Ok, I posted for the first time today and here are some of those questions I was going to ask. It has been 9 months since I told my wife I was having an affair. I was very good about hiding it and while she had a tiny bit of a hint, it still crushed her when I told her. And I mean CRUSHED her. To see this awesomely strong woman, highly intelligent, beautiful person fold in on herslef is the worst thing I have ever seen in my life. I am military and have been for 12 years. Trust me, I have seen some heart wrenching and outright horrible things. But to see my wife's spirit break, her joy depart. That was the worst of all. I have not only hurt her, but I have also just about destroyed myself over this. Now the problems that were there before I cheated are still there. We are trying to get past the hurt and all now. But it is slow. And will be I know. I ask these questions:<BR>1) What can I do to reassure my wife that it is over? That I am not going to email this person again, call this person again or even try a ouija board to communicate with this person in 50 years. Once the affair was in the open, my need to drink all the time and to talk to the OW disappeared. Now, all I want to do is please my wife. Talk to her. Be with her and hold her. To be the man of the house. I haven't felt that way in a long time because of what I was doing, but now I do. <BR>2) Sometimes I find myself getting awfully frustrated with my wife. Then I immediately feel like an A$$ because of all the things I have done. So I never get anything out until I blow up. WHich is usually at the most inopprotune times. How do I approach her? What will I do when I am in another country for a year and she is sitting at home stewing wondering if I am out there acting on old instincts?<BR>3)If you have cheated on your spouse, when do you stop crying over it every time you think of it? How do you cope with this tremendous feeling of self disgust?How do you deal with the fact that your an adulterer, and nothing can ever change what you have done? If anything, these feelings alone, at first, almost made me give up and tell my wife I WANTED A DIVORCE AND THAT I DIDN'T LOVE HER ANYMORE. Not so I could be with the OW, GOD no!!!!, but because I love her so damned much that I don't trust myself and am scared I will hurt her again. Today I don't feel that I will ever cheat again. But she deserves SO much better than what I have given her. <P>Home alone and my departure date is August 14th. These things are really eating at me today.<P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.

Down Time, I don't know if I'm the one to be answering this but I felt the need to. I am the betrayed spouse in my marriage and although my H hasn't admitted the affair I just know. I understand how hurt you must feel to know what damage you have done to her but please remember it IS fixable. Tell her what you have told us here, Show her your post if necessary. It speaks volumes, trust me. You ask how to approach her...do it with love and with the understanding that she needs time to heal. I think most men (sorry guys) have a tendency to blow up when they are frustrated, especially when the frustration is over something that they can't "fix" and when it's something they have caused. Just keep trying to prove your love for her and read up on all the things on this site. They are amazingly helpful. Lots of luck to you.

Congratulations DT, you truely sound like a changed man. I know just about everyone on this board would absolutely love to hear their WS talk like you have. You have rounded a corner, are out of the 'Fog', and have taken the first very large, very difficult steps towards reconcilliation.<P>I agree with TD, your W would probably like to see this post.<P>Some brief answers to your questions, IMO:<P>1) Show her the post, follow the Rule of Total Honesty, allow and encourage her to ask anything she wants, to look into all aspects of your life. You must now be an open book to her. Give her time and space to let these things happen and do whatever you can to make her feel safe and comfortable.<P>2) Learn to talk to her in a non confrontational way, to create a safe environment for the both of you to express your honest thoughts with each other. Read and follow the articles that are found on this site. Look into counselling.<P>3) Turn to her for support. The both of you have to be each others support and help each other through recovery. Both of you are hurting badly, become each other's best friend. Try not to let the past eat away at you, instead focus on building a future. That's where your energy should be now.<P>All the best,

I am BS and also have the understanding of living on military base and certain lifestyles.<P>Is there any possible way you would be open to an early out? Get a civilian job in another state? Start all over with your W? I know this sounds very radical, but your actions were very radical. A year away from her will be very hard on the marriage, but after your confession will be much much worse. <P>After my H's A, he got a new job (no it was not military at that time) in a new state and we moved. This was I think the best thing that eased my fears. Now it most definately was not the only thing. My H is a completely changed man after this huge mistake he made. <P>Let your W see your feelings. Make sure she knows how important she is to you. Most importantly, pray for her.

First off, I would like to thank you folks for posting a response. There are some very good points here that I have considered deeply and will put into action. The first of which has been to read more on this board and the site.<P>Very Hurt...to answer your question first, no, getting out of the military right now is not feasible. The only early out I could get right now would more than likely result in a bad conduct discharge or other than honorable. Plus, the wife would think I was insane for even entertaining that thought. I only have 7 1/2 years left to retirement. She would think I was nuts!<P>Redon and TD, As far as telling my W about this post, I am not sure that would be a good idea. I could see her getting on here and defending herself before I saw anything of value come of it. I could be wrong, but the last thing I want three weeks before I leave is to get into a big arguement with her. And to say that I just have to remain calm is very correct, but very difficult also. I will say that since all of this came about, I have found that I don't anger as quick and my outbursts are shorter lived. And I haven't punched a wall in ages. Nice to not have to spend half a day repairing my stupidity. :-)<BR>Maybe I just don't get the "non-confrontational" way and come across like that no matter how I percieve myself as coming across. I try very hard to bring these things to her attention. If I bring up how she talks to the kids, then it is bacause I cheated on her. If I say anything about the way she talks to me when irritated/angry....ie...huge amounts of sarcasm, then she says if I wouldn't have messed around, she wouldn't be that way. Even though she has been that way for a long time prior to my A. My W is very defensive. If something happens, the blame has to be pinned immediately, clarified to death and then commented on for awhile there after. Should it look as though that blame is coming her way, then shift fire and point out how badly someone else screwed up, even if it was days/weeks/years ago. There is an open door here. My A opened it and since it is there, I will try to use it to get closer to my W than we have ever been before. It is just very frustrating and with this departure of mine coming up, I feel like I am going to miss this opprotunity if a profound revelation doesn't happen on her part prior to my leaving. The fact that I find it difficult to tell her how I feel about our relationship is seated in that she IS so defensive. I don't know what else to say except that I shall take your advice and talk to her this weekend. But I doubt I will be directing her to my posts here. I feel like an a$$ for saying any of this about her after what I have done, but these are some of the factors that led to my A in the first place. And yes, I DO know that there are a WHOLE lot of different things out there I could have sought/done or inquired about than an affair. Selfishness is the first thing I have had to give up. Not totally there....but working hard on it!<P>Thanks again folks.<P><P>------------------<BR>DT<P>Stupid is as stupid does.