Hi everyone-I have been posting on general questions-but they told me I could get some advice here for my current sitch. Some background-me and WH have been separated for 6 mths b/c he says he was "unhappy" and was tired of "living a lie". The following is a copy and paste from the other board.

Well-If I make it through today I know I can make it through anything. I was just informed today by WH that OW is 5 mths pregnant. We have been separated 6 mths. He SWEARS he didn't sleep w/ her before he left-yeah, whatever. Anyway-we are going next week and getting a divorce-I want it in writing that my kids are supported before this one gets here. He is agreeing to pretty much anything right now-thankfully. He says that is why he couldn't work on things-he wanted to but knew he couldn't. Things "just happened" and it went to far-WHATEVER! Anyway-I could use some encouragment here-I think I am still kinda in shock. Of course-he was crying and saying how sorry he was=blah blah blah If anyone has any advice I will take that as well. Thanks. This just isn't the man I married-he was so great........what happened??? Oh well-water under the bridge now-I hate him. I wish he would just sign the kids over and leave us alone forever.

Any advice or help is appreciated!

Oh well-water under the bridge now-I hate him. I wish he would just sign the kids over and leave us alone forever. I have felt this way at times too. Even offered my H everything in the bank to just go away one time.

Sad, glad you hoped over here. This board is slow on the weekends but these ladies are wonderful and can give you some help. MB hugs to you and your little ones. {sad}

Sad,
Sorry you are going through this. I filed 3 weeks ago. Don't be surprised if your filing brings some clarity to your WH. It might. Not that his clarity has to mean anything to you. Feel your anger, do what you need to do to protect yourself & your kids. One word as I feel I'm in your situation also, just remember that your kid's Dad is their Dad; he is part of them, and they will resent you if you keep him from them. I know it can be tempting, but if he loves them and they love him they do need each other. I have nearly bitten through my tongue a few times, but I do not speak negatively of my WH to my kids and accommodate him seeing him as often as possible/practical. I see your kids are still very young, but even the little ones need to bond with you both, and love you both. I'm not trying to harp on this with you today, just can't help myself...
IMHO, get a good attorney if you haven't already; not an aggressive one necessarily, but one that knows your family court system and what (s)he is doing and what you can expect to happen.
Also, just prepare yourself that his generosity and sorrow and "willingness to do anything" probably won't last very long once you take a stand.
I would think a paternity test will be in order down the line. You probably should act hastily in this state of mind, but filing a legal sep or divorce will set up the child support and get a legal/financial necessity rolling. In our state it takes 6 months for the D to be final w/ children, and for good reason I think. So sorry this is happening to you.

Well, you've taken teh perfect first step by getting support for your kids set up first. Good girl.

READ everythign on this site, not just the forums. There are some great tools here for marriage building AND marriage REbuilding.

Breathe, get soem rest. Focus on takign care of your health so that you can take care of your kids. Try to get some form of daily excercise everyday...even if it's just a walk around the block. It will help to keep you mentally & emotionally sound.

YOu will need to be as rational as possible during a time like this so that you can make choices & decisions that will be in the best interest of your family.

Remember also...........you do NOT have to decide to get a D right now. You have time for that.

I am going to bump up some threads for you newbies to peruse. THey offer some great advice for getting started making your way through this crazy infidelity maze!

hugs, Hugs, HUGS!!!!!!!!!

xoxoxox
kt

Just re-read my reply (yes, I had proofed it!) - goodness knows I meant to say that

you should probably NOT act hastily in this state of mind!!!
I did not mean to say ACT HASTILY!!!

Goodness, hopefully you can maybe get a chuckle out of my typo on this bad day for you...

Thanks everyone for all the advice. I want a divorce SO bad right now-I can't wait to go talk to the lawyer Mon. WH has already called him and we are going to go together and start the process. I am going to write everything down on paper before I go so I can remember it all. I just don't want to be tied to him in anyway when the OC is born. I don't hate the OC-it is just a baby-and it has the same blood that my babies do-but I do hate OW and WH right now.

As for WH and my kids-he sees them every weekend. I work 2 12 hr shifts on sat and Sun and he comes here to my home and keeps them. At the moment he is living w/ family (or w/ OW-who knows) and he said he would agree to keeping the kids here only for now. I don't want them anywhere near her. He calls about them everyday and I try very hard to NEVER say anything bad about him to them-although they are young. I have to take the high road-and even more so now that a baby is coming. My kids are gonna be all excited about a baby and I can't put them in the middle so I have to let them know it is ok to be excited........oh well.

Anyway-thanks for everything guys! I slept ok last night-feeling like I am back at the beginning stages again, which sucks. I really don't look forward to seeing WH today-but he wil be here a little later......UGH.

Thanks again!

I do not see a need to tell your children right now about any child.
I wouldnt count your chickens before they are hatched so to speak if you know what I mean.

I am so sorry for you I know you are disappointed in your husband for allowing this to happen.
I know that you feel stabbed in the back by the betrayal and now there will be a living being someday to remind you of the adultery/infidelity.

I can only say I am here for you and that never say never, emotions run high at a time like this. Look deep in your heart and go with what you want. If your desires are not the popular choice so what, you take care of you and your family. No one will go out of their way to make you happy so you must do it for yourself.

I am always a supporter of doing what you want to make you happy and it is not fair for you to dedicate your life to creating a home only to have someone come knock it down, fight for what you want always!

Good luck Monday. Sounds like you're doing a great job with your kids; good for you at a time like this, especially!
Don't be surprised if using the same atty doesn't work out, it's worth a shot. Also him doing his time w/ the kids at your house... worth a shot, and I TOTALLY TOTALLY TOTALLY have been where you're at fearing that he will take them around the OW if you don't let him "use" the house for their time together. My atty did advise however that this scenario is where she often sees the most problems come up - he's in your home (your only private place probably, which you need a sanctuary at a time like this) and you are not... she pointed out (and I have experienced) this is when the call ID logs, emails, mail, bills, phone messages, computer histories, new items purchased, library books checked out, journals/diaries, etc get observed if not outright snooped at. This can cause major friction and problems between you and WH. Even minor changes you make around the house w/o him there get noticed by him ("I see you put deadbolts on the door") , can cause sore feelings and arguments. Just a point I thought I would pass along, not that I have a better solution to it, except to maybe be aware of it in advance.

P.S. Stipulate at Friend of the Court that you don't want him doing his parenting time around OW until the divorce is final. My atty said I could do that, and my WH is in No Contact (I think), so I didn't feel that was necessary to point out to him, but you probably will want to. They don't need to meet her... pregnant.

You are wise, and you will NEVER regret taking the high road.

Thanks again for the advice. I know I am probably not going to be able to keep the kids from OW forever-and it wouldn't be fair if I had a man and they were around him but couldn't be w/ OW and their daddy. But, right now-I have NO man and have no plans to get one-LAST thing I need at the moment!

We just had a LONG discussion/argument/cryfest/etc.....about all the issues. He is agreeing to the child support. By the way-and I am being nosey and only those that want to answer feel free to-how much child support do you get and how many kids do you have? I asked for 900/mth but he ia agreeing to 800/mth which is fine-we have 2 kids. Anyway-he is really wanting me to reconsider letting him take the kids-but I am afraid if I don't put it in there then he will take them around OW. I told him if I am comfortable w/ it later I will let him but I need it in there for now-and he says he won't take them around her until I am comfortable so why have it? I don't know what to do. Maybe I can have it in there that as long as they are not married he can't take them around her. I don't know what to do. He says he feels like a prisoner here-he can't take them anywhere and they just have to sit here. I understand that-but I am so disgusted w/ the idea of her touching my kids-although she used to keep them for us sometimes........the whole situation is sick.

Anyway-you all have given me lots to think about-keep the ideas coming!! I need them-I have NO idea about any of this.....so I am a rookie and don't want to get burned.

By the way-I live in NC.

Sad if you don't know what your state guide lines are for your state, then I'd go to your county website and look it over. Your state statue will have it out in black in white. It would be worth your while to check that out.

In our state it would be 25% of H's income for 2 kids. But as NTMO said every state is different. You really need to research your states guidelines. As far as not having the kids around the other woman, that's harder. I think that's something he would have to agree to unless she's been violent or you could prove she's not fit in some way. I have just braced myself for the fact that day may come that the baby will be around OW, although it makes me sick. I don't really think she would do anything to hurt the baby.

He may or may not end up with OW, and I think you can at least require that they not be around her until the D is final. As far as child support, it is based in our state on his income, your income, and # of children, as well as day care if there is any and health insurance. There are relatively accurate child support planners by state online - google "Child Support Calculator North Carolina" and see what you come up with. Don't agree to less than the court would give you. You will probably end up at a Friend of the Court mediator meeting anyway to put it in writing, and they can tell you what you would be entitled to so that you can see if he is agreeing to more or less than formula.
It is not healthy for your kids to be around OW right now I wouldn't think. The court would understand that. I would NOT just "agree that he won't take them around her until it's okay with you" - men respond better (my experience) to a contract; something in writing that he can't violate w/o being held accountable. It doesn't mean they will never be around her; just not right now. They have enough trauma going on w/o meeting the "former babysitter" as Daddy's "special friend" IMHO.

Sorry about your situation ...

My xH lived with OW for 6 months ... I kind of knew something was wrong but I could not figure out what it was.
He had been saying he wanted to come back and when he finally said it ... he also said that OW was pregnant and that OW was born 5 weeks before ...

He is not longer with OW, living by himself now ... we are trying to work on our relationship ...

While he was living with OW, I didn't let him take DD to their apt ... he never asked anyway ...
Right now, he comes to see DD three times a week by court... and now that he has a new studio, I'm thinking about letting him take DD overnight ... keyword here thinking

Do not settle for less ... xH pays 17% of his salary, one third of medical plan and costs and one third of daycare. You are going to need it to support your kids ...

My attorney added a clause in the divorce agreement that if at any time I felt that his relationship with OW, well third party, was affecting the relationship with xH and DD, I could take him to court ... that has not happen and I do not think it will but it gave me peace of mind ...

For a while I also felt that I didn't want him to have any relationship with DD ... his lost ... but his lost was also going to be my DD lost ...

Thanks Mily-it gave me some things to think about. We go Wed morning at 11 to the lawyer's office. So far WH has agreed to pretty much everything. He agreed to the money, waiting 1 yr before we discuss taking the kids around OW-so he will visit w/ them here for now, he is carrying insurance on them for as long as possible, he is signing the house and possesions over to me (He can take anything he wants before he does that-but doesn't want much), Any major life altering decisions on our kids can be made ONLY by us and w/ both present, and some other minosr issues.

WH called and left me 2 voicemails today. the first one he sounded like he was crying and barely holding it together-talking about the lawyer. The second one he called to tell me the exact time and to tell me he hoped the kids were doing well. He told me to type everything up and when we go see the lawyer we will sign it and notarize it there. Oddly enough I feel very little pain over all this-I just feel a little bit of panic until I get all this in writing and legalized. I feel as if this baby is coming tomorrow and I won't have time-although it isn't due until July. I feel pity for WH b/c his life is so messed up now....but I can't help it. I also feel a small sense of guilt-for some reason I have a hard time not blaming myself-and I don't know why. I know it is crazy but I feel as if he is getting nothing out of this-does anyone know what I am talking about? I never thought I would want a divorce this bad-but I do-I can't wait to be finished-then I can breathe.

WH also says he doesn't want to take the kids anywhere right now and that he knows they will have to adjust to it gradually. He has been very good about being w/ the kids here and doing everything I ask. I realize it is unreasonable to never allow him to take them overnight-especially since he has always been a fit father and has always gave me the money I needed and watched them anytime I ask. That is why I ask him to give me a year and then we would go from there. I just hope we can do this easily and nicely-for the kids. We both love them-and I don't want them to feel torn or traumatized over any of this.....I want them to get through this as normally as possible. So far-we have agreed on mostly everything and have tried to do what's best. We both love the kids and want what is going to be easiest for them. Just hope it stays that way.

Sad and Tired Mom, I can totally relate to your last post. I also feel sorry for H because he feels so confused, but I have to keep telling myself that he made the decisons that put him in this spot. H and I are also getting along, we were unable to file for D yet, but I wish that I could have. He was very emotional the day we went to the lawyer also, and I had a hard time understanding it. Hang in there, and I hope it all works out for you.