I have a theory that people are afraid to take risks in life & that is why they stay (W/ every excuse in the book) in dead end jobs (or jobs w/ OW <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ).

And yet.......WS are the BIGGEST risk takers there are------cheating on their spouses, hoping NOT to get caught-so your 'fear' is really NOT the TRUTH!

There are a million jobs out there. Flip burgers, change professions, whatever the heck you need to do.

My H made a CARREER change (exterminator to car salesman, can you top that? LOL) because I needed him too! Was it easy, in the immediate moment, yes, (not to hard to say I quit) the time it took to get a sales liscence & actually selling a car? That took some patience.....in the meantime he took a crap job @ an auto parts store! (retail! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> eek!)

We never looked back! And we have been BLESSED since.

But he DID it, we NEEDED him too, our marriage needed him too. (no he was not working w/ OW anymore @ that time but the nature of his job was not condusive to trust building)

People do what they WANT according to their priorities.

If your M is your priority you would do ANYTHING for it.

Why are you SO concerned about OW being mad @ you but NOT your W?



kt

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> If your M is your priority you would do ANYTHING for it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Exactamundo (not affiliated with Telemundo)!

DO! GO! DO!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO! GO! DO!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dealan - Dyslexia isn't anything to be ashamed of but the phrase is actually "GO DOG GO!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


Edited due to the fact that God didn't like my dyslexia joke and I've now been stricken with the condition. Sheesh!

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 01:43 PM: Message edited by: Flukeboy ]</small>

Lost, Lost, Lost ... what are we going to do with you??
This is a long post ...

Let me say this first, we are going to pick your brain ... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> that was too funny ... no, we really are going to ... it is very rare to have a WH in this board ...
we don't want to scare you away because we do want to know what you are thinking ... but up until know, nothing new ... what you have said, is what we have heard from our WS ...
That's why you are going to get some strong reactions: we already heard what you are saying and we know what is coming next ... we know what the outcome will be ... nothing new ... nothing different ...
Your posts here might give us hope that somehow you will realize in time what you have done, what you are losing and that you will not follow the long path of pain and hurt that our WS have put us through with their indecisions ...

I'm glad to hear that you are leaving with your sister and not OW ...

A lot of people see D as a huge ending ... that's it and we will never be together anymore ...
For me, it was not the end, it was not the beginning either ... it was just something else that happened ...
xH had an affair in 2000 - short term ... we reconciled, never talked about divorce, we BOTH recognized what we were doing wrong in our Marriage, went to MC ...
I told him, if something like this happens again, I will divorce you ...
Well, it did ... and for me the hardest part was, still is, is to understand why he did it a second time ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> my strong response to her filing clearly shows that I was emotionally unprepared and was hoping deep down for more time.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My xH left Saturday night, came Tuesday like nothing happened, I called the lawyer ... first visit to the lawyer on Feb 18, served him two weeks later ... divorce final on May 20. See how fast that was? We both were thinking that we had more time ... and at that time I didn't know OW was pregnant ... had I known may be I would have never ever gave him another chance ... by the time he told me about OC he was also talking about remarriage and everything else ...
Don't take those six months for granted if you want to reconcile with your Wife ... they will be gone really soon and you are going to be in the same position 'thinking about what you want to do' ... in the meantime, you might have lost your W forever ... it all depends ... you'll see people that are divorced and that's the end of their marriage ... no second chances
I don't know if it wasn't for DD, I would still want to work out our relationship ... who knows ...

Reconciliation after affair, after OC, after divorce is going to depend a lot on your actions NOW and how your wife reacts to that ... it is going to depend on how you react to the divorce process... again, your Wife seems like a very strong woman that it is not going to accept false recoveries and will not take you back until she is sure that your are being honest with her, that A will not happen again ... and that will take years ...
Reconciliation after affair, after OC, after divorce is 1000 times more difficult ... in my case, I will say after affair, after OC, after divorce, after cake eating and fence sitting, after two false recoveries ...

Right now, we are dating ... apart from what he says that he needs time to be by himself (seems familiar?) ... right now, I do not want to be back with him ... not now ... there still a lot of things in the air ... I do not know if I can deal with OW for the rest of my life ... I do not trust him to say he is not going to do the same thing again ... so, it's going to take time ... a lot of time for us to be in a good place ... to be sure enough that we want to be together again ... He is going to live by himself for the next year ... and even with that sometimes I think that it might take more than that to fix us as a couple after all this damage ...
My thing is that he always gave me hopes that we were going to be together ... but the problem was that he was giving the same hopes to OW ... see how unfair?


======================

There is something here that worries me .. I don't know if you are hiding something ... or if your wife knows something that you don't know she knows ... or what's going on ... but the restraining order thing worries me ... have you been abusive to her? why a RO? what happened before you moving out and after you moved out that she changed her mind about visitation and had a RO on you?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> That doesn't diminish the pain
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are hurt ... you are hurt by your wife's actions against you, what were you expecting? ... but your hurt is nothing compared to her hurt ... how much she feels she has to do to protect herself from you when she filed for divorce and has a RO ... see, something is missing here ...


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Once I master that, knowing what I value, I expect I will wish I'd had the chance to do every step and move heaven and earth to fix my marriage, to right the wrongs and help her heal the pain I've caused. That is not going to happen, and I'm just hurting over the loss of the opportunity and promise of finally having a real equal relationship with my W... my STBXW.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Lost ... if you love your W ... do it now! ... If you want to heal your marriage, move heaven and earth ... right the wrongs ... help her with her pain, blah, blah, blah ... do it now!!!!!
The longer you wait, the more difficult it is going to be, the more pain you are inflicting in yourself and your family ... If you love her and want to be with her and with your kids ... with your family ... do it now!!!!!!

You saying that that is not going to happen is accepting that there is no hope ... how do you know? may be what your wife wants is for you to stand up and show her that she and your kids are the most important things in your life! You 'losing' your hope is just looking for an excuse for what you are going to do next ...

Now, if your problem is that you don't know who you want to be with, your W or your OW ... then you should not be with either one of them and be clear and honest about that ... but you are taking a big risk here ... none of them might want you back after a while ...

This is what I see from your comments ... you love your wife ... but you have feelings for OW ... I don't want to say love because a relationship like that, love is too much of a strong word ... you saying you want to take time, is you waiting to see how your feelings are going to change when OC is born ...


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> What I felt I needed time to do was get emotionally straight enough to be able to ride out the birth of the baby without reaching out to her, to be able to cut the ties completely and be ready to live the rest of my life OK with that decision. I'm not there yet.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">babble, babble, babble ... how frustrating!?!?!?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just didn't see how I could approach this the right way without breaking myself into pieces and rebuilding myself emotionally.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">breath in ... breath out ...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Now, honestly, I feel like I'm left in a situation where I don't know why I should cut the ties. My marriage is over, flat-out, it's what my W wants. (Oh my God, I said it again! I really am going to think about that.)
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">breath in - breath out - breath in - breath out ...
Lost! Will you believe me this is not the first time I've heard this?
wait ... let me take a deep breath ... breath in .... breath out ...


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm not any more prepared for a relationship with OW or the OC, but the way things have developed, I'm just not sure I have any reason to burn that bridge now. For my W, I was willing to -- but I had to get there emotionally first. Now I just don't know.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OMG!!!! I feel so much for your W right now ... don't you see it????? you are just looking for excuses to say it was your wife who wanted to end your relationship and that's why you pursue a relationship with OW ... but later you will know that that's not what you wanted either ... and you will want to go back to your wife ... but so much damage has been done ... that you are not going to do nothing ... in the meantime, you destroyed your family, your wife and OW's too!!!
I see so much of my xH in you that it is scary ...

I really hope with all my heart that you will react in time to get back your wife and your kids ... and that she will want you back ...
as ktbunch said:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">STOP putting it on your W---that SHE wants the D. I bet what she REALLY wants is for YOU to stand up--like a MAN & win her back! CHOOSE dang it!!!!!! YOU are really the one who wants a D so that YOU can go w/ OW & blame it on W.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Me leaving was my doctor's idea and my wife's idea.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">NO!!!!! It was your doing!!! YOU MOVED OUT!!!! If you really really want to ... you still have time to save your marriage before more people get hurt!!!!
I won't mind getting married again ... even to xH ... but I know that I will never ever go through a divorce again ... save your wife from all that pain ...


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She has flat out said I am not welcome at home.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">duh! what were you expecting? For her to say 'honey, I love you, take all the time you need, move in with OW if you feel that is necessary, I will be here waiting for you with open arms forever' ... can you see how selfish is that???? you can't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> there is nothing I could say or do in the near future that she could put her faith in.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes there is! Open your eyes! ... it will require work and effort from your part ... but it is not impossible ... read "Surviving an Affair"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I had left home with the intent of steeling myself to break off all contact with OW and OC, and believe it or not was nearly there when the divorce was filed.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can still break off contact with OW ... you are just looking for excuses to 'choose' her over your Wife <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> she called and accused me of abandoning the baby. I said the baby isn't here yet, and when it is I will not abandon my responsibilities in any way. She said what I do to her now, I do to the baby (because of this today, she's sick, coughing up blood, etc. -- my fault). In my current state, it's very, very hard to stand up to that kind of guilt -- and she knows it, I fear, since it's worked before.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is OW acting as an OW ... and you acting ... well <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ... again you are just looking for excuses ... you are making your bed ... 'my wife does not want me, me wife filed for divorced, I'm confused, I need to be alone ... OW's H is abusive to her, everything that is happening to her is MY fault ...'
Next you are going to say: 'I moved in with OW ... I'm going to try to do things right with this baby ... my xW never understood me ... buah buah buah ...'
Then in a couple of months ... I'll say less than six months, probably after OC is born: 'this is not what I want, I miss my kids ... OW is not what I thought she was ... I want xW back but she does not want me'
Why should she want you back? you have done nothing to show her your love ... you are just there complaining and whining about YOU and YOUR problems and YOUR life ...

OW's problems are NOT YOURS!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I would have been willing to move to another state just to get a clean start, but my STBXW has very close family ties nearby and does not ever want to leave this area.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">See how you keep looking up for excuses?

======
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> She is unwilling, and even if she were, her family and most of our mutual friends who'd welcomed me back after the mess this summer now despise me.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you really love her, you will find a way to win her back ...
Yes, you don't have any mutual friends anymore, nor you can count her family as your family ... and if your wife wants to work things out with you, the probability is that those friends will despise her too ... why? because they have never been in a situation like this, they would not understand why she wants to go back with you after everything that happened.

======
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> At the simplest level, she easily meets my main emotional needs of affection and compliments et al in a way my W found very difficult the few times she tried. We have similar backgrounds, poor, messed-up families, worked our way to success in our careers.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">blah, blah, blah .... just wait until you move in with her ... and you'll see how 'cute' she will be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

======
from ktbunch
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Lost W if you are reading----------WAY TO GO GIRL! Keep up the good work! Stay strong!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">ditto!!!


===
dealan-de
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Merde.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">love it!!!

=====
Hey Flukeboy, get us lost's wife here!!!

AMEN, MILY!!!!!

Thanks for your response Mily.

Last summer -- during the horrible vacation we took together -- I had a real fog lifting moment which led to the collapse of A, version 1.0. MOW's actions in the last two days have been deja vu all over again, and I'm seeing a lot of stuff without the blinders I've had on.

All I can say at this point is due to many circumstances outside all of this, my work situation is very much up in the air. In the meantime, I've been given permission to work off-site away from MOW. I expect her to blow a gasket when she finds that out, but I am going strict NC with Flukeboy's help. I will know more maybe as soon as tomorrow.

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 02:44 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

Lost, good for you. Guess that boss lunch worked in your favor after all. Please use your support network, FlukeBoy, us, other friends, etc. to get you through this. YOU can do it. Good luck to you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> OMG!!!! I feel so much for your W right now ... don't you see it????? you are just looking for excuses to say it was your wife who wanted to end your relationship and that's why you pursue a relationship with OW ... but later you will know that that's not what you wanted either ... and you will want to go back to your wife ... but so much damage has been done ... that you are not going to do nothing ... in the meantime, you destroyed your family, your wife and OW's too!!! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Very good stuff. Reminds me of righfully getting called out on saying "this is how she wants it."

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is OW acting as an OW ... and you acting ... well [Roll Eyes] ... again you are just looking for excuses ... you are making your bed ... 'my wife does not want me, me wife filed for divorced, I'm confused, I need to be alone ... OW's H is abusive to her, everything that is happening to her is MY fault ...'
Next you are going to say: 'I moved in with OW ... I'm going to try to do things right with this baby ... my xW never understood me ... buah buah buah ...'
Then in a couple of months ... I'll say less than six months, probably after OC is born: 'this is not what I want, I miss my kids ... OW is not what I thought she was ... I want xW back but she does not want me'
Why should she want you back? you have done nothing to show her your love ... you are just there complaining and whining about YOU and YOUR problems and YOUR life ... </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also good stuff.

Seriously, thank you.

Thank you Michele. You have all been very helpful for the past two weeks now. Except for Cody, heh. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

NC is going to be weird. I'm not even going to read emails or answer calls. I wish I could block them outright. I think NC will be good for MOW too -- she says she's filing for divorce regardless of our situation, and maybe we should, so I guess we'll see. At least I won't have to feel like it was the promise of our ongoing relationship that led to it. (Not to minimize the effect it has had on them, please don't get me wrong.)

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 02:53 PM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

Good for you Lost - Us betrayed spouses can only take so much until we do finally snap and do move on with our lives. I hope you and your wife can get over this and end up with a stronger marriage.
A friend asked me the other day if after all H and I have gone through was the affair a positive out come in our marriage and I would have to say a lot of positives did come out of it. We both learnt how much we really love each other and how much you have to work at marriage instead of treating each other as after thoughts. I know I wear a certain amount of the blame for H's A and I know I would NEVER want him to feel unloved or unappreciated again. I also know he would NEVER want to cause me that kind of pain again and lose me. Just take each day as it comes and work hard on your marriage lost show your wife she is on a pedestool. I wish you all the very best.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Lost71:
<strong>
NC is going to be weird. I'm not even going to read emails or answer calls. I wish I could block them outright.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You can------it's called the block senders list on your email & call blocking on your phone! DUH! Or better yet, change your phone #. If nothing else you can create a 'message rule' on your inbox that OW emails are deleted before they even reach your in box. Look under the 'tools' section of your email program. NO MORE excuses.

YOU will find that once you REALLY do NC w/ OW----the 'feelings' (aka: fog) WILL fade. THere will be a period of withdrawal (as in any drug addiction) but it will also fade & things will strangely <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> become VERY clear.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>I think NC will be good for MOW too -- she says she's filing for divorce regardless of our situation, and maybe we should, so I guess we'll see. </strong> </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean maybe you should? Please clarify.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>At least I won't have to feel like it was the promise of our ongoing relationship that led to it. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Uh....newsflash, yes it was. Don't kid yourself. IF she had not gotten involved w/ YOU then maybe she would be choosing to work on her marraige. Just as if YOU had not gotten involved w/ HER, maybe YOU would have chosen, instead, to work on YOUR marriage.
************************************
************************************
ANYHOO Lost, how many posts have we read where you keep saying that you need NC w/ OW and YET, you are POSTING what OW has SAID???????

STOP TALKING TO OW!!!!! NO PERIOD BUT EXCLAMATION POINT! Don't call her to say good bye, don't call to say it's over, no final we can't be together email----just STOP!

You are TALKING about making steps but hey---how 'bout you start taking them!
*********************************
*********************************
And another thing--------we are complete & total strangers, we don't know ANYthing about you but this. How many people do you have IRL that will tell you these things?

WHY? Why should WE care? Why DO we care?

WE have been THERE, we have been through the fire AND lived to tell about it. WE see new ones here every week & are saddened. Rarely do we see a WS, but here you are.

WE want to see your marriage survive. And like another poster said (was it MILY?) we have HEARD it all before.

WE know somewhat what we are talking about. WE ahve been your W, some of us not once but twice, like her.

WE are NOT telling you anything new, nor are you saying anything new to us.

Continue to READ all the tools on this site. They have proven to be extremely helpful.

Good job on taking a step to be away from OW by working from home, or wherever.

Continue NC!

sincerely,
kt

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 03:28 PM: Message edited by: ktbunch ]</small>

hey! no problem! It only took me like two days to write it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Now, more seriously, the fact that you are posting here and answering to us (and not getting mad or deffensive) ... it is good ... you are way ahead ... you know what the fog is, you might understand your situation and your feelings better than just trying on your own ...

Hopefully you will respect and love your Wife more for what she is doing ... you might not be there yet ... but you will ... you've been open minded ... good ... but you still have a long way to come ... keep reading and posting and LEARNING!!!!!

I just wish my xH had someone to talk to instead of trying to deal with things alone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> ... it was not until November when he finally accepted that he could not deal with all of this by himself and reached out for help ...

Now, back to business:
from Cody's thread:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am leaving my wife alone. My dad was a WS too -- many, many times, but I was younger and met most of his girlfriends. That does some weird stuff to a seven year old kid, I know that. (No, I'm not saying my situation is my dad's fault.)</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DISCLAIMER: I'm only reacting to this from my own perspective, it might not be what your Wife is thinking and it might not be what she wants. This is my thinking and my opinion ...

xH's dad was a WS too -- many, many times. xH also met his girlfriends ... freaky, freaky, he was about 6 or 7 years old when his dad took his first (yes, xH's dad has more than one OC) OC home for a while ... xH has on older brother (OC) and a younger brother (OC) very close in age to his sister.
His mom and dad never explained to them the existence of OC1 at their home until they were older/adults ... and by that time whatever damage ... was already done ... xH's dad didn't say anything about OC2 until his daughter was about 16 years old, because there was a high possibility that (living in a small town) they might get to know each other ...
Again, nothing was said about how wrong his actions were ... xH's mom accepted her husband and his As and OCs ... without saying anything to her kids ...
For a while xH did said that his dad's actions were the main reason why he had affairs and that he didn't know better... now that he is counseling, he accepted that his dad's actions were just an excuse for him to have affairs ...
I felt for him (and for you too), because of all the damage that they did to their kids not being open about the situation, how wrong was it <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
And as much as I love xH and my DD, we agreed that we will be open about this situation and tell her about actions and consequences, hopefully in the right, healty way ...

About leaving your wife alone ...
I don't know ... do you want her back? is this separation/divorce the end? is that what you want? From all of the posts here, you know that you DO have the option to win your wife back ...

Even whith all the mess, xH never stop talking to me. If he did I would have assumed that he didn't want anything else to do with me ... and that hurts too ... you are in a position right now that no matter what you do is going to hurt your wife ... if you try to stop the divorce, you are going to hurt her, if you try to continue the divorce, you are going to hurt her ...
no matter what you do, she will be hurt ...

This is very tricky, if you love your wife and want her back, you know her better than anyone ... you were once in love ... you know waht she likes, you are the only one that might win her love and trust back ...

====
Anyway, good that you can work outside from your job and do not have to see OW ...

It is doable ... after xH first affair, he changed jobs. On this second one, he didn't change jobs but he did got a transfer ...

{{{ Prayers on your way for you and your wife and your marriage }}}

<small>[ February 22, 2005, 03:45 PM: Message edited by: Mily ]</small>

You know, you guys are great. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Awesome, straight shooting, honest advice from so many. I wish my FWW had walked into resource like this a few years ago! Might have prevented a lot of agony.


Word. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Flukeboy:
<strong> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">DO! GO! DO!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Dealan - Dyslexia isn't anything to be ashamed of but the phrase is actually "GO DOG GO!"

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />


Edited due to the fact that God didn't like my dyslexia joke and I've now been stricken with the condition. Sheesh! </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Thread Jack:

Hey Fluke-
Did you hear that one about the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac?

He laid awake all night wondering if there was a Dog.


<img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Hi kt --

There are a couple minor problems to deal with regarding NC. First, my only phone is a work cell phone (which I'm allowed to use for personal use too), so changing the number and being utterly unreachable is not an option. I have resolved to not answer her calls, though. Second and similarly, there may be work-related emails that are sent; my buddy Flukeboy has volunteered to screen them all for me -- I'll forward them unread to him, and he'll send back only work-related content (if any). His idea, and I like it. Getting out of that office, where I won't see and overhear her, is huge.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think NC will be good for MOW too -- she says she's filing for divorce regardless of our situation, and maybe we should, so I guess we'll see.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What do you mean maybe you should? Please clarify. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This was both a typo and poorly worded. I meant maybe she should file, based on the state of their relationship before the affair -- his teen porn, his losing $25,000 of their money and lying about all of it, etc. If she does or doesn't file, I don't want it to be because I'm in the picture -- and further yet, I don't want my presence to be an impediment to him making the changes he's been reluctant to make so far.

I feel like I made my first real step today. My talk with my boss was huge, bigger than I can really explain, but it was hard to do. And it's been one day of NC. Like Flukeboy was kind enough to point out, this is the first day in months I don't really regret anything I've done or said. Everyone here who's taken time to respond and help me can take credit for their part. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Mily,

Telling the kids about this is something we haven't discussed so far. We haven't even told them about the A yet. The time is coming soon -- depending how everything plays out, I don't want to tell them about the affair and the baby in the same day. With everything else going on and the baby still six months away, I guess we're saving that for a little later. But time is running out, to be sure.

The only reason I'm leaving my wife so totally alone is the mutual restraining order. (To clarify, I do have a temper, but I have never been physically or otherwise abusive at all to my wife or children. It is not a personal protection order, but a mutual order to not infringe on the peace of mind etc. of the other party.)

The aggressive posturing by her attorney has made me wary of doing anything to throw more wood on my fire. I'd probably be bugging her all the time otherwise -- and given my state of mind a couple weeks ago, it was simply pointless and more hurtful. Now, it may not be. Yesterday I sent her a simple one-sentence email asking under what circumstances, if any, she'd consider joint counseling. She politely responded that she's thinking about her response. My feeling that our marriage has to be "over" is based on her earlier statement to that effect. Since the day I moved out, even before that, while still at the hospital, I knew deep down that the more I fixed myself, the more I'd want to fix my marriage too. Up to now, though, all she's heard is talk. If I can do NC with OW for a few weeks and keep making progress in therapy, it may start to make a difference to her.

This job and the comfortable income it's provided has held a power over my life and decisions for too long, and as it happens circumstances out of my hands may eliminate that problem very soon, one way or another. Prayers very much needed and appreciated. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Lost, how's NC going so far?

It's really hard. She's called three times and emailed twice, once asking me to call, once with an "update" on the baby -- she says she's lost five pounds in one week and they can barely hear the baby's heartbeat. (As you can see, I've dropped the ball on forwarding those emails to Flukeboy, and it's rough.) I have not responded, but it's tough. Withdrawal was starting last night and it will get harder. Medication helps.

Spoke to my wife briefly last night on the phone after calling the kids, to walk her through burning a DVD from TiVo for me of a few shows I've missed. It was a pleasant and friendly conversation. I don't expect I should approach her with too much "I'm changing" talk until it's been three or four weeks, to show there's actually been action behind it.

Well, there's call number four from OW, after saying in her email "I won't initiate any calls to you because I know you need your space." No word from my boss yet. I'm actually getting a little work done out here for a change.

36 hours and counting. Now there's call number five. This phone's going to my car for now.

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: Lost71 ]</small>

10 missed calls, once voicemail (unheard).

As I'm typing this, my boss just called and said OW asked him to call me to tell me she has passed some tissue and is on the way to the hospital.

The guilt and suffering and loss and fear are really overpowering right now. I don't know what to do. How do I not call her back to ask what's going on? How do I not go with her to see what's happened? How do I withstand the blame she's sure to unload on me when I do speak to her next?

This is horrible.....

Lost, glad to hear you're doing okay for now. Just want to say...don't let OW guilt you in to calling her for the "baby". It's just an excuse. I hate to say this and will probably p*ss some people off, but do remember that technically that baby is her H's until paternity is established since she is married. How'd you feel talking to your W last night? I'm sure you miss her and your family.