Just checking in to let you all know that I am ok. I must admit, yesterday was really good. I think it was the extra meds. However, I am only supposed to take them if I have an anxiety attack. However, today I feel very heavy in the chest. It almost takes my breath away. ALMOST.

KT, I have to admit stupid. Could you please tell me what STOW stands for. I know what OW is but I can figure out the ST <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

The baby now has the same last name and me and our kids. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I guess I could look at it in a differnt light. The child has the same last name as me and not it's mother. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Stupid other women.

Yesterday I said that I was not going to Plan B. Today I feel like I might. My C said to ask him to do MC and if says yes, great. If he says no, maybe, or anything besides yes, then I tell him I will be moving out on X day. I am starting to warm up to that idea. LynnG, you may need to kick my butt.

Lynn G. I am putting into place the things you said. The good part is that there is not much to do because the last time he left I took care of that and never reversed it back. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I only have a few minor things to take care of.

A small pat on the back for my H. OW asked him to stay with her, her first night alone with the baby. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> My H said that he could not do that. At least he has a little common sense. But can you believe her! He also said that there was a bed at the hospital for the father to spend the night and he never thought of doing that. Ain't that special.

The other thing totally unrealated to this matter that I have on my plate and that will hinder me for awhile. Someone stole my identy and used it to obtain services for which they have failed to pay. I am in the midst of trying to correct my credit history. Not a good thing when you are looking for an apt. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Entwife - I think God has me mistaken for someone else too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Wish he would let up just a bit.

LUV Sounds like you are doing better and I am so glad. Keep your witts about you and make H show he is for your M. He shouldn't have been there to support her behind your back. Have you asked him about the MC? What did he say? I hope the best for you and for your kids. This situation is so hard for anyone to go thourgh. How would he like it if you where preg, having another mans child and wanted that man to be in the delv room instead of him? I'll tell you what most men would NOT go for it!!! Most men would want you to have the child and not tell a sole it wasn't his!!! And we are just surpose to walk around w the OC and it be fine that your only the step mom ! SSSSHhh, some folks are so out of it. Oh my FIL told H if the roles where reversed I would want him to be at the hospital ( If I was the OW) I told FIL first off I would never sleep w/ a M Man and 2nd never get preg w/ someone who told me I love my wife and family and I'm going home !! No I don't feel sorry for her, H said he did not agree w/ what she did and did not support her in her dicision to have this child. So no I will not except the fact if he wanted to go to the hospital, that to me would be his choice and I could make mine, based on what he chooses.
So you now must make your choices for you and your kids. Good Luck !!!!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Luv,

So glad to hear from you, we are all so concerned for you. Sounds like you are doing pretty well considering the circumstances, & at least your H had a little common sense left to know he better not have stayed w/ OW all nite.

If he won't go to counseling your best bet is to Plan b & let him see that you aren't going to play by his rules during all of this, it pisses me off too tht he would total disregard your wishes & be at delivery w/ her. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> My H can always hid behind the fact that I threw him out, so where else did I expect him to be, it was & always will be a piss poor excuse for hurting me even more. You can take a small comfort in having us to vent to & share with, I wish I had of been able to, I handled it all by myself & it was so horrible.

Keep standing tall & do what you have to for you & your kids.

LMF~

So glad to hear from you-hang in there. I like what your C said but remember you will do it when you are ready--whatever you decide to do. I say a prayer for you every night. Be their for you kids.

Hey everyone, My day has slowly gone down hill. I could not reach H for awhile. He finally answered and said he was in a meeting. I did not buy it. I did a little drive by her apt. and there they were, getting out of his car. I freaked. I called and beeped until he picked up. Must have been 3 min straight or longer. I asked where his meetings were at and he gave me an answer then I asked if there was another one that he forgot about. He said no, why? I told him because I saw you, yada, yada, yada. He played dumb, said I was lying then finally admitted it.

I told him we can't go on like this. I can't take it. You needed and should have called me. I told him earlier that I was feeling heavy in my chest. I said you should have know that I was in a bad state and needed HONESTY! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> He apologized, said he was just worried and did not think. I said you need to think. If you do, these things don't get out of hand.

Turns out the baby is jaundice. They had to run her to the dr. She had no one else to take her. They did test and her levels are high so she needs to go back in tomorrow. I guess she is freaking out now so my H is going over to help out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I am really torn. I hate the fact that he is going there. She made this decision, she should have to deal with it. On the other hand, I can understand his concern for his D.

Oh well. The day is almost over. Looking forward to seeing my kids and bedtime. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

LMF,

I am so sorry for your pain. I would have probably lost my mind and attacked the two of them! I am proud of the way you are handling things. I know that I could not do it. It would be over for me, and if I am put in that sitution of H wanting to be there I probably will let it all go!!

You are a strong woman and I look up to your strength. Keep it up!!!

JT

LMF,
I agree with the last post. I don't think I could have been as cool as you were. I probably would have done something incredibly stupid. Don't feel bad about the meds. I am on about five.
Take care of yourself!

GET THE CHEST PRESSURE LOOKED AT NOW. It could be anxiety, but make damm sure.


Ohhhhh pppuuuullllleeeeeeaaassseee

Jaundice is no big deal. Good grief, that woman is such loser. She wanted this oc so bad and now she is incapable of taking care of it? What a pathetic exucse, but hardly surprising when one considers the source. What, the ow has no car? Does she live in a box down by the river? What a loser.

I am glad you have things separate. If you want me to kick your butt, let me know!!! If you want me to kick his, let me know!

He is really walking on you. He lied again to be with her? Sorry, if that oc was sick, not your problem and he has a choice to make. Lying to you to go visit her is unacceptable PERIOD. I wish I knew you, I would go and co-sign for you to get an apartment/condo whatever and I would personally come and help you move.

However, it is funny that he didn't stay with her. Nurses talk and trust me, the ow was shredded with nasty comments and people were thinking awful things about her. She may have thought one thing, but I can guarantee you they were telling other nurses about her and people were snickering at her. I know many nurses and they do talk, and they can be vicious about the sleezy patients, and your ow would have been considered a sleezy patient.

Also, the clothes he wore at the hospital? Burn them. Throw them away. Destroy anything that had to do with the oc being born. Ruin the memory for him.

But read the Plan B and do it. You deserve better.

The jaundice makes me laugh. Good grief, my daughter fell skiing and broke her leg. I was able to get her to the hospital and have her taken care of all by myself, it is called being a mother. I phoned my husband when I arrived at the hospital, but I could certainly take care of things on my own. What does this idiot think the wives of the soldiers do when their kids get sick?

You take care of you, and your kids. If he starts talking about the oc, walk away. Only speak when it about YOUR children. Unless he is willing to awknowledge what he is doing to you, and end this behavior, you need to save your energy. Why waste a perfectly good moment on that? Walk away and go for a walk to rid the anxiety.

You stay in touch.

Going to sign my lease today. I guess I should be happy but I am still very upset that I even have to do this. I am upset becuase I really thought my H would stand by me way more than he has.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Jaundice is no big deal </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My understanding is that her levels are high, 17.5%. The danger zone is 20% and up. I realize it's not that big deal and that as long as they caught it now they can bring it down.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What, the ow has no car? Does she live in a box down by the river? What a loser. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No, she owns a car but is not supposed to drive for two weeks. None of her family have been there to help and neither have her friends, so of course H feels he has to take her because it's his D too. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I said call a Taxi.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> wish I knew you, I would go and co-sign for you to get an apartment/condo whatever and I would personally come and help you move. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish you knew me too. I should not have a problem with the lease, so I am not really worried about that. I am worried about keeping it together until I can move and not backing down. I am debating on telling him today or waiting till Monday night so I can have somewhat of a decent weekend. I need to relax so badly. I was thinking a pedicure is in order. Need a haircut too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Nurses talk and trust me, the ow was shredded with nasty comments and people were thinking awful things about her </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">So very interesting that you said this. I was thinking the same thing. My Aunt was a nurse and I know how she acted. My mom worked at the hospital and she told me how they acted. Also, my H was complaining that they did not show her how to do anything. I started to think it was because they figured she was sleezy and just did not really care to expend the energy on her.

I told him that I think he spends more time holding her than he did our kids. Especially our son. Soon after he was born the A started. I remember our S getting his hand caught in the vacume rollers. My mom called me as she was watching him. She was hysterical but he had calmed down. Anyway, I came home from work and took him to the Dr's. and for x-rays, got the meds, and soothed him...ALL ON MY OWN! Our son had 2nd degree burns and some of the flesh was missing. He is perfectly fine now, just a little scar. However, he was not there for us at that time. Oh, that's right he was probably F-- her at the time! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I have been discussing the baby with him. Giving him pointers and reminding him of things we had to do. I guess I am trying to show him that I can act like a grown up, won't lower myself to her level and that I can support him as the father but nothing else. I am probably making a big mistake by doing this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

I am not feeling very productive at work today. Looks like it's going to be a long 8 hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Oh LUV Please girlfriend!!!! You are accepting this behavior so he sees nothing wrong w/ it!!! No no no no no no!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> Sorry, he didn't do it for your kids!!! I will not accept my H doing crap for this child that he didn't do for ours!!! Sorry, , I'm so p-oed for you. You are numb and I understand that, but hes stepping on you, disrespecting you and his children!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> This is not right at all. OK look her family is not supporting her, her friends are not, Bull [censored]!!!!!! Ok if they don't think she is right and made a wise choice to sleep w/ a MM. Well don't you be supportive to a woman and your H that are bent on making you crazy and distroying your marriage and life you have built. Sorry don't feel sorry. And as far as the baby, all you have to do is take them out in the sun for awhile. My D had it and she had to be put under the lamps, but my doctor said if I was going home then just have her out in the sun for small periods at a time. Plus you don't even know if hes telling the truth about that. He's still not being honest w/ you. He has that ask forgivness instead of permission. I'm so glad you are getting the apartment. Hows your sep. paper work going? ANd I'm w/ lynn kick his butt!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Sorry if I sound angry today, but its just not right to see a good person be done this way. People treat us as bad as we let them. I've had to learn that the hard way too. I know your hurting soo bad and (((((((HUGS)))))))) Here is a hug from someone who cares! Be strong, keep up the meds, eat and hug YOUR babies!!!! Just a side note, I would go ahead and tell him about moving out. Wake his butt up and bring him back to earth, and choke on his cake he is eating. Its not far to either one of you, (OW) Hes telling her crap too!!! Expain that you feel he needs to make his choice and you are tired of being dumbed on. I guess it is PM'SN today. Sorry.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Well, Well, Well,

I don't think I can express my feelings any more clearly than I already have. If I were there with you LUV I would Kick her tail myself. I would probably have a piece of your H too!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

I told you that I could and definately would not take such a thing! I agree with the others that he is now going beyond the call of duty. Does he even remember that he is a married man - I think not!

I am afraid that he may not get it! My question to you is how long would you accept this type of desrespect from him. I am not trying to hurt your feelings I just want you to wake up and smell the coffee!! Some of this is being done because he wants to be there. He wants to be there badly enough to keep lying to you!!

If H really wanted to be with his wife and kids I believe he would and he should make da** sure that you are held at the highest esteem at this time!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

PLease you need to focus on yourself and your kids at this point - no one else is going to obviously (not him). They must be the most important - if he continues to bond with her and OC how long will it be before he does stay over with thim, or come home like a doting father talking about what new thing she did today.

Can you honestly say you want to live that way? I know that I don't and I could not do it, not for my H or anyone else. Because my kids, my happiness and sanity must come first if he acted in this way.

Please remember that we are here for you and I am sorry if I sound harsh, but your H has just P****d me off *&&$%@#@%!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />


JT

<small>[ May 28, 2004, 11:17 AM: Message edited by: JT2 ]</small>

Sunny is right, by talking/helping him with the oc, you are giving signals that you are ok with all of this. STOP IT. This is not some 3rd world country in the 1800s. I am assuming that this child is born in the USA and trust me, jaundice is not a big deal in this country today. That is if this is even the truth. You need to draw a line in the sand and tell him no more. You have needs and wishes that are being totally disregarded. But, if you keep allowing him to come home and talk about the oc, and then give advice, you are telling him you are ok with all of this. STOP IT.

Instead, tell him that you are moving out, done deal, over. That his behavior is cruel and inhuman to you and your children and then leave. The oc is not your problem,and is certainly not the problem of your children. You all deserve better. He is out of his mind to come and complain to you that the nurses didn't teach her anything. Truth is, Sunny is right, the saw her as a sleaze and treated her accordingly. She is reaping what she sowed.

As for you. Tell him you are leaving and tell him why. Do not comfort him about the oc. Do not give advice about the oc. Comfort your children who are being robbed, and give advice as to how to be a father to the children that matter to you, YOURS. Let him know that being at the birth, against your wishes, alone was wrong. Let him know that lying to drive the ow around is unacceptable. TELL HIM WHAT YOU TELL US. Then walk out with your head held high.

He acts as if he choosing to not stay overnight with her in the hospital is such a big deal. But overall, he was there with her and doesn't see that as a problem? "They" were making decisions that affected you and with no thought as to how this would make you feel. So don't you worry one bit about ow/oc. You do not need to care.

Honey, you need to toughen up. You need to look him in the eye and say "enough" You can do it.

I know you want a calm weekend. how? If your husband feels free to talk about oc and complain about the nurses on the ow/oc behalf, where is the respect for you? If he even mentions the oc totally ignore the comment and walk away. How dare he expect you to support ow/oc while he knowingly walks on you. Show him some backbone and see how quickly he wakes up. As for the choice, sorry, it is not his to make anymore. YOU choose your life and how people will be allowed to treat you. Him expecting you to support ow/oc is absurd.

STAND UP. If you want peace this weekend tell him that. Tell him that you do not want him phoning, seeing, speaking at all to ow or about oc for 3 days. That this is a long weekend and you want to enjoy it. Tell him that you will not tolerate any discussion of oc. BE TOUGH. This is your life, and you need to live it they way you choose to.

THIS is another glaring reason why I think that contact does not work. It tells the WS that all is ok etc. I will forever and always believe that once ow is pregnant and the married couple wants to stay married no contact with ow and oc is necessary. Had this route been taken these problems would be avoided. OR he would have known, clearly and 100% that going to the hospital was wrong. He would have known that his wife and children were going to leave and he would have had to make choices earlier. By letting this hang in the air, it has muted everything. You telling him that you would be willing to have contact is one thing. Sharing your husband was not in the plan was it? So he took your acceptance and ran with it. Afterall, the line in the sand was not clearly defined. He is still walking on you. YOU CAN DO THIS. You are superior to her in everyway.

As for the nurses. I think that is so funny. I bet they were disgusted with her. Example;

"the blond in room 202 needs her meds" Or the "the one with the hairy leggs" If a woman is on medical assistance they say "leech in room 206" OW was probably something like "s/ut in room 666" They have nicknames for everyone.

But, you go and enjoy the weekend and don't waste your breathe or time on the oc. Enjoy the break.

LynnG,

I could not have said it better and I agfree with you 100% NC is important.

I dont plan to live with H with any type of C. In order to remain married to me H must do NC. H has agreed with that and I don't know if we will even make it to that point, but I agree with you.

lynnG you are great!!!

JT

Ladies, thank you so much. I will be strong and I will do what I need to do for myself.

Maybe I ask about the baby because I am just nosey. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> Who knows. He just called and I did it again. I have no idea why.

This just s**** but I know you are all correct. I was reading stuff on the Dr. Phil site. I wish that man could have worked with us. Then again, even Christ himself would not be able to get through to my stubborn man.

He is going to have a cow when I tell him I am moving. Only HUGE problem, the apt is not available to July 14th.

Luv,

I agree with all the comments posted above, ENOUGH is ENOUGH!

You are better than this, I know it is tough but how much of this can you take????? If you allow this to go on, it wil only get worse.

PLAN B his butt NOW!

I just told him I was leaving. I did it like my C told me to and he himed and hawed on the MC. I said find, I can't take it any longer and I am leaving on July 14th. He asked if I had this already set and I said yes. He asked where and I told him. He did not say much other than "I really thought that after Tue and Wed we would make it. I thought we would just struggle for a few weeks till things calmed down and then we could get a plan together." I told him. You thought it would work because I was agreeing to everything you said. I was just giving and you were taking.

However, I feel so sad. I just want to cry my eyes out.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I thought we would just struggle for a few weeks till things calmed down and then we could get a plan together." </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Why should you have to wait?????? He had no problem w/ making plans w/ OW regarding OC. I don't think you should wait any longer for him to decide what plans the two of you will make.

Oh honey, {{{{{{{{{{Luy}}}}}}}}}}}}, I know your pain & I am so sorry you have to go thru this, but you have to stand up for yourself & do what is right for YOU. Plan B may wake him up, he needs to know he can't have it all, & you are the only one who can show him that right now.

I hate to see you make the same mistakes I did when I went thru this that is why I am so pro PB right now. I didn't know of any other options & had no real support like you do from this board. Again I so sorry for you.

You have your good cry & then go about the business of taking care of you, what plans do you have in the meantime as far as dealing w/ H until 7/14?

BabyGirl,

Thanks. I know it's the right thing and from the look on his face, I think he was stunned.

I have no idea what I am going to do for the next month and a half. I wanted to say to him, let's try to make the best of it but it never came out.

We have a lot going on in June-dance recital, birthday, picnics, etc. I hope that it can keep us busy and calm.

I really see LynnG's point about how C does not work. But there are others here who are doing it with success. However, the HUGE difference it their H was willing to see the damage he did to the M, the trust, the BS emotions and was willing to make amends for that while still maintaing contact with their child. I truly think I could have done it, had he just given me the slightest bit of consideration.

I really wanted my M to work. I can't believe after this many years of trying to figure it all out it's finally over. I really am sad. Sad that my H just sat there and accepted it. Sad that he still does not see that he needs to change and give too. Sad that he could just give up and not fight. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

LUV ok july 14th, Do you have family you can stay w/? or Tell him you are moving and you will sleeping in the BR and he can sleep on the couch!! Or better yet tell him to get out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> Go total 180!! Let him know he crossed the line and he has made his bed. Do you have a boy? What kind of example is he setting for your son? Would he want your son to do this to his wife? It will be harder for the children to except the OC with him being gone and spending time alone w/ the OW & OC. I know we sound harsh today, but you are worth so much more than he and you are giving you credit for. I know the possibalty of the "end" scares the crap out of you, it did me when I left. Remember I left & he knew nothing, I just didn't come home and he had to call everywhere looking for me. Didn't want the confrontation or anymore lies. But after being apart, yes I gave him a chance to get close to OW and guess what, hes home, he knows now where exactly he wants to be. And its not because of the children, its because he loves me and wants to be w/ me. I didn't want to make waves, I had my comfort zone and felt "safe". NOT LOVED, but "safe". I never the whole time we where M, pd bills, worried about bills, or fixing anything, ect. So thats what I mean about "safe zone". But you know, I did fine. I learned how to manage money, depend on myself and god only, Realized I am a good person and deserve to be loved and to love someone worthy of me. My kids deserved someone to be there for them, not someone who lied and made mom sad <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> But I have to thank you for sharing your situation, I've had nightmares on this happening to me. I know and I am prepaired to do what I need to do, if it happens. But the only thing is I'm not going anywhere. My kids deserve their "home". We didn't screw up, so why should they have to make new friends and be pulled form their "safe zone". They have been though enough. As far as I am concerned, he wanted to play, so he can pay for my house, and for the children we PLANNED to have. He broke the promise you made in front of God and both of your families. When things got bad in the M did you? NO, so why should you give up what you helped build? I'm sorry I wouldn't give up nothing I helped pay for, for the OW and OC. and neither should you and your kids. Just think about the apt deal. I'm sorry but you can redecarate the house, make it different, but why uproot your children, they have been thought ENOUGH! So have you. Make him miss "home" his safe zone. Yes we can be a bytch, yes we are not the easiest pople to live with, yes there are good days and bad days, and days you don't think you will get by with, but if you love someone you don't get someone else and not give that person you said you loved that easy. If they would look at what we have to live w/ too, maybe they would figure it out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> LUV I hope everything we are saying is not over whelming you, we are tring to help and listen and we are all here w/ you. I will worry about u this weekend. And I will be w/ you in my heart and prayers.
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny

Thanks Sunny. Wish I could log on this weeekend but my home computer is all messed up.

I have no family in the area and he refuses to leave.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Make him miss "home" his safe zone. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He has been away from it before, he moved out two other times. It would not bother him to do it again. Plus, I think this will have a bigger impact on him.

I hate to do this to my kids to but I can no longer afford to pay the mortgage on my own, I am going broke. If I move, I can do more things for them/with them.

Well, I am out of here for the weekend. Happy Memorial Day everyone.