Dear Sheba,<P>I was beginning to feel overwhelmed by the isolation I've experinced through this. But I feel differently today.<P>I heard a very good talk by a motivational speaker on self esteem. Among the points he made, was this one: <P><BR>that it's not what the other person says (or in my case does) that causes our self-esteem to go down, but what we say to ourselves afterwards. For ex. if he said to a lady in the audience that her hair is green, she won't feel hurt because she KNOWS that is not true.<P>Though I have never had formal "counselling", I know I have dealt with these issues, so I was surprised to have them "in my face" again. I believe that this is what I've been telling myself, "My h, the man I've loved for ten years tells me I was not meeting his needs and he wanted someone else. My parents and step-parents who have given me more reason than not to think I am garbage and don't deserve love must have been right after all."<P>Realizing that this was the source of feeling like I was drowning in the past again has freed me tremendously.<P>I can change what I say to myself. I told my h that I have been blaming myself for his affairs and it is not right.<P>Fact: we were not meeting each other's needs.<BR>Fact: he's a major conflict avoider and I WAS overly sensitive to criticism.<BR>I can now accept these facts without blaming myself for what he CHOSE to do.<P>I want to know if I want my h.<BR>I want a real basis for building a new relationship.<P>I believe now that I wanted to believe it was all my fault for not meeting his needs. That way I can "control" it not happening again. But this is not true. I believe that he has to understand better why he went down that road in order to safeguard in the future. I do not believe that I am "safe" even if I am doing a stupendous job meeting his needs (nor does he).<P>I thought it would help me to share some of what was bothering me from my past, but I think I'll delete it now...ok?<P>Sheba, thanks again.

Hi Schizzo -<P>No, absolutely not OK to delete anything!!!!<P>It is all part of your story...all a part of what has formed who you are so far........it is all very important!!!<P>I printed what you have written and will be back tonight (have to finish chores - yuck!!!!) with some thoughts......<P>Just didn't want you erasing anything.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - am very glad that you had the realization that you did!!! YAY!!!!<P>Good points of what the facts were ma'am!!!!!! Should be shared with H, I would think!!

Sheba,<P>Waiting for you to come back...<P>Sorry, but already erased the abuse stuff. I don't want to compromise my anonymity. My friends and family are all on the 'net. Some know about the As, some about the abuse...<P>I'm listening to tapes on self-esteem by Jack Canfield, great stuff!<P>I wonder if, at least for now, it's not better to press on rebuilding self-esteem and working through "Life Strategies". Many counsellors have their own agendas. If I began working with the wrong one, I truly believe it could do a great deal of harm...

Hi Schizzo -<P>Well, if you feel better with your abuse references erased, then that is what matters!!!<P>Sorry that I didn't get back that night. Things don't go as planned for me lately - other people have a different agenda!!<P>Wonder if I ever will get to do what I want someday!!! LOL!!!!<P>I still haven't read what I printed out as carefully as I want to, I will get back on it if I think of something.<P>It's a great idea for you to work with your self esteem issues right now.....absolutely!!!<P>I think that enhancing what you are doing for yourself with perhaps talking to a Harley would enable you to deal with the self issues AND the marriage issues and goals on a day to day basis.<BR>One shouldn't go by the wayside while your focus on the other!!!!<P>What do you think?<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>