Hello All, I am new to this forum. I have been married next month for 3 years. In that time I have been struggling with demons within harboring lust and infidelity. I have for once in my life stood up and said no more, asking God for deliverance...

I have another child on the way by another woman. This occured while me and my wife were seperated. I hid this from my wife for a few weeks. When me and the other woman finally went to the doctor she was 14 weeks instead of the 6 we thought. I know in my heart that I love my wife and want to be with her. I am will to change and give her everything that she desires.

Me and my wife have two children together, and she is giving me and opportunity to really shape up my life, and get serious about her and or marriage. Or I have hit the highway...

I will be there for this child, because I am a man. My wife does not want me in the delivery room, and I will accept that. And she doesn't want me to go on any doctors visits. After all I have put my wife through, she in my opinion is asking for nothing.

Just yearning for words of advice and wisdom...

AmLo,

I want to welcome you to Marriage Builders. It takes a lot of courage to come to this site and admit the things you have. Considering the circumstances I would have to agree that your wife is asking for nothing. The best thing you can do to rebuild your marriage is read, read, read, the more knowledge you have about this the better. Try to understand your W's pain. Are you seeing a MC or IC? If not I would suggest that too. You didn't mention if you and your wife have children together, just curious. Everyone here at MB's will offer great support through this terrible time. If your wife is willing send her here too, she will need support to make it through this. Good Luck.

DU

I echo the words shared by DU. I read your story & thought - hmmm, change a few years around & this sounds like something my H could write. I would also say that you should probably both be seeing a counselor. Dealing with infidelity is hard but this situation makes it even harder for the both of you. The OW in my situation is also pregnant & like your W, I have asked my H not to be there for her at any visits, delivery room, etc. I hope that like you, my H will eventually start down the path of actually rebuilding our M.

Please, read the site & post here often. The people on this forum have a lot of wisdom & support to offer.

Vee

Hi Vee, I really thank you for your keen advise. Me and my W have had counseling before, but the difference is I was not honest with her or the counselor because of the affair I was having at the time. I have nothing to hide now, and am willing to do anything to save what God has constructed for us. Thank you for your kind words, and I will send prayers for you and your H.[QUOTE]

Hi Du, I appreciate your post and your welcome. We have our two children, and possibly one on the way together. I have another child on the way by the OW. Me and my wife are going to counseling starting next week with each other. I attend bible study, as I am in the process of fostering a better relationship with God. I am doing this to better me as a man, a husband, and a father.

Today is actually the first day back at home after 5 months. The difference is I have come back a stronger, much more humble man. I have conviction now, and with God's grace never forsake my W or our family ever again.

My wife has a friend a couple of hours away that just told her the other day that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. He is actually supposed to come here tomorrow. I upset her the other day, left and went back to my apartment for the night. He called and told her this, and she said that if I don't get it together then she may consider it.

What shall I do?

Amlo, I have a H who did the same as you, only we were not separated. His A lasted years, unbeknownst to me, and he told me about A and OC when the child was a year old.

He too wants to be some sort of father to child, but I cannot handle this. I frankly think his need to father this child is incredibly self serving and selfish. He abandoned our children to have the A and father another child. Not o.k with me.

Because of this, we are seriously contemplating divorce, and who will be the better for it? No one,b ut the thought of being involved in a child's life that represents the worst my H could have done to me is beyond comprehension and tolerance. Me, on the other hand, have had to accept myH's years of infidelity, huge CS payments for the OC, OW being in my home, sleeping in my bed, H's sexual addiction and lying to me over and over.

All I asked was no contact with child and he won't give me that.
So we are over-- and you know what-- I don't think he is happier for it.

JUst keep this in mind-you owe your wife everything if she stays with you. YOu owe her, not the other way around.

AmLo -
Your W's friend is trouble. I don't want to sound mean, but I can tell you that right now if I allowed a 'friend' to be in the picture, I'd be on my way to having another A. I know you want your M very, very much, so I'd start reading up on Dr. Harley's Plan A. In Plan A, you basically do no lovebusting and try to meet all of your W's ENs. Think back to when you were both in counseling, what did she say that she felt like you weren't doing? Was it being affectionate, being a good father, conversation? Whatever it was - do it & do it quickly. At least your W admitted she was considering it.

When I had my A years ago, I realized that I was waiting for my H to do something that would make me stop. In so many words, I basically told him that I felt like to get his attention I'd have to sleep with someone! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> And he knew then something was wrong - but by then I had already started the A. This is a time that is really, really going to be hard on both of you. Call her - makeup for the argument & do everything you can to make her feel loved. Also - don't use your apartment as a getaway anymore. If you are coming back home, then do it! Sleep on the couch if you have to if you argue about something, but don't go back to the apt. If it were me, I'd feel better if my H just stayed put & was mad, than if he left. It just makes you feel a bit more secure that you really do still want your M.

And thank you for the prayers.

Vee

Thanks for such the kind words Vee. Last night we opened up and gave each other all of our passwords to everything. Email addresses, voice mail, palm pilots the whole shot. We made up, by talking, and cuddling no S. It makes me feel good to get to know her on another level than just S. We are having fun, and falling in love all over again.

I was wondering if you have a list of all those acronyms, I am lost at times.

Amlo

Hi UW, It is not the childs fault that I that it was conceived while me and my W were seperated. It was an act by me. Babies are gifts from God, and are precious. So therefore I cannot see myself not being in my childs life because of my infidelity. My W understands this and supports me 100%. The likelihood of us getting C is very high as well. We may turn our computer room into a nursery if need be. She just does not want me to have anything to do with the OW, but giving me the ability to be a father to this child, and I respect that.

I also did not wait until this child was born, and that is a big difference in our situations. I am very empathetic to you all, and wish you the best of luck.

Amlo

Amlo -
Here's a link to the acronyms for the site.
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic;f=29;t=000557

And a question for you because maybe you can give me some insight on what my H is going through. Did you come clean to your W or did she 'find out'? And did you waffle for a few weeks until you decided to work on your M? I'm about to pull my hair out over here dealing with this. I guess it's because never before did my H not actually try to not make an effort. Now I just feel like he's not really wanting to make an effort. I'm not sure if it's the guilt or what. *sigh*

I told her, and she hung up on me. She called me back and asked me to come and pick up the kids. When I went to pick up the kids I took them and really said nothing to her. I had actually contemplated being with the other woman, because I new that there was no way that my wife wanted to work this out.

We were in the process of woking it out, and were still having S. So when she found out it was like a ton of bricks. The next day she came to my place to pick up the kids, and OW was there, this was another slap in the face. i took the kids out to the car, she got upset, and tried to attack me.

I wish that it did not go down like that, but we are committed to doing whatever it takes to keep our marriage together.

For example, I am going to give up my sales job, which requires traveling, over night stays, and long hours, which makes me a lot of potential money, to a job that would give me more time to be with her and the kids, that is going to give me a 50% cut in pay...

I don't care, she has been the type of wife that God has intended for man to have, and I won't let her get away from me ever again, God willing.

Amlo

Hello all, I am the W. I would like to thank you all for your advice and suggestions. I introduced my husband to this site never thinking he would join!
I would like to say that I am still leary of my H actions. I dont want to be, but he has lied so much over the years, I dont know sincerity when I see it from him. I love him and want this to work, but there is so much pressure from my family and friends to end this while I have the chance. I would gladly like to hear any thoughts on outside influences and if anyone else met someone while separated. My H wants me to drop my "friend". I know I need to do this, but I do not know how. Help!

Vee- Let me tell you the rest of the story. My H spent the night at the house one night, and the next morning the OW found out. She called me and forced my H to tell me she was pregnant. I was very shocked. During this conversation she told me everything was over. When I went over to his apt. to give back the flowers he had given me, she was there, with my kids. I was enraged and the next day when she was still there, I came after him, but I did not touch anyone. But I am still going to court for it. The OW still wants to be with him, she fakes suicide attempts and other wild things. That is why I do not want him to go to the doctor with her or be in the delivery room. He says he wont but I believe in his heart he really wants to. This really makes me question if he is over her.

Lo -
Just write your 'friend' a letter and tell him you are working on your marriage and that he not contact you. That's it - he doesn't get any explanation or anything else. If he calls, don't answer the phone. He e-mails, block the address, etc.

As for your H, it takes a lot of courage to come to this site. I know it's hard to trust him, but trust that maybe he does want your marriage. At the time, I was the WS before I learned of my H's affair, I came here to try & put my marriage back together. Let your H earn your trust back. I tried to do that with my H. Of course now he trusts me, but I don't think he ever forgave me.

Vee

AmLo
Why do you think that you can get custody of OC? It takes a lot to get custody.

Dawn

Hi Vee,

I don't want you to think I was hiding anything, didn't want to make her out to be a bad person. I love her dearly, as you very well know. She is an excellent wife, mother, and friend.

Fortunately she has given me this chance, and one that I will not mess up...

I love you LoAm...

The OW has mental health problems, that may cause her to go to a psychiatric ward of some sort. When she fakes the suicide, I was going to call the ambulance and she was scared because she knew that she would not be able to care for this kid. And since then she has threatened to take her life because she could not take me not wanting to be with her.

She feels that since we won't be together, that I will be the better parent of us. And I agree. She is young minded, and she needs some deep rooted emotional couseling on issues from her childhood.

Thanks for your concern though.

Amlo

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by AmLo:
<strong>The OW has mental health problems, that may cause her to go to a psychiatric ward of some sort. When she fakes the suicide, I was going to call the ambulance and she was scared because she knew that she would not be able to care for this kid. And since then she has threatened to take her life because she could not take me not wanting to be with her.
She is young minded, and she needs some deep rooted emotional couseling on issues from her childhood.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amlo

I know this is going to sound hard hearted, but due to your above description, the kindest and most loving thing in the world you could do for this child is to give it up for adoption to a STABLE, LOVING, TWO-PARENT FAMILY.

It just seems so incredibly ridiculous to me that all these mentally deficient people are spawning children then sentencing them to a life of mental illnesses, neglect, abuse, single parent households, financial issues, etc. Then add the stigma of being a [censored] child of an adulterous affair. I think it is unspeakable how casual everyone seems to be about bringing children into this world and are ill-equipped to provide for them adequately or instill important character building self esteem, integrity, the sense of right from wrong, dignity etc.

Your first, foremost and ONLY obligation is to your wife. You are fortunate that your wife is so willing to allow a relationship with the OC because in most cases, contact is a dismal failure. I am guessing that your wife is willing to accept the OC because it was conceived while you were seperated? I admit, accepting the OC would be easier to take under those conditions because it would mean that your wife was not actually "betrayed", rejected or abandoned for the OW. She did indicate, however, that she is concerned that you may harbor "secret" feelings for the OW. Is this true? Are you completely over this OW? If this woman is not a threat to your wife or to her marriage and family, contact may be successful.

I know you want to do what you beleive is right. This child is innocent and did not ask to be born. However, all attorneys will tell you to do nothing until the DNA results come back otherwise your financial assitance could be consstrued by the courts as an admission of guilt or paternity, which may hold you liable even if this child turns out not to be yours. It has happened several times here where the OC turned out to have paternity other than the suspected Wayward Spouse.

DO NOTHING for the OW during her pregnancy. Do not speak to her except through an attorney or a third party. Spend the next few months concentrating on healing your wife and your marriage. Being there for the delivery has nothing to do with the OC because the OC will not remember it. If you go there, you would be supporting the OW and will threaten your wife. Your wife doesn't need you "bonding" with the OW during such an intimate moment.

There should be no more conversations with OW about things that should be reserved just for married couples. She is not a "couple" with you.

Your wife is the other half of the couple in your marriage and part of you.

I am so impressed that you came here on your own for help, insight and advice. This really gives you and your wife and excellent prognosis for recovery, Amlo.

Learn (BOTH OF YOU!) the Rules of Honesty and Protection and the all important Policy of Joint Agreement here on this site. Once you have the pronciples down and have made them a way of life, you together will be better able to make decisions that will effect you the rest of your life. If it means the OW is going to keep the OC regardless of what is best for this child, and your wife is willing to incorporate this child into your lives and accept the two of you being involved in this child's life, then the kid might have a chance at some glimpse of noermal family life with a stabel two parent loving family.

I will keep you and Lo Am in my prayers. Good luck in your journey. Your determination and passion will see you through the next couple years of adjustment. Never loose sight of the one person you have made your vows and promsies to...and remember, she comes first to you, and you come first to her.

Catnip =^^=

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by LoAm:
<strong>
I would like to say that I am still leary of my H actions. I dont want to be, but he has lied so much over the years, I dont know sincerity when I see it from him. I love him and want this to work, but there is so much pressure from my family and friends to end this while I have the chance. I would gladly like to hear any thoughts on outside influences and if anyone else met someone while separated. My H wants me to drop my "friend". I know I need to do this, but I do not know how. Help!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lo Am

Your husband sounds incredibly determined and committed to restoring the marriage.

I don't know if your husband has been a serial cheater that has suddenly found his center and is sincerely repenting or if he is just scared of loosing you and your two kids, but whatever the catalyst, he seems to have figured out what it is he truly, truly wants.

I don't know if you've been betrayed a lot by him...(you said he lied to you a lot)...or if he is just a skunk or if he and you both have been playing games with each other. If you have someone waiting for you in the wings and the OW is hoping you'll dump him like a hot potato and she can win him by default, then the two of you are in a soap opera and you two need to shake all contact with all OP's everywhere. It's time to recommit and grow up, I guess.

Your family and friends who are advising you to cut your losses and divorce are saying this probably because they have seen you in a lot of pain and are just wanting you to find some peace and happiness. They probably see him as the source of your pain and now this news flash sends them reeling. My friends and family did the same thing and most of the people here have experienced the same thing. They get over it once they believe and see that there has been a lasting change.

When someone says something negative, just tell them that you and your husband are trying to work things out and then ask them for their support. Put it on them. They may feel ashamed of themselves for trivializing your marriage and making it sound as if it is disposable instead of a life long commitment. Let them know how important it is to you to keep your family together and that your husband has been reborn in a way and he is finally the man you always beleived he was.

I don't know, Lo Am...you are certainly ahead of the game if I am reading this right. Anyone that committed to restoration is certainly worth taking the chance. You will know soon enough if he is sincere. You have to do your part, too, and immediately cut off ALL CONTACT with potential OM or you will end up with an A of your own to deal with and everything will turn to [censored]. Things are difficult enough as it is right now. Don't sabotage what could be the most meaningful thing that has ever happened between the two of you...a new commitment taken to a much higher plane of compassion and understanding as never before.

I'll be storming the heavens for the two of you and for your kids and for this new OC. I am really in awe of your ability to take on OC involvement. Don't be a stranger.

God bless

Catnip =^^=

<small>[ October 23, 2002, 09:58 PM: Message edited by: catnip ]</small>

Catnip, I would like to thank you for your insight. You have given me a new perspective opn things. I really appreciate you thoughts. I am going to search for your thoughts, so I can get familiar with your situation.. Thanks a million..

AmLo