H is still living in apartment and contacting OW "about the baby". He tells me some of the things that they talk about and the more I hear the more I am convinced that she is just using OC to cling to H. I just want to slap H up side the head and tell him to wake up. He is jeoparizing our family for this woman.

Please tell me if I am reading to much into this or is OW using OC. These are some of the red flags I have seen: 1. She conveniently tells H she is pregnant when he is ready to move out of her house back home, 2. She has said that she is afraid to raise baby alone (I didn't exactly plan on being a single mom}- I think she is using guilt to get to H, 3. she has told H that baby will have her last name if he is not around (not a bad idea}, 4. she is already picking names out without H - he feels left out, etc. She is making herself out to be some sort of victim. WRONG - the only truly innocent victims are my children and OC. We adults have screwed things up and children are going to pay the price.

H is getting caught up in pregnacy. I think he feels obligated and he wants to be involved like with our kids. I just feel that every time it looks like H might be deciding to stay married, OW says or does something that makes H feel that she will deny him parenting rights to OC. Maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Should I bring this to H attention? I don't want to push him away by "attacking" OW's character. I also don't want to sit quietly by and let OW take control. I can just see H making the decision to be with her for sake of OC. He seems to forget that he has 2 BC at home who love him and miss him, and a W who is willing to work on fixing our marriage. To me there is no choice. His first priority should be his marriage and BC. But obviously H is not thinking clearly. I don't understand how he can hurt BC for OC. Any advice?

Have you filed a legal separation yet for CS?

I don't know how well "reasoning" will work w/ someone in the "fog". I'm sorry.

If H is so concerned or even feeling "guilty" about OC then he also needs to see an attorney and set himself up legally too. Right now he has no rights to the child, born or not, and he never will if he does not set something up legally.

Actually, until OC is born he can never say for sure if OC really is his or not. They all like to believe that they are sure it's theirs but come on......

There is no need for C w/ OW. If she didn't plan on being a single mom then ???? who's fault is that? AGAIN-----could have waited to have sex until she had her OWN H!!! AND she does NOT have to be a single mom she can give OC up for adoption.

And what, like YOU planned on being a single mom? whatever. OW are so stupid sometimes and it seems like the SQUEAKY wheel is the one that gets the oil!!! You can use the same arguments as OW, about the single mom thing and the children but???? will H even be listening?

So where does that leave you? At least getting yourself protected legally & financially I hope.

Kris,

I am so sorry things are not going better for you & it sounds like H is in "deep fog". Listen to KT's advice about what you need to do legally to protect yourself & children.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Please tell me if I am reading to much into this or is OW using OC. These are some of the red flags I have seen: 1. She conveniently tells H she is pregnant when he is ready to move out of her house back home, 2. She has said that she is afraid to raise baby alone (I didn't exactly plan on being a single mom}- I think she is using guilt to get to H, 3. she has told H that baby will have her last name if he is not around (not a bad idea}, 4. she is already picking names out without H - he feels left out, etc. She is making herself out to be some sort of victim. WRONG - the only truly innocent victims are my children and OC. We adults have screwed things up and children are going to pay the price. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I don't think you are reading too much in this at all, as ugly as this all is you have to accept the fact that OW WANTED to be pg. w/ your H's child, I doubt very seriously it was an accident! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> OW did this cuz she wants your H!!!! She thinks OC will guarantee him choosing her over you & your M. Now she will play the "oh woe is me saga, I am so alone, I need you to help me, be with me, stand by me, it makes me wanna throw up! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> She will lay the mother of all guilt trips on him trying to get him back in her house. Is this her 1st child?

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">H is getting caught up in pregnacy. I think he feels obligated and he wants to be involved like with our kids. I just feel that every time it looks like H might be deciding to stay married, OW says or does something that makes H feel that she will deny him parenting rights to OC. Maybe I am wrong. What do you think? Should I bring this to H attention? I don't want to push him away by "attacking" OW's character. I also don't want to sit quietly by and let OW take control. I can just see H making the decision to be with her for sake of OC. He seems to forget that he has 2 BC at home who love him and miss him, and a W who is willing to work on fixing our marriage. To me there is no choice. His first priority should be his marriage and BC. But obviously H is not thinking clearly. I don't understand how he can hurt BC for OC. Any advice?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">In my experience trashing OW will not win you any brownie points w/ H right now, so don't, follow Plan A, I would have if I had known about it, or at least tried to. It will be extremely hard, I am trying to do it now almost 2 years after the fact & it ain't easy. I pray that H will soon see OW for what she is & what she is trying to accomplish, I also pray that OC is NOT his, wouldn't that be a huge blessing!

Right now though, H is confused, ashamed, guilty, & trying to do the right thing by OW & you, & his fog won't let him see that you & family should come first. Be prepared, I hate to say this, but it is only the beginning of the OW's whinning & need to be put first.

You can get thru this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Thanks kt and BG93 for the replies.

BG93 - Yes, this is OW first child. As a matter of fact, at one point in this soap opera, before she found out she was pregnant and H was thinking about coming home she said "I'm 30 years old and want a family. I will not wait forever." But H said she never gave him any ultimatums. My opinion is that H was giving her attention and she latched on. She is doing whatever it takes to keep him - baby!!

Why is it so hard for H to see her for who she is? So, you think I should continue to plan A and hope for the best. I really just want to sit H down and tell him the signs I see - that he is being used and manipulated by OW. I don't necessarily want to trash her, but H will probably see it that way. It just drives me crazy. Despite everything that has happened, I love my H and I am really afraid that he is going to be hurt big time by OW.

As far as hoping that OC is not his, I really think that could be true also. This I have told my H and he says OW wouldn't sleep with anyone else. However, this is how I see it. H and OW were involved 4 years ago. They stopped PA to do the "right thing" and H returned home. Four years later, H runs into OW with another man, who is a mutual friend. This friend has a reputation of sleeping around with any woman possible. Why do you think OW was with him??? I guess my point is that she obviously sleeps around. Why does H think she would not be sleeping with someone other than him? It could be wishful thinking, but I am hoping that OC is not his.

Thanks again for replies.

Keeping praying,
Kris

Kris,

Have you talked to H about legal matters yet & DNA or is he too deep in the fog to discuss anything like that? Sounds like OW would trip at the mention of DNA. What nerve to say she didn't want to wait forever to have a baby, I agree she wants more than a baby, she wants a H too, guess it was too much like right to find one who didn't already have a W!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Why is it so hard for H to see her for who she is? So, </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I just said that same thing to my girlfriend ealier tonite, "I wonder if I will be around when my H finally sees OW for who she really is?"

It is as if right now she can do no wrong because she gave him a baby, in his fog I am sure he thinks she is the only one that truly understands him, doesn't argue or make demands- not yet anyway & that is because she is getting her way, when that stops he will see the true wanna be homewrecking w*&#e that she really is or when she finally sees that this is all she is gonna get, H is not leaving me for her, not gonna play daddy 24/7, she is gonna flip on him & he will have no understanding cuz she is gonna get real ugly & that will be directed totally at him.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">you think I should continue to plan A and hope for the best. I really just want to sit H down and tell him the signs I see - that he is being used and manipulated by OW. I don't necessarily want to trash her, but H will probably see it that way. It just drives me crazy. Despite everything that has happened, I love my H and I am really afraid that he is going to be hurt big time by OW. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes I do think you should keep up w/ plan A, you haven't really given it a lot of time. Trashing OW will only push him into her arms, you don't want to do that. When H comes to his senses & comes home to you OW will most likely do everything in her power to hurt him & try to further destroy your marriage by using OC, remember she doesn't want to be a single parent! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I know how hard it is but don't give him a reason to find her more attractive than you, that means sucking it up, lash out here but not at him or about her, that is not gonna help him see you in a good lite through the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Keep your head up!

Get things taken care of legally first and foremost.

Don't even mention ow name or her pregnancy. Let him know that YOU have a child, etc. too. That gives her credibility.

Oh, and the " ow wouldn't sleep with anyone else.." had me laughing my butt off. Do you realize how many times they do? How many times they swear it is MM baby, and the DNA says otherwise?

You are given good advice here.

BG93 - I have talked to H about DNA, etc. He insists that this is his baby. OW would never have slept with someone else. I just replied that I thought my H would never sleep with anyone else either. I would say he is still deep in fog. I have mentioned possibility that OC is not his a couple of times since, but he just rolls his eyes like I am crazy or something.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">When H comes to his senses & comes home...
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish I had confidence that H will make the choice to come home. I hope and I pray, but I just don't know. It's kinda of funny. He has A and I am the one trying everything in my power to save marriage. What's wrong with that?

Thanks for all the advice. You all are great. I will continue on with Plan A, even though I find it really difficult when he is not home. He watches kids until I get home and leaves a few minutes later. All I get is chit chat about work and kids. OW gets phone calls "about the baby". I hope he sees the light through the fog soon.

God Bless,
Kris

Kris

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He has A and I am the one trying everything in my power to save marriage. What's wrong with that? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I know exactly how you feel, we the BS did not have an A, but who is doing all the sucking up & being patient????? US! It is not fair, but it is either Plan A or let it go at this point, I am not ready to do that & I don't think you are either. My H told me the same crap that he knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that OC was his, it made me so made. He never had DNA done, OC looks just like him, no denying that unfortunately. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> How can they be so trusting of OW I will never know, it boggles the brain.

God will give you strength to get thru this time, I often look back on the last 20 months of my life & wonder why I am still here, nothing but the grace of God, without the Lord in my life I could have been in a padded room, jail cell or coffin, but I chose life with or without H, not the one I planned of course, but God has a plan for us, I don't believe there is not a reason behind what we are going thru & God will work this out for your good Kris & mine too!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">God will give you strength to get thru this time, I often look back on the last 20 months of my life & wonder why I am still here, nothing but the grace of God, without the Lord in my life I could have been in a padded room, jail cell or coffin, but I chose life with or without H, not the one I planned of course, but God has a plan for us, I don't believe there is not a reason behind what we are going thru & God will work this out for your good Kris & mine too!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are exactly right! God and only God will get us through this. I went through about a 3 week period where I was so angry and full of hate. It was destroying me. It was then that I decided that I had no control over this situation and I let God take control. I will admit that I have lots of times when I get down, but I try to focus on faith, trust and patience in God. I just wish I could have one day when I don't constantly think about all this. I try to focus on me and BC, but it is so hard not to let this all consume my life 24/7. One day at a time.

Thanks for your replies.

God Bless,
Kris