Despite that fact that I'm OK with this situation I'm in, my wife's behavior is completely infuriating. Got a call this morning, after just returning from a business trip. After the initial hello stuff, she says "I need to know ASAP when you are taking vacation this spring because I'm booking a trip with my friends, and I also have to coordinate it with all their schedules". I said I'm not taking any till the summer, and really I can't because I work for a startup company and our schedule is very hectic this spring. I took this job after she started the separation thing...darn good thing because it is something really good in my life.<P>Anyway, she got very nasty and abrasive, using this "huh" noise before every statement. I told her that the reality of life under this new arrangement is such that we have to coordinate these things between ourselves and our work schedules, and I can't be worrying about her friends schedules. It lasted for about 5 minutes, and I said I had to go because I'm at work. You'd have to have heard it to appreciate it. Later, ASAP suddenly became "1.5 months notice". I said 1.5 is no problem. Then it became, well, at least that, as soon as you can tell me. Flip flop all over the place.<P>Also, she is going out new years eve (OM I'm sure), and her family invited me to be with them. I won't go, cause I'll have the kids, but she is angry that they'd invite me...says it is weird. I get along with them great, and it is her that doesn't talk to them anymore.<P>She said it is the same as her going to see my family or sister. Well, it isn't because she hasn't spoke to my family since she started this new lifestyle even before we separated. I didn't tell my family right away what was happening, because they live far away. She blames her lack of communication with my family on ME, saying I should have told them sooner. Well, truth is, once I did tell them, that is when they aren't so thrilled about talking to her, even though they've never said it. But before I told them, since they wouldn't have known anything, she could have talked to them, but never did. Never talked to old friends either.<P>I'm having a hard time being patient with her constant barrage of illogical thoughts, accusations, anger, and radical statements. I feel like never talking to her other than about the kids. I suppose we aren't far from that now.<P>I mentioned to her that I can't arrange my schedule based on [friend] and [OM]. She got very upset and said "you know nothing about [OM]". I said, "well, you say he is your friend", so I'm lumping him in your "friends" category. Funny, but if he was just a friend, then there would be nothing to be upset at. Just the mention of his name by me gets her p'd off.<P>So please tell me, are these the normal bumps in the road for WS in the fog, in which case I just deflect the anger and ignore it? Or do I send some back her way. Obviously, that would be an LB. But I am losing patience with this. Maybe I just need a kick.<P>She has no money for vacation either. Going into debt. She says "I never had a vacation". She means to somewhere tropical. For the first few years of our marriage, she hated the idea of a tropical place. Thought it was a waste of money. Now it is necessary. I mentioned that she never wanted to go (LB I guess), and that set her off again.<P>I have rearranged my work schedule so many times for her (taking hour off here and there). Last week she wanted me to take this afternoon off (and Thurs/Fri). Since we have no babysitter this week, and I have the kids for Thurs/Fri, I don't mind. But I said she'd have to work today out with her work. Well, that was a huge problem, and would not be possible, according to her. So I put my foot down and said she better work on it. 1 minute later, she calls back and says no problem, her co-worker will cover. What annoys me is her initial statements are always "no way, not possible", and I know it isn't true.<P>Enough venting. Any suggestions for handling this? Did you people have similar annoying and completely unreasonable phases, or is this over the top? Thanks alot.<p>[This message has been edited by Rick37 (edited December 20, 2000).]

Rick...<P>(I hope you don't have to head down the road I'm taking)...<P>But the similarities between what you say about your situation is <B>soooooooo</B> similar to what happened (is happening) to me.<P>I am much closer to W's family... than she is...<BR>...I visit them at least 2 times each month...<BR>...they all care so much for me<BR>...they will not allow her to visit (if she brings OM)... so she won't come<BR>...W hasn't called or visited (her mom or sisters) since February of this year!!!<P>W always thought it was my job to change plans based on her and OM activities...<BR>...and still does!<P>Uhmmm... that tropical vacation...<BR>...(we had it for our 10yr Anniversary... [Aruba])<BR>...that's what triggered her depression and MLC issues!!!<P>Patience is definitely an issue...<BR>...hang tough <B>as long as you can</B>!<P>When the time comes...<BR>...Plan B can always be applied...<BR>...just avoid Plan B... as best you can!<P> <P>Jim

OK Rick - here's your weekly kick. Look back over the past couple of weeks. One day she's practically back in your arms, the next, she's wound up tighter than an eight day clock off in la la land. It's the uncertainty and randomness of a confused person. She's directionless and acting on impulses. I think it maybe all goes with the giddiness of the affair. If she is avoiding her family, that's maybe a sign that she knows all of this is separate from the real life. Just think, if she tried to integrate OM nto her family, that would be a stronger statement that she's sure of herself.<P>Sure it's frustrating, but I have only one recommendation for handling it - keep doing what you're doing, but don't argue with her. Expect her to be unreasonable and unpredictable. You've got your kids and her family resisting her choices. PTC.<P>Dave

Rick37 -<P>Okay I'm piping in to lighten things up a bit. During the affair, well, let me re-phrase - during the time when I ended the affair and it started back up again - I too planned to take a Carribbean vacation with three of my girlfriends. . .At the time, I wanted a vacation from my job, then when I ended the affair, I wanted to go to "clear my head" as the OM was still lurking around. Then when I finally ended it again and my H and I were clearly into recovery - it was already planned - I had to go.<P>When it was time to board the plane with my friends, I honestly didn't want to go, but my H thought it was a good idea - just to get away for a little while - he would be waiting at home. So, we go to Jamaica - sounds nice, but not very romantic without your H. Anyway, I was kind of distraught whle I was away - there was nothing really to do but eat, drink and think, and think, get sunburned and think.<P>I mentioned something about my situation to a friend, it wasn't well received, and well, I called my H all looped up and said that I was staying in Jamaica. That I was going to braid hair for a living!<P>Your wife is flopping around more than a fish out of water. Let her plan her vacation - but the reality is that she can't shirk her responsibilities, too. Since she never had a vacation, I think she's trying to squeeze in all of the fun she can muster right now - while things aren't working out between you too. I tried the same stunt.<P>She may be in a different place than I was, but I did and said crazy things, too. Did I mention that the OM was into race car - nascar - whatever, and suddenly I wanted to take up race car driving? I was dead serious at the time, now I just have to laugh. Just hang in there. Don't try to figure it out. Try to Plan A as long as you can right now.<P>Personally, I think it's great that you are still close to your in-laws - their your family, too. I think you should be able to visit them with the kids any time you want. Your wife just feels a little guilty that she's also put a wedge in her relationship with her own family, too.<P>It's starting to catch on - reality that is. It'll either make her bolt, or it can help her to turn things around. Again, just make her feel like she hasn't burned any bridges at this point.

Brief update....crazy day. She called me later to say "I hate arguing...", and proceeded to be quite personable and nice, asking me questions about work, my trip, etc. That is her way of apologizing. However, when I came home and she was dropping the kids off at my place, Ms. Nasty had showed up again. Barely a word.<P>Called me on the phone from her work, nasty again, then 30 minutes later, called and was quite happy again. Up and down.<P>NSR: I hear you. I'll hang tough. Some hours it is harder than others. It literally can change on a dime. Mine hasn't introduced the concept of OM to her family either. I do consider that a good thing.<P>WAT: Thanks for the kick of the week. She certainly is directionless. And her life isn't very rosy. House has incomplete work done on it by a friend, who seemed to do more damage than good. She is like a hurricane.<P>SKM: Thanks for your perspective. As usual, to hear the similarities from a former WS helps alot. She is a fish out of water.<BR>

Rick,<P>It sounds like that you'll do best for yourself and your kids if you just keep a level head, maintain clean and appropriate boundaries around issues (like the vacation thing), and, if I dare be so frank, treat your wife like a befuddled relative that you must deal with, but that you don't have to enjoy or understand. The only thing worse than being in the immediate surroundings of her behavior, would be living in the epicenter. As unhappy as you probably are from time to time, my gut feel is that she is on a bigger rollercoaster, and it's no amusement park ride. <BR>PLAN A is being the best you for yourself and your kids, as well as for any future involvement you have with her- or don't have, for that matter. <BR>My sympathy to you, for having these things to deal with, particularly during the holidays; sometimes I wonder if the friends of mine, who have made a clean break when confronted with a situation like yours, haven't been better off in the short term. Long term, my closest friends are both better off, considering who they're with now, and the quality of the relationships. And their children have done fine, particularly because of the commitments their Dad's have. (so much for the stereotypes). Still, that is a very personal choice to make, and I would never denigrate or take lightly your efforts to honor your marriage vows.<P>Rick, have the best holiday possible, and good luck with whatever the future brings you.<P>Regards,<P>Jon<P><BR>

Rick,<P>You are the Plan A King!!! I think you are handling yourself very well, and it seems like you can step out of her craziness and kind of look at it from a distance...so very necessary for us to do.<P>I have a house full of teenagers. Once I started seeing the similarities my mid-life husband shared with his 18yo son I could sort of understand it all better. I mean, in their heads, my husband and son are about in the same place...I swear. They are floundering as is your wife...and there is not a damn thing we can do about it, but love them and understand. But , you already have "gotten" this, much sooner than I did.<P>You know, we know, probably everyone (including her family) knows that she is a mess right now. I mean, her rollercoaster is on high gear. I kinda feel sorry for her really, because that ride can not be any fun. <BR>You are doing a great job. I admire you for your patience. It's funny how she crosses the line all the time, and then always seems to come back to you for reassurance. Sounds like she really still wants your approval. She knows you are her anchor, but she continues to see just how far she can push. If you have to go to Plan B, it should be very effective on her because she plainly still needs you for her daily checks and balances.<P>You're doing a great job.<P>allison

Can't you just picture Rick? He's busy as a beaver tending to his kids, keeping the house running smoothly, getting his work done, and traveling some as well. Here's his WS, bouncing around like a ping pong ball, going no where fast, can't stay focused on one thing, never know what she'll do next, and Rick is standing there watching, amazed, frustrated, but entirely in control, just shaking his head.<P>WAT

...and one of the biggest reasons that I can do whatever I do is because of the support and insight I get coming here. But I guess you know that.<P>The past 2 days was like I was in a movie. I won't go into details, but lets just say that there was no logic to be found in my WS, just anger and a desire to blame everything on everyone else. Wanted me to take a day off work so she could shop without the kids, wanting me to quickly schedule a vacation so that it coincided with when her friends were going to take one. Upset because I got invited to her families New Years Eve get together, when she had already declined to go. The list goes on. I dread the phone ringing now.<P>But guess what? I'm doing fine, because when things get crazy, all you can do is stand back and shake your head. Sad for her, because like you say, she isn't happy. It must be total turmoil.<P>I'm going out with friends tonight because the kids will be with my wife. Will do some shopping too.<P>I haven't been on as much lately because it has just gotten hectic, but it should slow down now (I think). Thanks again everyone. <P>

I agree with Allison, that you are the Plan A King! I don't know how you do it, but you are doing great! You have a wonderful ability to stand back and remove yourself from the situation at hand and look at things very subjectively. <P>She obviously needs you in her life. I just hope for her sake and yours, that it's not too late when she comes out of the fog.....