I hope I don't get judged here but I truely need help. I have been married for 21 years this coming Sat. I got married when I was 15 and he was 18. It was wonderful the first year then we started arguing all the time. He hit me several times but looking back maybe I deserved it. <BR>We were together for 15 years 24 hours a day 7 days a week even though we fought a lot we still had what I thought was a good relationship.<BR>I decided I wanted to go back to school so he stayed working at the casino from 7p.m. till 3 a.m. The casino seemed to become his life. It was all he talked about. He was seldom home and started gambling a LOT. He would lose his whole paycheck sometimes. All we seemed to do anymore was argue about him never being home. He didn't want to talk to me unless it was about the casino he had no interest in anything with me not even a hug or kiss much less sex.<BR>I met someone on the internet in a game and we talked a lot it was as if we could talk for endless hours and never tire of each others company. He begged to meet me and I said no. There was never any sexual or even flirty talk we just became wonderful friends. My son became friends with him in game too and they started talking on the phone then he and I started talking on the phone. <BR>I then told him he could come meet me and my son but that it would be only a friendship. Anyway he came and we knew at first sight we loved each other. I told him that still nothing could happen because I was married he said he understood and wanted to stay friends. My husband became more and more distant and would throw things. I told him if he didn't stop I was going to leave him. One day he threatened me with a gun I called the person to come get me. I went there and took my youngest son with me my oldest son didn't want to go. Anyway after 2 weeks I missed my home and other son so much and felt that maybe I had done the wrong thing or I guess felt guilty is how to explain it. <BR>I came back home and told my husband that I wanted to come back my parents bought the house for me but I didn't want to kick my husband out. I moved back and told my husband I wanted to try to work things out he said he would "try" He would get home hours after he got off work but would say he was tired and fell asleep on the side of the road. I have always believed him so believed this. One morning he didn't come home and called that afternoon and said he wouldn't be coming home that he couldn't forgive me for what I had done said he had never loved me and had been miserable for a long long time. <BR>He moved in with his mother. My friend moved in with me and has been living with me since (4) years. My husband won't give me a divorce he comes up with ever excuse in the world. My friend wants to marry me. I have told my husband that I would do anything in the world to work our marriage out he refuses to even talk about it. I am so confused. On the one hand I know I love my friend I know he has been there through everything. He doesn't drink he doesn't do things away from me he is home right after work. He loves my son and does things with him tons more than my husband ever did. Recently my daughter and my 2 grandsons have moved in with me and he fixed them a room. I stay home and he works and he is fine with this too.<BR>I just don't know what to do. I love my husband I can't really explain if I love him because we grew up together or because he is the father of my children. I just know I love him. I know that pictures and certain smells make me think of him. I cry a LOT especially late at night when noone is up. I just can't get over him. My friend doesn't know this but I think he senses it. My husband comes at night his 2 days off and visists my son and when I see him my heart aches. He is still very hateful and says mean things to me but in his eyes I swear I see love. Maybe I am fooling myself maybe I just think that because I want to. I just need to know what to do. <BR>I have asked God to show me I have prayed endless hours. <BR>People have told me my husband can't change but I think anyone can change. I need anyone that will help me and care to share thoughts or experiences with me.<BR>I know that sending my friend away would kill me but if it meant getting my marriage back I would do it if my marriage would work. My parents think I should forget about my husband my sisters do too. My son thinks that my friend is the best person for me. Still, my heart says my husband is who is best for me. <BR>If anyone can offer any thoughts or help I would appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

Maybe you are so attached to your husband because of all the years you have invested in the relationship. No one ever "deserves" to be hit, regardless, and throwing things? His anger was way out of control. What was going to happen next if you didn't split up? Gambling away his entire (ENTIRE) paycheck when he had a family to support? How selfish can anybody be? What are you thinking to want to go back to that?<P>I'm not judging you in any way so please don't think that. I just wonder how you could ignore all these horrible things that you have listed. Perhaps he IS a good person deep down inside, but he has treated you and your kids horribly by his actions. What sort of husband and father was he teaching your sons to grow up to be? By not granting you a divorce, it sounds to me like what he is communicating is that if HE can't have you then no one will have you. But when he had you, all he did (it sounds like), was abuse you!???<P>If your friend is willing to stay with you, put up with your husband-by-name-only's (HBNO's) attitude, and take care of you and your HBNO's kids, then so be it. Your "marriage" sounds like nothing much, sounds like your friend is more of a dad to your kids than their own biological father, and more considerate to you than your HBNO ever could be.

<BR>Hello and Welcome to Marriage Builders!<P>First, I would like to share two links with you. Just click on the underlined links here, and read –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi10_tour.html" TARGET=_blank>Tour of Marriage Builders</A> and <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome</A>. <P>Please read everything you can on this site, post and read often!! <P>I have been betrayed and betrayer, so I have the dubious honor of knowing what infidelity does from BOTH SIDES of the situation. <P>I believe in the concepts espoused here, if applied properly. One idea that has worked *wonders* for some couples is Plan A. Read about it here –><A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>What Are Plan A and Plan B</A>.<P>Use what you learn here to make your marriage a safe place where you do your best to meet the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html" TARGET=_blank>Emotional Needs</A> of your spouse,and avoid <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html" TARGET=_blank>Love Busters</A> whenever possible. . When a decision must be made, use the <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3500_policy.html" TARGET=_blank>POJA</A> to determine the final outcome that you can both agree upon.<P>Many couples find that counseling is VERY helpful, and the counseling provided here is excellent for several reasons; but the most important is that it goes along with the concepts here. Check it out here –> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi7000_counsel.html" TARGET=_blank>Counsel Link</A><P>Again, welcome to our community, and feel free to write often and ask lots of questions!<BR><P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>And we know. We who have seen. ~Pellegrino