well friends, i have ended my uncertainty about whether I am in plan a or Plan B - and appreciate the feedback to my earlier post(s). I had to contact h today about aproblem at an investment property we have. Turns out tradesmand is delayed so we had lunch and hnng around for two hours. Something just gave up inside me. I wanted him gone. i just could not help thinking "what am I doing waiting around having polite conversation this person - I dont even feel I know him anymore". What is ther to talk about when you cant talk about the past; cant openly discuss the xurrent situation and cant make plans for the future. nevertheless we chatted on - like old friends do -about what's in the papers; whats happening at work etc. And this great wave of "enough" came over me. After he left I cried for about two hours and then became very calm. As though I suddenly realised it is me dragging this out. <P>So, I wrotehim an e-mail earlier tonight. A sort of Plan B letter but particular to our current circumstances. Basically I told him I still loved him, would do whatever I could to work thisout together, but can not do that while he was still involved with OW - and given that, did not want to hang around the perimeter of his life; it hurts and makes me look an idiot. I will be here if his circumstances change but, if not, no further contact. I asked him to tell me by the end of the month and that if he wants to pursue a happier and less complicated life without me I am strong enough to let him go with grace and dignity. In the meantime, no contact - despite his plans for my birthday.<P>Funny thing is when I checked my e-mail tonight he had not received it so I checked the sent box and foound i had typed in the address incorrectly !! As though someone had given me the chance to reconsider. I did and I sent it again.<P>Well, I am very tired - even exhausted. I feel like I want to sleep for a long time and hope I feel a different person tomorrow. But i am glad I have taken this step . I have nothing to lose and a lot to gain - either my h back in due course or a stronger, saner, healthier me.<P>I felt I needed to tell my friends on this board and ask for your hugs. Sad but OK -<P>R

A PS - I can hear the music from down the road. They are playing the song "The carnival is over". i must be OK becasue i smiled and thought "how appropriate". May the sun shine tomorrow for all of us.<P>R

Dear Rosebrook,<P>HUGS HUGS HUGS<P>You are a strong person and a survivor. You have done a scary, brave thing that may well be the wake up call yur H needs. And even if it is not, it is undoubtedly your passport to a newer, wiser, and happier YOU. <BR>I pray for you that your sense of purpose and peace continue and that you can keep yourself busy focusing on you. <P>I feel a little hypocritical giving you advice earlier on "tough love" when it has been so hard for me to try it in my own marriage. I guess I fear it will give him that final excuse or "permission" for what he wants to do. It all makes so much sense to me intellectually, but emotionally I'm more of a wimp than I ever thought possible. <P>You have been an inspiration to me and I wish you the very best as you move into this next stage!

Rosebrook,<P>I am glad that you found your answer. Peace is a wonderful feeling. Now you just worry about yourself, make your self happy, & don't forget we are all hear for you anytime day or night, of course mine & your's day are close to the same. <P>Prayers coming your way.

Ah Rosebrook,<P>I think you hit it right on.. nothing to loose. Because it gets to a point where you don't have a marrige anyway. I know how hard it is to take a leap of faith and go to plan B. But whatever its outcome with you and your H, it will be a good thing for you. Yes, I know it is hard, it has its own hurt. Shoot, I was clinging to the mail that came in his name, like it was having a connection with him. My counseler helped me to let that go, and gradually now after 4 months I feel better and stronger. Now I am scared that he may be making a move towards me. I like my life and I am OK without him, but it is not over yet.<P>Stay strong, we are all here for you.<BR>Lora

Hi there Rosebrook! Don't be afraid! You are doing what needs to be done! Not for just the marriage but most of all for you. You've got a good handle on things and have done what you can. Plan B changes things and it's often those changes that make WS realize that they're really going to lose something special if they don't get their act together. More, and more and more of Plan A would likely just get you more of what you've already got, and it sounds like you're good and ready for something different no matter what that turns out to be. Plan B is far from being the end of things and can be a very powerful catalyst for change. God's blessings to you!

Rosebrook-I failed to mention in my post how sorry I am that you are in the situation that you are in and that my heart goes out to you. I know making the decision to go to Plan B is difficult and I wish you the best no matter what the outcome is. My prayers are with you.

Exhausted, hurten,sing,Lore,mthrr..,hurten<P>Thankyou dear friends. Today has been slow but I have decided that is OK - I have slept a lot - and read two short novels. One turned out to be about an affair!! Yuk.<P>Good line that I read:<P>"A single feat of daring can alter the whole perception of what is possible"<P>One of the things that has helped me through the day has been your words acknowledging strength etc; I have told a couple of local friends who say similarly, "you will not be worse off"<P>I guess I just let the whole thing drift on too long but I really needed to feel i had done everyting i could to support him and us and to save our marriage. I feel like I did that and there is nothing more I can do except to just opt out of his landscape.<P>While I have not done this to punish him in any way (I just dont have the energy to be bothered doing that) I imagine and hope he is stunned when he gets the e-mail (it has not been opened yet) and has a lousy week.<P>Just needed to ramble on bit. I will continue to look out for you here.<P>R

Just stopped by...<P>Thanks for your help in my Plan B letter...<P>If I can be of any help/comfort to you...<BR>...I'd gladly be there.<P>Stay strong.<P> <P>Jim

I was wondering of you heard from him yet. Glad you are holding your own. <P>I find it hard to read somethings also, been trying to read all day but boys keep getting in the way. <P>Prayers your way.

Thanks Sing and NSR<P>I am feeling a pretty empty and lonely right now. Had an e-mail from a dear friend who is coming form o/seas - i had to teel him H and I are separated. he was so caring and compassionate; he cannot understand this; thought we were the most caring couple he knoew etc. etc. Just makes me very sad about what H and I have lost. Even now i cannot believe it is simply the madness of an A. I think his age, chronic depression (post Vietnam Trauma Syndrome I think) all have contributed. But it is too much for me to deal with if he wont take some responsibilities himself.<BR>Anyway Sing - yes, i did hear from him; a voice mesage asking me to go interstate to a corporate function with him - o/night - but he had not read my e-mail at the time it was sent.<P>I guess I am just trying to stay strong in Plan b and protecting myself from further hurt and confusion as much as I can. i feel so <P>NSR - I just widh I had yout faith and could all this in the hands of someone wiser and stronger than me. I try to pray and cant. That's the problem with lapsed Catholics.<P>Thankyou all<P>R

Rose,<P>Still thinking about you.

Rose,<P><BR> I am so sorry to hear you had to plan B.<BR>It is devastating to be around them when they are on the fence. I actually felt better<BR>not to talk to them.<P> WS do not make sense when they are in the FOG anyway. I personally wish I had not discovered the A myself. My H did not stop immediatly. He stayed in the FOG for A few more months with the OW. OW stopped A. <P> My H is much better now. He is sorry. The<BR>BS has to deal with a lot of aftermath of their A. It is still difficult after they get off the fence. <P><BR> Lotsa Hugs Lotsa prayers <P>------------------<BR>Deb