<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

OnOff,<P>Your are definately not the inventors of the lovebusters you listed. Have to say that I committed most of them myself. The key to surviving them is to learn fromt them. You were likely angry/scared that you were losing your wife to another man. Nothing wrong with that. Problems come in when you try to control your wife and her affair via other people. The otherman, om wife, wife's family, etc. The only one we can control is ourselfs. When you understand that, that when the growing and healing can begin. It's ok to be angry, but be angry at your wife and yourself and realize you are the only one you can control. Don't blame the other man. It's never to late and as much as it seems like it, it is also never hopeless. Things will work out for you one way or another and with time, you will come to understand that. Keep working on yourself and give up working on your wife and others. It's a heck of a lot easier that way. I also wouldn't get to caught up in worrying about what you told her sister and your sister. It is not your job to protect your wife from her affair. She the one that choose to have it, she's the one that needs to face the consequences. I would however try to avoid telling people about it if your reason for doing it is to get them to influence your wife. You need support and understanding with what your going through and in order to do that, you will need to share with them what is happening in your life. Hope that makes sense.<P><BR>God's strength and much patience to you.<P>Tim<P>[This message has been edited by TimJ (edited December 01, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by TimJ (edited December 01, 2000).]

OnOffOnOff,<P>Tim's comments are wise, particularly those about working on yourself, and giving up tryint to "control" others. On the otherhand, you do have a right to make decisions for yourself, including ones which do involve consequences for her. <BR>Tims' comments about her facing the consequences are only true if she has to face them. If you agree to continue this sham of a marriage on her terms, then who is calling the tune? Is that the life you're willing to agree with? Do you REALLY think that is an appropriate example and good environment for your kids? Believe me, you can do MUCH better for them apart than living a lie.<P>Pick up Phil McGraw's "Relationship Rescue" if you haven't, and give it a look. There may be something useful for you in there. <P>I realize I may sound a little harsh, but it's not out of lack of empathy for your situation and pain, but because I think you need a little shaking up, and to recheck your assumptions and options. Good luck with figuring out your choices, and making the most of the cards you've been dealt. <P>Regards, and God bless,<P>Jon<BR>

OOOO,<P>STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP!!!!!!!!!<P>You're forgetting something really important here, YOU'RE HUMAN!!!!!! You are dealing with, I'm sure we would all agree, what is more than likely the most difficult situation you will ever encounter in your entire life. Yeah, they ought to teach a high school course on "What to do, and what NOT to do When Your Spouse has an Affair". But since they don't, I dare say that the majority of us here were in no way prepared to deal with this situation. So you made some LB's, oh well. You can't change any of them now, so please don't dwell on them. I think it's just making you feel worse.<P>Another thing I didn't like is it sounds like you are blaming this whole thing on yourself. You sure didn't create this mess by yourself. You didn't suggest to your wife that she move the kids in with her, and not sleep in the same bed for the past 10 years. You didn't wake up one morning and say, "Hey, honey, why don't you go and find yourself a MM to go out and screw around with for a while. Heck, you deserve it!"<P>You could make huge LB's everyday for the rest of your life, and buddy, you're still not going to top that one.<P>I've got to agree with Jon. You deserve so much more than what you're getting. Your children deserve parents who have more happiness in their lives. <P>I had to laugh at your wife saying her and OM would just wait for each other until all the kids are grown, ten years. Oh yeah, that's gonna happen, and after that monkeys are gonna fly out of my butt. There's not much oxygen on the planet they're living on is there? roflmao<P>Please stop beating yourself up.

Hi OOOO,<P>How are you doing ... you sound like you're giving yourself a real dose of "Blame" that really isn't yours. You, like the rest of us, do the very best we can in the face of a horribly hurtful situation. Probably the worse crisis of our lives. Trying to be a good person, provider, father and husband while living thru this nightmare has got to be the hardest single thing you have ever gone thru. Ease up on yourself, PLEASE!<P>You're a loving and caring enough man that you signed on here and continue to make every loving effort to rebuild your marriage. I am proud of you! You should be patting yourself on the back ...<P>I want you to know that I too have probably made the same LB's at least once in both my H's affairs. WE ARE HUMAN DAMN IT!<P>To help you .... I think you need o start looking at the LBing you didn't do and could have ... I mean jeeez ... think about Betty Broderick ... now there's the Queen of LB Land, you agree??? There's only so much we can take ... altho we all backslide, you can always pick yourself up and dust yourself off and get back in the game. <P>If you look at this thing from D day, think about how you have changed your mind set, remind yourself of the strides you've made in how you've come to understand what caused this A, think about how strong you've been for your children and for your wife. Think about how you've grown and what you've learned about yourself. These are very GOOD THINGS and I'll say it again I'M PROUD OF YOU, OOOO!<P>With Love,<BR>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited December 02, 2000).]

I agree totally with Pam0. Your wife has<BR>played a mind game on you and you are blaming yourself. Her proposal was outlandish. It is<BR>clear that you no longer have a marriage and<BR>are just merely roommates. You should not<BR>have to endure this disrepectful behavior.<BR>You deserve a better life and certainly a<BR>better wife. You should not have to endure<BR>this and certainly do not blame yourself.<BR>You wife is a real peach.

Hi OOOO,<P>I've talked to you before under a different user name, so I'm familiar with your story.<P>I have to agree with others: give yourself a break! Most of the things you listed are not LB's (well, I guess they are according to Harley's philosophy that the withdrawn spouse decides what is an LB), but to any normal person you did fine, better than fine actually.<P>Being a BS myself, and having been worrying myself silly for the last six months how not to LB and how to please my wife, while she did what she wanted, I must say that somewhere we need to draw the line. At some point common sense needs to take over, where people realize that cheating on a spouse is a worse thing than small "errors" committed by a BS who is trying to save the marriage. IMHO.<P>AGG

OOOO,<P>We all commit love busters from time to time. Your wife just has you so convinced that you drove her away. She just used all of these instances to further justify her affair. <P>Her conditions are absurd! That's like having an alcoholic say, "I'm just going to have one drink per week". It just is not possible. You do it once, youre right back in the throws of the addiction. <P>Stop beating yourself up over these past mistakes. Start doing what you know is right. Don't let her guilt YOU into feeling this way. She had the affair. Any guilt she has belongs solely to her. <P>take care of yourself.<P>cleo

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>

Dear OOOO,<P>We make mistakes but we are human. If we can make a CHOICE To forgive our WS, surely they can forgive us the mistakes that we made, especially if they were made in the anguish of dealing with the A?<P>If we had not loved, we would have jumped and touched the ceiling that our WS had an A. This would free us to lead our own lives. But the truth is that you have tried so hard to accomodate and to forgive and start anew, so don't beat yourself up. <P>You can commit your marriage to God and pray that God's will be done. I understand your advice that BS do not LB their WS and I think in many instances it can be good but in some cakeman and cakewoman instances it may ot may not work.<P>If you talk about LBs, I will take the gold medal and still not be proud but at least I have half of my WS's cash, holidays, remorse, repentance, designer clothes, and he's back even when I kick him out. I know all these doesn't change my sorrow but I am a different person after the first abusive WS I had who was an abused orphan. I realised that there are good spouses and bad spouses although as friends they may be actually good friends. But not all make good spouses. Give yourself time to heal and your wife time to come to her senses but to live as roommates is not Forgiveness on the part of your wife. Get counselling for yourself regularly to help cope with the situation as well as to regain your battered self esteem back.<P>Love<BR>weep

<p>[ January 09, 2002: Message edited by: OffOnOnOff ]</p>