Greetings,<P><BR>Thanks for taking a peek into this thread. I have a few questions for those of you that have been involved in an affair at the work place. Where the OP is either a fellow employee, boss, subordinate, customer or vendor. Please do not hesitate to respond for your WS if you are the BS and you feel objectivly answer on their behalf.<P><BR>Before we go any further I would like to tell you these questions are solely based to quantify or debunk some of my own opinions about workplace affairs. I personally feel workplace affairs have some specific dynamics that make them uniquely different. For those of you who don’t know me, I've been a regular member of MB forum since 11/99 and a BS for at least a year followed by becoming a WS for a few weeks. We (wife & I) are long since over the cheating days and are still working on picking up the broken pieces to see if they can still make a whole picture when put together.<P>Lastly I hope we can all gain some insight from the others here whilst refraining from bashing one another's opinion. Thank you in advance for your time.<P><BR>1. Are you the BS or WS?<P>2. Are you or are you answering for the OM or OW?<P>3. Is/was the affair heterosexual in nature?<P>4. Was the OM of the party considered respected, influential or powerful amongst the peers of the OW? Did this have a contributing influence?<P>5. Did either of the parities to the affair travel for business? Was it ever together or to meet?<P>6. Did the parties to the affair ever actively steal (strong word I know) from their place of business? I.E. use company expenses to dine, drink, travel or conduct non-work activities at the office place or on the clock?<P>7. What general profession were the parties (I.E. Technical, Sales, management, service, trades)?<P>8. Prior to the EA or PA did they ever work OT, long hours together or quasi-social work (wining & dinning clients, etc)?<P>9. Was there suspicion by either soon to be BS prior to the PA and did that suspicion or jealousy contribute to deepen the A?<P>10. Explain at what point did you realize that this situation was beyond a workplace friendship and that your marriage was at risk (so to speak)?<P>11. What could you or you spouse reasonably done prior to the PA to change the course of events. <P>12. Did the fact that this was occurring in the work place influence your decision or thinking on the previous question? Meaning most of us married folks have been approach or flirted with in non-work type environments and have no fear of repercussion by ignoring or not responding to such advances. <P>13. Do you still feel that same way about the OP after seeing & learning about their life outside of the work place?<P>14. Do you feel that because the affair was based in the work place that it was easier or harder to break it off? Why?<P>15. Any other questions, comments or topics you would like to add or cover?<P>Once again, Thanks for your time and opinions.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Hi Infidelity (edited July 23, 2001).]

Hi: I'll answer the questions.<P>1. BS<BR>2. I'm answering for the OM, my H<BR>3. Heterosexual<BR>4. Yes, no<BR>5. No<BR>6. Yes, on the clock to conduct PA<BR>7. Ws, management, OW, lowlife subordinate<BR>8. No<BR>9. Yes, suspicion, from the very beginning<BR>10.Ws became aloof, lost weight, became depressed. <BR>11.I could have exposed them to WS boss. Ws could have made the decision not to cross the line in the first place.<BR>12.WS claims it didn't matter that it was at the workplace. OW was an easy opportunity just waiting to be had.<BR>13.Yes, for me as BS. WS says yes also after he learned more about OW. Actually, when the fog lifted and he could see what he was really dealing with.<BR>14.WS says yes for two reasons. Was afraid of repercussions from OW if he did continue PA, and he still was caught up in the addiction of the PA.<BR>15. WS spouse was fired from his job because of this and actually felt relieved. It took him two months to find new employment, and went back to OW for one last f***. This is when the fog lifted for him. I didn't find out about the last contact until a year later. It was quite a setback. We have since healed, and our marriage is better than before. <BR>

<B>1. Are you the BS or WS?</B> BS.<P><B>2. Are you or are you answering for the OM or OW?</B> OM, my husband.<P><B>3. Is/was the affair heterosexual in nature?</B> This one was. My husband is a denying, closet bisexual.<P><B>4. Was the OM of the party considered respected, influential or powerful amongst the peers of the OW? Did this have a contributing influence?</B> Very much so; most definitely.<P><B>5. Did either of the parities to the affair travel for business? Was it ever together or to meet?</B> No, they work in a hospital.<P><B>6. Did the parties to the affair ever actively steal (strong word I know) from their place of business? I.E. use company expenses to dine, drink, travel or conduct non-work activities at the office place or on the clock?</B> My husband used company time to send me a spate of hate email, castigating me and ending our marriage. This must have taken him several hours overall.<P><B>7. What general profession were the parties (I.E. Technical, Sales, management, service, trades)?</B> My husband is a respiratory therapy supervisor, and the OW is a registered nurse.<P><B>8. Prior to the EA or PA did they ever work OT, long hours together or quasi-social work (wining & dinning clients, etc)?</B> Never worked overtime. They undoubtedly went out among mutual friends from work, then dated each other exclusively.<P><B>9. Was there suspicion by either soon to be BS prior to the PA and did that suspicion or jealousy contribute to deepen the A?</B> My husband has been seeing this woman for 5-6 months (we've been separated a year, trying to reunite). I asked him on many occasions if he was involved with another woman, and he denied this. At the end of our relationship, he grew hostile towards me. He announced how he was "seeing a couple of people, no strings, no expectations, and it FEELS GOOD!" He doesn't know the extend of my knowledge about he and the OW.<P><B>10. Explain at what point did you realize that this situation was beyond a workplace friendship and that your marriage was at risk (so to speak)?</B> He would come over and visit with my son and me. When we had sex, I had the odd feeling he was having an affair with me. There was no love or passion expressed, just clinical, go-for-it sex. I knew then something serious was happening, and he wasn't being honest about it.<P><B>11. What could you or you spouse reasonably done prior to the PA to change the course of events.</B> My husband could have quit drinking and carousing, and been honest with me. Unless this was done, there would be no relationship. I did not come first in his life. I was #7 down his list. <P><B>12. Did the fact that this was occurring in the work place influence your decision or thinking on the previous question? Meaning most of us married folks have been approach or flirted with in non-work type environments and have no fear of repercussion by ignoring or not responding to such advances.</B> No. It happened in the workplace because it was convenient and he is admired there. His other affair began there. I used to work in the same environment with the same flirtatous people and I never strayed or had an affair. <P><B>13. Do you still feel that same way about the OP after seeing & learning about their life outside of the work place?</B> I did not know her before the affair. They were well entrenched in an EA with a PA beginning when I began to have suspicions.<P><B>14. Do you feel that because the affair was based in the work place that it was easier or harder to break it off? Why?</B> My H and OW are keeping this secret at work. I suspect the impropriety of an exit affair would tarnish the image of my H and brand OW unfavorably. In their case, I believe the bond is strong because of my husband's great fear of abandonment. His emotional immaturity would not allow him to maturely face his marital issues, and having an affair to prove what a terrible person I was justified our demise in his mind.<P><B>15. Any other questions, comments or topics you would like to add or cover?</B> We are well on our way to divorcing. Somehow, I want to believe he will see the light and do the right thing, but as they say, the fog is just too thick. It is so hard to believe our break-up was not about me, when the person I loved for 14 years claims otherwise. Intellectually I know better, but the emotions do tend to overide logic at times.<P>I will be interested to read the feedback by the author of this survey.<P>Thank you,<BR>Nell <P>

1. Are you the BS or WS?<BR>BS<BR>2. Are you or are you answering for the OM or OW?<BR>PM - MY HUSBAND (HOWEVER OW WAS ALSO MARRIED)<BR>3. Is/was the affair heterosexual in nature?<BR>YES<BR>4. Was the OM of the party considered respected, influential or powerful amongst the peers of the OW? Did this have a contributing influence?<BR>YES, OM WAS SUPERVISOR WORKED IN COMPANY FOR 13 YEARS, OW JUSTED STARTED AND WAS COMPUTER ILLETERATE, EVERYONE LOVED MY HUSBAND - EVERYONE HATED HER!<P>5. Did either of the parities to the affair travel for business? Was it ever together or to meet? NO<P>6. Did the parties to the affair ever actively steal (strong word I know) from their place of business? I.E. use company expenses to dine, drink, travel or conduct non-work activities at the office place or on the clock?<BR>USED COMPANY VOICE MAIL TO STAY IN TOUCH EVEN ON WEEKENDS, WENT FOR ALL THEIR BREAKS TOGETHER (SMOKE AND COFFEE) REPORTS FROM COWORKERS STATE THEY "WERE MISSING" ALOT. - NOT MUCH TIME SPENT WORKING?<P>7. What general profession were the parties (I.E. Technical, Sales, management, service, trades)?<BR>PRINTING - SHE WAS IN PRODUCTION - HIM IN COMPUTERS<P>8. Prior to the EA or PA did they ever work OT, long hours together or quasi-social work (wining & dinning clients, etc)?<BR>MY HUSBAND WORKED OCCASIONAL OT - SHE NEVER PUT IN ONE MINUTES OVERTIME. THEY HAD THEIR SEXUAL ENCOUNTERS OVER THE LUNCH HOURS IN A NEARBY HOTEL <BR>9. Was there suspicion by either soon to be BS prior to the PA and did that suspicion or jealousy contribute to deepen the A?<BR>I NEVER SUSPECTED A THING - BUT I NEVER EVEN KNEW SHE EXISTED, APPARENTLY HER HUSBAND (WHO WORKED WITH THEM) SUSPECTED AND ACTUALLY DUG FOR INFORMATION UNTIL HE CAUGHT THEM.<BR>10. Explain at what point did you realize that this situation was beyond a workplace friendship and that your marriage was at risk (so to speak)? WHEN HE HAD TO TELL ME ABOUT THE AFFAIR BECAUSE SHE WAS CAUGHT AND HER HUSBAND WAS GOING TO TELL ME, I NEVER KNEW HER - HE NEVER MENTIONED HER NAME TO ME ONCE<P>11. What could you or you spouse reasonably done prior to the PA to change the course of events. <BR>BEEN AWARE THAT THERE WAS A PROBLEM<BR>12. Did the fact that this was occurring in the work place influence your decision or thinking on the previous question? Meaning most of us married folks have been approach or flirted with in non-work type environments and have no fear of repercussion by ignoring or not responding to such advances. MY HUSBAND GOT FIRED FOR HIS OFFICE AFFAIR AND HE WAS ONCE A TREMENDOUS FLIRT SINCE THIS HE HAS LEARNED TO REMAIN PROFESSIONAL WITH ALL COWORKERS.<P>13. Do you still feel that same way about the OP after seeing & learning about their life outside of the work place? I NEVER KNEW HER BEFORE I FOUND OUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR, I KNOW MY HUSBAND NOW HATES THE WOMAN, I ALWAYS HATED HER <P>14. Do you feel that because the affair was based in the work place that it was easier or harder to break it off? Why?<BR>MORE AWKWARD BECAUSE THE ENTIRE PLANT KNEW ABOUT IT, EVERYONE WAS TALKING ABOUT IT AND THEY HAD TO WORK TOGETHER AFTER THE AFFAIR WAS OUT IN THE OPEN AND OVER, ALSO THEY WORKED WITH HER HUSBAND<BR>15. Any other questions, comments or topics you would like to add or cover?<BR>I SOMETIMES THINK SHE HAD AN AFFAIR RIGHT UNDER HER HUSBAND'S NOSE FOR SOME SORT OF REVENGE AFFAIR AND MY HUSBAND WAS JUST A PON IN SOME GAME BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM.<BR> <P> <P>

1. Are you the BS or WS? Betrayed<P>2. Are you or are you answering for the OM or OW?<P>My H, involved in at least two long-term EAs. I have no proof of a PA but it would not surprise me in the least.<P>3. Is/was the affair heterosexual in nature? Hetero<P>4. Was the OM of the party considered respected, influential or powerful amongst the peers of the OW? Did this have a contributing influence?<P>He was their boss, and quite a name in this company.<P>5. Did either of the parities to the affair travel for business? Was it ever together or to meet?<P>I found out much later that one of them had taken at least one out-of-state plane trip with him. He "doesn't remember" if there were any more.<P>6. Did the parties to the affair ever actively steal (strong word I know) from their place of business? I.E. use company expenses to dine, drink, travel or conduct non-work activities at the office place or on the clock?<P>Well, you see, this is the *way cool* part of having a workplace affair, especially when WS is the Manager and OW is his ASSitant Manager! You can dine, drink, party, travel and conduct ALL of your activities on the clock because you can tell yourselves (and the Company) that "we're working! Yeah, that's the ticket!" And the Company is perfectly ok with this as long as the work still gets done!<P>So, the answer to your question is: Absofrigginlutely!<P>7. What general profession were the parties (I.E. Technical, Sales, management, service, trades)?<P>Senior Management (see above)<P>8. Prior to the EA or PA did they ever work OT, long hours together or quasi-social work (wining & dinning clients, etc)?<P>lol - constantly! see answer to question 6!<P>9. Was there suspicion by either soon to be BS prior to the PA and did that suspicion or jealousy contribute to deepen the A?<P>EA #1 did not have a husband or boyfriend. She didn't need one. She had my H.<P>EA #2 has/had a boyfriend who seemed nice but not too bright.<P>I, on the other hand, was always very very uncomfortable with the way he related to these women but (stupidly) bought the idea that it was "just work" and since he "always came home to me" there was nothing wrong with it!<P>10. Explain at what point did you realize that this situation was beyond a workplace friendship and that your marriage was at risk (so to speak)?<P>I always knew that this stuff was more than workplace friendship.<P>The sh*t finally hit the fan when we were at a wedding reception and a friend of his asked me a casual question about myself & my work. H walks up a moment later to join the conversation and assumes we are talking about OW, his close ASSistant, and begins talking on and on about her and how wonderful she is etc etc ad nauseaum - and is quite startled when the astonished friend gently tells him that we were talking about ME, not OW - <P>Well over one year later, with many broken dishes and knick-knacks along the way - to say nothing of my spending many nights spent on the couch - I *think* I am getting through to him.<P>11. What could you or you spouse reasonably done prior to the PA to change the course of events. <P>I'm laughing at the word "reasonably." I was the most reasonable and understanding wife you could imagine. It was only when I became VERY VERY UNREASONABLE that I even got his attention to the minor matter of his girlfriends.<P>12. Did the fact that this was occurring in the work place influence your decision or thinking on the previous question? Meaning most of us married folks have been approach or flirted with in non-work type environments and have no fear of repercussion by ignoring or not responding to such advances. <P>The problem in my H's case was the idea of "boundaries" - as in, "there aren't any at work." They ALL tell themselves that anything they do together is perfectly fine and entirely justified, because it's all WORK-RELATED, see?<P>Talk about fog!<P>13. Do you still feel that same way about the OP after seeing & learning about their life outside of the work place?<P>hatred, hatred, hatred.<P>14. Do you feel that because the affair was based in the work place that it was easier or harder to break it off? Why?<P>Way, way harder. One of them is out of state, but e-mail is right there on both of their desks. The other one no longer works directly for him but her office is about 30 feet from his.<P>15. Any other questions, comments or topics you would like to add or cover?<P><<<I personally feel workplace affairs have some specific dynamics that make them uniquely different.>>><P>I would certainly agree. A large corporate office, like my H's, make it very very easy to have an A, and I don't think this is any accident. The Company will do anything to keep their employees happily working long hours - what do you think all this Teambuilding (*spit*) crap is really about?<P>To enable this, the Company supplies them all with phones, e-mail, pagers, and cell phones, which are damn near impossible for anyone else to inspect because all of it is securely and tightly protected and controlled by the Company.<P>Now add in the many opportunities for socializing which the Company provides - breakfasts, lunches, dinners, and Teambuilding (*spit*), where which spouses are specifically prohibited. Perfect!<P>This is why, whenever I have to drive by the place, I think that "Companyname" is just an old Indian word for "wh*rehouse."<P>Psycho_B***h<BR>

I am the BS. I am answering for my H. The A was hetero. The OW is not well respected by the staff because of her potty mouth and beligerence. The OW is a young woman in charge of a region of our company. We own the company. H went out to work with her to set up the region and the EA started right away with the PA beginning a few months later. I should have been traveling with him the whole time. It's still going on. Because of all this she said she's quitting which means we may lose the region and because of a business agreement, will get sued. Rock and a hard place. <BR> On another note, my H number one emotional need is financial support. She quits, I get a job, I win?

^<BR>

<p>[ February 03, 2002: Message edited by: Kim101 ]</p>

1. Are you the BS or WS?<P>BS<P>2. Are you or are you answering for the OM or OW?<P>no, WS<P>3. Is/was the affair heterosexual in nature?<P>yes<P>4. Was the OM of the party considered respected, influential or powerful amongst the peers of the OW? Did this have a contributing influence?<P>H was manager, well liked<P>5. Did either of the parities to the affair travel for business? Was it ever together or to meet?<P>H and OW had many lunches, traveled to meetings and had two overnight 'business' trips. H made reservations for adjoining rooms, she arrived the day after him. Second trip, they could have gone in the morning but chose the night before, again H made reservations with her credit card, at a hotel she had used, and drove her car there. <P>6. Did the parties to the affair ever actively steal (strong word I know) from their place of business? I.E. use company expenses to dine, drink, travel or conduct non-work activities at the office place or on the clock?<P>Everything they did away from the office, lunches and business trysts, were on "expense account".<P>7. What general profession were the parties (I.E. Technical, Sales, management, service, trades)?<P>both management, OW- office, H- plant.<P>8. Prior to the EA or PA did they ever work OT, long hours together or quasi-social work (wining & dinning clients, etc)?<P>OW wanted to stay after hours and talk about her personal problems. H said he felt like her best friend and confidant.<BR>They had business lunches with clients, but that was never part of the affair. After hours in the conference room was the affair site. <P>9. Was there suspicion by either soon to be BS prior to the PA and did that suspicion or jealousy contribute to deepen the A?<P>I suspected from the first time I met OW, she treated me coldly. H says that was before anything had started. I don't know her H, but since they became a couple while he was married, in much the same way as this affair, I believe he would have sensed. <P>10. Explain at what point did you realize that this situation was beyond a workplace friendship and that your marriage was at risk (so to speak)?<P>When H gave all his time to OW, arriving home later and falling asleep in his chair. No conversation or intimacy at home.<P>11. What could you or you spouse reasonably done prior to the PA to change the course of events.<P>I wish I had gone to the office after hours, a few times in the beginning, it would have stopped the affair. <P>12. Did the fact that this was occurring in the work place influence your decision or thinking on the previous question? Meaning most of us married folks have been approach or flirted with in non-work type environments and have no fear of repercussion by ignoring or not responding to such advances. <P>H felt he was in his own element at the office, never would do anything away from there. Even the two business trips were very uncomfortable for him, felt the world was watching, and OW accused him of not 'being there' with her.<P>13. Do you still feel that same way about the OP after seeing & learning about their life outside of the work place?<P>I have no respect for OW as a woman or wife. She has done this with other married men, and pushed H to leave me when I had breast cancer treatment.<P>14. Do you feel that because the affair was based in the work place that it was easier or harder to break it off? Why?<P>I believe it would never have taken place otherwise. Harder to break it off because of daily exposure. OW finally said "no more" when H wouldn't leave with her, but H still tried to get her aroused a couple times after we were in counseling (he says it was just sex to him). I thought this was a problem with them going to lunches only, just found out after a year of talking that it had been PA all along (2 yr)<P>15. Any other questions, comments or topics you would like to add or cover?<P>Affair had ended for 6 months when both H and OW left that business. H has another job and OW moved away with her H. <P>

1. Are you the BS or WS? WS<P>2. Are you or are you answering for the OM or OW? MYSELF<P>3. Is/was the affair heterosexual in nature? YES<P>4. Was the OM of the party considered respected,<BR> influential or powerful amongst the peers of the OW? Did<BR> this have a contributing influence? YES, WE BOTH WERE. IT MIGHT HAVE BEEN AN INFLUENCE BECAUSE I KNOW I ADMIRED HIM.<P>5. Did either of the parities to the affair travel for<BR> business? Was it ever together or to meet? NO<P>6. Did the parties to the affair ever actively steal (strong<BR> word I know) from their place of business? I.E. use<BR> company expenses to dine, drink, travel or conduct<BR> non-work activities at the office place or on the clock? <BR> WE WOULD GO TO LUNCH TOGETHER BUT THAT TIME IS OFF OF THE CLOCK.<P> 7. What general profession were the parties (I.E.<BR> Technical, Sales, management, service, trades)? ENGINEER AND ASSISTANT<P>8. Prior to the EA or PA did they ever work OT, long<BR> hours together or quasi-social work (wining & dinning<BR> Clients, etc)? WE ONLY WORKED TOGETHER 9-5<P>9. Was there suspicion by either soon to be BS prior to<BR> the PA and did that suspicion or jealousy contribute to<BR> deepen the A? NOPE<P>10. Explain at what point did you realize that this<BR> situation was beyond a workplace friendship and that<BR> your marriage was at risk (so to speak)? AFTER BEING FRIENDS FOR ABOUT A YR. I REALIZED HOW JUST SEEING HIM EVERYDAY AT WORK AFFECTED ME. COULDN'T WAIT TO GET INTO THE OFFICE. THOUGHT ABOUT HIM OUTSIDE OF WORK. AFTER BEING AWAY ON VACATION I RETURNED TO A VOICE MAIL FROM HIM ASKING ABOUT MY VACATION AND I WAS TOLD THAT I HAD BEEN MISSED. REALIZED AT THAT POINT THAT HE FELT THE SAME WAY THAT I DID.<P>11. What could you or you spouse reasonably done prior<BR> to the PA to change the course of events. TOO MUCH TO ANSWER.<P>12. Did the fact that this was occurring in the work place<BR> influence your decision or thinking on the previous<BR> question? Meaning most of us married folks have been<BR> approach or flirted with in non-work type environments<BR> and have no fear of repercussion by ignoring or not<BR> responding to such advances. DON'T KNOW HOW TO ANSWER. <P> 13. Do you still feel that same way about the OP after<BR> seeing & learning about their life outside of the work<BR> Place? ABSOLUTELY<BR>14. Do you feel that because the affair was based in the<BR> work place that it was easier or harder to break it off?<BR> Why? WELL SHORTLY AFTER THE AFFAIR STARTED HE WAS PROMOTED TO ANOTHER BRANCH OFFICE SO WE DIDN'T CONTINUE TO WORK DIRECTLY TOGETHER IN THE SAME BUILDING. TO ANSWER THAT QUESTION I THINK IT DEPENDS. IF YOU WANT THE AFFAIR TO END AND YOU NO LONGER HAVE FEELINGS TOWARDS EA. OTHER I THINK YOU COULD WORK TOGETHER. BUT IF ONE OR BOTH OF YOU STILL HAVE FEELINGS TOWARDS EA. OTHER I DON'T THINK WORKING TOGETHER WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA AT ALL.<P><BR> <P> <BR> <BR> <BR> <BR> <P> <BR> <BR>