I am currently married to a man who has 2 children-one who was conceived out of an affair that happened before we were married, but we were engaged. I have come to terms that he is their father, but I don't want any relationship with the children. I encourage him to spend time with them, but just ask that he does not get me involved-thus having them not spend the night. Well, my spouse has a problem with that and we constantly argue over that. I can't help it, but I'm human and everytime I see this child it just reminds me on his infidelty and makes me sad, anger, and embrassed. I would never hurt the children in any way, but to me he puts them first, and he wants to share his time. Which I understand, but he wants all his time with me to include his children. he never wants it to be just him and I , but rather us and the children. Are there any suggestions on what I can do to salvage a relationship with my husband that will not scarfice my happiness?

This is the post that I have posted on several forums , just seeking advice. Some of the comments have been helpful others hurtful but I understand their point of views. The reason I am so stubborn on this issue, is because before we got married my husband never bought his son around me, he says it was because he talked too much-thus he was probably tryng to hide something. None the less, I had no involvelment at all with his son for 6 years. This is how long we have dated. He never bought it up, so neither did I. It was like he was fine with our lives being separate which was fine with me-because I did not have the notion to be someone's mom. I was happy with the situation. A year before we were to get married he then told me of a second child - a girl that was a product of an affair. She is now 3 years old. We had our battle over this one, and I made it clear then before we got married, that I didn't think I could be the person he wanted. That no matter how hard I tried- this child could not be a part of my life. I felt that by allowing my husband to have his way would not only satisfy him but reward a woman as well who knew that this man was in a relationship, and when he was told about her being pregnant he gave her money for an abortion. She took the money, but did not have one. So she was well aware that he did not want a child with her. I understand that the child should not suffer- and many have said that it is not her fault. Which is true, but should I not have a say as well. It was not my fault that when her dad and I had that conversation he was upset, but he understood and said okay with it. That is the only reason I married him despite of. If he would have expressed the notion of us being a blended family with me- I probably would not have married him. Not to say I don't love him, and I know I would be the bigger person if I accepted her and loved her, and etc, but something is holding me back. It possible could be me wanting to hurt the both of them they way they hurt me. To not take their feeings into consideration, the way they disregared mine. But then I realized-she is not at fault, so I have encouraged him or told him to spend time with her as long as the mother isn't involved. I don't have a problem with that, but he has this idea in his head,we should all spend time together. He just doesn't seem to understand that his children are not my number 1 concern, their his and their mothers. And maybe I would feel differently, if I could understand why is it important for a child to spend the night. What can't be accomplished in the day? If the shoe were on the other foot, I would not occupy my time trying to convince my spouse to have the children stay over, I would spend time with them during the day and then go home at night. To me that seems to a logically solution to this problem, but my husband doesn't think so.

So any advice would be great. Maybe it is something I am missing.

I understand your POV completely and you have a right to your feelings, which are valid.

But to shed some light on your H POV. What if you only spent time w/ your H during the day and never @ night, spending the night. What kind of relationship would you have? A dating one maybe but certainly not a completely married one.

Intact families LIVE together and your H is probably trying to recreate that for his children as best as he can even though his family with them is not intact. They are forever "just visiting" and that can create lots of negative feelings both in them and on him. It sounds like he is really trying here, albeit, even if it is at your expense.

I can completely understand your POV about this OC being a reminder of the pain of his betrayal. Was his first child from a previous marriage?

It sounds like your needs are not being met. What aobut some alone time when the kids are w/ thier mother? Then he can spend his time w/ his kids during their scheduled visits. How much time does he have with them?

I know how hard it is to try and schedule time alone with your spouse and then try to juggle children's schedules on top of it. Read around here on this site and maybe your H can too. They have a really good emotional needs questionnaire. Maybe you can both read and answer it. It helps make your needs known to each other in a non-threatening way.

Has he had C with both his children from the beginning, their births?

We're here for you. Take care.

So basically, you two had come to an agreement. He could have contact with his children, but you chose none. You married each other knowing the status quo. Now he is trying to change the rules and force oc's on you? You really should call the Harleys and have a joint session.

I can totally and 100% relate to your feelings. And you have a right to those feelings. There is no right or wrong when it comes to contact with oc. You were honest and upfront, stating what you would not take. You are a just as innocent as oc. Your feelings count and do matter. Having contact with oc is not "right" just as not having contact is not "wrong". What is right was your being honest. What is wrong is him wanting to play happy family after he married you. I would be pissed off to no end if this were me. How dare he think you would want to play happy family with these oc. How cruel and selfish of him. OC ARE NOT THE ONLY ONES WITH FEELINGS. The sooner he learns that the better.

I'm sorry I overlooked the part where you had made your feelings and position clear before you got married.

So your H is trying to change the rules halfway through the game hanh? That's wierd. I guess he thought he would agree to what you wanted and try to change your mind later.

It was sincerely thoughtful of you to even be open enough to encourage a relationship w/ OC. That says a lot right there. You didn't bring these children into this world, it was not your choice so why should you have to be responsible?

Your H is a single dad, that is what he chose and he can't realistically expect you to join him on this venture. If you wanted to, it would be different.

We do have C w/ OC which H and I regret but feel we are in too far to stop now. So I know too well all the complex feelings that are involved in that. Because OC is female I take on more responsibility but I just couldn't allow H to have a relationship w/ OC that excluded me and the rest of our children, that's what OW wanted. I'm too insecure for that.

That is exactly what happened, he felt as though I would change my mind. His son is not from a previous marriage. And his son visiting doesn't bother me, however his son's mother also has another child who is not my husbands who for some reason my husband feels the need to bring her along when he comes and visit. That I have a problem with. That only happened once, but you can bet believe I came him the 3rd degree on that. The child is sweet as she can be, and I have often suggested that she come with us, when we are just around in toen, but her spending the night was a proble beacause she is not his responsible. That is when the whole incident about his daughter and son visiting. At that moment I was going to leave, but then after reading post from several forums, I decided that my husband can't control me. If he wants to have contact with his children and have them spend the night, he can't not control how I behave or whether I'm there or not. In the beginning I tried makign it a comfortable situation, but he always chose to do stuff with the children's mother-like b-day parties. When the 2nd child turned 1, I almost begged him to have a private gatherign with just he, the child, and I but he would not hear of that. For some reason he wanted to make her mother happy and have a party with her, the worst part he had the nerve to tell me that I could not come. So know the shoe is on the other foot and I have the nerve to tell him, I don't wnt your children around me. To punish him, possible, but to make him realize don't play games with me. If I was not good enough then I am surely not good enough know to spend time with them.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> WHAT THE HECK!!!! Birthday parties WITH the OW? Are these people crazy? Oh that's TOO much. No way! That is so NOT normal.

These "cheaters" disrupt OUR lives, break THIER vows and then try and make everyone else accomodate them and act like it's all normal! No we have to start pointing out how ABnormal this is and what a crazy situation it is and say it for what it is instead of trying to surgar-coat it.

No wonder you're po'd! Then what priviledges as the wife do you get if he's hanging out w/ OW? Oh no---. What kind of message does this send to the kids. It's ok if you have sex w/ somone outside your marriage because you can still hang out with them and act like your a family!!! SORRY but NO!

That is a priviledge of a married intact family. Just another consequence. Children with 2 homes have 2 separate lives, including 2 separate birthday parties, that is just a cold hard fact. No pretending here--no way!!!

That irks me to no end. I can't believe that. really, I just can't! I'm sorry.

And that "other" child, he has no responsibility to that one so he should stay out of it. Where we live, at least, if a man starts to "assume" fatherly responsibilities or takes on the fatherly role, even if not the bio dad, he can become legally financially responsible. SO if you start to "act" like the dad you will start paying CS like the dad!

Stop the madness!

That was my exact feelings on the b-day party. I told him that was a perk for a child whose parents weren't together, they have 2 of everything in a sense. He explains that because we were not married, I was not invited, but I did not care we were engaged. And the point of the situation, I would probably would not have went anyway, it was the fact he did not even ask, he just told. And what even bothers me more, is that when her mom doesn't invite him to functions other people ( like her babysitter does). I tired explaining to him, that if the child mom does not invite you there is a reason and you should respect that and let things be, but oh no. For example, last easter, she was in a play of some sort, the mom did not invite him, someother woman did and he felt compelled to go. I later came to find out that he even paid for the dress she wore-which he failed to mention at the time. So you see , I am dealing with a man who want his cake and eat it to. He doesn't want to comprise with me, but expects me to do all the comprising. He wants me to be bigger than the both of them, but they did not think of me when they did what they did. And what made matters even worse for me-was the fact that she OW had the nerve to wave at me when we picked up the daughter for her last b-day. The devil was busy that day, it took everything out me not to get out and tell her a piece of my mind. It is one thing to do wrong, it is another not to have any shame for it.

Hello,

Not that I am happy but it makes me feel a bit better to know someone else has an H that can be inconsiderate & think "why are you pissed?" My H attended his OC's 1st b'day party, she had 2, one at chuckie cheese, the other at home, my H was over there hanging decorations, told me I was invited after it was over!

Christmas day he went to OW's house early in the morning to see OC open her gifts, I told him to get out, he didn't, I told him this year if he even thinks of pulling either of those stunts again, I will pack his stuff & change the locks!

OW eats all this up of course, he is in the thickest of the fog, I sometimes question my sanity that I am still enduring this, - but GOD!

H's have to come our of the fog eventually right?

Keep praying sister!

God Bless
BG