FHL and Marie, I wanted to thank both of you for some of your insights. Since my H and I have separated I don't post much, but I do lurk to see where people are at.<BR>Marie in one of you recent posts you said:<P>Forget about OW...it was NEVER about OW. It has always been about what is/was missing in your H.<P>YOUR H DID NOT CHEAT BECAUSE OF WHO YOU ARE, but because of WHO HE IS. <P>Think long and hard about that statement. <BR>Reverse it. Did you stay faithful to your marriage vows because of who your H is????---NO, of course not, most likely you stayed faithful because of WHO YOU ARE. <P>I have copied those statements to my desktop and read them through out the day. No matter how many times friends and family reassure me, it is so difficult not to blame myself; not to constantly search out what I did so wrong to deserve being treated so badly. Is there a worse way to reject a person than an affair? A louder way to say "you aren't good enough"?<BR>Your thoughts help me to focus on what the real issue is, and to stay out of the self-pity trap.<P>FHL,<BR>I just read and copied your statements this morning. I wish I could show what you've written to my H (but I am done asking him to read things, done hoping he will try to figure some of this out). I really think you are on the mark here, especially your last sentence:<P>Could it be that when you look at your life as a whole, you started to think differently about it? I mean for the most part thing have been pretty much the same since kids, but at some point you started feeling dissatisfied, stressed, like you were missing out? Then when you started looking at your marriage with this new filter, man those unmet needs started jumping out at you. You started losing respect for your marriage and your wife. Then you ran into opportunity and everything mushroomed. Is that how it happened? <P>. . . it is my belief that it is more about how someone starts thinking differently about his situation and breeds and nutures discontent, disrespect and dissatisfaction and at the same time stops GIVING emotionally to the relationship.<P>Thanks to you both - I hope others will see the truth in these words also.<P>M.

Thank you for the kind words. It follows that if we replace good thought patterns with the negative thought patterns, good things will happen.<P>I hope you find this to be true, as well. You know the last time my H and I spoke about his affair was 1/1/2000. Before that it was months. In fact maybe six hours in all. It would have better for me to talk through it more, but that wasn't going to happen. Still my H's actions were congruent, so it all worked out.

Dear Duesoon:<P>Thank you so much for taking the time to let me know that I was of some help to you...<P>...your thoughts warmed my heart.<P>Peace, ~Marie<P>------------------<BR>"If you cry because the sun has gone out of your life, your tears will prevent you from seeing the stars." ~unknown