Hi, first, SKM, how's your health?<P>Second, please give me your wisdom on an upcoming problem I have. We have 50/50 custody of our 12 yo son. In actuality, I have him about 70/30 because of my wife's work schedule which prevents her from having him most weeknights. She has to leave for work too early in the morning to be able to take him to school. What she has requested is that our au pair come to her apartment very early (5:30) so she can leave for work, and then get our son up at the normal time for him (7:00), get him ready for school, feed him, etc. at her apartment and then take him to school. She claims that since she pays half of the au pair expenses, she can demand this.<P>The au pair works for me, I am the only parent on the contract, and her place of "employment" is my house. My first reaction was that this is an unacceptable imposition on the au pair. I can't help what wife's work schedule is and it's not my responsibility to make sure she gets her 50%. Welcome to your world.<P>On the other hand, I can ask the au pair to do this on an infrequent basis, but I don't like it. I'm torn between setting limits and meeting wife's needs, but I feel there has to be occasions when I shouldn't enable her when she hasn't admitted the affair and won't commit to the marriage. I want to draw a line on this one.<P>So far, we have cooperated very well with son's time. This will be the first time I have denied her requests, but I feel this is unreasonable. Of course, it's obviously a LB about her most important (or second most important) priority - our son.<P>What do you think?<P>Dave

Maybe you should look for the "other wise ones". . .<P>I really don't know too much about au pairs and how they work. I can definitely see where it would be an imposition on the au pair to go to your wife's house at 5:30 am - that would mean the au pair would have to get up pretty early, huh? I would imagine that you would first have to look at her contract and see if that is even "do-able."<P>Whether your wife is paying 50% or not, I would definitely make sure that this imposition doesn't cost "extra" or see if the au pair is even willing to do it. To me, it sounds as if - while the au pair is employed by you (as on the contract) - then who is her main responsibility - looking after you and your affairs (pardon the terminology) - or is it looking after your son? If the primary duties are "looking after your son," then I don't know if this is the battle you should draw the line at.<P>What are the alternatives? Your son gets up at 5:30 am, wife drops him off at your house, then au pair drops son off at son? It seems like your son is the one who will be hurt by that arrangement.<P>In my opinion, I think this is something you might want to talk over with a lawyer - as far as the au pair's contract and such. Also, your wife still owes you money, right? I think that if you wanted to pick a place to draw the line - I would start following the separation agreement, and if you can work out things with the au pair - I would try to work them out (since the au pair is primarily atttached to your son's activities, right?)<P>I am all for setting boundaries - and letting your wife get a dose of reality, but not at the expense of your son. Really, if you don't comply with your wife's request - who, in the end would it hurt most - your wife or your son?<P>I don't know if that helped or not, but again, I don't think I'm the expert when it comes to child care issues. In my opinion, though, I don't think it would be a LB to have your wife live up to the separation agreement - i.e., pay you the money she owes you. If she says she's paying 50/50, then she needs to make sure she's upholding the rest of the agreement. I just hate to see your son as a pawn in all this - do what is best for him, not you or your wife.<P>As for me, I'm going to get in here and take a nap.. I had off work to day, and just finished 3 hours of pulmonary function tests (interesting exam, showed some things, but tomorrow I go for more tests - so hopefully that will help narrow the field a bit). So, other than breathing my brains out today, I'm hanging in there. Thanks for asking!<P>

SKM - thanks for the reply. I overlooked the fact that you might not be familiar with the au pair business. Basically they tend to the needs of the children like a nanny.<P>There are no legal problems. I can ask the au pair to perform these gymnastics. What I was struggling with is the trade off between an LB by drawing the line and meeting an EN at the discomfort of the au pair.<P>My son rightly refuses to get up early at my wife's apartment and get dropped off at my house before school. The au pair certainly is not jumping at the idea of going over there early and then taking him to school. I don't see this affecting my son one way or the other - it's an issue of whether I draw the line at an unreasonable request, or ask the au pair to do something she wasn't expecting to do to that accomodates my wife's chosen lifestyle. Is this when I say you reap what you sow?<P>Dave

I would think that that is an em need that you are meeting if you agree with the arrangment. If it was me, I wouldn't do it. It's time for her to see what the reality of her new life is. My children so not want to go over h and ow house and they have finally told him and he has finally acept their wishes. So now do to the ow not wanting h around me, he maybe only sees them twice a month which i do know that that is killing him, and also with our 3 yr old telling him that he wants a new daddy, ouch that must of felt like a knife in his heart. He had asked me about it and I told him that I was not going to spare his feelings but ya they ask and that they even ask male friends to be their new daddy. So i think you need to let her see what the reality of her decision is. Nothing should be worth the time and the respect of your children.<BR>Hope this has help<BR>Darleen

How about if your W needs the aupair to be there so early, au pair has the option of staying at W's apartment the evening before? This could be a somewhat reasonable compromise for everyone. And then au pair can choose which she is more comfortable with. This has the added benefit of taking you out of the decision-making loop somewhat - although if your W is in LB mode, she will interpret anything you suggest badly, so you may have to expect that anyway.<P>I think what is most important is making sure your au pair is comfortable and happy and feels fairly treated - so that she can be a good caretaker and companion for your son. Do you want to be faced with finding another caretaker six months from now because this au pair couldn't stand the tension and stress of your family situation? Stress this piece with your W and see how she responds - and try to include au pair in the decision. See if this doesn't diffuse W's "demands" somewhat.<P>I would still try to limit the # of weeknights, and make them consistent each week, by negotiating with your W, again with the au pair's and son's best interests in mind.<P>Starpony

I almost didn't open this post because it requested "wise" ones.... <P>I am more in favor of drawing the line. Of course, it is easy for me to say because I am not the one that has to step up to the plate. But your situation is rather unique, given that your wife has moved into an apartment and you have an au pair.<P>If you were to ask the au pair what she prefers, ie. stay at your house and get up at normal time, versus leaving at 5:15 or 5:30, and she were to say, stay at your house, then you could effectively not be bearing the full brunt of the line drawing. You could present it to the au pair as though if she prefers to stay at your place, then she can. Likely, she'll want that.<P>Second, what does your son want? Would he rather stay at your place too? If so, that adds to the case. Or is he more inclined to want a few nights at his mothers here and there?<P>As pointed out, the third option is for the au pair to stay there overnight those nights. Again though, doesn't sound like an option that the au pair would be real thrilled with.<P>Failing that, you can take the hard line of wanting a structured environment for your son and the au pair, and since she works for you, she stays there. I guess I'm not helping much, just reiterating the options.<P>Was any of this in the separation agreement, and has she signed this? I'd be interested in knowing the thoughts of the au pair.<P>This is a delicate one, that is for sure. I would personally just try and swing it so that the au pair stays at your house. But you know the entirety of the situation, and all the factors. For me, there are so many factors involving playing it smartly to stall and not have to sell my house to get the equity, because if anything changed financially (like requiring lawyer, her wanting more $$, etc.) that would mess things up, and affect the stability of the children. So you have to weigh how badly you want to not LB and cause problems.<P>But I think this is one that is a bit undesirable, so I'd just try and work it the way you want. Ideally, the au pair could call her request off. Let us know how it plays out for you.<BR>

Disclaimer here... I have no kids so am only looking at froma logical angle.<P>But what is the point of having your son stay over night at her apt if he isn't going to see her in the am anyhow. Why can't she pick him up after school and then bring him back to your house at bedtime sometimes if she wants extra time with him?<P>Lora

Dear Dave,<P>Is there any chance that you could get yourself out of the middle of this? Could you suggest to your W that she talk to the au pair and see if they can reach some agreement that would satisfy both of them and your son. My guess is that your W wants you to do the "dirty" work of asking the au pair to do this. If she had to do the asking and either get turned down or see the reluctance, maybe she would back off and you wouldn't be to blame. Just a thought.

Thanks all for the good thinking. This is a tough one. It is not an option for the au pair to spend the night at my wife's apartment. She is supposed to be provided with a separate bedroom and bath, and that doesn't exist at the apartment. The au pair does not want to do the early morning routine, but understands she must if I ask her. She knows I'm not crazy about it. I don't want to put any burden on the au pair in making the decision. She's only 18 and shouldn't get wrapped up in our disagreements. My son thinks it's partly his responsibility to share himself equally with both parents, but he doesn't keep score. All of this is my wife's attempt to get more time with my son despite her self imposed obstacles. Lora's suggestion makes sense to me, but this isn't good enough for my wife. Also, the legal definition of a day with our son means spending the night. Her child support is calculated on 50/50 custody, so if he never spends the night, she gets $0, which she won't go for of course.<P>Right now I'm thinking of asking the au pair to try it once to see how it goes. Then, unless she threatens to leave over it, I might agree with my wife for one occurence per week, maximum. As part of this deal, maybe I can get a committment from her to read SAA or discuss counseling a little more seriously. Don't worry, I have no intention of using my son as a pawn. I think we're several weeks away from this now because the au pair is still learning to drive on the right side of the road (she's from S.Africa) and is not ready to "solo" yet. My hunch is that once this scheme is tested, its unreasonableness will be obvious.<P>Dave