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Joined: Oct 1999
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My story is wife having an EA with OM who is Mr Mom across the street. Lot's of signs point to more such as long phone conversation, condems, etc. All this is met with denials.<P>Now he is getting divorced from his wife and at somepoint is going to have to move. Should this be good or bad news? I can think of more bad then good. Like they are up to something and doing some planning

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zip --<P>Sorry to hear that things have shifted to the worse. <P>I read some of your update of sorts on Wex's thread re:snooping. Th condom discovery sounds pretty scary. The fact that "Mr. Mom" is divorcing doesn't sound favorable to you. But, if she has agreed to talk with Harley, perhaps you may be reading something into it.<P>I agree with you that she must break off all contact. Perhaps that will get better if the OM moves away. Perhaps it was also his own wife that drew the line in the sand, forcing "Mr. Mom" out of their house. Perhaps, too, "Mr. Mom" was hoping to "get lucky" with your W, and your W rebuffed him.<P>Theories all. But the fact that she'll talk with Harley appears to be a good sign.<P>Good luck, protect the kids, and keep us posted...<P>--keystone

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back to top...<P>Any updates, Zip?<P>--keystone

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zip,<BR>Unless your W is talking divorce, I wouldn't necessarily take it to be bad news. If she is then she will more than likely get to see what it is like to be cheated on. My W has learned this on more than one occasion: with first and eighth affairs. She still hasn't learned that if they are willing to cheat with her particularly when they are married that they will not be faithful to her.<P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net

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Keystone,<P>A couple of answers to your questions. OM's wife was in a serious Plan A with both OM and my wife. She was doing everything she could to save her marriage. Needless to say she is pretty upset right now.<P>My wife and I had a big discussion the other day about him getting a divorce with a 5 month old and 4 year old. I said he was a coward for walking away from his family. She said she admired his strength for walking away from something that he felt was not right. I think that comment told me a lot about what she thinks.<P>When I talked to Harley he kept talking about a pure Plan A. I have seen NSR post about his Plan A and I must admit it is the toughest thing to do when you know someone is not being honest with you. It is even tougher when you get the mixed messages that I do from her. Sometimes the hugs and kisses seem real. Other times they don't.<P>So what we really have is someone who is on the fence. I must admit that sometimes I also feel like giving up and starting over. I guess these are natural feelings that all of us on this board must have. I guess it is almost like when you make the decsion to leave a job. You don't talk to people that like their job or are staying. You always find someone who does not like it and is also leaving. I guess that's what happens in a marriage.<P>I guess we can also be judged by the company we keep. When we where younger our parents always worried about who we hung out with for good reason. I think the samething applies in a marriage. <P>As Harley says I need a plan. Whatever that is I need a plan to move forward. Right now this limbo stuff is killing me. Keystone, Wex and everyone else who has been there I know your pain. I asked Harley why do we all work so hard to make our marriages work when someone is telling us they don't love us like they should. He said speculation that the person will fall back in love with us. Thought that was interesting.

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Hang in there. The feeling of uncertainty remains one of the biggest fears we face.<P>My wife is being named the OW in a divorce and yet she is in denial of what is and has been going on. So like you, I'm scared that she is planning on going with the OM when the divorce is settled. Yet, I'm going to continue with my Plan Pick-a-Letter until she knows and I know where we are going.<P>Rob's comments does give us some light in this circumstance.<P>Prayers and thoughts are with you, your wife, and kids.

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Zip --<P>Sorry to hear things aren't going as you'd hoped. Pretty interesting observation by Harley, though. "Speculation" is what's driving all of our actions these days? Scary thought.<P>I also like the parallel between the company we kept as kids, and that which we keep as adults. I notice that my W is hanging out more with the divorced, divorcing, or single group. Until recently, we didn't have any divorced friends. All were couples. Oddly enough, these aren't old friends that have just recently fallen into marital trobules. Instead, they are new friends. She seems to be finding friends who share her recently found perspectives. Kind of like your wife, who views the OM's plight a bit differently from you.<BR> <BR>The limbo stuff is killing all of us. Sympathy may love company, but I know none of us wants to be here. I guess we've got to just ride out our respective storms, though.<P>Hang in there --<P>--keystone

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Keystone,<P>I think one of the things that is the hardest for me through all this is how my wife keeps trying to convince me that nothing is going on with her and OM. It fact she can be very believable at times. This drives me crazy because I often feel like maybe everything she says about what has happened in the past is our reason for being here. You know the drill, did not pay attention, listen, selfish, etc.<P>They must become very good at it to take the attention away from themselves. Becoming disorentated is a real killer along with all the lying and betraying.<P>

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Zip --<P>It starts to make you wonder if our W's are working just as hard to convince themselves that nothing is going on, or is it simply their way to keep us in the dark.<P>I've grown to a point in my life where I'm not asking anymore. I'm starting to live my own life, do my won things. If she wants to be a part of my life, the door's open -- for now. But, I'm not going to pine for her anymore. I just don;t have the energy or patience anymore.<P>Sad, but true.<P>--keystone

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Bad, Zip. I'd say OM's upcoming divorce definitely looks bad, I hate to say. If you weren't in Plan A, I'd suggest that you tell her something like, if she's planning to run off the OM, it's really not fair of her not to tell you. But that kind of confrontation would definitely be a "lovebuster," according to Harley.<P>So I'd suggest that, since you're already in Plan A (and it's a good thing you're also working directly with Dr. H. who's had good success with members of this forum), stick to it at least until something changes in your situation. (BTW, I used to think that Plan A required some sort of prior disclosure of the affair on the part of the betrayer, but I guess not.)<P>I think Plan A can even extend into separation and even, possibly, divorce itself. So that doesn't necessarily mean the end of it.<P>Just a quick update on my own similar situation. W and I talked about separation and divorce at some length yesterday. We are splitting at the end of June when our lease runs out, moving into separate apts and filing a legal separation agreement. (This is required in our state 6 months prior to being granted a divorce.) All her idea, of course, not mine.<P>Like your W, mine also just denies and denies her affair when I mention it. She's so positive in her denials (but gets way TOO angry) that, like you, I sometimes wonder. But I have absolutely 100% proof positive evidence that she's having an affair, and whenever she denies it, I just think about all the incriminating evidence.<P>Regards, blessings and best wishes for success with Dr. H.<P>--Wex

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Thanks for the comments. Yesterday was a tough day for me. It was a really nice day here in the Midwest and everyone was outside, including OM. OM's wife was in the park with her son and he came over to play with my kids. She came over and you could feel the ice between my wife and her. She left in tears and left her son there.<P>I probably said somethings that I should not have. But hey I can only have so much patience, which is beginning to run out on both our ends. She was going to talk to Harley though I am not sure that she has done that yet. You know sometime the longer this stuff goes on the more things build in all of us. I sometimes wonder if Plan A and Plan B really have that great of a chance for success. Or are we all just wasting our time. <P>I tell you if you hang on this site long enough it can become really depressing. It seems like there is hardly any good news out there. It makes me really thing about how messed up peoples marriages are.

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Talked to Willard Harley on his radio show today. He is a good guy. Told him the whole deal about wife etc and her denials about her feelings for OM.<P>He said if someone said you stole something and did not how would you react. In most cases you would try and logically work through a solution as to why you did not do something. He said if you did you would get angery and defend yourself. So I guess we have an answer on the friendship.<P>He also said that most affairs burn out over a period of time. He said the problem is that most people are already divorced by then. He gave me the usual Plan A and B stuff. He said when you are married you should go into it thinking that someone might have an affair. He said it is all too common.<P>He did not recomend taping anything or hiring a PI. He says it will have to die it's own death. Says my wife feels a loyal to OM more then me. Asked me to call back to provide an update, which I plan to do. I guess this is all stuff we already knew

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Zip - Interesting what Dr. H. told you. This is a good thread (painful as I know it is for you). At least it's helpful to me because of the similarity of our situations.<P>I think he's right about someone who's been accused of something reacting with anger if they actually did it. To me, that's the clincher on my W's affair. That every time I tell her that I know she's having an affair, she blows up. I think if she weren't having one, she'd probably get a good laugh, just the way I do when she starts wondering if I'M having one (not). Regards and blessings,<P>--Wex


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