THANKS FOR ANSWERING MY THREADS. I felt kind of needy yesterday-it was a BAD day and I cried all day long. I heard from my lawyer and my court date is 03/03/03 and we have been married for 3 years- HA HA kind of funny huh? Do you think thats a sign? I'm still NOT 100% sure that my M is over but I feel like I have to D to protect myself and my son. If my H is going to have to file bank rupt. then he is going to have to legalize CS w/ the OW and I want my DS recognized by the courts first and get myself away from him financially. I just feel SO lost!! I feel like if I stayed with him or even recommit to him I'm being a coward. I have ALWAYS had low self-esteem and a family history of infidelity and I feel that staying with a man who could do this to me would be feeding my esteem issues and continueing the circle of infidelity. I feel that people will look at me and think "how could she put up with that from her H, if that was me, I'd leave in a heartbeat" My WHOLE family (and his)knows what has happened and EVERYTHING has changed. I still feel some love for him but is it fair to have a H that I can't take to family functions and is it fair for me to get all these looks of regret from his family too. HOW THE HELL DOES THIS KIND OF THING HAPPEN! I was ALWAYS worried about marring the "wrong" man and the SINGLE most important thing to me in my M was a faithful H and my UH KNEW that but still cheated on me anyway b/c of his sex issues. I also can't stop trying to figure out the OC conception date b/c the OW says they did on our anniversary. THAT would bug me but I don't think they did it ON the date but somewhere near that date and WHY it matters to me, I have no idea. THIS IS NOT MY LIFE-ITS A SICK JERRY SPRINGER EPISODE!!!

Hello,
I guess you have to decide what you want to. If you want to continue with your husband or not. You still sound undecided. Sorry, must help here. I will say a prayer for you.

Dawn

mylife,
your grief is so so normal--devastating, but normal. I totally remember the "JerrySpringerfeeling"! UGH!

Hang in there... there IS a better tomorrow; it just takes a long sad while.

It's too bad all your relatives know. I think it helped me a lot to keep it quiet for long time, so that their opinions didn't sway me. No matter what their opinions are, YOU and your child will have to live with this forever, not them.

You are NOT being a coward by reconciling with your H. IF he is willing to work on his issues that caused his affair, you've probably got a better future with him, who's learned difficult lessons the hard way, than someone else.

Do you have any kind of counselor? Have you read the Marriage Builders principles? Or any affair recovery books? These things are important to recovery.

And even if you do not reconcile with your H, if you do not get counseling, , you will likely repeat the same/similar problems with another man.

Be very kind to yourself during this difficult time; be your own very best friend!

God be with you,
J
in recovery 4.5y and glad I stayed

I think we all have that "Jerry Springer" feeling when we have been hit with infidelity and betrayal. Your pain and hurt is completely normal. Be sure to read ALL sections of this site and try to read the recommended books. It always made me feel less helpless to gain knowledge about affairs and relationships and to constructively do something to rebuild my life.

"I feel like if I stayed with him or even recommit to him I'm being a coward."

You have no reason to feel like a coward. If you still love your H, and desire to save your marriage it takes strength,,not cowardice. Recovery is tough and not for sissies. But, when it works, it's well worth it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"I feel that people will look at me and think "how could she put up with that from her H, if that was me, I'd leave in a heartbeat"

We ALL know,,it's easy to say what you WOULD do,,,,UNTIL you walk in that persons shoes. How do you know others are not looking at you and thinking,,"What a strong loving woman!!" And more important..who CARES what others are thinking. This is YOUR life, not theirs.

"is it fair to have a H that I can't take to family functions"
If you decide to stay and rebuild your marriage, you need to have a talk with your family,,and his, if necessary. Let them know that while you appreciate their concern, right now you need their support for your decision to rebuild. Explain that you and your H intend to surround yourselves with supporters, not destroyers. Ask them to join in your efforts.

"and the SINGLE most important thing to me in my M was a faithful H and my UH KNEW that but still cheated on me anyway"
You know what? Mine too. But I realize we don't always get what we want in this life. So do I give up this marriage and try again, hoping it won't happen with the next marriage? Or do I dust myself off and make new goals for the rest of my life? Your choice. I chose to stay.

And just a suggestion that I have found throughout my years at MB forums. If you'd like more responses to your posts, respond to each of those that reply to your posts. Let them know you read their reply and appreciate them taking time out of their busy lives to post a reply. Answer their questions, thank them for their compassion, their suggestions, their advice. Let them know if their suggestions are possible or if not, why. I noticed on your last post you had several responses and questions and didn't reply to any of them. Just a suggestion,,,, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Nerlycrzy,

I was just reading what you were telling to Thisisnotmylife. I am in the same boat, but my family and friends do not know about oc/ow. I don't what them to know because they all think my marriage is so perfect.

I really enjoyed reading what you told her, and it also has help me a little. I have only been on the post for a little over a month, but I do try to reply back to answer all the questions that my new friends want to. I still don't know how to get around on the forums that well yet.

I am just trying to make put my life and marriage back together.

Thisisnotmylife,

We must keep our heads up and be strong. I still love my h, but is having a hard time dealing with this. I am new to this post, so if you want to talk I am here.

Love to you all

-------
married 20 years(dated 9 years)
d-day 12/17/02
oc born 9/00
4 children
no contact

THANKS TO ALL!!
I really appreciate ALL the help you've given me. I would be going nuts with out this board's help. I still THINK I love my UH but its hard to admit that you can love someone who has treated you so badly. I do think he loves and miss me a lot and will do ANYTHING to stay or get back together someday but I just fear that he would do this again some day down the road and I would be faced with this whole thing again. It sounds awful but I think I could forgive the affairs but the OC is a deal breaker. Weather we have NC or C that OC and the OW will ALWAYS be attached to our lives. The OW gets a house and nice cars and we have to send her $300 a month that could have gone to a house payment for US. I just don't think I can take the constant reminder of what he did to us. But then I think I have a H now who knows what it would be like to lose me and will value me more b/c of that. I just WISH this NEVER happened!!!

thisisnotmylife,
Hi. I believed I have answered you once before on another thread. It sounds to me like your WH is doing his best to reconcile. Please be sure about the divorce before you do it. There are other options. You could file for a legal separation which would protect you financially.

As far as family is concerned I agree w/ the poster that stated surround yourself w/ people that support you. And again who cares what others think. Life is about choices. Living alone is not easy either. Do what is right for you.

I also understand about being able to accept the infidelity, but not the OC. Although I doubt he will be unfaithful to me I have made sterilization a prerequisite of our M. If he does cheat I at least won't have to deal w/ an OC or CS.

Keep posting and never apologize here for feeling needy. That is what this board is designed for. tew