I haven't updated for a day-wow! He still comes over and has been staying over. Talked about paying off a few more things soon and I said just think if you decide your staying we would have 500 more a month that we have been without since Feb. for your apt.

Wrong thing to say maybe--I could feel him retracting and drawing back via the phone connection. I figured heck I have nothing to lose and said what are you thinking and he said he didn't honestly know.

However, I think the more we do things together and plan things together and pay things off together that he will stay and find his way.

I have decided to try and just live compeltely as if we are going to stay together and I guess essentially give it up to a higher power and just have faith. IF he wanted to be down it would be by now.

I wasn't even going to paint the room in the house yet that I wanted to but I decided that when I get a little extra I'm going to-I'm to live as we are together and move on--he will catch him I think if I don't keep waiting and letting him call the shots.

That is my theory. To be happy, enjoy what I have and live life as if this could be the last day. You know what I mean?? Use my bath & body works lotion every day--don't save it--be psoitive- have faith and believe and believe. I have been believing that he wasn't done since this time last year and I think We see that is true.

What do you all think about him still referring to things as being done together-paying things off etc and all that but yet being undecided??? I think he isn't undecided and just doesn't know it.

Albany,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That is my theory. To be happy, enjoy what I have and live life as if this could be the last day. You know what I mean?? Use my bath & body works lotion every day--don't save it--be psoitive- have faith and believe and believe. I have been believing that he wasn't done since this time last year and I think We see that is true. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

That sounds like a great plan to me, we spend way too much time thinking & pondering this situation & NOT LIVING!! I like the part about using the bath & body works every day too, I tend to save things - for what???? Stay strong in your faith & trust & believe God. He will work this out for you.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you all think about him still referring to things as being done together-paying things off etc and all that but yet being undecided??? I think he isn't undecided and just doesn't know it.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Is your H the type of person who says things & then doesn't follow thru? If not then he is planning for a future because he plans to have a future with you, that is what I think. For whatever reason they seem to like playing the game, fence sitting whatever you want to call it, but they know exactly what they want I think, acting confused buys them time, time for what I am not sure, maybe time to get their act together cause they know once they come home there should be no more game playing & it will be time to do some real work. Just my observation, but I think I'm right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

He says he is done to me today when I went home at lunch. That he wants it to work but it won't.

He said he doesn't look forward to coming home to me. I guess I don't float his boat. I asked why he came home to me yesterday morning and I said was it to tell me (your best friend) all the crappy stuff going on at work and he didn't answer and i said if so you can't have it both ways.

He said he is sorry that he is always tense and uptight around me.

I called later and said it is interesting to me that last night you said that you didn't know and that today you are done.

I know I was wrong to reach or almost beg but I did ask him if he would consider doing counseling. He said he doesn't know. Should I just suggest PB and do it--I think it is the last hope and I know that I have done it all if I do a PB.

Albany,

I am so sorry for your pain. I can not really give you any advice as I am unsure myself, but i do know that you have been a good person and wife. You must follow your heart on this one. h really does not know what he wants to do and maybe it's time for you to decide what you want to do.

Love Ya,

JT

JT2

I know what I want to do but I think that by me wanting it to work-that he just comes and goes and I think I have no alternative but to try PB while I prepare to be done even though I don't want to be done.

I'm sorry that we find ourselves in the same shoes.

I love him so much that this just kills and I think I must do PB because if I don't I won't ever be able to say I did everything I could.

I understand what you are going through. I hope that pb will wake him up and let him know what he would be missing. I wish we could just clap our fingers and it be all over but since we can not I guess the suffering will continue. For now at least. We must pray that everything works out for good. GOD has promised us this - we must just now believe it. I know it is hard because I am not even at that place totally in m,y life. ALl we can do id try it. I am praying for you and wishing you the best and happiness with your family.


JT

Thanks, JT

I just don't know what else I could do. I think I have done it all except that and AD has been urging me to do it for awhile--I just thought I could get by without it. Probably should have done it ahile ago because by now I would either be done or we would be back together.

Albany,

I am sorry that H is saying he is done again while continuing to send u these mixed signals. Maybe it is time for PB, if that doesn't snap him into reality nothing will. I don't agree that you should have done this awhile ago mainly because you were NOT ready, you thought there were other alternatives to explore & now you have.

If you really feel in your heart that there is nothing else left to do than PB then you definitely should, he is saying he is done so this will be his test, this will show him what it will be like if he is truly done w/ your marriage.

Pray over it & do what u have to do. We r here 4 u sweetie.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Albany}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Thanks BBYG

Just makes me hurt and feel crappy that he doesn't look forward to coming home to me. Makes me mad that I had a taste of having a husband again for a couple of weeks.

Hi Albany,

I am so sorry. I hope everything will be OK.
(((((((((Albany))))))))))))))

al~

I'm sorry I didn't catch the latest on you when I was on earlier, but I had some running to do...

Ok, if you think it's time for Plan B, first of all, do not suggest it to him! This is NOT something you plan as a couple. He is not to know of it, until he receives the letter from you.

Continue your Plan A concepts no matter how big of a jerk he's being, (remember you're not in charge of his behavior, only your own). However, while you're Plan A'g, prepare for Plan B. Did you ever go out on the date I suggested? You two have NOT had enough one on one time, just plain having fun, and w/out your son. My greater point to you is to NOT stop Plan A'g until Plan B begins.

Get your things in order. You won't be able to contact him directly regarding money, household needs, your son, etc...

Make plans for your son as far as p/u & d/o's...PREFERABLY an intermediary of some sort in order to avoid all contact between you and H.

Get an intermediary for all other issues that may arise as well. If your H needs to get a message to you, it will have to be through someone, not directly.

Time to tell your mom, albany!!!!

Begin making a rough draft of the Plan B letter. Short, sweet, and to the point.

Do you remember what a Plan B letter should contain? I can do some more research for you. (Why don't I save these things???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Prepare yourself for going dark al, because that's what a good, effective Plan B is. There is no half way! For you to have NC w/ your H is as difficult as it is for a cheating spouse to have NC w/ the OP when in the heat of the affair.

Take care of yourself al, you will make it through, and you'll have your answer soon, for good or bad, but you'll have your answer, sweetie. ((((((al))))))

~ad

<small>[ July 16, 2004, 10:14 AM: Message edited by: autumnday ]</small>

Albany, emailed you back. Hope you aren't scared to read it. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> love ya, ktbunches o' love!

AD~don't spend too mcuh time looking yet--not quite ready--still trying to mentallt get there.

OF course H came over last night after a meeting--told him no reason to and came over bright and early this morning--doesn't know yet he told me last night.

I think he wants it to work you guys but just can't get their-makes me mad that I may have to do PB just because he can't quite get it done.

The update and AD I hope you are still right about my M being within my grasp.

Friday after work I get home and H hangs around for awhile and then leaves-we get into major via cell phone about him being done etc. I told him that he always comes back--so why if he is done and he said that maybe I need to make him stay so he can be gone and figure himself out--hello-shouldn't you do that first.

At 12:30am he shows up and I said why are you here and he says he went out to get something to eat and just ended up here! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> LOL

Whatever! Then Saturday morning he asks me and our son to go with him up to a potluck for a four-wheel drive club he wants to join. We go--I think we had a good time. We get back and he says he is leaving and I said why and he said he can't keep doing this and we have to be done because he can't live a lie and he isn't happy being with me. Don't forget where he ended up the night before!

He said you won't let me go and I said I have let you go but you always come back and then without hesitation I said GO! Of course i was on a bit of a roll and didn't stop there so I went on to say that he was uptight around me and even our son because I believe he hasn't forgiven himself and feels awkward around us and what he has created. I said yes you were an A**hole and you did a bad thing but get over it and forgive yourself and put it behind you because it is past-tense---we can't go back and change it. I told him I also feel like he thinks too much has happened to make it work and then I shared Niosgirl's story (hope you don't mind--no names) and if it can work with two OC's it can certainly work with one OC and of course he says what is an OC <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> too much time ont his sit <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

He then says well I shouldn't maybe say tha I'm done--talk to him Sunday when he is at work and he says he is done and I said what about what you said last night--he claims he didn't say it!

So as you all have said especially AD and a few friends are saying--cut him loose and she just what happens--no one things he is done or he would have already been done.

AD do I have to do full PB or do you think I can just ignore and aviod him--Right now he is using our computer at our home top sell some stuff on ebay so he has been stopping by--I need to make my mind up first.

Also, we aren't really connecting on a physical/emotional level but I think that is because he isn't letting it happen and come to find out also side effect of Lexapro which he is taking.

I'm at home today--I thing I have the flu--ache everywhere.

If your intent is to do a Plan B, then YES, you must do a full Plan B. Remember, there is no half-way stuff...not if you want it to work.

Ignoring and avoiding when you haven't explained in a Plan B letter would only serve to be humongo LB's. He wouldn't know what was going on, only that you're being a jerk...all of a sudden.

Hope you feel better soon. Are you sure it's the flu? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Big ole flag....doesn't he have a 'puter at work? Why can't he login to ebay there? You don't have to let him use your 'puter....shoot as long has he has his username and password, he can goto ebay from anywhere - even the library.

I totally don't mind if you share my story. He needs a dose of reality...and the reality is that, imo, HE'S the one not letting it go....btdt! He's gonna end up a sad old b*stard if he doesn't start looking forward instead of back....also my opinion, but I know in my heart it's true.

- Kimmy

No computer that he can use to get internet access-he works for Trusjoist owned by Weyerhaeuser--it is a mill also. He works in production.

Anyway things are a bit better--don't know what keeps scaring him away-I think personally it is his own guilt and the fact he hasn't accepted what has happened and moved on--I think he feels that guilt when he is around me especially and some around our son.

I think your story amazed him. Had to tell him about the fact she has what 4 other children besides you 2 OC's and about the lice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> and about the lice </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">LOL!! al, you crack me up!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

How ya doin' today anyway?

Albany,

I wish you the best in whatever you plan on doing. Just be the best person that you can be and let God do the rest. If you do decide to do plan B make sure that it is a good one as AD said.

LOL,

JT

Okay AD you asked--just warning you that you asked! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I didn't talk to him yesterday except when he called and asked how ebay aucitons were doing.

I rested, picked up in the house, vacuumed (sp), had the repair man fix our water softener, and got a whole bunch of ebay items I sold ready to ship today after work and my haircut.

I didn't even know if he was stoppin by after work or not. He appeared and looked at my new new western boots I got for riding off of ebay--paid 79.00 and have an identical pair I bought last fall for 280.00-what a steal on ebay.

He commented about how good our big spare room looked--computer resides in it and ebay clothes were everywhere but I got everything organized that is waiting for payment and everything packaged to ship and in my car--all in all the house looked great. He was impressed. HE looked at stuff on computer-I took pictures of some things he was going to list. he then was going to take a shower and go over to a friends to look at an engine and then come back he said and I said well I'm BBQ pork chops and we are eating zuchinni cass. and he said go ahead and eat he would we he got back. So he took shower at our house-put dirty clothes in my laundry and got clean out of the closet--half of his our back.

He returned at about 9:30pm he heated dinner we chatted about the engine and what he wants to do with his Landcruiser and then i wathced a movie--he lfet at about 10:30pm and gave me a hug goodnight.

i just left it at that--he certainly didn't take any clothes with him dirty or clean--won't really see him tonight probably he start work at 6:00pm

That is the update.