Even with the most "normal" couples, each spouse must contribute an extreme amount of work, an equal amount of work, for the relationship to thrive. My question is this: What if one spouse is depressed?

I am the depressed party and when I am feeling myself, my undepressed self, I can contribute all the things I need to in order to help make the marriage work. However, that isn't a huge degree of the time, so my husband ends up feeling hurt by me and rightly so; when I feel depressed, most of the time I don't really feel like we should be together for a million reasons (one being that why should he waste his time being unhappy with me? I should just deal by myself, it's unfair, you've heard it all). There are many issues that I believe can be resolved via Dr. Harley's methods, if my husband is a willing participant. It seems so hard to get him to open up to me, especially about his needs, which becomes an enormous problem. Depression puts a kink in the process, though. I think my husband discredits many of my emotional needs as symptoms of depression, instead of just things that I would need no matter what. The lack of these things has now begun contributing to my depression. My husband and I have discussed things he can do that meet my needs and he'll do them a couple times and give up. I guess he gets frustrated with my being depressed despite his efforts so he feels there's no use. But it's not to resolve the issue of my depression, it's to help our marriage, and I don't think he sees that. So not only am I depressed clinically, but I'm also depressed because of my marital situation. This seems like something I could deal with as an emotionally healthy person (I know, in fact, that when I feel well, I can do what it takes to fix the marriage), but the fact that I'm depressed and the behaviors that it causes tip the scales. My husband could say, "You say you want me to be more affectionate, but then you won't receive my advances," which is true because when I feel bad, I can't accept physical intimacy. There are many facets of depression that make this whole mess feel like my fault and like I can't change the marriage without asking a really unbalanced amount of effort and patience from my husband. He has needs, too; I can't always meet them, though. Depression makes one seem self-centered, and an ill person can never see past himself and his self-loathing, etc. (at the worst points at least). I feel like I do what I can.

Is there perhaps somewhere my husband could go for a greater understanding of depression and behaviors of affected people? Or is there an Alanon of sorts for the loved ones of depressed patients? I think if he could understand the feelings I have (the totally irrational ones) and things I go through mentally when I feel bad, it might help put some perspective on things. It seems to help add validity to hear these things from others instead of just me. It would help him to have someone else to talk to who's been in his shoes; maybe he could get some advice and ideas.

Please share your insights!

My spouse has been diagnosed with bipolar disorder and she has been absolutly unable to participate in the marriage for some time. Even on medication she was still depressed, and the most frustrating part was she would not "hurt" the doctor's feelings by saying her meds were not working.
Well now she's pregnant (ONS) because the depression (doctor says)accentuated her need for an escape from reality. No more medication and for sure no more recovery of this marriage. I am not the one dealing with the bipolar but I am very aware of what she is dealing with and she is just able to keep her head above water so to speak.

The good news is that once medicated properly you SHOULD be able to meet most of your spouses needs as long as you put forth an effort and do not let the depression (or bipolar) get out of hand. My wife's doctor would like her to have a daily log to monitor moods and feelings (wife doesn't do it) so he can make the correct decisions on how she is doing.

My question is when you are suffering from depression (or bipolar) and just DO NOT do what the doctor says or TELL the doctor the truth about how you feel (BRUTAL HONESTY) How is the doc supposed to treat you properly?? How is your spouse supposed to heal and recover with you in the marriage?

Maybe the answer is you can't.

MC brought this up with me yesterday, she may not be psychologically (sp?) able to have a relationship.
From you post I can tell this is not you, you seem to have a real desire to improve things. But I have similar issues looking at it from the other side and I could not be more scared or frustrated.

Sorry if I ranted.

I am more like your wife than you think. It's just that the moments when I am not depressed, I am a fairly intelligent, logical person. And yeah, even if you do take your meds, it's really super hard to find what works. I've yet to find something that continuously works. It's so discouraging, because you are actually making the effort to help yourself and your spouse but to no avail, so why even try, right?

I feel that way about relationships, not being psychologically able to be in one. But I didn't realize I had that inability until after I married. I am just so optimistic that I kept thinking things could change, and really I was doing pretty well emotionally around the time of my wedding compared to now. I continue to have hope for myself and my future, in the sense that I believe that one day I'll find the cure. The waiting, though, is killing my marriage and seems interminable. It is very tempting when I am at my worst to just give up.

I'm sorry you've had to deal with the effects of depression. I feel for you. I hate it. If you happen to come across any great solutions, please let me know. I hope you and your wife will be able to stay together and work things out. I hope she is able to get better.

BTW, does she work outside the home? Just wondering. (Out of my own curiousity.)

Yes she does work at a restaurant but that has been deteriorating since being off meds.

I wanted to respond to what I said eariler about her not psychologically being able to be in a relationship. I don't think you are in the same situation as you seem to have a desire and will to TRY and make it work. Believe me if you are trying you husband should notice. It may or may not be enough to fulfill his EN's but he should have hope that it can get better and you are working on getting there.
My wife on the other hand says she will try and work on things but then just does not. This is where she may be unable to stay in our relationship. I am the only giver and have been for it seems like the beginning. When I ask her to see a doctor or therapist it lasts a few visits before she gives up. I know she is not activly participating in what they suggest to her so there is really no progress or healing being done.
Your situation is unique and personal, I don't want to sound like I am trying to compare or anything. But you do sound like you have desire and are giving effort and you are a better person for it.
I do not know as much about depression as bipolar but I think you should be able to minimize your down time and if you still have frequent or prolonged depression be VERY HONEST with your doctor an let him know. The meds he has you on may not be the best ones or you may not have the right dosage. The psychiatrist you are seeing is only as good and the honest info you give him. If it is not working enough tell him and if he does not find another way dump him and find someone else. (just like dating)

I am sorry for the rant again as you can tell I am very frustrated with my own situation. Thanks for the response.