It was bad enough that we lived the way we did over the last year. Her emotions, mine. I didn't want her to move across the state, but she did. I learned to deal with that, but I never got use to it. Its a 'seperation', to which I didn't want. Now after all of the growth and learning she has done, there is trouble once again, a big mess. She was doing so good and I'm so proud of her. She was growing without me, without anyone there and I hoped she would find herself and invite me back into her life. I was right. I missed it and that is what is troubling me soooooo much. She wanted me a month ago and I can't take the guilt of not being there to accept when she was ready. The rollercoaster just started again. My stomach hasn't been in knots like this in a very long time. I know the sleepless nights are coming next, the anxiety and the fear. The uneasiness of not knowing what is coming next is scary. I love her and I want her in my life. She touched my soul with her words this weekend, even though it was an opportunity missed. I hate myself for being so damn stupid. This is killing me inside. I really need someone to talk to but I have no one except my boys. I have nothing. I am alone. I am so scared.

Dear H2U,<P>Don't be scared nor give up. This board has some pretty good group of guys out there that along with us gals will give you the support your need. I have to rush out on an errand. But someone will post soon. <P>Please keep talking to us.<P>L.

H2You....<P>What is stopping you from calling her and telling what you just said here. Let her know she touched you, let her know what you are feeling. Am I not working with all the info? What did I miss? If you want it, and she is open to it, go get it!! Speak to her from the heart! See if what you heard, is really what she meant? Fight for what you believe, what you feel, and who you love!!<P>*Out of our greatest fears, come our greatest deeds!*<P>Trueheart

I know most of those good guys and girls. I have been here off and on for nearly 3 years. I of course have changed my username. Giving up. I don't know how. At times I wish I did.

True...<P>The 'big mess' went to her when she asked him to come. I wasn't aware of her feelings and treated her badly for weeks on end. I reached that breaking point finally. I'm over it now, and remorseful for what I did. Especially now....

H2You,<P>You are not alone, there are lots of us here that want to help. I don't know all your details, but it sounds to me like you have taken the right steps. Coming here and letting it all out is a big step.<P>Hang in there. Perhaps trueheart's suggestions might be something to consider.<P>Is she familiar with MB and the concepts, as well as this forum?<P>Keep talking to us, and if there are any more details that you can provide, we'll listen and comment.<P>

H2Y,<P>Why were you not able to go to her a month ago? Was that the only time she wanted to see you? What has been happening in the last month. I am sorry I don't really understand the situation. Why have you given up?<P>R

I didn't give up. I turned away to find myself, got lost and made the worst mistake yet. If not for my marriage, for myself. I got occupied and I'm not proud of the road I went down.

Rick she is very familiar with it... there was a war here 2 years ago, when the OM came here. I am only here now because I have no where to turn.

Well I just got off the phone with her and she talked to the kids and I. They are so sweet with her when they talk to her. I truley miss that interaction that they use to have together. But do to the seperation I don't get to see that very often. Alot of that is my fault for being such and [censored]. <P>I asked her what she truly meant about wanting me to come back to her and she said she got to that point in her growth where she wanted me, but that she would have never asked me. I don't understand this. She wants me but she doesn't want to ask. I don't get it. Then she turns around and goes right back to what tore us down over the last 2 years. I told her tonight that I am so proud of her, for making something of herself without any help, from me, from him. It took her doing this to find out that I was something in her life but she has let go. I don't understand it. Then she turns right back to him. I know I made a horrible mistake for turning my back on her and betraying her. But I don't understand her. I was the one who was apt to make a mistake. Not her. She had so much going for her. I don't know what she wants for her self now. The boys and I want to relocate, there where she is at. I will be leaving nothing for nothing. But the boys will be near their mommy. And she and I might one day have the opportunity to follow that deep seeded love that I know she still has for me in her heart. <P>She needed to get some sleep, and promised me she would call me later after I got the kids to sleep. Now I sit here and await a call from her. I told her I couldn't take another night or day without knowing what she wanted. If she doesn't wake up, if she doesn't call, I'll be a wreck by morning. I'll be back in a few.

H2u,<P>You need to get some rest. Think of it so that you will be refreshed when she calls. The children need to have you there for them also. You have been here at MB for a long time, you know where this is coming from. But a friendly reminder doesn't hurt. We all need reminders. <P>So the easy to say, hard to do advice is to get some shut eye. Don't worry, your ears won't go to sleep, they will be on guard and awaken you when that phone rings. <P>L.<BR>

Mexican cocktail may put me there sooner than I realize. Up yesterday at 9:30am, got home at 5:00am after driving for 5 hours, went to work and still here. I am going to wait till midnight and then I'm off to bed. I appreciate the advice to sleep, but there is no way, my guts will rest so I can sleep.

okay<BR>off<BR>to<BR>bed<BR>now<BR>for<BR>me<BR>now<BR>that<BR>keyboard<BR>is<BR>stuck<BR>