I have not written since before Xmas as things have been a bummer. My H bought me a very nice Xmas present, which was a big surprise. He cut all contact with OW on Nov. 16 and has been trying to work on us, which is also a surprise. My insecurities have been working overtime in that I imagine all sorts of events between the two happening, but I can find no proof. She has not called him, she has not left voice mails, the only thing I can't be sure of is E-mails as I don't know his password, so I can't check that.
He did although have a very rude awakening last week in that we went to our favorite sports bar for a sandwich and low and behold who was there with another man, but OW. My H did not see her right away and steered me towards a table, which I realized she was sitting next to us, with her back to both of us. He was within arms distance from her and didn't realize it as he had other things on his mind. Our favorite waitress came over immediately and practically sat us down as she was anxious to talk and ask how our NY was, etc. When the OW got up to leave her table and the other man she was with, my H then realized who it was, but never made a move. He did note that she had no coat (there is a hotel connected with the sports bar and restaurant) and I noted she had no purse. Keep in mind I didn't know it was her, but when we came in the room I had that womans intuition that something was going to happen or that I should pay attention to things around me. I found out two days later from my H after I told him I couldn't go on anymore wondering when the axe was going to fall and she was going to call or contact him and I would be moving on. He then let me know that he was sure she would not contact him as she had someone else already (or all along) and asked if I did not see her the other night. It hit me like a ton of bricks, but it hit him worse as he now felt like the biggest fool ever. He almost threw away his M and now realizes that she is a player and was playing him all along. He said he always wondered if she had someone else, but could never catch her at it or prove it and here it was arms distance from him staring him in the face. I guess I felt that revenge is sweet especially when you have nothing to do with it. Fate (God) put us in that sports bar as we planned to make dinner at home, but what we planned to eat was no where to be found in my freezer and I was sure I had some. He was very angry and very hurt as I think he always thought she loved him and would be back eventually after she sorted things out or after she thought I had calmed down enough and was rational, and when he saw her with the OM he was devastated (been there, done that). He now thought he wanted revenge and after we discussed what Dr. Harley says about how affairs start and end, he decided the best thing he (or we) could do was to forget the past, leave her alone and work on our future and building what we want to have with ourselves. He realizes now that she must not want to leave her H as he is her babysitter, etc. and provides her the opportunity to see OM whenever she wants and my H feels like the biggest fool there is and well he should as far as I feel, but I also told him he is a human being and had geniune feeling for this OW and apparently she did not have those same feelings for him, but that he could rest assured that I had those feelings for him and I hoped he could accept me and bury her forever. He now said that is what he wants.
So why do I still have reservations? Why does my mind dream up these stupid things? Why do I feel like I was set up last week? Even though I know he really did not want to go out to eat as he had had a long day on the road driving for his job? Why was she in a place that she knew he and I frequented regularly and that she stood a big chance of him being there? Was it so she could see him, but she would know I would be with. Boy did she hightail it out of there fast and when we walked in I bet she felt like crawling under that table and disappearing. I bet she will never go there again in her lifetime. That was the first time we had ever run into her together. I think if she was still in love with my H she would have contacted him the next day to try to explain the scene he saw. Don't you? Does this prove he meant nothing to her, but a playtoy for her when she needed him and the other was not available?
Otherwise, she was contacting him regularly up until November 16th.
What do you out there think? I need some input and guidance. Help and Happy New Year to you all.

Hello,
IT does sound like OW is a player. However, I forgot your story. I will try and go back and re-read your posts.
O.k. I just read your posts and yes idoes sound like your ex-OW is a player.

I also can relate wondering if anything is going on. I think about that a lot still and it has 22 months since D-Day.

Dawn

<small>[ January 14, 2003, 09:49 AM: Message edited by: Dawn71 ]</small>

Dawn71,
What do you mean by you think something is going on? Do you mean they are playing a game with me and this was a set up? But I don't know how it could be as my H wanted to stay home and have dinner that night as he was tired. Maybe I don't understand what you meant. Please fill me in.
Thanks.

W2WitOut,

I just wanted to quickly tell you a little about a moment of clarity.

My husband got one too.

I've told this story before, so bare with me if you've heard it.

Set up: Our BestFriend OW who he had an emotional affair with. H wanted to have a platonic friendship with her and fought me tooth and nail over it. Refused to let her friendship go. Swore she had no illwill towards our family and it was just a "freak of nature" that they fell in love. I never believed it for a moment.

One day I relayed to him how in highschool my real girlfriends would never even look twice at a guy another girlfriend so much as kissed. It was just off limits and you knew that in your soul. I asked him if he ever even looked twice at one of his friend's girls and he admited no he hadn't.

Well in their next coversation, H mentioned how I felt to OW and she commented "well your wife and I were never girlfriends like that anyway. I was friends with her because she was your wife. you were my friend."

At that very moment in time my H said he saw her for what she was and knew that she could never be our friend because she wasn't a friend to our marriage. From that day forward he has had ZERO contact. And I do have passwords to voicemail, and email.

All it takes is for one true color to poke through to shake these men from their fog. Then they compare that true color to the beautiful bird they have in their hand and make a decision that the bird in the bush pales in comparison.

Sounds to me like you hubby saw the true color and is finally awake.

Be thankful, be joyous, and love your husband like you've never loved him before. Remind him daily why you are truely his flesh, his wife, his helpmate, his lover and his friend. Capitalize on his moment of clarity and he will return the gestures. I promise.

Z.

Z: You say the best things....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Be thankful, be joyous, and love your husband like you've never loved him before. Remind him daily why you are truely his flesh, his wife, his helpmate, his lover and his friend. Capitalize on his moment of clarity and he will return the gestures. I promise </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thanks!!!!!

Why thank you Angelia for the compliment.

But really, I just say what's on my heart and relay what I know worked for me.

It's such an uphill battle we are all fighting. Recovery is no easy task. I feel thankful everyday that I've been able to come out of the tunnel with my marriage in tact. God willing others will too. And if there is any ray of hope in my story or my experience ... I want to share it.

God bless all of us,
Z.

Wanttoworkitout,

Ow is not unlike ow in our situation.

We saw her in Dec. at a favorite eating place of ours w/her mom.

Within a half hour her mom was gone and she surrounded herself w/about a half dozen men...H and I ate and left....I know how you feel and I'm glad I'm not ow....

Was happy to walk out w/H....

She is something else.....
love and prayers,
Debi

Hello,
Sorry, if I confused you. I was reading your old posts. And I thought I read along the lines that you did not know if you trusted your H about not having any contact with ex-OW since I believe Nov. 16.

I was just stated that I can relate to that because my H works late at night and I wonder if he is actually working or not. The reason being he is an consultant and has to travel all over so the only way I can get a hold of him is on his cell phone. And when he had the A he told me he was working late.

Dawn

Thank you all for all of the support. Dawn71 what a coincidence. My daughter's name is Dawn and she was born in 71. I feel like I am at home with all of you. We all have something in common. My H has now gotten over his initial anger and is not seeking revenge, but he said yesterday that he understands OW as she did not have him so OW had to find someone else. I told him that is a cop out on his part, and is that forgiveness I hear in his voice, but he said no that is his way of dealing with his anger and his need for revenge against her because she made him feel like a grand fool and also because he almost lost me also because of it. Do you think he is being sincere? I know that is hard for you to answer as you don't know him personally, but in your vast past experience what do you think? I know more about her and her men, but do I dare tell him? I don't want him seeking revenge, as it does no good and also because it would entail some type of contact on his part, which he says he does not want, but do I owe it to him to tell him what I know from an outside source? Help me solve this problem too. I hope I am not depending on you guys too much, but your responses have given me some encouragement.
Thanks! And I hope all of you are doing well also. Things seem to be better here, but I still have my doubts she won't try something and I feel really rotten that he does in a way still feel love for her. Can it really be love, or just what he thought was love?

Thank you for those encouraging words as I am in the 2nd month of recovery from being told about H affair and child being born. We are fighting for our marriage in MC, Church, praying together, communicating better and his support is helping getting me past this. Thank you again for those words you gave to the other person.

Wanttoworkitout,
He is probably trying to be sincere but angry at the same time. I do not think I would tell him right now what you know.

Dawn

P.S. I was born 1971 and my middle name is Marie.

Dawn,
Her middle name is Mardel and born in July 1971. What a coincidence.
Thank you for your words, and I will probably take your advice. He is angry at her not me though and still would like to seek revenge and I told him let it be. Let her wallow in her own self pity and go on with his life with me.
Good advice, don't you think.