Okay....<P>H is living with OW<P>H does not want to be reconciled<P>We've been separated for over 1 year<P>I've been in Plan B since November 2000<P>I'm doing pretty well and don't have any hopes anymore that we even could be reconciled<P>H will NOT file for the divorce (he's allergic to paperwork...believe me, he won't!)<P>I have separated all the financial issues as well as any other issues of relying on H<P>Divorce is NOT something I want. It is in fact, something I kick, scream and fight against even considering. It goes against every fiber of my being.<P><B>So now....</B><P>What do I do now? Just wait it out forever? I've done everything I can to separate all the issues between us (no kids). We don't talk or interact unless there is an issue with the house. <P>I feel sometimes that I SHOULD just go ahead and file for the divorce. Other people are semi-encouraging me to do it and when they find out I'm only separated, not divorced, they are surprised.<P>But I just can't do it.<P>I also feel like I'm kinda "caught" in some kind of trap and can't find a way out. I can't stay in the pending state forever, can I? Even tho I'm in counseling and taking an anti-depressant, I'm starting to feel very depressed again and have been having crying jags more often.<P>Do I somehow need to do the divorce to get out of the trap or is there another way out?<P>Can anyone else relate to this?<P>Thanks for letting me blurt this all out. I welcome any and all suggestions, comments, etc.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<P>

Mrs. O,<P>i do not know if my advice would hold any water since this all started for me in November of 2000 (Thats when H walked out telling me its over-I had NO CLUE!!) Anyways, personally I have set a time limit. We have been living apart for 3 months and I believe the A with OW has been going on for 4 to 5 months. H has filed against me (He REALLY wants OW). Anyways In two months I will probably be single. At this point I will give up. I do picture myself dating again and going on with my life at that point. Maybe you should think about setting a time limit?? I believe there is life after a D-even though I do not want a D. (I have been on Plan A than went to Plan B a couple of weeks ago-actually H never came around so Plan B wasn't hard to implement) I am thinking about going out to see what is out there in this single life-I WILL NOT be with another man for awhile but I would like to go out and see if this single life has its advantages-anything beats staying at home being swallowed up by self pity. Just some thoughts. I could be wrong and get hammered for this but how long do we have to be a door mat??

My personal thoughts for you is if he doesn't initiate the divorce there is still hope. If you still love him then maybe you should stick with it. As far as being depressed I believe going out and haveing some fun once inawhile could really help. I'm only trying to help. Just keep trying to work on your self and if hwe comes around then he does but if not he will file for divorce. Either way you will be able to move on.

Thanks for your replies. I don't really see myself as any kind of "door mat." The main issue for me isn't even about time, I don't think.<P>If I go ahead and set a time limit (say November of this year...two years since D-day...a total shocker for me as well), I still wonder if I can go against my own beliefs against divorce? That's what I really struggle with the most I think (maybe not....I'm not sure anymore...)<P>I am a Christian and while I think divorce is NOT God's highest for us, I do believe in my case that it would be allowed (H is committing adultry). But the other part is that my own personal committment to the covenant of our marriage is so strong, I'm having a really hard time with breaking that, even tho he did. However, he is soooo different now than when we married, he has become such a totally different person, I also struggle with the fact that I don't WANT him back. If I was single, and had just met him, I wouldn't even think twice....no way would I date him. <P>As for having fun, I still do go out and do stuff (as much as before), but I WILL NOT date until I am no longer married. And I am taking care of myself as well as I can. <P>I guess I get discouraged being in this "state" because I miss having another close intimate person to share my life with and my self-esteem, which was fairly strong, has been shot to h*ll. I feel old, fat, wrinkly, used, abandoned, etc. I'm trying to work on these things....jogging, accepting my 44 years of life, using Oil of Olay, etc. :-)<P>So while I have good friends who I can talk to, etc. it is not the same as a close, personal, intimate love (and I don't mean sex). <P>So that's why I feel caught...in a cage of my own making I think. I "can't" get divorced (and therefore can't date, have an intimate relationship) and yet I "don't" think I could ever take him back. So I've assigned myself to "no man's land" and it's very lonely, sad and discouraging.<P>Does this make sense? I hope I'm not just rambling....

Well, at some point you have to take the bull by the horns. My view is that after a while, we're no longer victims but responsible for our own situations.<P>I was exactly where you are. I waited two years and then filed for divorce. I am very glad I did this, otherwise I'd never be divorced. At some point, you have to realize what you're dealing with and reclaim your life.<P>Frankly, I have severe concerns about the emotional health and character of someone that will leave a marriage for an OP, never consider returning, accept months of Plan A from a spouse, yet never initiate a divorce. It's a very weak person's profile and I certainly don't want to be married to it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Distressed:<BR><B>Frankly, I have severe concerns about the emotional health and character of someone that will leave a marriage for an OP, never consider returning, accept months of Plan A from a spouse, yet never initiate a divorce. It's a very weak person's profile and I certainly don't want to be married to it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Oh I agree! He is not only weak morally, but fairly selfish as well. <P>It's still horrible to think how a person could change so much from the first years I knew and was married to him. He was so different back then....or maybe he was just trying to be what I wanted him to be....who knows...<P>Thanks.

Mrs. O<P>I know what it feels like to be a "doormat" and I felt that way for about 6 months, however, I joined to support groups for separated/divorced persons. While I am still in the reconciling mode, I felt surrounded by people experiencing many of the same emotions. One group is Christian based and they have a web site...DivorceCare.com.<BR>Look into your church for support groups there, ask your counselor for advice.<P>Don't sit home. You have control over YOUR life and if he comes back or not, you will have taken care of yourself and grown so much. <P>If you are not in a rush to divorce, Why do it? Unless you plan on dating, which is not recommended for at least 1-2 years post divorce, what do you gain by divorcing?<P>Seek support groups with real live people. There are more divorced people than I ever really thought about and they KNOW HOW awful it feels. <P>Seek and you shall find.<P>hopelessmom<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hopelessmom:<BR><B>If you are not in a rush to divorce, Why do it? Unless you plan on dating, which is not recommended for at least 1-2 years post divorce, what do you gain by divorcing?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>No, I wouldn't date right away even if I was divorced....I believe in the 1-2 years rule.<P>The reason I am considering filing is because I feel caught in this pending state. Not all the time, but lately it's been getting me down. I just thot going ahead with the divorce might relieve the pressure....I don't know.<P>So that is the conundrum. But my fear is that once I do it, I'll be so upset at myself for going against my inner convictions.<P>Somehow I feel that it's different if I do it as opposed to him doing it. I didn't WANT the divorce...but I'll probably be the one to make it go thru....ugggghhhh!<BR>

Mrs O,<BR>I am sort of in the same place. 2 years from the start of the affair, 17 months from D day, and 6 months of seperation. I was feeling rather hopeless and trying to figure out what to do. I dont think he will ever initate a divorce, and while I dont feel that stongly religious wise about it, I do feel pretty stongly that if he wants it, he should be the one to pursue it.<P>So I did set a date, for 2 years from d day, the standard Harley time limit for affairs to end. If there is no forward progress at that time, I will consider moving forward on my own. I will feel I have done all I can and I will give myself permission to move on then. I gave me a little peace of mind to have that date, and low and behold he started to call me. I dont know where it is going. But it still feels like I have some control over my own choices and I am moving forward, not stuck in limbo.<P>Good luck to you with your decision.<BR>Lora

Thanks, Lora. I think I will try to focus on the 2-year time frame and give myself a break for now.<P>Maybe by then I'll have some new revelations and begin to feel "okay" about going against my own inner-grain and beliefs of commitment and covenant. I do want to stay in the "reality" mode as well and not think that just because I don't want something, doesn't mean that eventually I won't have to accept it. And if accepting it means I'm the one who has to make it happen, well....I guess I'll have to cross that bridge when it happens.<P>Again, thanks.<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

Hi Ms. O:<P>It's good to hear from you again. I don't post as much as I use to but I still come back to check up on folks.<P>I can understand where you're coming from...my WS too is still gone after 10 months...and the OW is not in the picture anymore...at least not the original OW. I came to realize that he had problems that neither Plan A, Plan B or myself was ever going to fix, but that he needed time and space to come to terms with his own problems.<BR>So that's where we are...not divorced...not planning to divorce...just in limbo.<P>I've come to realize however that time is healing me and in time I think that I will be ready to move on. Like you I feel I have a lot of love to give a person who is willing to accept that love and it is a waste of time to hang on to someone who apparently cannot. Day by day I see myself drawing away from him, preparing to make a life of my own....and in the future I see a time when I will no longer need or want him back in my life. But that evolution is different for everyone and you will come to it in your own good time...when it's right for you.<P>In the past I have always taken him back from his misadventures...but not this time...this time he will play his hand out and if he loses then he loses. Either way I think I will be the winner. You too, I think, in the long run.<P>My prayers are with you anyway you decide.<P>With Angels and Prayers - Faye<BR>

Mrs.O,<P> Try this website,http://www.restorem.org/home.html

Thanks Betrayed Spouse,<P>I have this site bookmarked and have even ordered books from them. I have found it helpful.<P>I KNOW God could (not will) restore our relationship. I truly believe this. I also believe that if He did so, it would have to be a miracle...for both of us. I am not closed to that happening...<P>I guess that's part of my struggle....I want to have faith in God, not just in what He can do for me, or my marriage. I don't want to be a "stander" for my marriage....I want to be a "stander" for God. I don't mean to get into a spiritual/philosophical discussion, but there is a fine line in this thought. There is reality staring me in the face and there is faith....but I find I have to trust that God will guide me in the right mindset, etc. <P>I'm not sure I believe that God will heal every marriage, ONLY if one of the spouses has enough faith. I know that sounds like a lack-of-faith, but if that was so, why aren't more people's marriages healed? Is there something more here that God wants us to "get?" <P>What I have tried to do over the past year is put my faith in God, REGARDLESS of what happens. Faith that he will guide me in the right decisions and directions. <P>Anyway, that's my take of the restorem web site. The truth is God can (not will) heal anyone's marriage. The truth also is that sometimes He doesn't...even when the people have full-faith that He will. So why the difference? <P>Thanks for the suggestion tho.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>