Well we got the results from oc paternity tests friday. H is the father. 99.96% positive.

I am heart broken. OC was born 8/02. H has had no contact with OC. What should we do now? Should we continue with no contact or should he "be a father to her".

We had 3 children- 17,13,7
She had 2 children from divorced husband

OW is now supposedly engaged and pregnant with fiances child. Her fiance was seeing her before the birth of OC and loves her as his own. My H wants OC in as normal lifestyle as possible with a mother and father. OW's Fiance wants OC to have HIS last name, but OW is afraid for him to adopt her "just in case the marriage doesn't WORK out".
I'm sure she really just wans OUR money.

What do we do now? Do we tell our children and families about OC and have a relationship with her at the risk hurting our families (especially our children) over what H did, or should we just pay child support and continue to have no contact. H name is on birth certificate. I'm sure OC will find out one day that he is father and will possibly contact us. Should we tell our kids now or wait and see what happens.

I have forgiven H & OW, but finding out H definately is the F has really cut into those old wounds. I'm finding myself somewhat bitter. I had prayed and prayed and prayed that he would'nt be the F and I feel hurt and rejected by God for not answering my prayer the way I wanted him to. I know he has a reason for everything and will help me to get through this, but I still feel terribly hurt.

Pray for me that God will help me to get past the pain and learn to accept his decision.

Any advice on what to do as far as contact/no contact, especially from BS would be greatly appreciated.

I'm sorry for your pain.

I let my H make the choice because they(2OC's) are his responsiblity. My H now has CA, and still prefers no contact.

We invited both OC's to visit for a week in 1996. Only one chose to come. All H's children, and ours got to meet the OC. Our whole family chose no more contact. H does pay CS.

It always bothers me that H wishes no contact, or a letter to them, in case of death. So, one day not long ago, I asked him why.

This is what my H told me:

OC's have good male and female support role models to follow.

They are surrounded with family that is both loving, religious, and forgiving. H knew the whole OWs family because A was 11 years long.

H feels, why not leave them alone, to lead their own life. OC's have many Uncles who are good father roles, like big brothers.

They are getting a good education.

Then H and I talked of our children, all adults, and the no interest they showed when introduced to the OC. Even though they are blood related, they showed no interest. One of our children didn't smile on one single picture. Nor have any asked to see those pictures.

My H also stated, that, after five years of no contact, why stir up a pot of worms.

My H also stated that that OC's now hate him anyways, and he can live with that.

My H has very poor parenting skills, and really never cared much for children.I knew this when I married him. All men who father children, do not necessarily mean they are going to be good fathers, or even know how to, or don't really give a damn. Just like all pregnant women are going to be great mothers. Some people should never be parents to begin with, but who am I to judge?

If my H decides to make contact with OC's, he may do so, or invite them for a week. They are now young adults. I do think of them often. Sometimes I wonder why they do not contact me. I met them both when I flew to other state as a guest of OW. I also met her mother, sisters, and best friend. We had quite a discussion.

If I had not met and talked to OW, I don't think I would have stayed.

What's really nice, is that our children, OC's, OW's family, our families, and some friends know the truth.

At least if OC shows up on our doorstep, H and I would invite them in. He smiled when he said it.

It is nice to have no secrets anymore. I think honesty is the best policy.

I didn't mean to get carried away.

I let my H make the decision of contact.

I do know that if contact were chosen before our marriage healed, our marriage would not have survived. Counseling also helps.

Every persons decision and situation is unique.

Wishing you well, and hoping your pain lightens.

ember

Dear Butterflybonanza,

I am sorry that the results didn't turn out better. I remember when we got the results. There was a part of both of us that wished and hoped that he wouldn't be the father and we could put this behind us.

God didn't reject you, sweetie. We live in a world touched by sin--our sin, the sins of those around us, and the sinful nature of human beings. We all suffer the consequences of sin--our own and the sin in the lives of those we share our lives with. What God didn't do was save you from the consequences of the sins of your husband. Actually, more likely he didn't save your H from the consequences of his own sin. God seldom does. If He took away the consequences, He would be taking away our free will. God can heal your broken heart if you continue to turn to him, to give him all your pain

I was having a very hard day just a couple of days ago. I was feeling sad and put-upon. I was also angry at the pain my H's affair had brought to my life. I felt alone and abandoned by God until I remembered the words of a song that we used to sing at church when I was a teenager:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You said you come to share all my sorrows
And you said you'd be there for all my tomorrows
I came so close to sending you away,
But just like you promised you came here to stay
I just had to pray

And Jesus said, "Come to the water, stand by my side
I know you are thirsty, you won't be denied.
I felt every tear-drop when in darkness
you cried
And I strove to remind you that for those tears I died."</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

The OW had a baby knowing that she was doing this with a married man, he is committed elsewhere.

You have to look out for the best interest of your own children, they come first and are your husband’s first responsibility.

This child already has a father figure. Let the fiancé adopt her. This will give the child a stable home where she is part of the whole. Adoption is a very good and viable option. I’d go for it if at all possible. (My now 14 year old son is adopted.. it was a wonderful choice for us.)

It’s really the best thing for all of you.

I’m not sure I’d tell your children. If the fiancé adopts her, then what is the point? Will it really add anything to their lives?

JMHO

ember, maryjanes and zorweb,

thank you so much for your posts. it really does help to know that someone else out there knows how you feel. one thing that makes it hard for me, is that i have told noone about the A much less the OC. I have noone to talk to but H.

H is very remorseful, thank goodness, and feels that God is punishing him for what he did and hates that I have to hurt for what he did.

maryjanes, thank you for reminding me that God did'nt reject me and is still there for me. I remember that song too! Thanks, I needed to read those words.

thanks again girls, you've really made me feel better

butterflybonanza <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />