My H left my D and I 6 wks ago. He needed space, lost himself, etc. He completely withdrew from immediately family and friends. It took me almost 2 wks to finally back of (stop calling, begging him to come home,etc.) Well recently he has been talking a little, giving me hugs, and tell me I look nice. Well last Sunday we wrapped Santa gifts together and spent the afternoon with our daughter. When he left to go back to his apartment I started to tear up. He hugged me and kept telling me not to give up on him. He has been so strong about not wanting to give me "false hope". He has said he does not want to say he going to do something, like come home, and not do it later and hurt me more. So does it look positive if he tells me not to give up on him?

Hi lonely.
This part of your name I buy, but not the helpless part!!!

For me, here is your clue:
It took me almost 2 wks to finally back of (stop calling, begging him to come home,etc.) Well recently he has been talking a little, giving me hugs, and tell me I look nice.

I think the backing off is what is making him feel safe in coming back to you. This is what I've learned through some reading I've done, and I've posted this under "Work? Or walk away?"

As my husband has just up and left for Christmas, this is what I have planned to do. I am going to do everything I can with our home while he is out of town (his #1 complaint - thinks this can never change) and be supportive of him when he comes home. Whatever that means. If he needs to vent to me about how he doesn't "buy" the housecleaning, I will tell him I understand that. That I don't want it to be a reaction, but a permanent change, that he must have been feeling so dismissed over the last couple of years when I never really seemed to hear his requests.

He is obviously going through so much right now that I don't intend to add to his burden by making him responsible for my happiness as well. Sure, I had the broken down raw phone call with him last week. That I want to be his wife, that I want to change.... etc.

But from here, for right now, I need to attend to his feelings, support his decisions, and not make him feel "wrong."

You also deserve to have your feelings heard - you feel abandoned. But right now, to allow him to feel safe with you, don't give him that burden. Think about the major fears you have if he were to leave you for good - that you would feel unlovable? Unattractive? No good? Whatever those feelings would be, ask yourself how you can address them yourself - how can you make yourself feel loveable, attractive and good without making those feelings someone else's responsibility?

Jen.

jnmw,
I have read your post.

Since my H left I was and sometimes am a emotional mess. I decided to get IC. It has helped me see some issue I have with my H and myself. I too am trying to understand myself and make some changes for me and hopefully my H.

If you do not mind I will give you a few suggestions about housework. And yes no matter what it is work. I try to do one thing a day. Like clean bathrooms on Monday, vaccum on Tuesday, Dust on Wednesday, mop on Thursday and do wash in between. I try my best to leave the weekend open for me.

I know you are hurting right now. Keep posting and hang in there. Do you have family and friend you can see at X-mas? Try to stay busy.

I have my entire family here and will be with them for Christmas. I am telling my 86 year old grandmother that he went out of town to see his mom for the holiday. My parents know the real deal.
I am willing (and AM) making substantial positive changes to the state of our home. I did ask myself, "Do I even WANT to be with someone who will forsake the marriage vows they made before God for a catbox?"
But I also don't intend to judge his feelings right now. They are what they are. All I can do right now is anything different than what I have been doing over the past two years.
Thanks for the advice - I know breaking down work into manageable tasks goes a long way toward completion!

Jen.

Hi there,

You know, it does sound like he is responding to your space!!! Good job!!! I would say keep up the good work. If he doesn't want to talk about things, don't. If he feels like he doesn't know which way he wants to turn, respond the way he is! If he is being complimentary and affectionate, be the same way back. If you are trying to meet his emotional needs now... then how can he possibly not want to be with you again??? I think you are both on the right track to something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And, about the above catbox... you know, it does seem stupid that he would have an issue with the catbox but as wives, we should respect that. I really think that everyone out there has some "thing" that really makes it or breaks it for him. Maybe for him, it isn't specifically the catbox, it is possible that he believes a wife should show she cares by cleaning and keeping a nice home that he is proud of... somewhere peaceful, a retreat where he can be after work, and love his wife!!! I guess it all depends on the perspective that we take on things...