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#893141 11/10/00 12:58 AM
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I know that this is going to sound strange but I just thought I would post it and see what I got in responses.<P>I need to find a good diet plan that really works. I am 5 feet tall and weigh right around 170 pounds. I feel I need to lose about 60 to 70 pounds to have my H more attracted to me. I have gotten to the point where all I want to do is starve myself and lose the weight that way but would be forced to eat at least one meal when I was at home with my H.<P>There is a woman my H works with who is skinny and very attractive. I would love to be able to look like her and be able to put on the tight jeans and have them look good. She is having marital problems right now and her H doesn't seem to think that if he should ever lose her she would be able to find someone in a heart beat, even with four kids. <P>I just want my H to tell me I'm pretty and that he wants to take pictures of me in the tight clothes etc. I figured that if I lost the weight I might just get that attention.<P>Thanks in advance for any and all suggestions.

#893142 11/10/00 01:31 AM
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Hi, hopeful. I know exactly what you're saying, and I'd like to make a few suggestions (because I've been there).<P>First, please do this for YOU. It's wonderful to want to please your husband and make him happy, but if you're doing this solely for him, there's a good chance it won't stick, and we want this to be a life change.<P>Second, you can't starve yourself, because what happens is you end up gaining that weight back and more because you've screwed up your metabolism. When you eat less than you should, your body goes into starvation mode and you end up burning less calories with the same amount of food you've eaten before. So, don't do it, it will only end up with you gaining weight in the long run.<P>I think if you can SLOWLY make those changes (diet, exercise) you will more likely be able to stick with them. Start walking and cutting down on sweets, for example. Little things. Then gradually increase your exercise and incorporate weights and fine tune your diet to exclude more of the refined sugars, etc. It's a gradual process..the slower you make changes, the more likely they'll stick, I can't stress that enough. <P>Also, make sure to drink lots of water, this helps with fat loss and also makes you fuller. So I'd suggest...move more, cut down on sugars/fats, and drink water to begin with. And take it in stages, don't become overwhelmed with what you need to do, then in exasperation give up. I know how that goes, I've been there too. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>The most important thing here is to learn to love yourself. Good self esteem (whether you feel you're overweight or not) can make us very attractive. Your worth is <B>not</B> measured in your weight, please remember that. Learn to love who you are because of those wonderful qualities you possess, not just because of the fact you can wear tight clothes. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <P>

#893143 11/10/00 05:30 AM
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Hopeful - apparently the "Infidelity Diet" didn't work for you? I'm male, and went from 145 ibs. to 125 in two weeks. Of course it was a living hell (severe depression), so I don't recommend it.<P>My real reason for replying was to agree with Kayleigh - do it for YOU!!! Whatever it takes!! You're the one you need to please!<P>WAT

#893144 11/10/00 06:40 AM
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Hey, hopeful, I think you and I have about the same figure. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Now it's funny...I'd love to lose some weight, but my H doesn't seem to care. Go figure.<P>Kayleigh gave you some good advice. I don't really have anything to add. If I did, I'd be following it. I've been sick for the last month and missed all the best walking weather. Bummer. <P>The important thing for you is to NOT compare yourself with the woman your H works with is skinny and attractive. You may NEVER look good in tight jeans. Us little gals (and I don't know what your "normal" figure is, but mine is still not the tight jeans figure) have a very hard time losing weight and keeping it off. If we start comparing ourselves with the taller ladies, we're only setting ourselves up for failure. Find the weight that's right for YOU. Mine is around 135, which is still larger than society tells me I should weigh.<P>I think, hopeful, that this is less about you than it is about feeling threatened by this co-worker of your H's, and you feel that if you lose weight, it'll reduce your H's temptation. Do you know for sure he's tempted? Or do you feel guilty still?<P>Go ahead and lose the weight if you want...slowly and healthily (is that a word?). But I think you need to examine your motivations and feelings about this dame your H is working with. Maybe it's time to talk to ES about these feelings and your fears that he might be tempted to do a tit-for-tat where she's concerned...

#893145 11/10/00 08:03 AM
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I highly recommend weight watchers. It really works, you will eat a balanced diet and it is a steady plan.<P>You also have the option of going to meetings or ordering the information and doing it on your own. The meetings are a good way to get support and connect with people in the same situation you are in. It has worked for myself, my sister and my mother. My Husband too!<BR>Good luck. <P>Acacia

#893146 11/10/00 08:43 AM
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I didn't sign up for the infedelity diet but I got on it anyway. I did drop many pounds and H really noticed. I dont reccommend this method at all.<P>Kayleigh gave great advice. I would like to add a few things. Processed foods are high in fat, salt and carbs. Cut those out of your diet. I also cut breads andd pasta. I ate small portions of rice and potatos every now and then. I ate a lot of fruit, veggies and lean meats. Drink eight glasses of water every day. Cut the desert down to once a week or if you have to a very small portion a couple times a week. I found eating several choc. chips satisfied my choc. craving. Also, do some sort of cardio activity at least 3 times per week for 30 minutes or more. You will start to see a difference shortly.<P>cleo

#893147 11/10/00 09:29 AM
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Dazed,<P>I just thought I would post on your question that you said about feeling that this coworker is a threat. I know my H would never sleep with this coworker. I already accused him of that but it would never happen. She is married to a man who constantly accusing her of cheating on him. Yesterday morning she got a call from him accusing her of cheating because her H found a condom in her purse and the condom was for a friend. She was suppose to give the condom to her friend almost a month ago but never gave it to her.<P>My H and this coworker rode into work yesterday, had lunch together and rode home together. They talked mainly about the coworker and the problems with her marriage. She isn't sure what she wants to do (stay with her H or leave him). My H told me that if she ever calls and wants to talk to him but doesn't want him to tell me anything than he won't tell me a thing. I understand that if she doesn't want people to find out what is being said then people shouldn't say anything. But I also feel that she shouldn't expect my H to keep those secrets. I feel that those secrets would hurt us and help her in the process. Not to mention my H and this coworker have a lot in common as far as their pasts are concerned. Not to mention the fact that he's had problems in his marriage and she is currently having problems.<P>I guess maybe I'm just got very low self esteem. I guess I just fear that my H will leave me for this coworker if she decides to leave her H. I know deep down inside this would never happen and maybe I'm still feeling extremly guilty for what I have done. I just don't think I look as attractive as a package as she does.

#893148 11/10/00 09:52 AM
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Hopefull, <BR>Please dont starve yourself. It really will all come back and it will be more fat than muscle so you will be worse off then before. <P>The only way is to eat less and exercise. I try and do it as a positive, I must eat 5 fruits and vegetables a day, I must drink 8 glasses of water, and then I try and control the other stuff. I find it most important to forgive myself when I screw up and to allow myself to go out once in awhile and splurge without feeling its all over. The other things that have helped are a support groug.. I go to TOPS, its cheap and you have to weigh in, or weight watchers, whatever you want. I have tried to do 10 minutes of exercise every day. And I am writting in my journal to try and write my feelings instead of eating to cover them up.<BR>Good luck!<BR>Lora

#893149 11/10/00 10:02 AM
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hopeful: Come on, you've been hanging around here long enough to know what a tinderbox this is. Co-worker with marital problems, talks to your H about them, you and your H have a history of problems -- at the very least, it's sowing the seeds of an emotional affair. And ES ought to know this too. Just goes to show you how insidious this is -- you can come here all you want, but it still sneaks up on you. I'm not saying that there is a danger here, but the potential is sure as heck there.<P>There are two issues here -- your desire to lose weight, and your H's developing friendship with this co-worker. They are TWO issues, not one. By all means, lose the weight. Others here have given good advice on how to do it. But you will still need to address both your self-esteem issues, and this situation developing with ES.

#893150 11/10/00 10:37 AM
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I dropped 20 pounds thru distress 2 years ago...and then I began working out, lifting weights, elliptical glider, stairmaster 3 times a week to make myself a bit healthier. After 6 months I was very happy with both my health & look and changed my whole way of dressing. Now, H has been home 6 months and with not going to the gym, cooking much oftener, eating meals, and a little habit of evening cocktails, I put it all back on. The cute clothes don't fit, I hate the fat clothes that do.<P>Sooo, just this past week I started walking every morning. And, it's below freezing and snowing most days, so it isn't particularly fun, unless you like wet flakes on your face and think snow is *pretty*, but I know it is the only way I'm going to fit into my gym clothes so I can go back there!<P>Oh, yeah and switching a nice cup of hot tea for the cocktail. Same ambiance, fewer calories.

#893151 11/10/00 11:58 AM
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Okay, I'm fast becoming an expert on this subject. I've never really had a problem with my weight until this darn Depo Provera shot - I went from 138 lbs to 160 lbs in 2 months (which at 5'9", I'm still "okay", but not where I want to be).<P>First of all, anybody who says that exercise is "fun" is either lying or a very, very demented person. Exercise is a pain - but I have finally found a club that I can live with, and that gives you results - <I>fast</I>! It's called Curves for Women. It's a 30 minute circuit training workout. I've been involved in weight training for over 6 years, and I circuit training is where you see your best - and fastest results. And at Curves, it's only a 30 minute workout, it's WOMEN ONLY, and it truly does work! Circuit training tones and tightens, and can really define legs, abs, butt, arms, etc. To find one in your area, you can check out <A HREF="http://www.curvesforwomen.com" TARGET=_blank>www.curvesforwomen.com</A> <P>For diet...weight watchers is a good one, although you can feel a little deprived (I have NEVER heard of ANYBODY who can eat just one donut. I have to have either NONE or at LEAST two! LOL!) Personally, the one I have found the most effective is Somersizing, by Suzanne Somers. The only drag about that diet is that you have to give up sugar and caffeine(although you learn to like NutraSweet and diet soda, and she has a FABULOUS recipe for a sugar-free cheesecake) You eat as much as you want, but it's "food combining" - proteins are normally digested and leave the body, carbs are used for energy, and the excess normally goes to fat reserves. If you eat protein and carbs together, it confuses your digestive system, and automatically processes the protein as it would the carbs - to fat reserves! Her books do a better job of explaining it, but I highly recommend it. You still eat carbs (but NOT processed carbs), you can eat what you want. Myself and 6 friends of mine are on it, and we're seeing great results! I highly recommend it.<P>And WATER - 6 to 8 glasses a day - will make a HUGE difference! If you're not a water person (I'm definitely NOT!), you can put a little flavored seltzer water (peach is a good one, the Sams Choice brand from Wal-Mart) in your glass or water bottle to help get it down.<P>Be sure that you're also doing this for yourself though, hon. But as you lose the weight, you will notice a tremendous boost in your self-esteem. If you have trouble areas, you might want to talk to a personal trainer once or twice to see what target methods you can use to change the shape of them. I wish you the best of luck - I'm sure you can do it!<P><p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited November 10, 2000).]

#893152 11/10/00 12:09 PM
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I think it can be considered one issue. If your spouse does not find you sexually attractive, problems are just waiting to happen. A loving mate will not tell you that they are no longer attracted to you, but it happens over time. Everyone needs to be wanted. <P>Over time, I've been on both ends. I am trying to lose weight also. I know its for me, but I find more strength in knowing its for us.<P>I love her not because of who<BR>she is, but because of who I<BR>am when I am with her, but<BR>I guess I'm not sure who I <BR>am anymore. To her, I'm not <BR>what I use to be.<BR>

#893153 11/10/00 12:21 PM
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I have watched my STBX struggle with her weight for years. She is finally down to the size she wants to be, but she still is not happy. <P>My advice to you is to change how you feel about yourself first. If you look at yourself in the mirror every day and say "I'm fat, and I'll never lose all this weight," you will make slow progress, if any.<P>In effect, you need to "advertise to yourself." Look in the mirror every morning and say "I'm getting thinner every day." I know it sounds corny, but billions of dollars are spent every year on advertising...why? Because it works. So tell yourself you're losing weight every day. Leave post-it notes of encouragement around the house, on the fridge, on the scale, etc.<P>Next, you'll need a plan. I don't know if you can afford a personal trainer, but that is the best way to go. If not, join a gym and go, go, go! I'd stay away from big-name places like Bally's or LA Fitness. Many gyms are little more than social clubs. Find a no-nonsense place and go at least 5 times a week. I know that sounds like a lot, but if you want results, you have to work for them, and work hard. Dieting alone will not fit you into those tight clothes! I don't have a real specific plan when I go, but I spend about 30 minutes lifting weights, and 30 minutes of cardio...usually on the bike or stairmaster. And do some research! Buy Fitness magazines, books, and search the net for workout plans!<P>As for diets, the best thing I can recommend is a book called "Diets Don't Work" by Dr. Bob Schwartz. You can try every fad "quick fix" diet out there and gain all the pounds right back. Stick to the produce section in the grocery store, and you can't go wrong. Eat chicken, fish, vegetables, fruits, and just about nothing else! Don't even go down the aisles with snack foods, frozen foods, or "diet" foods. <P>As for eating out, if it has a drive-thru, it's off limits! If you do go to a restaurant, stick with salads, grilled chicken, and steamed veggies.<P>Now, you need to set aside a "cheat day." A day each weekend, or every other week, where you get to eat what you want. BUT ONLY ONE DAY.<P>And last but not least, understand that this will take TIME. You will not reach your goal of losing 60-70 lbs this month, or next month, or maybe even the month after that! I'm not telling you this to discourage you, but to keep you from getting discouraged if you don't see results 3 months from now. My STBX spent 3 years working out, and went through a year with a personal trainer. She lost about 30 pounds altogether, but more importantly, she lost a lot of body fat, replaced it with lean muscle mass, and has lost 7 dress sizes along the way.<P>It can happen, but like someone said earlier, you need to do it for YOU, not because you want to attract your H.<p>[This message has been edited by cjack (edited November 10, 2000).]

#893154 11/10/00 12:34 PM
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Okay I have another question. I understand that I need to eat health and excercise as well. I like my fruits and veggies as well. What my question is how to I eat the health foods like chicken and fish when my H feels that you also need to have the red meats in the diet. You know things like hamburger, steaks, pork chops etc. If we have spagetti I have to have hamburger in it. How do I get around that.<P>Do I do the weight watchers food while my H and D do the meat things? Or do I just not eat the red meats?

#893155 11/10/00 12:49 PM
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One of those "spagetti" nights, substitute ground turkey for the ground beef. I wouldn't be surprised if your H doesn't even know the difference.<P>Steaks and chops are actually ok, if you don't overdo it, but the hamburger has to go. If he's even a little understanding of your need to look better, he should have no problem if you want to eat a salad instead of a burger. I spent months cooking separate meals for my STBX, since I knew how much it meant to her. Make it easy on him. This is YOUR fight. Let him know that if he wants to keep eating like he has been, that's fine, but you have a goal, and to please understand if you don't join him at the buffet table!

#893156 11/11/00 01:33 AM
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hopefull,<P>There are many diets out there. I think you will find that any diet that is worth staying on will have red meat in it. We are carnivores for a reason. It is the amount.<P>I went on the low charb diet, which focuses on any sort of meat, veggies, and fruits and lost weight easily. I do think most males are "crunchers", but in reality most females don't eat enough of the right sort of protein.<P>But above all else it is as Ben Franklin said "Moderation in all things." that really does the trick. <P>I would like to make one other comment to you about weight and your H. If there is to be any problem with ES and another woman, it won't be her looks. It will be the conversations. In many cases the "looks" is a check off box for most men. If she looks "reasonable", then that is sufficient. Other things come into play.<P>I would be willing you bet your H doesn't want you to: starve yourself, doesn't want you going on a diet that means you are not part of the family, and he doesn't want you skinny. There have been many studies and more are being done that show the normal male doesn't find the "perfect" model figure to be the most attractive.<P>What you see is women with those figures are willing to dress more provocatively, are more forthcoming in their social interactions. Most men actually prefer women with some "meat" on their bones.<P>I believe that it would be good for you to lose some weight, for your own self-esteem. But I believe that your H will not mind having something to "hang" on too [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. What will really turn him on to you, is enthusiasm. The weight is your issue, unless it keeps you from doing things you would like to do or your H would like to do.<P>So lose it for yourself. Lose it for your health, but be realistic. <P>Men do like women with a "womanly" figure. Those women with no hips and plastic breasts show up much more in woman's magazines than they do in men's dreams.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

#893157 11/10/00 07:01 PM
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I feel the need to respond to this thread, but I need to think out my comments before I say (type) anything.<P>I will be back. . .

#893158 11/10/00 07:19 PM
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Hey hopeful,<P>Have you tried any of the vegie bergers? I made my H a regular one and a vegie one for me and I Didnt feel deprived at all. By the time you get all the stuff on them I think they taste pretty good.<BR>Lora

#893159 11/10/00 07:30 PM
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Sorry,<BR>but the infidelity diet worked for me. 30 lbs in less than a month. <P>Of course most of it was muscle mass.... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain and makes the sun come out again

#893160 11/10/00 07:39 PM
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Hopeful,<P>All the advise given is very reasonable.<P>IMHO Bill Phllip's Body for Life is the simplest and most comprehensive program out there. I did it until I hurt my wrist at work. I got results in the first week! Go to this website and read all the info, then buy his book.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.bodyforlife.com" TARGET=_blank>www.bodyforlife.com</A> <P>Best of luck in this endevour. We're here for you!<P>Bill<BR><P>------------------<BR><P>May the roads rise to meet you,<BR>May the winds always be at your back,<BR>May the sun shine warm upon your face,<BR>The rains fall soft upon your fields,<BR>And until we meet again,<BR>May god hold you<BR>In the hollow of his hand.

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