You are one amazing lady. I finally saw the updated story (was looking on page 2 LOL), and replied to you.<P>I've been thinking about something you wrote me not to spend too much time going back into the past.<P>I've always lived more in the past while my h lives in the future. So I know it is a very real risk that I run by continuing to analyze the past so much.<P>And yet, I am revamping my entire life, not just my marriage. I'm discovering patterns that I've mindlessly continued that are terribly destructive. I'm not just spinning in the past. I'm going through Phil McGraw's "Life Strategies workbook" and purposefully exploring the past. Sort of like therapy on my own.<P>How will I know when it is time to close the door to the past and look forward? I am training myself more even now to focus on the future. I mean I'm so bad, it's even hard to plan dinner for tonight. The future just does not exist at the level of my feelings.

Hi Schizzo -<P>Oooooh I am just starting the Life Strategies Workbook myself!!! You been talking to Lori too? LOL!!!<P>It's not a question of letting go of the past.....it's looking at it to learn how to improve the present and future.<P>You don't want to live in the past or to carry the "bad" things with you as baggage.<P>We all need to put things in a healthy perspective for ourselves. To do that, you need to discover all the dynamics of what has happened, what needs to change, what YOU can change and where you want to grow to......<P>So, you can't live in the past and H can't forget the past....you BOTH have to learn from it and improve upon it.<P>Does this help?<P>BIG HUGS,<P>Sheba<P>PS - You will know when that is done when you start to feel happy and not so overwhelmed with "thinking" all the time!!! Right now, you are in thinking mode.<P>Each issue you resolve, each positive change you create and each sliver of understanding you accomplish bring you closer to feeling good about yourself and life. <P>Careful not to let it encompass you - you must balance the retrospection, learning and growing with day to day living. That is key!!! Take time to not "think" during the day. Let yourself laugh and enjoy what and who is around you..... <p>[This message has been edited by Sheba (edited September 21, 2000).]

Sheba,<P>Yeah, Lori recommended the book, I read through it sort of doing the assignments, then started the workbook homework.<P>It is tough to pull away from thinking so much and live some days. In fact, that is why the travel I've done with the family has been so good. It has forced me to take breaks from "figuring it all out".<P>I guess I just have to let it take as long as it takes (and take breaks each day). As I started into "Life Strategies", I found so many damaging patterns of behavior in myself. I thought I had dealt with the past, but it has come back to bite me big time.<P>Just like he wanted us to "move on" with the marriage (thought it was a waste to talk about his affairs, then was very unwilling to start meeting my needs (but couldn't say why), now I think he feels I'm being so introspective and should just "get on".<P>Yes, I have to keep living, enjoying it and keeping up with two little ones. But I can't just "get on" - in which direction? with him or without him? forge a new career now?<P>I have so many questions and no answers, but I DON'T WANT TO GET STUCK HERE, so I keep thinking...<P>He was the only one that had ever given me any emotional support so his betrayal cut very deep. I even contemplated suicide while he was with her. This was before d-day, but he had been telling me for a couple of weeks that he was unhappy with me and wanted out.<P>Sorry to be so heavy. I have hesitated for a long time mentioning the abuse here. There is always the stigma of being thought pretty worthless, but we have all been through a lot.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited September 23, 2000).]

Hi Shebe and Schizzo,<BR>Is the Life Stratagies Workbook in conjunction with Relationship Rescue? I just ordered the latter but was told the workbook wouldn't be available until October. Maybe we are talking about 2 different books?<BR>Thanks for the info.<BR>Ronnie

Hi Sheba and Schizzo,<BR>Is the Life Stratagies Workbook in conjunction with Relationship Rescue? I just ordered the latter but was told the workbook wouldn't be available until October. Maybe we are talking about 2 different books?<BR>Thanks for the info.<BR>Ronnie

I'm here just 'cause I'm nosey!! Good girls, working on my favorite book!!! We should start a study group or something!<P>And Schizzo....glad you let that out on the board. I think that's a big step, Honey, and I'm very proud of you.<P>Now, Ronster, we're talking about 2 different books and I love them BOTH! I started with "Life Strategies" last winter, for me, 'cause I really didn't think Robert was coming home. It's the best Plan A I could ever describe...talk about some blasted personal growth!!! I highly recommend it, even before you work on Relationship Rescue, which, btw, I recommend as well. If you tackle it though, give it your all and I'm warning you, some haven't been able to take it when they did it right (me, for one, at first...takes an awful lot of resolve to look at yourself that hard). At first it seems like he's picking on you, but there's so much HOPE that comes out of it all. Life I said, great book, best I've ever used.<P>Hi, Sheba! Didn't want to leave you out!!! But I'll talk to you later.<P>Lori

Allright, I've gone this far, I will really bare my soul. Lostva, still there, hon?<P>For years I have asked myself why? I'm so ashamed of this, yet at the same time he was the adult and my father.<P>I think there are deeply ingrained behaviors that I learned as the only way to survive and get some "acceptance". I had NO emotional support from my mother.<P>Now, I'm trying to decide whether I want my marriage. I love my h, but don't know where any of this is going.<P>Just like he wanted us to "move on" with the marriage (thought it was a waste to talk about his affairs, then was very unwilling to start meeting my needs but couldn't say why), now I think he feels I'm being so introspective and should just "get on".<P>When I told him I would like personal counselling, he said no. I'm not sure if this is due to his distrust of the profession or the thinking "that we don't need help".<P>I could just say I'm going anyway, but I'm living my life by POJA. Or does this apply? If I needed medical help of a different sort, would I not go?<P><p>[This message has been edited by schizzo (edited September 23, 2000).]

{{{{{schizzo}}}}}<P>I don't have a ton of advice here. I'd suggest that if he was OK with the two of you working with Jenn, that maybe you could start working with her individually (although I don't know that this would suit you, or whether Jenn has the background to help you).<P>He might be afraid that if you got "better" that you'd leave him.<P>

Jenn told me once she only did marital counselling. I don't think she would be the one to handle this.<P>I just wrote him an e-mail, attempting to bring him "on board". I often forget how "visual" he is. I can tell him something 20 times, the written word means more.<P>Do you really think he may be afraid of my doing too well? He does have many of his own insecurities, even wanted OW to leave med school to come live with him.<P>Boy do I need someone who is not threatened by my reaching my potential. It's scary knowing he may not be that "someone", but I must go forward.

schizzo:<P>I think what he *could* be worried about is that you end up with a counselor who wouldn't be supportive of your marriage. That you picked a *bad* man similar to your step-father or father.<P>I could also (very likely on this one) be completely off-base. <P>There's nothing wrong with him feeling threatened about you reaching your potential. Change can be scary. But that doesn't mean that even through his fears, he can come along for the ride and support you.<P>

Cindy,<P>I am so sorry for what you had to endure. things like that have a way of sticking around and gumming up the works for a long time. If you want to get cousneling, by all means I think you should get counseling. Keep trying to persuade your H to be agreeable to it, but at some point you have to do what is best for you regardless.<P>I suspect the incident with your 'real' father was because that was how you learned to interact with a 'father-figure'. Don't punish yourself for it. He's the one who should have known better and your stpefather should have known better and your mother should have provided support for you. You haven't failed anyone. They have all failed you.<P>Do whatevr you need to do in order to heal yourself. Hopefully your H will discover that if he supports you during this healing process, it will bring you closer, not further apart.<P>Best wishes to you.

Yeah, Hon, I'm still here, just checking on you. How're you feeling? I'm home if you need me. You did good.<P>I really think you NEED this counselling. The things that happen to us as children do color our lives. I can understand his fears, there could be so very many of them, but I do believe that, if he chooses to do so, HE can be the one to walk with you through this door, helping you to heal from the past forever. That's a very special place to be.<P>Talk to him again. He loves you. He wants you be be whole and happy - with him, of course, but he does want that for you. He can help be the one who takes you there.<P>Luv ya, and still very, very proud of you.<P>Lori<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by lostva:<BR><B>Talk to him again. He loves you. He wants you be be whole and happy - with him, of course, but he does want that for you. He can help be the one who takes you there.<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Lori, you got me crying again. I sooo want to believe this...<P>

Lori,<P>That mail I sent you is gone from my dumb email account. Didn't save either. But here's a link to the story I told you:<BR> <A HREF="http://www.dearpeggy.com/mfwedding.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.dearpeggy.com/mfwedding.html</A> <P>They are 24 years in recovery.

Sheba, I don't think you've been on MB, have you? This thread is going, but where?<P>K, I left a message for Steve. I remember that he does personal counselling.<P>I think face to face might be better, but as I started going through the phone book and calling, I realized I can't do that right now. I don't have the time or energy to go "shopping" for the right one.

schizzo:<P>I was wondering about what you said concerning Jenn and marriage counseling, becuase Steve basically said that he tackles "personal" counseling to me. He probably does cognative behavioral stuff---although you'll have to ask him.<P>I had a "quickie" session with Jenn this morning, to check to see if I'm on the right track. She basically said "yeah", and went over some global stuff that she and my wife are doing together to resolve some "lovebusting" issues (heaven forbid---I thought I was <B>perfect</B>). She's made the comment (and repeated it) that she wants to keep me on the "periphery" in regards to counseling; that she's basically my wife's coach. And she told me that if I've got detailed stuff, I should discuss this with Steve.<P>It's just a family plot to rule the world in marriage counseling, I tell you...<P>

K,<P>I don't know. I called and Lori said they only do marriage coaching. I would like to counsel with Steve, though. Jenn spent the bulk of our time with my stubborn hubby.<P>My h told me to listen to the confidence tape he gave me, and that I can get where I want to go (changing behavior) without digging so much. Don't know, but I will take the tape to the pool and listen to it.<P>He did agree to counselling, but it has to be a female (except Steve ). He says he knows men and they are pigs.

schizzo,<P>I agree with your hubby that if you're primarily interested in behavioral changes, that you probably can do it without digging too deep into your past. I'd give Steve a try and discuss what you want to accomplish, and see if he's willing to work with you. If it's got anything to do with marriage, then I'm sure he's game.<P>Oink oink...<P>

I'm so glad that your H agreed to counseling. I disagree about digging deep though. sometimes you have to stare that pain in the face before it will allow you to let go of it. I'm doing that now and I think I'm coming up with a few good ideas for the direction I want the rest of my life to take. (I just posted about it under EN "What I want to be when I grow up").<P>I think a female counselor would be better for you anyway, especially when you consider the issues you will be talking about. I know I would feel more comfortabel talking to a female counselor about that.<P>Best wishes to you.<BR>

Hi Schizzo -<P>I have popped on quickly a couple of times and keep getting interupted. People have come by cuz they want to see for themselves that I am as good as I sound after the divorce!!! It's funny!!<P>I agree with the counseling.....not sure if it should be male or female - more concerned with the quality!!!!<P>I printed this thread and want to talk with you more about it, but am not exactly sure what you are trying to accomplish right now.....<P>Are you looking for a starting place that you and H can be as you begin exploring the traumas you have endured?<P>Are you wondering if you want to be with H?<P>Are you trying to come up with a plan of some kind?<P>Clarify for me if you can......<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba