I've posted before on this topic, but I have a better understanding of it now. Here's the problem:<P>My fiance who I've been with for 7 years had a 3 month long affair with a co-worker. She has been living with a friend since D-day, a month ago. We tried to work on it, but she couldn't put her heart into it because she has feelings for this OM. She is absolutely torn.<P>To allow myself to heal, and to try to get her out of the pain she is in, I left her a few days ago. I thought that if I took myself out of the picture, she would go back to this guy and either be happy, or eventually want to come back (not sure if I'd take her back if that happened). She was very heartbroken and couldn't stop crying.<P>Well, it appears as though it is working in reverse. She can't be with him either because she's always thinking about me. She's talked about just running away from everything to give herself a chance to heal, to get over 1 or both of us. She's just devastated.<P>I asked for my ring back, and she said that she wanted to keep it, because it's a symbol of hope for her that someday we'll be back together again. She also said that she feels like she's making the worst mistake of her life in letting me go, but can't help her feelings for him.<P>Any ideas about how to deal with this? I'm at the point now where I think I should just try to move on with my life. Should I tell her to go to this guy? Help! And thanks in advance.

Redon,<P>No you shouldn't tell her to go to this guy, unless you really don't want anything else to do with her. I would suggest that she return the ring to you when she has decided. I would not tell her to keep it, because I think legally it is may be considered hers. <P>I would make it clear that you do want the ring back. But she should give it to you if and when she decides what to do. I do think she is in withdrawal and the feelings for OM will go away, IF she has no more contact with him.<P>That is your problem. If you leave her, she may go back to him and your relationship will indeed be over. If you are having second thoughts about marrying her ( I would definitely be in this camp), then hang around until YOU decide what you want to do. If you have decided that you want to be out of this relationship, get the ring back and leave. If she wants the OM she will go there.<P>You have to make decisions about yourself, before you decide on a course of action. You two aren't married so now would be a really really good time to dig deep within yourself and make your decisions.<P>Sorry I cannot be of more help.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

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I would definitely be in the doubts-about-marrying-her camp, but my 2 cents worth is related to the ring. I believe that, in most states, you're legally entitled to get the ring back. It was offered to seal the promise to marry, but she broke the promise (with the affair), not you. In the case where the woman backs out, for whatever reason/by whatever means she does it, she's supposed to return the ring. If you had had the affair or otherwise broken the arrangement, she would be entitled to keep it.<P>I'd be very careful in thinking over taking her back though. I've been married for 10 years to someone I thought would never have an affair. He did and is getting ready to file for divorce. After doing some research, I've found that he fits the description, almost perfectly, of someone with Passive Aggressive Personality Disorder. I realize now that I've been letting him lead me down the wrong path and damage my self esteem in the process. Not anymore. <P>God bless you.

It's time to make the biggest decision you'll ever make. Who do you marry? No one knows her like you, so only you will know if she's worth it. Every marriage is a mixture of good and bad, of love and realism. If your family is NOT, I repeat, NOT, judgemental, then go to your family with this. I wish i would have had a Father or Mother to talk to when I was young. If you cannot speak to family, then find a strong mentor like a Pastor. They will not judge your ex-fiance. You must weigh the balance between her virtues and her failings. Just thank God you found out before you were married.<P>My personal feelings are that she has learned, but you should not marry her. It is just too big of a risk. You will always have love for her. Someday you may even be able to help her. If God means you to be together then let it be apart for a while. Let her withdraw from the fog, and you need to re-examine yourself. Go make yourself a better person. You will either return to her refreshed and ready and AWARE, or you will be a better catch for another woman.<P>Let the Lord renew your Spirit!<BR>Invictus