I got a call last night from Cat (silly me, had expectations of a nice Valentine's chat ) accusing me of coming to our house while she was at a concert w/ the kids and using our computer. I, of course, denied it because I wasn't there, then get, "well why was this file modified at 7:40 and this one modified at 8:40 if no one was here" blah blah blah. Basically had to defend myself with no proof other than a video store receipt just a couple minutes after the 8:40 file, plus she thinks I'm using a snoop program on her system. I've admitted downloading WinGuardian at work but have and will never install it.<BR>1) How can I reassure her that I'm not using a snoop program? I've sent her the WinGuardian instructions so she can look, but there are other programs. My word isn't worth much, I guess.<BR>2) Does anyone else have trouble like this? She even broke into my work email (we have access through the internet) using my password to monitor my emails with the OM.

Just in my defense <BR>I *did* apologize for accussing you and said I was wrong.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Caterpillar (edited February 15, 2000).]

Why do you need to reassure her of anything?<BR>She's gonna think what's she wants no matter what you say or do. Why do you care anyway what she thinks of you? You know you did not snoop that's all that matters.<BR> <BR>If I recall your story you and your w are separated so she can continue her affair w/o interference? So how do you feel about her reading/posting to you?<P><p>[This message has been edited by T_d (edited February 15, 2000).]

Wow! Get into the middle of a heated argument....<P>Well just because I can....<P><BR>Why don't you two just stop having things to hide?<P>Even if there is snooping going on. (Which I'm not saying there is) It will subside with a little bit of earned trust. Honesty, understanding, NO SECRETS. (Well if you want you can keep the cut of your underwear secret...leave em guessing on that one. )<P>And that's the bottom line cause stone cold says so... Hee hee hee

No offense Beth, but if we didn't have anything to hide we wouldn't be separated or be posting to this place. LOL<P>I guess the main reason I posted was to see if there was anyway I could reassure Cat that I wasn't monitoring her 'puter, other than my word and the actions I've taken.

No fair everyone editing their posts. <P>Cat is right she did apologize. I appreciate the apology but could have used it last night when I couldn't sleep. Oh well. Plenty of time to sleep when I retire in about 30 years. <P>T_D I appreciate the comments but need to clarify a couple of things. We mainly separated to stop attacking each other. Not getting a lot of rebuilding done. Course that makes it easier to communicate and see the OM, but I think I'll have a better chance to save things this way.<BR>I have to reassure her that I'm not taking extraordinary measures to snoop. I'll read her email if I can, but won't go to the house while she's not there or hack into her Yahoo accounts or monitor her keystrokes. One of those huge LB in her book.<BR>Lastly, I posted because I need a forum to vent/talk and she is more than welcome here too. Plus, we get to communicate more, which is always a plus.<BR>Beth, what if you're not wearing underwear? <P>

SparkyDog,<BR>You can have her look in the registry if she is brave enough. She needs to look in HKEY_LOCAL_MACHINE, unedr there she needs to look in SOFTWARE and under there there is a list of all the software that is installed on the machine. You will need to know how the company installs its software such as name etc. to alleviate her fears.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

My point exactly sparkydog. She's not working on the marriage. It was more of an admonition to her. Stop hiding, start working. Obviously that's not what she wants. I don't know that I'd go out of my way to reassure her you weren't snooping. You know you didn't. It's her own guilt that's causing her paranoid behavior. If I've read plan B right it says you leave her with a warm impression that you're willing to try to meet her needs, but if she's not willing to at least meet certain guidelines (like giving up the affair) then you cut yourself out of the picture. (Stop letting her cut her cake and eat it too.) (The need for privacy so that she can continue being dishonest with you and engage in counterproductive behavior is her taker talking.) I know this isn't easy. If you really do want to reassure her you weren't there, Some programs update themselves periodically and leave a modified time. If her computer was left on that would be my guess. If she knows anything about the registy (as professor said) there are ways to get the information she needs. (My understanding of the regisry is limited though so I can't help you there.)

As I read this it struck me, I didn't think you were snooping, I thought you were in the house while we were gone. That is why I called and asked if you had been here.<BR>I was wrong, I apologized.<BR>

Beth and Rob,<BR>Thanks for the registry info, but we had some problems w/ our registry due to a virus and I'm sure Cat doesn't want to bother checking there. She knows about the automatic updates now and that is what brought about the apology so hopefully she realizes I'm not the covert sneak she thinks I am.<BR>Beth, unfortunately I'm not ready for Plan B because I did a crappy job at Plan A, so that is why she is still waffling between the two of us, at least that is what I assume. So I have to make sure she realizes I still love her, want her back, and to do that I have to Plan A my little broken heart out. <P>------------------<BR>Allen<P>sparky_dog_mb@yahoo.com

Hey cat,<BR>Give him a chance...<P>If you have some time check out Harville Hendrix's books as well (Getting the love you want, keeping the love you have.) His basic premise states that every partner we pick out is going to hurt us in much the same way that our first has (and our parents have so it's a bit freudian) We unconsciously seek partners with the same basic character flaws. You've got a good chance at happiness with sparkydog. He understands some of what has happened to your marriage, and from what I can see is willing to grow. That is a rare trait in partners. Give the other a rest for awhile. You'll never be able to fully work on your marriage while the OM is in the picture. As for the in the house bit. Don't sweat it. It sounds like sparkydog has accepted your apology, and you don't need to defend yourself to me or anyone else here. What ya say? *prod, prod, prod*