I feel there is something wrong with me because I can't. I love kids and have had no problem bonding with them in the past. When I see OC I feel no love for him. I would never mistreat him but still its not fair to the OC.

I make H do 99.9% of the parenting. Overnights started recently per the court order and this is new to OC and he is having trouble adjusting. He keeps him up half the night. He asked if I would help him and I said no way I want my sleep. I know LB but I cannot help myself.

Anybody else gone through this? How I wished I did not agree to contact. My H left it up to me and I grew up w/o a father and did not want the same for OC. Now its to late to walk away. He bonded with OC and it would be cruel to demand NC. I'm sure he would do it if I gave him an ultamatium but I don't want to do that. The xOW is still very bitter. Going to court put a stop to most of her trouble making ways but she still likes to cause trouble and that adds a lot of stress to the marriage.

Sometimes I think it would be easier to walk away since we don't have kids. I sometimes think I was crazy to stay married to him but I do love him and he is so sorry for what he did. Ugggg <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> I wish I could feel something for the OC. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Sorry welcome to our board and this situation but welcome. I don't really have any advise, I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story and letting others like me who attempted and or thought contact know the pros and cons of it.

I too tried contact and actually insisted on it, I thought I couldn't respect a man that walked away form a child. exOW was angry and bitter although they had a purely sexual relationship per her she said she feel in love with him. She tried to make my life He-- because she felt like a woman scorned in our case after trying for almost a year my H had to end contact. It got to the point we were afraid she was going to lie and say we hurt OC she was super unstable to the point of calling the cops and making up lies almost every week.

I hope you get more responses from women who have contact good luck.


Unsure

I was BS and we now have C with OC, we have 40% timeshare.

Ok so you are not bonded w/ OC but it sounds like you are keeping yourself from having the opportunity to.

You are adult enough to want to let your H and OC have a relationship, kudos there, I know how hard that is.

So use that same gift you have of being mature and thoughtful enough to let that relationship grow between H and OC, to allow yourself to grow in a relationship w/ OC. So you don't LOVE OC, no one will ever love OC like his mother anyway so releave your self of that expectation.

You might not ever LOVE OC and that is ok too, but you might grow to love OC, it doesn't happen overnight.

You said H has now formed a "bond", well late nights will do that to you <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> If you allow yourself to "help out", even if just out of the love you have for your H, I think you will be able to see this little one for the unique individual he is, regardless of who his mother is.

We have ALOT of time w/ OC. We did not know her from birth, we only met OC about 20 months ago. But when we decided to choose C, we went about it FULL on, knowing we could not possibly form a relationship w/ OC without being involved as much as possible.

Neither H nor I "felt" anything for OC. That was hard for me @ first. But I realized it did not matter how I FELT but how I acted. I don't need to FEEl loving to ACT loving,we choose to do this all the time, with our spouses especially. There is no reason why you can't choose to act the same way w/ OC. It's mostly attitude.

Many new parents are amazed at how much of a magical "bond" is lacking when they first bring home thier new baby, but after spending every day and night with that new baby, they get to know, understand, and bond with their new child. It's the same thing.

I can't say I feel love for OC yet and i don't know if I ever will, but I do have a sincere affection for OC and care about what happens to her.

I think you care about OC too or else you would not have even thought about the possiblities of a relationship for your H w/ OC. You have a big heart.

It's ok to regret that decision, which I think you should talk to your H about, maybe he feels the same way. That's ok too.

H and I totally regret getting involved and I now advise any one considering it to NOT do it....but the decision has to be made together.

This will always be a disruption in your life but while OC is in your care, you are obligated to treat that OC the best you can. And if the best you can is to be the best "babysitter" you can, then do it. You don't have to FEEL loving to ACT loving.

If continuing C is what you both want to do then I think you can do it if you just remember that, about acting loving even if you don't feel loving. No one is perfect and you don't even have to be, you only need to be good enough.

PS: is your handle your name & initial? That's my name & initial 2! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

<small>[ February 03, 2004, 09:56 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

There is nothing wrong with you. You are going through one of the most difficult times you will ever face. The A was hard enough but to have OC is even harder because OC is a reminder of all the pain and heartache. In my case anyway.

I love H and we are happier than ever but when OC talks about the mother it makes me hurt inside all over again. It is not OC that hurts me it is the fact that she has a mom and it is not me. The fact that my H has to make parenting decisions with someone that should never have been apart of our life to begin with, and now until eternity she is in our life.

We met 15 yr OC last June, I care for her I worry about her, but I do not have a deep love for her even though I have a deep concern for her. Does this make since to you? I will tell you that the more time spent with OC you will become closer. I have a love for OC as if she were a distant family member or a friend of my own childs. Getting this far has taken time and I am sure time will help you as well.

It sounds as though OC in your case is pretty young. Children are very smart and he will pick up on your feelings so around him be very careful. I can tell it is not your intention to hurt him or you would not be so concerned about your lack of feelings for him.

Just take things slow and take care of yourself. If you are an emotional mess you will not be good for H, your marriage or OC. Do not keep your feelings in or it will eat you up. I know from expeience, I was afraid to let my true feelings out because I wanted to be the "perfect supportive" spouse. That is the good thing about this place, you are allowed the freedom to feel however you really feel. Not to mention you will get the support from others in situations much like your own.

In my world I felt like I was the only one that was going through this. I was very happy to find this websight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Relationships ebb and flow over time. Be it H and W, parents and children, friend to friend. Your relationship with this oc started out on an obvious down side and you appear to feel like this will never change. Please don't beat yourself up for the way you feel.

I agree with the above. You need to discuss this with your husband. First, because it is honest and your feelings and happiness effect the marriage. Second, because it is not fair to anyone in this situation, including oc.

Talk to your husband. Just because you made a decision to have contact, doesn't mean it is written in stone. You say you didn't want oc to grow up without a father. Do you want oc in your marriage? Are you putting your real feelings aside? There is no reason to be angry about this. Take the time and discuss this with your husband. He may be feeling overwhelmed right now and doesn't know how to get out of contact. He may feel trapped. He may love oc, and he could be angry at what he sees as your rejection of oc. This is an issue that needs to be addressed.

Either way, this is a HUGE HUGE pink elephant in your room. If you say nothing, you could become angry and bitter, then what good did contact do for your marriage. There is no harm in telling him the truth. This is your life, your marriage and your feelings do matter.

I understand that you didn't want oc to grow up without a father. But there is that saying "the road to hell is paved with good intentions"

Personally, I feel that contact is to much to ask of the BW, adds to much drama to your life and is just not worth it. You don't have children, yet you are expecting to care for this child that is the product of a great pain to you? This just seems wrong.

i know exactly what you are feeling but from the mans side of things.

when my w fullhouse (fh) had her oc and brought her home i was determined that it was her c and i wanted no part of it. this went on for a couple of weeks.

i watched our other kids loving the baby (this was a huge advantage that i had in getting thru this and coming to grips with everything like getting my priorities straight) but would not hold her or help out.

then one day fh was in the shower and grace started crying. all the kids were gone so i picked her up to comfort her and my heart just opened up.

you see i realized that grace had nothing to do with fh's A. she was merely the result of two unresponsible adults. so why would i place the blame or hold a grudge against her. that morning forced me to deal with the reality of WHO had actually hurt me. once i gained that understanding it was much easier to deal with the pain my W had caused.

your feelings are real and the pain from all this is real but how we deal with things is who we are.

if you love your h and are going to stay with your marriage and he is going to continue with visitations then you will have to come to terms with this and begin to interact with the baby.

you don't have to just jump in with both feet. make it a gradual thing. maybe just push him in the stroller around the block or brush his hair (if he has any. you know those boys are little bowling balls wen they are tiny). maybe change a wet diaper (leave the stinky ones to your h, he deserves them) and once he is changed look into that little guys eyes and see how much trust he has in you.

please understand that by no means do i think that this is a small issue and you need to just deal with it. what i am trying to say is what happened to me and i have seen where it has happened to others here in their posts is that when things like this come barging into our lives we feel that we have been so wronged that we actually try to stay angry. the pain from this is so enormous that we don't know what else to do. i know i was trying to stay mad at fh. i realized tha life was to short and i had to either move on or move on.

KatieM, I just want to say I can totally relate to how you are feeling I feel like i am torn right down the middle one half of me wants to hold him and play w/him and all the other stuff I would do w/any other child becauce I love babies but the other half of me says what are you crazy this child is the result of my H having an A how can I. I know it's not the childs fault but it's so hard to deal with. my h and I dont have children either and have been trying for a while so for me it's even harder when I see him being a daddy to another woman's child when I should be the mother of his child. I definetly feel like I am in the angry stage now and maybe a little selfish but all I can do is try and deal with things day by day because I know this wont go away even though I wish to God it would I tell myself either you learn to live w/it or leave. OC is 8mo old and H has had contact since birth and has also bonded and would never not have contact. sometimes I wish ow/oc would just move far far away so my life could be normal again.

Dear Katie,

I am sorry that you are in the position where you need this board. It is always hard to welcome new people to the board because the entrance price is so steep (affair and child).

I admire you for even attempting a relationship with OC. I am not saying you have to, but if you want to continue in relationship with this child, there are things that you can do. Look for books on bonding with adopted children. Sometimes for birth parents the bond isn't natural and easy and for adoptive parents it is often even more difficult.

We too had no children at D-day, but we were in the process of adopting three (later two) children from Russia. They had spent the summer with us as foster children and then returned to Russia. I don't know if I would have stayed in my marriage if we weren't in the middle of adopting and three little lives weren't hanging in the balance. As they were older children, their chances of getting adopted were very slim if we did not continue with the adoption. Also. Mr. J and I had been married 18 years at that point and had a long history of a good marriage. It wasn't perfect (obviously) but we truly enjoyed our time together. I always used to say that we enjoyed our time together more than any other couple I had ever known. We were always laughing, traveling, dating. Our biggest problem is that we didn't spend *enough* time together. We had lots of business travel and lots of separate interests.

We have had contact with OC. She lives 2,000 miles away and in the first year we made four trips out to see her. I learned to care for her very deeply. Now we have not seen her in almost two years. Our financial situation is vastly different and there just isn't money to travel like there used to be. And we were successful in adopting two of the three siblings that we were trying to adopt and life is busy, busy, busy with two school-aged boys at home. We also tried to keep a very quiet and stable life for them for the first year after the adoption.

I think that we are getting ready to take them out to meet Precious (OC) two months from now. Wish us luck. And good luck to you.

May I ask why you chose to stay with your H? The Harley recommend that if it is a relatively short marriage and there are no children, that the couple separate so that the BS can start fresh. I now I didn't chose to do that. I could find much good in our marriage, we had many years together, I was older and not going to be a big hit on the dating scene AND three little orphans in Russia were waiting for us to come get them. (The youngest child, a girl, was adopted by relatives in Russia and was not able to become part of our family.)

Blessings,
MJ

Hi Katie,

I am new to the board & just read your post, hope you are still reading. I too have an OC in my life, 16 months old now.

For me it was really strange & it still is, I don't see the OC on a regular basis because the OW is being difficult & my H has yet to take her to court to get legal visitation. So I see her maybe once a month if that. I first saw her in the hospital the day after she was born, I didn't hold her until she was over a month old. I held her & cried, cried because she doesn't deserve this, because she should be mine, & cried because I wish she wasn't here, crazy huh?

I too have no children with my H & never will. I know if I want to stay married to him that means accepting & loving this baby, that I can do, but I struggle with getting attached to her because my H & I are on very shaky ground still, & it makes it very easy to walk away since we have no children together, I can't though, not yet.

I last saw the baby 2 weeks ago, at that time I prayed for her as I do daily because everytime I see her I have to think it may be the last. In a lot of ways I resent the fact that I have a SD I didn't ask for, & on the other hand I know I could be a good SM to her, especially being that her mother is unfit to raise even a puppy.

You can only feel in your heart what God allows you to- if you let him. I know of women who have told me there is no way that baby would be in their house, I can't take out my frustration & bitterness on that child, if I feel that way I know that there would be no hope for my marrage. Don't try to rush feelings, this whole situation is so much to deal with & only those who have endured it can really comprehend. Prayer does work & so does God - in his own time, not ours.

If you read this I hope it helps, I don't enjoy reading these storeies but it helps to know other women are dealing with the same issues I am and don't think I am crazy for standing for the healing & restoration of my marriage.

God Bless,
BG

I totally understand, and at times that is all you need to hear. I am currently in a similar situation. And all I can say is that I understand.