Let me start with a little background, married 28yrs. 3d's 2 grown, found out about oc 2yrs. ago, oc is now 14. We have had this child to our home twice, both times he got along great with everyone but me, he does'nt like me, and blames me for not having a father all these years, the problem now is he don't get along with his stepfather, was taken from home and placed in foster care, they called my husband to see if he would take him, because this is whay child wants, well now the war is on I can't do it, I can't and won't raise this oc, no way, my husband keeps telling me he owes itto the child, I say no his mother does, any advice from anyone please. next step is having husband move out and get own placve if he wants child

bobbi,

When I read your post I thought "this is exactly what our XOW is teaching her child, that this is all MY fault".

Do you think it is possible for a counselor, a neutral party, to make any changes in the child's perspective? You know, to help child back up and see it differently, that Wife may not be the villan? These kids need "re-programming"!! In a case like yours, the kid should have an incentive to try counseling so that he could learn to respect you and maybe have more contact.

I do understand that you don't want a teenage boy living with you who shows you no respect. I see it as your husband's job to defend you and expect you be respected by his OC or his parents or whoever. Did your H do anything about OC's behavior to you on previous occassions? You and H must be a team for it to work.

You're in a hard situation.
Prayers for your marriage,
J

<small>[ September 26, 2002, 09:11 PM: Message edited by: Jenny ]</small>

Sad situation for such a young man, Being a teen is so difficult any way, but to have all this piled on top of him. Sounds to me like his father and mother failed him, very sad. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

It isn't your responsibility you are right, but It is your husbands and frankly he should take steps to make sure he is taken care of, maybe some counseling would help you all to form a better bond, it isnt the childs fault, it is the mothers and yes, your husbands fault. But you and that child are innocent and I understand what a difficult choice it is for you to make, but he is so young and needs help...
For a child that age sometimes it takes respect and learning to communicate for all parties, family counseling might help. The only answer I have is pray for God to help you through this.
Good luck.

the child has been in counseling for a few years now, he is really a troubled kid, he caught some field on fire, been kicked out of 2 schools, and I do feel bad for him, but why should I bring all his problems into my life, I don't feel like I should have to, my husband did speak to him about his attitude towards me but it did no good, then my h feels guilty getting on to him very much because of not really knowing him

bobbi,
I would not want this child in my home either. He does not like you and will only cause problems.

Has your H ever saw OC before you found out? Why after all these years on no contact there is contact? Did OC now about your H before 2 years ago?

Also, did his mom and step Dad give up on him? Why is he in foster care does him mom does not want him?

What is the reason that his mom but him in foster care? Is he violent?

Also, has his step dad been rasing him since he was little?

Dawn

<small>[ September 28, 2002, 01:22 PM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

bobbi,

Dawn asked good questions.

Those are really SERIOUS ISSUES. Does this boy have a conscience? (I don't mean that to be silly, either; I had a friend in high school who I later understood to be a clinical psychopath--they know right from wrong but have no remorse or guilt. Conscience starts forming very early and is difficult to get past the age of 6). Starting fires, hurting animals or smaller children, these would be VERY disturbing signs (and OC may know enough to hide the worst of what he's up to). Those kids need really INTENSIVE therapy, full-time behavioral intervention (religion can help too) to get turned around, and OC might be one of those. I mean, your H just saying "now Johnny, that's not nice" isn't going to make any impact with a kid in this much trouble, you know what I mean? This is tough love.

If your H is seriously considering a marital separation in order to get custody and try to help this boy, he'd better do a bunch of studying and get professional advice from several corners FIRST. He may not understand the depths of what he's getting into. To me, there's no point in trying unless he's willing to try "all the way", do whatever it takes to try to change this boy, and there's still no guarentees. Not something to throw away a marriage over lightly...

Just some thoughts.
Prayers again,
J

b001,,,,,, did your h know of oc prior to 2 yrs ago? if so was he involved with oc in any way cs/visits?
if this child is to come into your home he must treat you with respect and follow what ever rules all your children have grown up with.
this oc blaming you for not having a father is crazy. your h needs to explain to him that it was not your choice to make as you seem to have been unaware of his existance. the answer to the 1st two questions will tell you how to proceed with that discussion.
how is he troubled? is he violent or is he just mouthy and disrespectful? or has he been raised without any boundries and he feels he can do as he pleases? if you can rule ou violent then you may have a great opportunity to turn a troubled kid into a soldier. (no i am not suggesting a military carrier). from your statement about hiom not respecting you it sounds like that may be the cause. maybe no one ever taught him to respect anybody. most likely he doesn't even respect his mother. he may even be using that as a tool to get his own way. telling both mom and dad that it is their fault he has no dad. using the "your not my dad with the stepfather to play that angle. no matter what he is doing someone needs to explain to him that although the adults may have screwed up that now is the time to make the choice of whether to go on living his life like his past or to choose a better road and start the family life he says he has missed and wants. if he chooses not to improve then i would bet he is just using everyone around him as scape goats so he can play and figure he doesn't have to pay. if this is the case then it may be time for some tough love. when my oldest d (now 21) was 14/15 she was very rebellous. she told her youth group leader at church that i was punching her in the face. of course this lead to the church contacting th child protective sevices. They didn't think to look for any bruises or cuts on her i quess. any how cps investigated causing tremendous pain throughout the family and came up with the result of an unfounded report. she continued being a rebel until she was age 17. at which time she ran away again for like the 6th or 7th time. finally my w and i didn't go after her. we had to live with the hurt and just let her go. 1 long month went by before she realized the turn in the road she was following was wrong and wanted to come home. we didn't take her back in for another 2 weeks letting her get a real good taste of her choices. these were at tha time the most difficult 2 weeks of my life. the urge to run and scoop her up and save her were in my heart 24/7. any how we finally brought her back home and watched her turn her life around. we are very close and she is doing great.
any how i hope this helps a little.

I knew about the A when it happened, but the ow left town shortly after, we always heard rumors that the child was my h's, but nothing came of it, til 2 yrs. ago, I wanted to know the truth, I filed a paper with the court on my h's behalf, found the ow, served her papers, in court we were denied a dna test, they said it was to late,said h has legal obligation, ow would not agree with us to have a dna test, child does look like my h but who really knows.

bobbi,
I am confused. Who has legal custody? OW's H? Was OW married to her H at the time? Did OC thought OW's H was his father? How long has this step-Dad been in OC's live?

It sounds like OC has a Dad and your H is not that person.

Why did they put this child in foster care?

Dawn

<small>[ October 10, 2002, 09:16 AM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

<small>[ October 14, 2002, 06:24 AM: Message edited by: tgirl ]</small>