My husband abused me on March 31, 2003. He thought that I knew about him "advertizing " himself on the net. On top of that,he's having a sexual affair with another woman. Since then, I have tried to go to marriage counseling, and spoke about the "findings". He promised to stop lying, and seeing her. He is also going to counseling for "Anger Management". I am going for Domestic Violence. I still want my marriage to work, as crazy as it sounds. We've been married for 12 years, and was a relationship of "peacefulness" until now. We are living separate because of the court order. In the year 2001, he claimed to be "impetent", and we have not made love since. He have tried "viagra", says it made him feel like he was having a "heart attack". so I never "tried" for love making since that day. I felt that he would speak to his doctor, and find a solution when he was ready. I have been faithful in our marriage, I so believe in those "vows". It really hurts to know that he's been with another woman, and to this day,even knowing I know, he still sees her. I'm so broken, I don't know which way to turn. It seems as if Counseling isn't helping. Any suggestions?

<small>[ May 30, 2003, 03:12 PM: Message edited by: rkinney1 ]</small>

I am sorry that you are dealing with this. I just read an article today about "infidelity as abuse" at

http://www.batteredmen.com/batinfid.htm

that you might want to read.

Just to clarify - are you two going to counseling together? You have a court order as a protective or no-contact order? I don't think it sounds crazy for you to want to repair your marriage - but I do think that you can find some positive things to do while you're apart, like working on centering yourself. You aren't to blame for his behavior - and if he is abusive towards you (and you towards him?), maybe you can use this time as self-discovery.

Maybe your H is having a mid-life crisis, go to this page and see what you think:

http://www.psychologytoday.com/HTDocs/prod/PTOInfo/pto_term_mid-life.asp

I am sorry for your pain and I wish you the best.

Thank you for "listening" to my pain. We are not going to marriage counseling,and
hardly ever talk. If anything, I'm always the one calling him, and thenit's through his
pager he has from work. He refuses to give me his cell phone number, has since purchased a new vehicle. He says if all goes well on our court date (7-9-03),
that he wants to move back in, with separate bedrooms. He told me that he "fell" out
of love with me two years ago,and didn't know how to "turn" back. Just wish this whole thing was over, I hate it. My family says leave him, and I just feel so helpless because we haven't even discussed our problems. He refuses to answer any questions.
Hurt

Hi rkinney1,

I've read that porn addiction can lead to violence. I've also read that porn addiction and/or an affair can lead to sexual dysfunction when with the spouse. Where was he 'advertising' himself online? Was he visiting porn sites?

For your safety, I don't think it would be a good idea to let him move back in unless he successfully completes therapy for anger management and any other problems (maybe porn addiction).

He was "advertised" on Yahoo.com, yes he was into "porn sights" also, and is going through the "anger management " therapy now. My problem now is that he ha a cell phone, and refuses to give me his number. He says he'll straighten everything out when he gets home.
I want to believe him, but his dishonesty doesn't convince me that things will work out. He says he has spoke to his therapist, and knows that we need to spend more time together. Claims he fell out of love with me two years ago.
Thank you for listening, this is very difficult for me.

Hi rkinny1,
I can definitely sympathize with the pain you are going through.
I'm not so sure he is being honest either. Why does he say he'll work on it when he gets home?
Do you think that is just a form of manipulation.
To get him off of all court charges?? If he tells the judge you and him are back together, he is off of everything, he has gone to counseling, and so on. I'm sorry I don't think he is sincere. He knows how much you love him and want him home, and may use this to get out of the court process? What do you think?
And specifically he won't work on the relationship now, but will when he gets home?!!!
I don't know about that either. It seems if he
really wants to come home he would be working on it with you now. I would probably give him an
alternative, that until you trust him again, he cannot come home. Until you feel he is being honest with you. Do you know if he is still seeing the OW? I don't think things are clear
enough for you right now, and him coming home only on his terms is manipulation.
I'm sorry rkinny, but I think you are taking a big risk right now if you accept him back home.
He's not even talking to you now, it all seems so wrong. Please don't let him treat you like this. You give him the impression that you are too weak to live without him, and he uses you and manipulates you with that.
You can live without him, and I want you to say that many times a day. "I can live without _______!!" There is life after him!!! And a much better life!!!! Trust in the Lord with all your heart!!!

Praying for you,
God bless you!!!
-----ladysheep

Not sure about OW. He says he's not, but I don't believe it. Says he has to wait to work on our marriage, mainly because court ordered "no contact" with me until trial. And you're so right, he knows I love him, committed, and remain loyal. I need to just say I can live without him, and just "do it". Sometimes things are easier said than done. Can't believe it happened to me, my marriage, my life. Thanks for the advised, all will be considered.
Rkinney1

Oh, I see you aren't supposed to have any contact even "phone contact?" How long has he been away? If you survived with out him this long, it is possible.
I just don't think you have enough answers yet,
so it's not good timing, especially about the OW. Nothing has been worked on since the "order of protection and incident." It just seems to soon for him to come home as soon as trial is over. I just want you to remain "safe."
That is what an "order of protection is for."

I can't tell you what to do, this is just the way I see things, and I am concerned for you.

I believe marriages can be healed, but every situation is different. Safety is the main concern for you emotionally/physically/spiritually.

You can't make him love you, nobody can. If he doesn't have love in his heart, he can't love you or anyone else. If pornography is in his heart, he's really in trouble and anyone who gets around him will be hurt. Alot of people go back because it's what they are used too, and comfortable, but it doesn't make it the right thing to do.

I really hope and pray you make the right decision.

Sent with Love, -ladysheep

We are allowed "phone contact", approved by judge. On March 31st is when all this took place, and he was ordered to stay away. He keeps saying he doesn't know if he's going to have to serve time, so why try to "work" out anything until after the trial.
He really wants me to say that we are working on our relationship, but he won't make an effort. Like, have the mail for him sent back home, give me his cell phone number,
etc. He has said he's sorry, and it would never happen again. And, you're right, you can't make someone love you. I'm just so afraid. I'm 50 years old, and hate to start over. Thank you again.
rkinney1

Hi,
Just another thought.

I think you deserve someone else that you can remain loyal/faithful too. And that someone else, will love you and respect you enough to remain that way with you also.

You are trying to be the martyr in all of this.
You don't care that he don't love you, and will
accept him back not loving you, possible OW, and pornography. That is really a "sick thought", and I pray you will get counseling for that.

yes love + yes love = yes love

yes love + no love = no love

no love + no love = no love

You deserve so much better. Don't short yourself. Love yourself enough to say "I will not waste my life with a man who treats me like this"

You are important. Treat yourself to something good every day.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Hi again,
I divorced back in 1998 to a very abusive man, and he did not love me either. I am now married to a man who is 51 years old (acts 12 sometimes, just kidding, he's very young at heart). We got married 2 years ago, and we have a 11 month old son. It is possible to start over. And starting over can be very exciting.

I understand you are scared right now, and it hurts, but I want you to have hope that better things can happen. It's not all over for you after divorce/separation.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Yes, I have always been the "martyr" in this relationship. And, he says that he is working his feelings out for me with his counselor. And, I don't want to accept the
fact that if he comes home, he will live just as he has been. I am really considering about moving back to my home town, and get a "fresh" start. I know I shouldn't let age and having to find a new job get in my way. All of my family feel as you do, and they keep saying "please, don't make that mistake". Dumbfoundedly, I keep thinking I have a 50-50 chance. I just don't want to "lose".
You are very caring, thank you.

Hi again,
Yep, see he wants you to say he and you are working on the relationship, but he has made no
effort, so he wants you to "lie" for him. Don't lie for him. He isn't even allowing any communiction on the phone. That is not good. And that pretty much speaks for itself.

I am so glad your family is there for you, and
I think you will "win" by starting over, and the battle will be over. rkinny, he's the loser in it all, not you.

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Thank you, you're right, he does just want to "lesson" the punishment if he gets "jail" time. I wanted to file for a separation, go to counseling. My attorney says a "separation" can only be done if the other party agrees, and he won't, I tried.
So, I guess I'll have to file for divorce, and try to move on. You really have made me feel better.
Thank you

Hi again,
I'm so glad you are feeling better. I know you will get through it, and you are becoming stronger, and more confident already. That is sooo awesome!!!

I just know better things are going to happen for you!!!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

It's amazing!! My husband is on "house arrest", and is to only go to work and back to his nephews (that's where he lives) . Can you believe that this past Friday night, he went out to a bar (so he says). The way I found out is he called me Friday evening, and I returned his call. His nephew told me he was at work, so, I called his work. They said he never works nights
( I knew that), and I reported him to the detention center. I tell you, it's like an "obession", I
have for him. He calls me Saturday, and yells at me, and says "you are ruining my life'!!
So, Monday, he had to go to the detention center, and see his "worker". I bet you
they slapped his hands.
rkinney1

I reported him to the detention center.
Good for you!
Sucks to be him, eh?

Thank you, and believe me, I pray to God everyday in hopes that I'll be strong enough
to live my life without him. Amazing, how people you think you know change. I take
those marriage vows so seriously, not sure I do anymore.
rkinney1

Hi again,
Yep, you did the right thing calling the detention center. I don't think they will
"slap his hand" because that is a violation and
will be on the record when he goes to trial, and the judge will see that and make a determination of sentence based on that also. So it doesn't look good for him.

You did take your marriage vows seriously, but he
didn't. He broke the vows over and over. And now he will suffer the hurt it has caused. Sad to say, but true!!!!

Sent with Love, -Ladysheep

Well, this makes a second time for him being in violation,
and sadly, I hope you're right. It would be so wonderful to find
someone who will love, honour, and cherish me. Who knows,
is that possible, and at my age??? I know, here I go again with the
age!! It's nice to have all of you to share my "problem" and hurt with,
thanks again.
rkinney1