okay, I know why I am still hanging on to my marriage. Deep down I still love my WS, I don't want my children raised in a broken home, I want the Christian home that we use to have back but better, I don't want my sons to have to chose who to visit when they come from college, I don't want OW or her family around my sons, I don't want my future (very future, I hope) grandchildren to have so many places to visit. I want my life back but better. So their are just some of the reasons that I believed my WS, that I keep hanging in here, that I moved around the world for, that I gave up my job to move, <P>But why is the OW still hanging in there. I know they have both said this is not about sex, & from what she has written me & what I use to could snoop & find that their love is so complete that I couldn't understand.<P>Well their PA has been going since March, 1999, I would guess their EA a few months before. OW started divorce proceedings almost immediately, I know that by May 1999, not sure when it was final but a long time ago. My H has talked about divorcing me, but he can't do it. We did live separated for 6 mths, but he was at the house most every day, all he could have spent with her was the nights, & late at that, their were the times he added days to business travel but only 2 or 3, he has taken her on 2 trips, plus some weekends, but in 2 yrs he is still here. He has given her money for a place to live, he felt guilty for ruining her life too (Please). I am sure that he has give some very nice jewelry, okay I guess I have answered my question you get all of this for sex a few times, listening to him, doing things he likes to do (while I watch the kids), guess it is not a dumb a bargain as I thought.

Sing, I am not one to give advice. I still cling to the hope that my H (the WS) will come to his senses. But I also know that I have to prepare myself to get on with my life without him and rebuild what's left of my self-esteem. Perhaps we are dumb for holding on to a selfish person. I continually ask myself why would I want a man like this - a man who can give up his family for a "cheerleader". There are no easy answers and that's why we have to work on ourselves - to know ourself deeply and be able to trust ourself. Don't know if this helps you at all, but it's what I'm trying to focus on to alleviate the pain of my H's affair. Good luck to you.

To Sing and stonehouse:<P>I also cannot give advise because I ask the same questions. I can only tell you that it sounds like there are at least three of us that feel the same way. You spoke so well all of the reasons I am trying to put my life back together. I feel that he had no right to take what he did from me and that hurts a lot. I am also learning (slowly) that what stonehouse said is true. We have to work on ourselves and prepare ourselves for a strong life without this person. I have to believe that if we do that we will be the ultimate winners and also that this is the only way that any good can come of a broken family for our children. We must be strong and try to teach them how to love and to avoid some of the same pain we are going through as BS's and also how to avoid becoming a WS. It is painful...I have cried almost all day myself and it has been 3 months since I found out...just a bad, emotional day. Hang in there. I'll try to too.<P>--LearningLife

I guess what I want to know why would OW stay with a man who has been stringing her along for almost 2 yrs. From what he promised her at the beginning, they should be married by now but here he is half a world away still living with his wife & sons, maybe not happily but here he is.

Dear Sing,<P>It sure sounds like your H has not really spent all that much time with OW -- I mean "normal" time. It may be that OW is still the fantasy, dream woman for him. It sounds like he still loves you and can't bear to leave you or the children. (He probably doesn't tell you he loves you because that wouldn't be fair to you or OW in the strange world he has constructed.)<P>Having said all that, how does he let go of the fantasy? Is there any way short of him actually leaving and finding out once and for all that OW is not the dream? <P>I'm sorry I'm only asking questions without answers, but these are the questions I'm asking myself now too. I know my H still loves me in a way and is in big time pain without his kids, but he feels like he can't give OW up. He feels like he may end up with nothing if he gives her up and our marriage doesn't improve. I still don't think that my H has spent much non-work time with OW so their relationship is still in that secret, fantasy stage. As far as I can tell, my H has not told anyone but a therapist that OW is in the picture. (He actually lied to his father when asked.) <P>I don't know enough about the details of your situation to advise, but maybe your H really needs to go figure out that his relationship with OW is not real. When are you due to come back to the states? Maybe you need to have him leave (plan B). Just some thoughts. As always, you'll be in my prayers!

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]

I know that my H has not been in the real world with OW, they have never had to deal with my sons reactions but their relationship has/was out in the open in their office, even the office here in Singapore knew about it. But it never had to live with the day to day, I think they have spent a lot of time togather,most of it fun time, her parents or her x would have her daughter, they could go & do things. All the things I never had time to know, because I was too busy being a mom, & all the things that make my H feel young again, instead of mid 40's man whose body doesn't always do what it use to. Before the A my H had several nagging sports injuries for 6 mths or so, he would never give any of them time to heal before he try & do whatever.<P>Last yr my H made every game/pratice he was suppose to, now he missed some by saying he was out of town, he wasn't always, I use to make comments about how I knew he hated not seeing the game, I would write e-mails to him, giving all the details,even ones when I was dead tired of being the mom, teaching (after being a stay at home mom for 14 yrs) & commuting, then driving all over the place for sons games, I only missed 1 & then H was in town, my YS & I were exhausted at the end of basketball last yr, we had gone through 6 mths of pratice & games with both football & basketball for OS. My H was there for most, he pick up practices, go games, as I was teaching 30 min from our home, that was about an hr from his work. So he only spent late at nights with her, if that, <P>I guess I really want to know why would the OW keep hanging in there, I know my H still loves her, but he left her, now he has met her in London, once but since July he has seen her once, why would someome keep believing what ever he tells her, when none of it has come true, almost 2 yrs later he is still married for whatever reason to me, We are not rich, so there is not the oppuritny of lots of money, I read an email where they talked about how competive they both were, my H is one of the most competive people I know, my H has said she chased him all over their company, I know that she wasn't the first to make plays for him, just the only one he fell for, I sometimes wonder if she just can't bear to lose.<P> Guess the only way I will ever have this answer is to ask her, she will give me the bull about how it is their love, that will not let her give up but I have never contacted her except repling to her emails to me, she has done that twice, both times I think she was desperate.

ttmo-Wow, my situation is identical to yours. My H told me recently he feels "trapped" - wants to be with the OW, but doesn't want to hurt me (too late!!). I came to the realization that I had to let him go to her. I wrote him a letter basically saying I don't want you to go, but I want you to be happy and you need to figure out what you want. He chose to leave for the OW and hopes to get the divorce going soon. He had admitted that he may end up alone after all is said and done - that things may not work out with OW and I won't be there for him if they don't. Makes me wonder more and more what goes thru their heads. The power of the fantasy must be totally overwhelming.<P>Good luck to you and keep us posted. E-mail me if you want to talk more. obblegobble@hotmail.com

delete<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]

.<p>[This message has been edited by Trying to move on (edited March 21, 2001).]