I am in the process of getting a divorce from my wife. The story goes:<P>She had an affair last summer. We tried to work it out. It turned out she was lieing, and continued seeing OM. OM lives in town, goes to same synagogue, kids go to same schools, etc. <BR>We are separated, and all the papers are signed. OM has just told his wife he is leaving.<P>Here is the problem. I (and my wife) had kept the affair quiet, trying to save our kids the pain of knowing. My daughter is 14, son is 11. <BR>They are currently away at summer camp, and are coming home Friday.<BR>In the past two weeks, gossip about my wife (ex?) and OM has been spreading, fast. Small town gossip. <BR>This will obviosly get back to my kids. <P>I feel that we have to tell them the truth. At least some of it. <BR>Tell them that their mom fell in love with another man while still married. Period. No mention of affair. Let them know that people will be talking about it. And, that it may be hurtful.<P>My wife wants to tell them that she and him were just friends, until recently. Then they fell in love. <P>My concerns here are:<BR>Since he only just notified his wife, this would make her a homewrecker, and subject my kids to a worse fate. Especially by his kids.<BR>I don't think my kids would buy into the fact that she fell in love in 2-3 months.<BR>I want my kids to trust me, and believe me. If we tell a story that is not plausable, they won't believe it, and will not believe me any more.<P>Any advice is welcome.

Bill;<P>I was in the same boat as you. The ex lives with her friend now with my kids.<BR> <BR>I would only answer their questions as they ask them. Tell them they can ask you anything but you have the right to take the time to think of an answer. Tell them you love them and try to always be available to them. They know what went/is going on.<P>Mine knew what my ex did. <P>Dennis

Bill:<P>I think you answered your own question, especially by posting it in This Forum.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> Since he only just notified his wife, this would make her a homewrecker, and subject my kids to a worse fate. Especially by his kids.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I don’t get this... why is SHE the homewrecker, and not them BOTH? Is there some big conspiracy here by ALL the parents to say it only Just happened? This one is gonna blow up in all of your faces. Because...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR> I don't think my kids would buy into the fact that she fell in love in 2-3 months.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Nope. Kids are smart. They might buy it if they were my son’s age(5), but not much beyond that. Of course, coming from their parents, it will be more plausible, since you have always been truthful with them before, right? At least until now...<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I want my kids to trust me, and believe me. If we tell a story that is not plausable, they won't believe it, and will not believe me any more.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What lessons do you want your children to learn? You are now a father first and foremost. Your wife made her bed, now she must lie in it(sorry for the double analogy). If your W thinks her “love” for this OM is so wonderful, why would she hide it from her kids? You certainly do not owe her anything at this point, particularly not the destruction of your relationship with your children.<P>Tell the truth. Doing otherwise has gotten me in SO much trouble over the last couple years. I was never any good at it, so I am back to complete honesty. Much easier. Why teach your kids that it’s OK to lie, like your wife did?<P>Let us know how it goes. Or rather, how it Went, seeing the date on your original post(in fact, you might want to do that over on the Infidelity board... I know this is actually the appropriate place, but I wouldn’t have found it if not for searching for your posts).<BR><p>[This message has been edited by WhoDat (edited August 26, 1999).]

My kids have a clue- they have heard the crying the arguing through walls they want to know the truth...they all want to know where they stand.<P>My fear is that they will think that this kind of thing is normal and that they will have to endure the same infidelity pain. I do not want them to marry "their father" But if I am honest alnd let them know that they deserve better and that although their father loves them to his capacity then I hope they will figure it out... kids are too smart to hide all this stuff...they know often before we do.