are comfortable with your decision as I am with mine.<p>Thanks for your response.

tryin said:
To me, it was a comfort to know that God would approve of either decision, visitation or no contact. I was so relieved to know that did have a choice. I then realized that I made one...and that God had led me to it. <p>This is such a beautiful statement! Thank you for sharing it. I hope your OC situation will always be smooth!

I feel the same way about the marriage itself as well as visitation, that God prefers us to work things out, but in some cases it just cannot and He knows why. His is the opinion that really counts! <p>Merry Christmas

Thank you Jenny. I cannot move forward with my life if I do not have peace with God.<p>I will say that there were many difficult moments these past nine months of visitation. When I thought I couldnt take anymore, I would pray that God would soften exOW's heart. I am here to testify that literally within moments of those prayers, the phone would ring with either exOW or h saying things had been worked out.<p>He is truly awesome and will get me through anything! [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, I spoke too soon about us not having to pick up OC [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ExOW wants h to pick oc up Christmas day. H brought up that I will go with him...he amazes me sometimes. He also told exOW that we would keep oc Christmas overnight. She asked if he had to work, he said yes, but I would be home. She said she would just come pick oc up then. H told her no that he wanted to see oc when he gets home. Yay!!! He is really getting assertive. I am so proud of him.

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 10:17 PM: Message edited by: whatif? ]</small>

Trying,
Thanks for posting. We are in our 5th weekend of visitation with the oc and things seem to be going well.
I have a question for you? Do you, or did you ever have the feeling that in such a delicate situation that when things were going well, then the old shoe was about to drop?
I just don't know what to expect for the future. I worry about what she'll call me, should I push for mom? I don't like the idea of being referred to as a step-mom, should it matter? The OC's grandparents have become heavily involved in her life because her mom is a flight attendant. Now that my H and I will be her parents every other weekend, I feel like that will automatically rub against someone's grain. She's the first grandchild for her mom's folks. I can just see the future, my H and her grandfather disagreeing on a certain point...who has the final word?<p>Also, how do we handle introducing her to the fam? My H suggested (I hope he was only kidding) introducing her as his step-daughter. I didn't make a comment at that time, but if he's seriously considering that, I'd really be pretty disgusted with him. I didn't stand by him through thick and thin for him to get to know his 'step daughter'.
I have so many questions. Having read your post it seems like our situations could run parallel. <p>I relied heavily on my faith as well to come to the conclusion that I made. I think my husband just decided to include her in our lives out of a sense of obligation. <p>Thanks for whatever guidance you can provide.

Oh I forgot,<p>We are in the process of adopting a baby boy and he's accompanied us on visits since day one. He's an adorable little baby and immediatley melts whatever ice is in the room BUT....I don't want her family, whether it be mom or dad's side, to feel like they'll have access to our lives or we'll be one big old happy family. Yes, that's the OC's baby brother (ten months apart btw) but whatever involvement she has in his life will be exclusively through us and separate from them.
I kind of get the sense that her family is reaching out and trying to get to know us but that's totally uncomfortable and goes beyond the boundaries that should have been respected in the first place. Right now it's unavoidable because until we can pick her up and drop her off without their involvment we have to deal with someone. I'll just be glad when we can pick her up at day care on Friday afternoon and return her Monday morning without so much as a peep from her mom's family.
I know they're trying to make the best of a horrible situation, but where should they get off?
It's too soon right now, but I just have the wary feeling that sooner or later we're gonna have to ask them to back off. Sounds cruel, but it was their daughter that involved them heavily in raising OC, not us. We prefer to do things the old-fashioned way, a mom and dad with peripheral involvment from grands.
Thoughts on how to proceed w/ caution????

Matthew,
Yes, I often wait for the peverbial shoe to drop. When things are "too quiet" so to speak, I expect to hear some commotion.<p>As for our situation, I dont even know what the exOW's parents know about us. We see oc every other week, but she brings oc to us or we pick oc up at her house. We have never even met her family except her 10 year old son from another relationship.<p>As for our family, all our siblings and parents know. H parents are very accepting as it is their first grandchild, but they are also very considerate of my feelings. My family is not thrilled at all, but they do not have to deal with it directly. Our closest relatives are 1200 miles away. <p>I struggled with what other child should call me for a while. I wanted it to be something special to signify our relationship and I am also uncomfortable with "stepmom". I now have no problem with oc calling me by my first name as we are hopefully going to be friends as well. So oc can just call me what my friends call me.<p>Be careful how you handle the grandparents. You want to set a precedent real soon so you dont change a routine. How exactly do you believe they are overstepping their bounds? I need some examples if you are willing to share.<p>We have had visitation for nine months now and we are pretty much in a routine. We should have everything legally in writing within the next six months. We are going through lawyers, agreeing on our own, and then having a judge sign off. We will only have to pay court costs and it is a lot less messy.

Trying,
I don't know....it just seems as though this will be yet another set of 'other people' we have to deal with from now on. Perhaps when we go for the permanent visitation hearing we can set some more comfortable boundaries with drop off and pick up routines. You know....we pick her up from day care on Friday and return her on Monday morning.
We know we'll have to acknowledge their existence in her life...we don't want her to feel like she has to choose whom she'll love based on her whereabouts, but as adults we want them to understand that this is not a situation in which neither of us should seek permission or approval to be a part of her lives. We are certainly paying the price to the tune of 800.00 p/month. Her grandfather and step grandmother were gracious in opening their home on the last visit, but it's still very awkward.
As far as how she'll address me....I'm still not sure. I'm not comfortable with mom...not so much because I'd be overstepping the boundary that exists between she and her mother, but because it would kind of 'cheapen' the title for my child. That's a special relationship that my son and I deserve to share.
Would Mrs. so and so be too formal???? (just kidding)

As far as titles go, I know in my situation (as a divorced person) my children call their step-mother "Miss" and then her first name...I know this could apply in an OC case too...My girls call their bio dad, "daddy B" (his first name) but ours is a different situation on top of an OC situation...*sigh*
Anyways...here in Louisiana, it's common for Step-mothers to have "Miss" and their first names attached in our area.
Just a thought...I read that you wrote "Mrs." and thought I would add...<p>I admire all of you who chose contact and are working at it. I know I myself cannot do it, but if the Lord required it of me, I would try. But it wouldn't work for me. I have too many other things at stake and four other children to think about too.<p>Keep sharing your situations with me, I am learning from them.
God bless y'all
Twiisty