Here is my story. About two years ago my husband had an affair. supposedly a one night stand to my understanding. We were having some problems at the time so he stayed with a friend for awhile. He assured me over and over that he was not getting a divorce and that we would work things out. he would come by the house from time to time to I guess check on his home, and Im sure to check on me as well. Well anyway this was very hard for me and there was a good friend of mine that I confided in. One day we were talking and I was telling her that I wonder what my husband was up to because I had not seen him for a while. Well the ow just happened to be her cousin and she tried to reassure me by telling me that my husband could not possibly be messing around with her cousin anymore with the fact the girl was laid up pregnant. My heart sank and the first thing that came to my mind was it is my husbands? After talking to her I went straight to my husband and asked was the child his. He asked me how could I ask him such a thing. well this story is long so let me make it short. Two months after that I found out I was with child which would make our first. Nine months went by and he still denied. that oc was born february 21, 2003 (son). She made many attempts to try and contact us and make my husband come around. What is funny is that she didnt know his last name. I thought that was strange how can you lay with someone for awhile and not know who he truly is? We finally made contact when the other child was ten months old a paternity test was taken in december 03 results 99.9% his. I was heart broken. Our child was born 5-02-03, so the siblings were just a few months apart, and what is worse she had his first son now name changed to Jr. The ow does not work or attend school and is currently waiting on the child support to begin. she was awarded 440. My thought way to go H. We have been involved with the child since that time on and he spends most of the time with us. the mother was very young and think that she is not ready to raise a child, she even has him call her by her name. This is very hard on me sometimes becaue sometimes I feel like they had a child for me to take care of. It is like having twins. Not to mention we may be expecting. I know that God would not put me through more than I can handle, but I never imagined this happening in my marriage. I was hoping that with all my husband hard work, working day in and day out he would be smart enough at least not make babies. He knows he made a mistake but insist on the child living with us for the best interest of the child. the ow is kind of easy to deal with because she is still very child like. She states she didnt know he was married but contrary to that her cousin told her. But she thought it was fun anyway. this story could go on and on because it is never ending. We are still rebuilding our marriage and one thing that I found comfort in is that I will not allow a woman to come in and tear up everything that we have worked for. We married for better or worse and I will be blessed.

NDY, Thanks so much for sharing your story. And let me welcome you to MB. Anything you read here will help you continue to repair your M and make it stronger. Sounds like you are on the right track anyway. Look forward in talking to you in the future! Stay stong!
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Sunny D

Your story breaks my heart. You yourself sound young. Have you had any counseling? I am concerned about you.

You say that your husband "insists on the child living with us for the best interest of the oc"

What about the best interest of his wife? Please correct me if I am wrong, but your words, as I read them, sound exhausted. The hurt of the affair, the shock of the baby and now having oc living with you? Where in all of this did you slow down and figure out what YOU wanted? Where are YOUR needs being met? How do YOU feel? Or are you shoving all your wishes, hopes, dreams and feelings under the rug so you can "do what is best for oc".

If you are not healed, this WILL come back, and it is going to come back in bitter resentment. Instead of raising your beloved child you are now forced to accept the oc into your home cause your Husband "insists" you do so. Something just seems wrong here. Where are you in all of this? How do you feel about all of this? Does he understand those feelings? What would he do if you said no way to the oc in your home? Would YOU be the bad person? Does he understand how hurt you were? Or is he "insisting" that you just deal with it?

I pray that you are in counseling and that he gets this. He can't insist you raise his oc anymore then you can insist that oc not come into your home. This all has to be 100% acceptable, agreed upon and fine with both you and him. If it isn't, it will come back to wreck havoc on your marriage.

Putting ALL OTHERS NEEDS/WISHES ASIDE, what would YOU want? Would you prefer not having oc around? If so BE HONEST with yourself. This is your one and only life, this is not a dress rehersal. You are not expected to sacrifice your life or that of your own children to fix HIS mistakes. Please please please, be honest with yourself and make sure you are 100% totally and completely accepting of this situation. You deserve to be happy and you deserve a marriage. A real one.

If you are afraid of what he would do/think if you said "no contact with oc" then what good is the marriage anyway? You will spend a lifetime serving him and he "insisting" you do so. This is not fair, not right and NOT A MARRIAGE.

So start by being honest with yourself. You don't even have to say it out loud. You can't be judged by anyone. Just imagine what you WISH would happen. Find your own truth. Find your needs and wishes. The truth is sweetie, that you are just as innocent as the oc. Please please please remember that you matter too.

You sound like you are saying what you think is politically correct, and what is "right". There is not "right" is two people having an affair and then expecting others to make it easy for them and to sacrificd their lives. No way.

It would be just as "right" if the ow took the oc and raised oc on their own, leaving the nuclear family alone to heal and to live their lives in a peacefull manner. The oc is NOT the only victim, just one of many.

Just remember, you matter! I "insist" that you look in the mirror everyday and tell yourself how wonderful you are!!!!

NDY,

Oh my goodness LynnG - You have hitthe nail on the head!!!

PLease listen to what Lynn is saying I think she is correct. I read your post earlier, but had to think closely about what I wanted to say to you. I think you are not thinking of yourself but what is best for your H and what will appear to be easier for him. This type of thinking just might come back to bite you in the butt though. You have not had time to deal with this whole issue before it was thrown some more curves.

you are probably still really hormonal which gives another spin on things. You need to step back and take time for you get into Counseling it will help tremendously. I think you should also not be making decisions based on what your H wants. We or He has clearly proven that he is not the best decision maker either, so therfore should not be insisting on anything when it comes to the family right now. You both need to heal together that is most important right now. OW has to learn to deal with her child - IT IS HERS TO DEAL WITH. IF SHE DIDN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH IT SHE SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT NINE NO TEN MONTHS AGO (40 WEEKS=10 MONTHS)!!

This is not your cross to bare it is theirs . sweetie I hate to welcome you here but you need to read all that you can and get focused on what should really be important at this time. I wish you the best and hope and pray that you take control of your life and not let your H do the thinking for thwe two of you. It could be damaging to you and your kids. Be careful!


JT

my husband and I are both thirty years old. the ow is twenty two. Never graduated high school and does not have a lot going for herself. I dont mind the child sometimes but there are times when Im so frustrated because H gets angry when I drop him off to his mother. He is trying to have less contact as possible with ow. But like I have always told him that is the oc mother and she should have to take responsibility for her actions and raise her child. He says she wont raise him right and he does not want his child around weed smoking and everything else that goes on at her home. He wants to try and get custody. My other problem is last night I took a preg test and Oh yes pregnant. I dont know how I will break this to him when there is two toddlers running around in the house now which we pay childcare for. My husband is from another country and in his culture the man rules (decision maker) He says how can I push away his flesh and blood? His father had two wives, and twenty kids. They all lived in the same house. He doesnt understand why I wouldnt be able to get over it and move on. There is no reason to continue to throw it up in his face he says he made a mistake. I did not go to court with him for cs, but he thinks that why should I worry about the support its not coming out of my money. MY thought is that is still taking money from the home. Your paying child support and paying his childcare. So what child is getting more. He acts as if he doesnt understand this concept. I have no problem with the child being in our home on occasions but the fact that Im taking care of him day in and night the mother is siting on her ***. I told him I feel like since she could not have you she doesnt want to deal with the child. well at work write more later

OH MY. Honey!

You are pregnant! You CAN do this! BUT you MUST TAKE CARE OF YOU AND YOUR OWN CHILDREN FIRST!! Who is looking out for YOU? Who hugs you and tells YOU that you matter and that YOU are an absolute GEM? If no one is- then you need to love and put yourself first for ONCE!

This girl is TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU! HE IS PAYING HER CHILD SUPPORT - FOR WHAT????? What is she doing for her child??

I am SO angry right now I cannot believe it. The two of them have an affair, make this child- AND YOU ARE TAKING CARE OF THE CHILD??

Does your H help care for his son? Do you do all the diaper changing, running around, feeding, etc????

And now YOU are pregnant again- you are going to feel more tired, stressed and emotional taking care of 2 little ones during such an emotional time- and while you are SO HURT ?

I just don't know how to collect my thoughts on this one. I am so upset for you because it is obvious that you do NOT have a voice in your marriage. Honey you must be hurting so much(((HUGS)))....

What are you going to do in an effort to take back control of YOUR LIFE and YOUR MARRIAGE- and how will your husband react to you? Have you ever completely opposed him before or made your own final decision(s) without him ?

Please stop letting OW and your H treat you like their slave- and you just go along with it.

Stick around, please, you can learn a lot of how to deal with these situations- I know I did.

Again, sweetie, BIG HUG to you.

NDY - I commend you for taking OC on in your household and for trying to be the better spouse. However, I agree with the other posters. You need to decide what you can & cannot live with otherwise, there will be bitterness later in you that will unleash itself. You need to make sure that you are allowing yourself time to heal. My child & OC are 3 mos apart and my first and only concern is my child. I understand H wants a relationship with OC, but he has to priortize. C will come with OC, but when we as a couple are ready together. I will not sacrifice my son's welfare at the expense of OC. Meaning I am not emotionally ready for C with OC and therefore do not want my son to suffer for anything forced on me, because I will be emotionally drained to take on C with OC right now. Now that you are pregnant you really need to take some time to think out and communicate what you want. You don't want to be over stressed while you are pregnant. Please put yourself first....for you, your children, & your M. Don't let your H make all the decisions if you don't agree with them.

I wish you the best and hope things start to calm down for you. In times like this it is so hard to articualte to God what you want/need...so just pray for his Mercy & Grace and He will take care of you!!