|
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 551
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: Jun 2000
Posts: 551 |
My H was born and raised in South Carolina. He is relatively self-centered, and does not show any emotion. He often says that it's a "Southern Thing" - that you were raised not to show your emotions and that men were men, and that anger was the only emotion that you could express. I am a West Coast girl, and even though I spent many years in South Carolina, I still have a liberal mindset. Every female friend that I had down there, during the time that the first affair occured (Columbia maybe the biggest city in the state, but it's still a small-town mentality, and gossip spreads through there like wildfire.), said "hon, all men do it - as long as he comes home to you, look the other way." I would say that it was a load of crap (sorry I couldn't put that less eloquently! ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/grin.gif) ) I mean, if it were ME having the affair, I'd be the town tramp! It's like the saying, if a man sleeps around, he's a stud; if a woman sleeps around, she's a slut. Personally, I think it's ridiculous and old-fashioned, but my H likes to hide behind it.<P>He sent me a letter regarding his lack of emotion and our waning sex life. This is what it says:<P>Dear Alana,<P>I know you do not get many letters from me, so I figured I'd write and try to tell you a little about my feelings. Plus maybe this will show you just exactly what you mean to me.<P>When we go to bed at night, I enjoy so much just having you there beside me, holding you. I know that you want more out of our sex life, but to me I feel that sex is a special bond between you and I and that if you put pressure on that bond too often then it will break. I don't want sex to become just another routine thing in our marriage. Plus as I have become older, I have realized that there are other things more important in my life than sex. For this, I am sorry and I will try to improve our sex life.<P>You made the comment last night that you felt as though you did not know me. I really do not know what else to tell you. My life has always been a very complicated turn of events. Most people do not even know much about my life. I have always felt that the more people know about you, the easier it is for them to hurt you or use things against you. It isn't as if I am this way intentionally, it is just second nature for me to be this way. I have been this way my entire life. I hope you can start to understand this and love me just as much as you can.<P>To try and get some understanding about me not being able to show emotions. Let's see, that is going to be difficult. I was raised with the understanding that men do not show emotions. I can remember times when my father would spank me and then tell me not to cry. In the Navy, I was taught that emotions show other people weakness about yourself. I never really talked to my parents or anyone for that matter about how I was feeling. In the Navy, I was taught to channel those feelings into anger because it was an emotion that would cause the body to react in a way that in some situations would save your life or the life of a team member. To you, this probably sounds stupid, to me, it is a way of survival. I am sorry if you do not understand. I wish I knew a better way to explain it.<P>I want you to know that you and Michael mean the world to me. I could not ever face life if I did not have you by my side. I love you with all of my heart and nothing in this world will ever change that. If I ever had to make the decision to die so that you and Michael could live, then I would do it without any hesitation or second thought. Please try to understand. <P>Written with all the love I have to give,<BR>Thomas<P>*******<P>That letter really did touch me, because that's the most emotion I've ever seen him express. The sex part still bothers me, since it was during his affair that our sex life went downhill (they went at it like bunnies, but he can't make love to *me*). <P>It hurts being in this situation - I do love my H, but I hate being shut out of his life because that's what his culture taught him. Can anybody else relate or give insight?
|
|
|
|
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299
Member
|
Member
Joined: Dec 1999
Posts: 1,299 |
Hi Carolina Belle,<P>I am a Southern girl married to a true Southern gentleman, and he sounds a lot like yours.<P>However, I can honestly tell you that it is not exclusive to the South. Many men, perhaps even a majority, have some of those same qualities, i.e., believing that expressing emotions indicates weakness, holding a double standard for sexual promiscuity, etc.<P>You feel that your husband is shutting you out, but he thinks he is being strong and protecting you. There has to be some common ground for compromise. Are the two of you in therapy? I am living proof that it can make a great difference in overcoming these problems. My husband has expressed some of the same beliefs about sex that your husband stated.<P>It's like this, Carolina Belle. Some men, ours included, believe that they must ALWAYS be in control. I don't believe that my husband has EVER fully 100% let his guard down for anyone, including me. Some men believe that completely letting themselves go, even sexually, makes them vulnerable. And they see vulnerability the same as weakness. Some men also subscribe to the theory that you should always leave the woman wanting more sexually. And let's not forget that old Southern expression, "I'd rather want something and not have it, than have it and not want it".<P>Also, don't forget that many men see two distinct kind of women- the kind that are wives and mothers and the kind that are basically just for sex. It is not unusual for sexual problems to first appear in marriages after the first baby is born. The formerly sexy lover is now somebody's mother. This has been well publicized in the marriage of that ultimate Southern man, Elvis Presley.<P>There is a heck of a lot of stuff going on inside of men that we don't know about and will probably never understand. They don't even understand it. I wish I could be more helpful, but believe me when I tell you that many others are facing the same kind of problems.<P>Peppermint
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 10,060 |
Belle - I consider myself a southern gentleman, and I am not of the stereotype you suggest. Many southern men may be, but I was raised to respect all ladies in the genteel southern tradition of honor and honesty. I believe, though, that it's determined more by the individual than the culture, you all.<P>WAT
|
|
|
|
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284
Member
|
Member
Joined: Aug 1999
Posts: 15,284 |
Hi Carolina Belle,<P>Thought I would offer my opinion of your statements. First, I went to college in SC and grew up in the military. I have lived all over this country and some other places in the world.<P>I believe you will find that many men are raised with this attitude about showing emotions and weaknesses. Even more interestingly, I have encountered many women who are very uncomfortable around men who do shows emotions. It is not a southern tradition, but it is common in the South because in my opinion the South has a deeper appreciation of the military and its values than some other parts of the country. And the military training definitely stresses controlling your emotions and not exposing weaknesses.<P>Having said that you will find the same training of men on the west coast where I live and raise my children. So the lack of opening up is not unusual.<P>As for the men doing it and the women not. Hey, that is as old as man and woman and that attitude is common all over the world. Has been for 1000's of years. Europeans have it. It is common in Asia. Try the Latin lovers? Hey, when it comes to this attitude, American men are considered Wimps. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>I do think the letter was very nice. I also think that the sex issues will sort themselves out. Why? Because he did mention being aware of them. He heard you. I suspect his affairs, have left him very quilty and uncertain about how to proceed. But I suspect it will improve now that you two are communicating.<P>By the way, did you appreciate something about the letter?? I hope so. I suspect your H finds it much easier to put his feelings and emotions down on paper than to actually say them. You might want to think about that. It appears to be an avenue for you to get him to open up. Write to him. ![[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]](http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/images/icons/smile.gif) <P>Sorry to ramble, but I thought you thread was very interesting.<P>God Bless,<P>JL <P>
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 183
Member
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 183 |
I too am married to a Southerner. He shows no emotion other than anger towards the women in his life. <P>He has never opened up to anyone emotionally. He knows this and admits that it is a defense mechanism. Supposedly he's working on this with his therapist. He also says he has opened up more to me than anyone in his life. I guess that's supposed to be of some sort of consulation to me, but it really isn't. <P>We've been together for over 5 years now. The only people I have ever met are his grandmother, his mother, and his stepfather. He was at his last job for over two years, and I never met the people he worked with until he had been there for two years. He's been at his new job for 9 months now. With the exception of someone that works there that I went to school with, I didn't meet anyone there until right before I found out about the affair. <P>He now says he is trying to "acclimate me into his life". He says his "two worlds are colliding now and it's a good thing, but will take time. This is a giant step for me."<P>The logical side of me accepts this, and is very happy about it. It's very hard to have an affair when your spouse is completely involved in your life. Then the other side of me, I guess the emotional one, says it's been five years already. I'm sick of taking time, get me in your life and do it now. I've been to his job 3 times now in the past six weeks. Unfortunately, I still haven't been inside. I get to sit out in the car and wait for him, and he'll choose one or two people to come out and meet me. Bugs me to no end.<P>But, I guess I've waited this long, I can stick it out a little longer as long as there is continued "progress".<P>
|
|
|
|
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283
Member
|
Member
Joined: Jan 2000
Posts: 14,283 |
<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>He has never opened up to anyone emotionally. He knows this and admits that it is a defense mechanism. Supposedly he's working on this with his therapist. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds like my H (a Texan). But, I think it is a pretty common defense mechanism regardless of geography.<BR>
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 36
Member
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2000
Posts: 36 |
IMO geography has nothing to do with it.<BR>My H is form CA and he has a very hard time expressing his emotions. He has an even harder time admitting his needs and desires. I guess that is why he had an A in the first place. <BR>He is, however, learning that in order to stay faithfull he MUST be totally honest in everything. If he isn't honest than he can't tell me what he needs. I am NOT a mind reader and he has to tell me what he needs.<BR>So have hope that the old habits of a WS can be changed if they really are commited. Be patient it takes a lot of time to change old habits. Also be prepared to change some of YOUR old habits if he makes the changes you want.
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045
Member
|
Member
Joined: Apr 1999
Posts: 3,045 |
Have to agree geography likely does not play a role in the closed emotion dept.<BR>I am also a western girl, through and through. I found it interesting that all the affairs my h had were with southern women, except the reflames from high school girlfriends and a few overseas one nt stands. Is promiscuity accepted more in some areas in the US, just as it is in some cultures? There appears to be a culture involved....and it is sure one I want to stay away from! (ps-no offense to southern women intended)
|
|
|
0 members (),
427
guests, and
39
robots. |
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,620
Posts2,323,484
Members71,942
|
Most Online3,185 Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|