Hmmm...still getting use to the forum and posted under creative affection...wrong!<P>I would like to know your thoughts about how to show my H that his sarcasm is hurting me. For the last few weeks, every time there is a touching scene on TV or in real life my husband gets sarcastic and cynical. Last night a couple got married on TV and then the wife died and of course the husband was broken up about it...my husband scoffed and said "what's your problem buddy, don't you know there are other fish in the sea?" I was visibly upset about this but he does not seem to get it. It appears to be his way to barb me at times without directing it toward me.<P>He also has stopped telling me he loves me. I asked him about it and told him it makes me very sad. He said that he does love me and that it makes him sad too, but he continues to hold back. If I ask him if he still loves me, he tells me of course he does.<P>I feel guilty at times and don't want to push things. I am grateful that he continues to work on our marriage.<P>We took the emotional needs quiz and affection and conversation were my #1 and#2 areas. he has tried to be more affectionate and I am enjoying his attention. How do I make him realize that I need to hear from him that he does love me. This was a major hole before that I believe pushed me in the direction of the A. I felt he did not love me anymore and that he was going to leave. I guess I thought I would beat him to the punch line.<P>Please give me your thoughts on how I should proceed. You all have such great insight and I am desperately trying to improve my marriage.

Starry-eyed,<P>I don't know you story, but it sounds to me your H is very hurt about something and is covering his pain with sarcasm. You mentioned that he is trying to meet your needs, but do you know his needs? Are you trying to meet them?<P>I am operating in the dark here, but the sarcasm you mentioned sure does seem like he has been hurt, or feels neglected or something along those lines. If you read here and it seems that you have to some degree, Plan A is a good approach to get the marriage rolling. It is designed for recoverying from affairs, but actually it isn't a have bad idea not matter what.<P>Sorry, I cannot be of much more help right now.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

I am trying to meet his needs, although sometime I feel like I don't know where to start. His top 5 were - honesty, family commitment, admiration, affection and sexual fulfillment. Honesty is probably the one I have fallen short on most often. We have 5 children from a blended union and I am always trying to cover for mine cuz I don't want them to look bad in his eyes, but I feel his expectations are a bit high...my kids are normal, experimenting with life but do not respect his parenting. this is partly due to their father who tells them this is so. My husband has gone from being sweet, understanding and telling me that kids will be kids, to sarcastic, what goes around comes around and constantly spying on them. This is also how he found out about the A. He installed a program on our computer to forward anything mailed to him. This has caused a lot of distrust in the family and a lot of discontent. I used to be in the middle all the time and then I got tired of it and went off on my own. We see where that got me! Now he has backed off the kids because he has seen the effect, but it is still a big part of his daily life. I don't think he even sees it.<P>As for family commitment, we left home at the end of June because he had been forced on a trip at work. He is in CA until the end of Sept. Because we were in the throws of turmoil I quit my job and followed him out here to assure him that I want our marriage to work out. My 17 and 20 year old daughters are home on their own and the 17 year old is beginning to hate me because I once again chose my husband over her needs. Sometimes I feel like I cannot win.<P>I am very affectionate to my husband and our sex life is very fulfilling. As far as admiration goes, I think he has always had a self-esteem problem and he has never believed that I saw anything good in him. We have been together 12 years. The first 7 were wonderful. then when my daughter turned 15 and started being a wild girl and I started trying to protect and cover up for her things started falling apart. I believe I never understood that he felt like no one cared about his opinions and I see know how hard it must have been. We have always communicated, just not heard each other.<P>Any suggestions on how I can satisy his need for admiration would be appreciated.

starry-eyed,<P>You have two thread going on the same topic so I will repeat some of the same things you are hearing from other people. I have children of comparable age as yours. One thing you should realize is that they will be gone soon and you will still be married, hopefully. <P>I know this is hard to understand,but your H feels that you have chosen the children over him and have lied to him because of this choice. You have further compounded this by having an affair and lying to him about that. You know all of this, but what you may not really appreciate is that he knew something was wrong, before the affair was uncovered, that is why he put the software on the computer. So it is clear that other needs where also being neglected during your affair. And he was aware of this loss of connection with you.<P>You felt that you were in the middle between your children and your H. That was a serious mistake on your part. You should have been on your H's side, unless there was abuse involved. Parents know more about raising children than the children themselves. Had you been on H's side your exH would not have been able to undermine things so well. If your H has high standards, so what. It won't hurt children to be trained to be something better the mediocre. <P>Now off of my soapbox. You have several issues going here. One your H doesn't trust you and he shouldn't. He has serious doubts about you being a good wife and obviously has concerns about your mothering instincts, since you would rather lie about a misbehaving daughter that face the tough issues. He of course feels that you don't really love him but you are doing this for your sake not his. Your final problem is that he is reacting with sarcasm that really bothers you, and rightly so.<P>So first please read about the Plan A, approach to things, then please read about the 4 rules of a happy marriage. You will see where things have fallen through the cracks.<P>Now my unprofessional suggestions. Sit down with you H and decide how you are going to raise these children. Agree on it and stick with it. If you two are returning to them in Sept. get this major hurdle straightened out now.<P>Next, talk with your children and explain to them why you left to be with H. You didn't indicate whether they knew about the affair or not, but they are old enough to understand why you did this. They need to understand that they are getting to the age, where they are not the center of your universe. They will be leading their own lives soon. You need to convince them that you and H are on the same page with regard to them and that you both love them.<P>Then you need to tell H how much the sarcasm really hurts. Yes, perhaps you "deserve" the sarcasm, but it is hard develop loving feelings with this going on. Now he may be aware of this, but he is testing you to see if anything is true right now. You know if you can't trust what you hear, most people will do an experiment to see if it is true after all.<P>Finally, and most importantly, you two need to go to counseling. We can help here, but no one responding to you is a professional.<P>Well, I have carried on long enough, but think about what people are saying. Keep posting and asking questions, and have hope this can be worked out successfully.<P>God Bless,<BR>JL

JL, <P>Boy do you know how to hit the nail on the head. You have touched on some very emotional issues with us. I realize how much I have screwed up letting my kids rule my life. I guess having lived an abused life, I wanted my kids to have more options than I did and I set them up for failure along with my marriage.<P>What you say is true. Just how do you change how you have thought and lived all your life. This is my problem. I have always been aware of my shortcomings, just not sure how to stop living them. I have always tried to rationalize things away. <P>Thank you for your thoughts. they will motivate you more than you know. <P>Before we came to CA for the summer, we were in counseling. We plan on attending joint counseling when we return. There is lots to improve.<P>I will try to let him know how his sarcasm is hurting me. I guess I hate a confrontation myself. But it is better than stewing. For all I know he has gotten all my postings on his computer at work and knows anyway.<P>thanks for your input. The 2 threads were because it never showed that it posted the first time. I would delete one but am getting different input on both of them.<P>God bless you for sharing. Starry -eyed

Starry-eyed,<P>You ask how do you change how you have thought and lived for your lifetime. Well it is easy, Yeah right! Really it is easier than you think.<P>First, this will require your H's help, I think. Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement, POJA, here. Do so. Then sit down with your H, tell him just what you have told me, what you think now, what you would like to change about your approach. <BR>Then the two of you decide on the approach that you will take.<P>You have already made the hardest part of the change happen. You realize your errors. After that it is down hill. <P>I know I am making it sound easy, but it is easier than you think. What is really really hard is admitting you were wrong, or at least went about it wrong.<P>You see, all parents want their children to have it better than themselves. That is normal. Now where it is difficult is how to do this and in determining what is better than you had it. <P>Let's say you want your child to go to college, but you also want them to have fun in high school. You let them play in high school and don't really pressure them to study, because your parents did that to you and you resented it although you needed good grades for a scholarship. Now your kids are happy, but they cannot get into the college they want although you and spouse do have enough money to send them. <P>This is a long way of saying have you really given them something better than you had. NO!<P>I always view all of this conflicting feelings in a sports analogy. If you snow ski, the best way to keep from falling or sliding on a steep slope is to lean "away" from the slope. You natural tendency is to lean "toward" the slope. However, gravity and force laws always work, so leaning out puts the edges into the slope better. Same in golf. If you want the ball to go high, you hit down on it, not up on it.<P>Kids are kind of the same way, tough/down on them early often makes them fly high later.<P>You can change these things Starry-eyed. You can't repeal the past but you can change the future. Use you H and produce a united front that you both can live with.<P> Oh! and by the way, in my opinion there is a reason raising kids is team sport. Dad's and Mom's do view things very differently and play different roles. Most often the Mom wants to nuture the children and really hates for them to leave. The Dad on the other hand often takes the role of getting them ready to leave and face the "cold cruel" world. <BR>Children really need both nuturing and training. At your childrens age the training phase should have started.<P>I'll get off of my soap box again. Please do think about the changing. You are growing and learning and it is little wonder that your view of things is changing. I'll bet it is a bit more aligned with your H now.<P>By the way, sometimes people here find it very useful to print out these threads and show their spouses. Often by the writing and the responses, messages are more clearly conveyed.<P>Hope this helps a little.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Starry-eyed:<BR><B>I guess having lived an abused life, I wanted my kids to have more options than I did </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>This sounds very, very familiar, it sounds exactly like my wife. She sometimes lets our kids get away with murder. This probably causes your husband, as it does me, to be viewed as the "bad guy". You and your husband should be a united front. High expectations and discipline is not a bad thing for children, it's a lot worse than letting them run the house and do what they want. I may be a little old fashioned, but I don't believe that families were meant to be democracies, they were meant to be dictatorships, with the parents the dictators..........OK, I'm a lot old fashioned. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Just how do you change how you have thought and lived all your life. This is my problem. I have always been aware of my shortcomings, just not sure how to stop living them. I have always tried to rationalize things away.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Boy o' boy does this sound exactly like my wife. I will tell you what I have been telling her for years, what our therapist told her when we were in therapy........If you know what your shortcomings are, there is no big secret on how to stop living them, you simply get rid of the justifications, the rationalizations, all of the excuses and you simply <B>DO IT</B>. Some people go their entire lives never figuring out their shortcomings, therefore never bettering themselves as people, if you know what your shortcomings are, you are half way there, get into therapy, be open-minded, get rid of the fear and just do it. <P>