I haven't been around these parts in a couple of weeks, but my lovely wife dropped the bomb on Easter Sunday when I returned from a trip to Lake Placid with my boys that she is not pursuing a legal separation, but a divorce. I was beside myself and nearly on the verge of a nervous breakdown and self-destruction. It was awful. We had a mediation meeting scheduled for Tuesday but now it was for divorce instead of separation. I went into it emotionally unstable and lost my head. Now the thieving lawyers (my apologies to the lawyers out there) will get involved. I can't believe she would want to move this quickly. My outbursts and anger led her to change the locks on my house and get her family enraged at me. I am spiraling lower and lower and lower. Some of you familar with my situation recall that I had a 4-month affair with younger and beautiful OW whom I met at work that led quickly to love. My infatuation led to Discovery Day on Jan. 14th after I left a trail and had a behavioral change at home. In the ensuing weeks, we tried to recover, my wife was definitely in Plan A, but I waivered through depression and withdrawal and resumed contact. She found more email. I was not all there and needed a lot of help. We eventually separated, she wanted protection for the kids, I understand that, so mediation was the next step. Then the divorce bomb. <P>Meanwhile, once out of the house, I broke off with the OW after the first week from the advice here and everywhere as well as my will to return home. I was hoping the good would shine through and maybe the trust would eventually return and, just maybe, I could come home to my family some day. It was worth a shot. That was until Sunday's Missle Launch. I am completely devasted.<P>After Sunday, I have contacted the OW and she is worried about me and us. I am not the strong man she fell in love with, I am weak. Since the latest and fourth breakup, she has focused on other parts of her life that don't involve me. I am now on the verge of losing her too because of all Love Busting I have done with her (breakups, etc). This is where I am at. Very, very low. I have been seeing a counselor and so far, he really hasn't helped me. After a month, the Celexa hasn't really worked for me and the side effects were terrible. I am seeing a doctor this morning. Yesterday morning, suicide was my only friend. Today isn't so bad.<P>According to State Guidelines (Massachusetts), with my salary, years of marriage, age and number of kids (3), I am required to give my wife $436 a week cash. I have to survive on the rest (I gross about $60K). This is before the lawyers start to p_ss on each other. I have nothing. I can stay in a room at the family homestead which a brother now owns (my parents are deceased), but I may slide down to the depths of booze and drugs, being in my home town, a blue-collar Boston suburb, and living at the House for Middle-Aged Wanderers. I am scared, nervous, depressed, enraged, guilt-ridden and lonely. I used to be a wonderful, happy, love-life kind of guy. I am now a miscreant. Life s_cks and then you die. Thanks for listening. I will probably be moving over to the divorce section of this forum, but I will check in here occasionally.

Hi Cman,<P> I am so sorry for your pain, it jumps off the page.How long does a D take in Mass.? I think you need to call Steve Harley asap whether you have the money or not....he will help you, coach you on how to behave, what to do and even if the big D is inevitable how to make a plan for reconciliation. He might want to talk to your W....Please call him, I am worried about you......LU

I think it stinks how they expect you to give that much money. <BR>How much does your wife earn?<BR>does she really need all that money?<BR>and if this is american dollars that likes about $800-$900 nz dollars a week thats about twice the average wage here!!!<BR>do they consider your expenses?<P>i hope someting works out for you

I am wondering, if you really love and are IN LOVE with your wife. Since your wife asked for divorce because of your philandering the fist thing you do is go to your back up OW. That doesn't show love. It shows you as a middle-aged man, who is accostumed to the security of his home-life with wife but wants the excitement of the OW. It shows a middle-aged man that is STILL a child that needs to be taken care of by Mommy, but since Mommy isn't around you have to use someone else as the replacement. It shows that you were really not ready to leave OW and work things out with wife. Because the first thing you did when the times got tougher was run to OW to see if she is still available to you. Basically, you'll take which ever woman takes you back first and then you'll make yourself love them because then you aren't alone. Even if your wife did take you back, you would eventually have contacted OW as soon as things became comfortable for you at home again. You post screams it.

CMan2<P>I am so sorry about what happened to you...I can relate to how you feel. I too use to be a happy lover of life. There hasn't been much to smile about lately. I had some hope that my marriage could work and the marriage counselor told us the marriage was dead. Not very encouraging words. <P>Please continue with the counseling. I know life doesn't seem worth living at this point, but it is. I felt like throwing the towel in last week, but somehow I got my second wind and so will you. Think about your children; they need you. I am sure there are a lot of people who love you. Take care of yourself.<P>LS<BR>

CMan:<P>I am so sorry for your pain. <P>Life will get better for you. I wish you well in whatever path you choose. I am glad that you have turned away from suicide. <P>Please post back here and let us know how things go with your divorce hearing. There may yet be more chapters in the story of you and your beautiful wife. But whatever happens, know that you are a good person and keep making good choices.<P>Best wishes to you. --HBC

C2man<BR>I am really sorry for your struggel, but one thing you must realize is Behavior = consequenses. Actions and words must go together. If you want to work on your marriage then by all means do some of the things The Harley's suggest and start with the "Letter" and NO more contact with OW.<BR>NEVER, ever Ever, no matter if your wife and you ever get back together or not.<BR>At least you are on this site so I believe there is a ray of hope for you both. <BR>All can be forgiven but It will take ALOT of work. Not only by you but also your wife.<BR>Remember she is hurting to. <BR>I too remember when H was going thru withdrawl, but at the time I didn't know that was normal of ending an affair. I let my guard down and he resumed the affair. <BR>Now we are headed for a Divorce, something I really don't want but he seems to think he shouldn't be forgiven and there are too many bridges to cross.<BR>I can not change how he feels, and since we are not even in the same state it is hard to work on. But I do believe he is not with anyone at this time and that I think will give us both a chance to evaluate our situation and be able to move on with our lives seperately if we must. <BR>You can still pay support and still work on your marriage, it will show your wife the MONEY is not the reason you want her back.<BR>Two households will be hard to maintain and no one will be the winner. Trust me I'm living it.<BR>Good Luck and I really hope NOT to see you on the d/d site.<BR>

bijzonder,<P>What do you mean all that money?!! She gets to support 3 kids on $436 a week, and he gets over $700 to support just himself. I realize that the $700 is gross, not net, but he will probably get to take the kids as exemptions so he will not end up paying much in taxes.

Correction. With my deductions for health insurance etc. I will be lucky to see a net of $250-300 a week, with no potential for savings, no room for unexpected expenses like major auto repair. A one bedroom apt in this area is about $800 a month. Sure, there are cheaper crackhouses. My wife will not have it any easier, I know that. This is a one-household income in this location of the country and that will have to support two households. Of course, I should've thought of that before, but us betrayers have all heard that. It just happened. I really wish I could turn back the clock. Hindsight is 20/20. My wife can earn up to $15K a year along with my child support. It is not about the money. It's about a 13-year old that is heading for major league problems. I am going to be there, somehow, for him and his siblings.

CMan2<P>Divorce is awful...I am going through it as well and it's not fun. No one wins unless you have a ton of money, which most of us do not have. I have two kids to support and my H only has to pay a bit over $100.00 for two. He's elated. We are separated but living under the same roof because we can't afford two separate households until we sell the house. It's depressing, but since I am the filer of the divorce papers, I won't complain..the other option is to stay married to someone who has been pretty lousy. Sorry, I'm regressing here. <P>I realize things seem bleak, but eventually when your emotions settle down you will come up with solutions. If your wife doesn't work, she most likely will have to eventually. <P>Also, keep in mind that just because she files for divorce...it's not over until its over. I think you messed up calling the OW. Don't take offense, but from reading your posts...I get the impression that you are in love with the OW...I don't even know you, but it isn't a mystery that you still are hung up on her in a big way. I bet your wife sees this. Be honest with yourself. You can't help how you feel, so figure out what it is you want. One thing is for sure, you can't have both. I'm sure the OW has figured this out as well and that is why she told you she is concentrating on other things. It's not fair to her either to be going back forth like a ping pong ball. Take this time to be good to yourself, to look inside yourself to see what it is you need to do. Only you can do that...no one wants to start over at mid-life, but lots of us are doing it either by choice or because of circumstances. I know I was drowning in depression and sadness, but one day I decided I had enough. This is what has happened...I did my best and here I am. I don't like it, but I have no choice, so I can either make the best of it or wind up damaging myself more with destructive behavior. I choose to try and climb out of this hole I have dug for myself.<P>You can do it too. You really need to figure out what you want and to do that you need to be honest with yourself even if you don't like what you find. I wish you a lots of luck and positive thoughts. <P>Take care...<P>LS

Agreed. Contacting the OW is probably a mistake. I was weak, reeling from the impending filing of Divorce, despondent over my bad behavior, depression like I have never experienced. I felt there was absolutely no hope and I had no where to turn, I was suicidal, I even had a plan. In hindsight, if I didn't see her, it is a good guess that I may not be here today. I was that close. In that respect, maybe it wasn't a mistake. She did give me a couple of dope slaps and made me think of my kids and others who do love me. I just need to get my sh_t together. I just worry about my kids. They are in excellent care with my W, as she is a wonderful mother, but they need me. They adore me, and now I'm not around, but I will be. I must move ahead on that for now. They are confused and angry through no fault of their own. I went to my playoff hockey game last night (we got eliminated in the finals), but I walked in the locker room looking like death and indicated that a day earlier I was close to it. I looked at a teammate who is a divorced father of two and you could see he'd been there. He assured me I'd make it, but he was there. It is a living hell. So hellish that unless you are wearing the shoes, one could never fully understand. The lack of support for and the guilt of the betrayer can be more painful than the agony felt by the betrayed. Folks, just look at you and say, "well, you caused it, so enjoy".

Cman:<P>I see a lot of self pity, and a little concern for your wife and kids. But no plan.<P>Grow up. Take responsibility. Here's your plan:<P>1. STOP THE DAMN LOVEBUSTING. You should still be fighting for the marriage. Making an [censored] out of yourself in front of your wife and all the lawyers was a bad idea. Contacting the OW demonstates untrustworthiness. ENOUGH!! I would suggest that you insist to your wife that you want to make things work, and start "walking the walk". As Lu suggested, get into counseling with Steve Harley. The money you spend there is sure as heck a lot cheaper than this divorce will be.<P>2. Be patient with your wife. Don't ever offer excuses. Apologize. Tailor your behavior to mesh with the idea that she will give you a chance. Be most concerned for her welfare, and that of your kids.<P>3. Stay away from the OW. Duh.<P>4. Talk to your doc, if the meds aren't helping.<P>You can get through this, potentially with a reconciliation, if you work hard. But you need a plan, and you need to stick with it. Consistantly. Give Steve a call---he will be able to help you.

CMan, I was also a betrayer, so I had those feelings that you're going through, and I even came close to committing suicide. Honestly, I went through several months after ending the affair of having all of those feelings...guilt, despondancy, complete depression. But you need to really dig down deep and decide what YOU want, and stick to it. If you want your marriage, you FIGHT for it, not give up and NOT treat your wife like you have, obviously. Don't be unfair to your wife by floundering around and keeping the OW available in case "things don't work out". That's cruel and immature, and you obviously know this. Sorry, but you are going to have to exert a 110% effort now if you want to even start making reparations from what your actions have caused. You know that your wife and kids are worth more than that effort, but it's up to you to decide if you're willing to do it.

Don't give up, CMan. Don't ever give up.<P>I understand your wife's pain. She trusted you once and you backslid--it's going to take A LOT of convincing before she believes your sincerity. <P>If you want your wife back you need to take some action. I'm not sure what you need more, a hug to let you know that you are an okay person or a kick in the behind to remind you that this isn't all about you, so imagine getting both. <g><P>Next, stop worrying about the money. It's going to suck for a while, but you're a resourceful guy and you can make the best of it. So you need a one-bedroom apartment because...? Find a studio. Or find some room mates. Stop eating in restaurants. Brown bag lunches are your friend. Remember what it was like to be just starting out? Dust off those memories and use them.<P>Now repeat after me, "I will not call the other woman." Period. Ever. She is not the beautiful woman that you lost. YOUR WIFE IS!!!! You will never win back your wife until you believe that.<P>(Of course, if you don't believe that, then cut your losses and run. Ignore everything I said if you don't believe that your wife is the most wonderful woman in the world.)<P>Finally, rteach out instead of drawing in. Stop bemoaning the fact that your wife won't take you back and give her one good reason why she should. Then give her two. Then give her another two. The fact that she can live in a nicer house married to you doesn't seem to be high on her needs list. Focus on her. <P>Good luck, CMan. Whatever you decide, stick to it, and reach out of your pain to help someone else. That's the best way to help yourself.<P>All the best. --HBC

Cman,<BR>Please go back to your posts and notice how many times you use the word "I". <BR>I know this is hard, but true love is based on "you", not "I".<BR>We all want to feel loved and wanted. Why not start today making your family feel that way regardless of the outcome. You might be surprised at how they will respond to you--IF you follow up your words with ACTIONS and do it CONSISTENTLY.<P>I'll be praying for you and your family.