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#81831 10/17/98 07:40 PM
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My husbands affair began 4 months ago?? I found out about it two months ago. I knew something was wrong by his attitude and distance. My daughter is 14 years old and was also getting the backlash of his distance and attitude. He has now decided to move out because he is confused and needs space. The affair is not over as much as he would like me to think it is. This is the second time he moved out in the past month.
<br>My daughter does not know about the affair and when he was leaving the first time we had agreed that we would not tell her. I gave him his space and within two days he was back. My daughters reaction to the situation was I hope he fixes whatever is wrong because I can't take him being angry all of the time. When he came back she thought things were getting better because he had at least changed his attitude with her. Then he went into another tailspin and everything angered him again and decided to leave again. Again he told her he was confused and he needed space to work things out. Thruogh all of this she knows that I am very upset and that he and I have talked but doesn't know about what. She is a smart kid and when I finally asked her how she felt about his leaving yet again she said that she was releived. She could no longer stand to see me upset and handle his being angry at everything. Of the two of us she is close to me, part of the mother/daughter bond. I have been told by several people that I should never tell her of his affair and I don't at this moment intend to at this moment. We have not done a legal separation nor even talked divorce so I feel that telling her now would cause her to take sides. I know that he loves her dearly but part of me feels that he uses this to his advantage. As long as she does not know he can continually emotionally destroy me and not have to face the additional pain he has caused. You see I am willing to work on our marriage but he has taken it upon himself to tell the world (friends and family) that he had the affair and lie to each at variuos steps along the way. My fear is as with anything else that somewhere along the line she will find out. She and I have a relationship of honesty in every area and she knows that if she needs to talk she can come to me and I will openly discuss anything with her. She has distanced herself from her father already and I feel that this would kill any relationship she could have had with him. At 14 it's tough enough without this being thrown at her. I have not lied to her, I have explained to her that I could not explain what her father's problem was and only hoped that space would give him the ability to put closure to his problems. She is smart enough to realize that I have done nothing wrong, we had a good marriage or so all appearances would seem up until his affair on the internet started. She is opinionated and quite the budding little feminist. She would never stand for this, this I'm sure of that's one of the reasons I won't tell her. But I am not in total agreement that children should never know. Is it better to hear 20 years down the line....and have her wonder why?? Should she be told if divorce is what my husband wants? My gut feeling that she should be told at some point when she can handle it....but what is that point???
<p>Kathy

#81832 10/17/98 07:56 PM
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Kathy,
<br>I am almost certain that your daughter may have suspicions that her dad is having an affair. My sons witnessed what their dad was doing at the ages of 6 and 3. At that age, they were not of an understanding as to what it was called or what sex was. I left my ex when my sons were 8 and 5. I have always had a good relationship with them, we've always been close. The day we moved out of the house, my 8 year old told me he knew that "Carol is daddy's girlfriend" I was extremely shocked...It was never discussed with the kids around. I knew that one day my sons would ask why we split up. I didn't know that my son would come to me and tell me he knew why. I believe that your daughter will come to you and share her concerns that her dad may be cheating. It would have to be so hard on her to deal with this, she needs her own time to reach out to you...while it's good to tell her that she can discuss anything with you, I think prodding her to talk will make her withdraw. Good luck to you and your daughter.
<p>marlene

#81833 10/17/98 08:28 PM
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Marlene,
<p>Thank you for your reply and you are probably correct....she is quite intuitive. I agree I should not prod her to open up. She will in due time I know that. But if we are still in limbo mode do I tell her even if she asks. She would not ask her father. She would come to me. And I have always told her that if she has an issue or problem with someone she should ask that person. I don't think I want to do that in this situation. Nor do I like lying to her. And I realize if I confirm her suspisions I would be looked at as being vengefull. Which most definetly not be my intent. I feel I should skirt the issue until I have an idea as to where my marriage is headed. Am I wrong???
<p>Kathy

#81834 10/19/98 12:57 AM
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Carol,
<p>thanks for the response and yes trying o get a 14 year old to talk is not easy. I guess I will know the right moment (I hope). She is not one to hold back her fellings for long and the longer her father is out of the house the closer I think she will get to the question. As a mother we all follow instinct....a God given trait...and I will follow my heart first then my mind. Your relationship with your daughter sounds much like mine, we can talk and after some thought last nite I decided that if anyone have to explain this to her it could not be her father. i would never tell her without her father's knowledge before hand....he does have the right to know if she is asking, and I will listen to any objections he may have but I must weigh them against where she is at in all of this.
<p>Kathy

#81835 10/19/98 11:39 AM
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Dear Kathleen,
<br> In all the marriage work that I, Dr. Harley, and Steve Harley do, the issue of honesty is essential. Dr. Harley writes in his book, Love Busters, that honesty is never a love buster but is something that is essential for successful marriages and families.
<br> I agree with your choice to be honest with your daughter, after warning your husband of your intentions. He will most likely plead for you not to tell her. But don't let dishonesty get him off the hook. Ask him if he would like to be the first to tell her, or perhaps together. But follow through with your plan to be honest with your daughter.
<br> She is a part of your family and needs to have answers as to why your family is in upheavel. She needs to know that her father has made a choice that is thoughtless and violates the standards of your family's values. She needs to know why he could do this to someone he has promised to cherish and protect. She needs to know that you do not agree with what he is doing.
<br> Dishonesy only enables his thoughtless behaviors against you and your daughter. Honesty gets the situation into the light of day. And, this light often lets wayward spouses see how thoughtless they have become and how much pain and suffering they have caused the ones they love.
<br> Once an affair is out in the open, it is more difficult to maintain. An affair usually needs a secret second life. Honesty breaks down this lifestyle and lets people see the situation for what it is--a choice that gains at the other's expense.
<br> I hope you have gotten a copy of Surviving an Affair. We wrote a section on what to do when your spouse won't leave the lover. I suggest that you consider this plan.
<br> You are definitely at a difficult point in the process. I can tell you that I have worked with many spouses at this point--it isn't easy. But don't give up hope--your marriage can still recover. I have worked with many who know this first hand.
<br> I probably will not be able to write back, but I wish you the best!
<br> Dr. Chalmers

#81836 11/27/98 10:22 AM
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my children are 6,7,and 11<p>they found out because of the fighting behind closed doors , cousins , and inadvertantly by myself<p>there is a lot of hostility and anger from the 11 year old towards his father and the two younger have told me they love daddy just don't like him , my husband insist that childten are resiliant and will bounce back i've tried to tell him he is sowing the ground of the future , they will understand someday and the exscuse he gives me now as lame as it is too me i can only imagine how lame it will sound to them down the road for what happened.<p>Right now my children and i are in counseling , thats been the best thing i could have done , I no longer thing of what to do about my husband , now i think about what to do about my children and I. Since daddy no longer lives with us (my choice ) the children seem almost relieved and even i feel as if a great weight has been lifted . What the future holds i don't know but i do know you come to a point where the children will come first in any decision you make .

#81837 11/27/98 08:39 PM
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Lorie, <p>Thank you for your reply, I know that at some point she will have to be told. My husband has been out of the house since Oct. 13 with frequent visits since. I do not see my situation getting any better for the moment and realize that in this world of limbo a day seems like a year. We have basically kept any fighting away from her but to be honest there really hasn't been much. Yes I am angry and hurt but also so very confused. I agree with Dr. Chalmers, she does need to know but it will have to be from him not me. I will be there for support but for me to tell her will be looked at as vengenceand that is not what I want in this situation. But more importantly he must just talk to her. He does not do that and now that I sit back and look at the reality of life I do not know that he has ever really tried at any age. She was always comfortable speaking to me about anything and everything. If she spoke to her father he would would become critical rather than seeing her side. He is doing the same now. He thinks that at fourteen she should be able to just accept what is going on, she cannot. She is angry with him. She has that right. I do not feel at this stage she needs to be told. I am not niave enough to think that she may not already suspect but she has not asked therefore I will hold out a little while and see where we go. I do know in my heart that if she should ask I will have to be honest. I have never lied to her and will not start now. Maybe in my heart I am trying to protect her from the hurt or the reality but I know I need to do this now. In your case you were not able to do that since so much was out in the open, your children have you for stregnth and maybe will some day be able to look at their father in another light. But it is also important that they know that you did nothing wrong....that much I know, as they will need one anchor in their life.

#81838 11/29/98 11:14 AM
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Dear Kathy,<br> I am a 23m who is going through a similar problem, am I know all the doubts you are having, but I still believe in the ole saying, "that honesty is the best policy". I cant tell you what to do, but your daughter has the right to know, and make her own decisions. My son is 5, and when my wife desecrated our marriage, all I could think about was him. One of these days your daughter will know the truth, just make sure when she finds out, its not from his point of view. Like me, you did nothing wrong, dont let him have the benefit of winning the war with your daughter too. <br> I am totally against divorce, but it takes two people to make it work. And with all my sacrifice, and pain, it took me months to let her go. But I am a happier person now, and my son is too, he isnt in the dark anymore. I am a military man myself, from the south, with a deep believe in marriage and family. But when it comes down to it, you have to do whats best for you and your daughter. Is this the kind of life you want for your daughter, to grow up thinking it is ok to treat people this way, or feel she has to put up with the same things when she is older. I will pray for you, and hope you make good decisions for your future. I hope my few words are of some help! Good luck Kathy

#81839 12/28/98 12:26 AM
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Kathleen,<br>I'm going to go out on a limb and say I would NOT tell her unless the lack of knowing the details is causing her problems or is too painful. I think I would simply tell her that her dad did some things that were very damaging to the relationship or that he is not happy in the marriage (whichever seems to fit better) and that you are both working on it very hard. If she asks for details, I would tell her honestly that it is something in which she need not involve herself because the details are a private matter between your husband and yourself. I know this sounds cold and harsh but I do not think that the child should be put in a position to be able to make a judgment at such a young age when they don't have the life experience to truely understand all the nuances of an adult relationship. Also, a child is generally more concerned about the stability of their homelife more than what is sacrificed to keep it stable. Also, at 14 she probably doesn't need to have her home life sexualized. It's a confusing age to begin with since her own sexuality is probably just starting to emerge. To have sex wrapped up with such powerful emotions such as the pain, fear and anger of the loss of her family life, loss of a parent at home and instability in general, seems to me to be way too much for a 14 years old to handle in any meaningful way. By telling her, she would be forced to cope with a lot of adult issues without the full range experience and emotional development an adult has. Finally, I think kids need parents to be parents at times like this instead of "friends." I think they need to feel protected even though they may say that they are coping and not too upset. If you told her she'd feel the need to protect you and take sides, that would be a loss of part of her childhood for her.<br>Now, of course, if she is obviously being eaten up inside by not knowing, then ignore the above advice! But not all kids are that curious. My husband is 35 and has NEVER asked his parents why they got a divorce. On some level he just really doesn't want to know and take sides. I also know that he thinks that it is none of his business. Good luck to you. You sound like someone who really wants to put what is good for your child ahead of what might be easier or good for you (I know it's hard). A last thought, kids are hurt when you lie, but not telling them the whole truth out of consideration for their age is not lying and they will understand that eventually. They aren't adults and shouldn't be treated like adults. When they are adults, then I think they deserve the whole truth IF they ask.

#81840 12/28/98 08:14 AM
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dear kathleen,<br>When my wife cheated. i thought it best to tell my daughter of 8 years that her mother did something wrong. I also told her that it was my fault also because I failed in my duties has a husband to care for my wife. i keep hearing from you and others that you did nothing wrong. how can that be. It takes two people to start an affair. I strongly believe that affairs are terrible and should not be tolerated but I also understand my role in my wife actions. You need to explain to you daughter what your husband did and also why you are to blame also. You seem to think that if you tell her it will be for vengence. But if you explain that you did not meet his needs like a wife should and he broke a scared vow to you and to God she will see not only that the affair was wrong but what lead to it. It is our jobs has pareants to raise and teach our children how to live. I can think of no greater gift to give your daughter then the knowledge of what it truly takes to make a good marriage. Sit her down explain the concepts on this page. Explain to her what your vows mean to you and have your husband explain what his mean to him. Let her understand what type of behavior leads to divorce and what type leads to a happy life long marriage. If you only blame your husband to her she will end up hating her father but if you lay the blame squarely on each other shoulders she will begin to understand that marriage is hard work and involves great personal scarifice. Hopefully this will give her the needed knowledge to make postive decisions and take postive actions in her own marriage when that time comes. Take the oppurtunity to make every effort that your daughter does not have to go through the pain you are.

#81841 12/28/98 08:13 PM
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To AllSides and RustyNail, <p>Thank you both for your input and response to something that I feel like I wrote a year ago when in actuality it is only a little over two months. First in reply to Allsides I can understand your point of veiw but do not whole heartedly agree. It is now several months since life has changed for she and I and to date I have not said anything to her. I do not intend to come right out and tell her nor did I ever intend to. If she is to be told it will be by her father with me present. I truly beleive that in order to heal any marriage honesty is the best policy but I am not pushing the issue. She is an intellegent young lady and part of me truly beleives she already knows and if the day should come that she should ask me I want/need to be prepared to answer her honestly. I agree she is not an adult and therefore, however this is handled it would have to be delicately, but with a teenagers exposure to media and outside influences conclusions are usually made by them or those around them and I really need to be prepared to answer the question if it should arise. <p>In response to Rustynail.....taken from yours......'i keep hearing from you and others that you did nothing wrong. how can that be. It takes two people to start an affair......' It is now 2 1/2 months since he walked out. Yes he was capable of blaming me for his affair but in retrospect he has apologized and repeatedly said I have done nothing. His blame in the beginning was simple justification for his actions. Don't get me wrong, I am more than willing to take action to correct whatever needs of his that were not being met but if I am never told what they are I can never make a change. In reference to your comment to that it takes two people to start an affair...you are correct there....but I do hope you do not mean that I am one of the two. As I see it if my husband had issues or needs not being met than it was his place to tell me. Having an affair does not justify his inability to speak to me. After being married for 21 years he certainly had enough time to speak up. Nothing I could have done or not done can ever justify the betrayal I have had heaped on me. So if you meant me as one of the two, I absolutely will not take blame..... <p>As far as my feeling that my telling her would be an act of vengence. One of the reason I posted here is because I felt that at some point she may ask or should be told. I felt that if I should tell her alone that it would appear to others that I was being vengeful although that would not be my intent. I have since realized that the best way to handle the situation if it should arise is to have both her father and I present to answer any questions. I agree that she should know all aspects of the issues that led up to the point we are at but that is a little difficult when the person that walked out is still in "I'm not sure what I want" land. I have been open and honest about all aspects of this mess as I am able but I can not and will not answer for him. He has consistantly told me he has difficulty talking to me because he knows how much he has hurt me, I can no longer go on like this so I have requested that he ask his therapist to act as a mediator if it will make it easier for him to speak to me. If this is not a viable solution I will then seek joint counseling so that I can have answers to this state of limbo I am living in. Again thank you both for your responses and I am happy to say to date I have not had to deal with this issue yet but do realize I may have to in the future. <p>Kathy<br>

#81842 12/30/98 01:06 AM
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Kathy, I can understand the position you are in. When things came to a head and i could no longer deal with my H of 22 years' affair, I asked him to leave. At that time, I did not give my children, ages 16 and 13 the true reason. When we decided to work on our relationship and attempt to repair it, there was so much tension in our home and I became very physically ill. this was evident to our children and it was frightening for them. We believed that it was important for our children to know a "dose" of the truth. Part of our reasoning was that, since we already had caused a trauma to our family life, we wanted some type of positive lesson to ultimately be learned from it. that is, if we were unable to repair the damage, we were saying to our children..."You must take responsiblity for your actions and remember that your actions impact others around you, not just yourself. Sometimes those actions, when conducted selfishly in a vacuum, can be so devastating to others that you cannot be forgiven and/or the damage cannot be repaired." If we are able to reconcile, then we believe we are sending an important message of the power of love and forgiveness. Either way, we believe that children at these ages, deserve more than pacification. First, I described my H's relationship as his "being interested" in someone else. Later, when my struggle became more and more obvious and difficult, my H spoke to our children and told them that he "talked with someone else...spent time with her and that sometimes it was physical." That was the extent of the information. My daughter told us both that she didn't appreciate being treated as a little kid and that "what did we think she was...stupid?" She then said that she DID appreciate knowing how hard we were trying and that she WANTED to know how we were doing because it mattered to her. Both of our children have a lot of friends with divorced parents. All of our children are dealing with the Clinton scandal. No, they do not need details...but, although I agree that these teenage years are difficult ones because they are dealing with their OWN sexuality...remember that sometimes when they don't have ANY information...IMAGINATIONS CAN RUN EVEN WILDER!!! <p>Only you know your child, Kathleen. I believe that we did the best thing for our children. Listen to your intuition.<p>As for RUSTYNAILS...please! For your own sake, don't take the "blame" for your wife's affair. There is a difference between accepting responsibility for the actions that led to the deterioration of your relationship.. but SHEchose to handle the problems in a disrespectful and destructive manner. I have had NO DIFFICULTY accepting my part in the deterioration of our marriage. in fact, I considered having an affair with an old boyfriend. Before I did, however, i decided that I owed it to my H, no matter how bad things had gotten, and I couldn't risk hurting my children. I use the analogy that my H and I BOTH laid the mine field but I chose to try to de-activate and HE lit the match!!! <p>Ginny


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