God! I need help.....I have been married for 20 yrs. to a wonderful man. I found myself involved in a internet affair and then meeting over a two yr. period. I have fallen in love with this man. I have even left my husband and tried living with this Lover but for many reasons returned home! I have no idea why my husband would tolerate that? But he did! In so many ways I wish he would just abandon the idea of continuing this marriage. I have tried no contact with my lover but find myself getting in touch with him again and again! Is this Love? Affairs are no fun ! If I could end this I would....seem to be stuck! Any suggestions?

Trisha:<P>If you can read a book objectively, I'd suggest that you read Harley's "Surviving an Affair". The bottom line is that the affair is very similar to a chemical addiction, but it will not create a stable long-term relationship. And if you end it, and you and your husband are willing to work on changing your marital behaviors, you can end up with a marriage that's far better than your "affair fantasy" has been.<P>It's not love. It's addiction. Subsitute "lover" with "crack cocaine" and you'll see surprising similarities.<P>The phone counseling through marriage builders is terrific (888-639-1639), and I would highly suggest that you try it to help get yourself "clean".

Thank you but I have read that book ....Is Love an addiction ....How is that different from the love you have with the person you chose years before? <BR>Some how that isn't real clear for me. Is it for anyone? I have my doubts.

When we were children, how many times did we find ourselves obsessing about something? It could be a new bike, a cute girl/boy, a zit, getting a date for the dance, or whatever. It was our whole world. <P>Looking back, how much does that matter now? I know. I know. Love is different, right? But not really. <P>The things we give our energy to consume us, but there is always something else that can take our thoughts away and bring life back into balance. <P>I used to obsess about what my H was doing, what he planning, what he was thinking. Then I got on with my life and started to see that there were a whole lot of wonderful things I was cheating myself out of because I just didn't have time for them in my head! My thoughts had been too consumed with my H. Now, things are far better balanced. I can think of him without pain or obsession. <P>I know that sounds really simple, but most things in life are. We just have to get out of our own way and do the right thing.<P>So, what am I saying? I am saying I don't think this is love. This relationship is meeting some need for you that you can find in a healthier and more real way. If you take your nose out of the computer long enough to look around, I would bet you can find a way to meet that same need right in your own backyard.<P>I think you are afraid. On some level, I think you know that this internet thing is safe, so you can put all kinds of energy into it without risking much. But what happens if it becomes life? Real life can't live up to whatever you have created.

Trisha,<BR>You said it yourself<BR>God I need help, If I could end it I would.<BR>Unfortunately this is just like quitting smoking, dieting or sobering up. You just make the decision and DO IT.<P>Now, I am not so naive as to believe that this is EASY. But obviously all this "Love" over the past two years has made you miserable.(Affairs are no fun!)<P>I'm praying that you will make the right decision.