Just wondering here--why is it that we BS's can be so emotionally 'blind'?? Going through a lot of posts on this site, one theme comes up again and again: a spouse knows something is wrong (all kinds of clues and signs), YET he or she refuses to admit their WS just might be having an affair.<P>I've read a few of them this week and really got involved in the threads. Everyone else who is replying is also trying desparately to get the topic-starter to see that their loving spouse just may be a WS. In one case, the WS TOLD her H that the OM dresses oh-so-sexy, and she refuses to even so much as touch her H, let alone let him touch her. This change in her is so sudden and 'complete.' In another case, the unfortunate wife has been given a list (from her H!) of "don't do's"! The list is a clear-cut "keep-away-from-us-and-leave-us-alone" thing, and yet the wife says she isn't sure what's going on!!<P>Even I was easily duped, at the beginning of my H's EA (that is, until I started turning up some clues that were so obvious, they could not possibly mean anything else). WHY, I want to know, do we think this way? I've read over and over again that people are so stunned to think their spouses could cheat on them. (Hey! I was in that bunch at one time, too!) But, when so many clues are right in front of our noses, why do we refuse to see them?? What is it in us that makes us rationalize them away? <P>I would just really like to get a discussion going here and get other BS's opinions on this. In my own case, my H was a 'knight in shining armor' who would NEVER so much as look at another woman. Yeah...right. NOT!<P>Is is that we are afraid to be wrong (as in the WS truly IS a WS), and thereby vulnerable? Or is it that our spouses have so completely bamboozeled us into believing they are so wonderful? <P>What is everyone's opinion??<P>Best wishes to all...<BR>Winny<P>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 23, 2001).]<p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 23, 2001).]

Whoops! sorry...meant to edit and almost wound up posting same one all over again!<P>(too early in the day for typing!)<p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 23, 2001).]

I too, ignored all the signs in front of me. Oh, I knew something was wrong, all right. I even suspected an affair at times. I would confront him about it, he would deny it and I would end up feeling guilty for "over-reacting" and accusing him. I even found some sexual fantasy e-mails he sent the other person. He claimed that they were nothing more than fantasy and that nothing had ever really happened. I read the same e-mails again the other day and was astounded at how much was spelled out in black and white in front of me and I didn't realize it. I have beat myself up for 3 months asking why I didn't believe the voice inside my head; why I ignored the alarms sounding.<P>I think most of us want to trust our spouses. It takes so much mental energy to be suspicious all the time. It is easy to find another explanation for almost anything. In my case, I think that I finally found out the whole truth when I was at a point in my life where I could handle it. As I mentioned in a previous post, many of us fit the profile of a sexual co-addict and that is one way our spouses get by with so much for so long.<P>In my case, since my husband was with another man for 10 years, many of the traditional clues were not there: no lipstick, no phone hang-ups, no lying about who he was with. My husband has never been verbally or physically abusive. He's a good father. He helps around the house. He doesn't drink. Yet I still knew that something was wrong. We had no emotional or physical intimacy for years. I tried, I just couldn't come up with the answer or even come up with the right questions until one day, after pleading with God to help, everything fell into place and I found a journal he kept where he recorded the details of every meeting. There was no denying the truth then - for either of us.<P>I can't speak for others, but I guess that most of us want to believe that the person we married is good. Otherwise, why did we marry him? <P>

I think it's the trust thing. But also, in many cases, it seems the bahavior of the new WS is SOOOOOO foreign to their prior standards and behavior - an affair just doesn't fit.<P>Like my MIL said - "My daughter would NEVER do such a thing to you."<P>WAT

I think we are emotionally blind because there was no need not to trust. In my case, I was too trusting and easily forgive. I have questioned myself as to whether it may be me that is reading something that may not be there. Another reason is that we love the WS's so much that we just don't want to admit that they would betray us.Since I found out about the EA I have become more suspicious of her actions. I hate the feelings of suspicion and mistrust that are present. My wife will not discuss the OM and gets furious when I try to bring up the subject.

Hi Winnytoo,<P>Accusing my wife of an affair is a damned serious business. Not one I take (or took) lightly. If you're like me, hard evidence is hard to come by. I have snippets of information. Reports from a few freinds. Exhibitions of my wife's poor behaviour and choices. A few facts - like telephone bills. A whole bunch of lies (proven). And I have her behaviour towards me. Not a lot of hard evidence really.<P>However, I'm not stupid and I wasn't wrong - I'm just counting myself lucky that I got suspicious before the affair developed into a physical relationship.<P>

Hi there,<P> Good topic!.....In my case there were so many clues but were explained away with he" was unhappy with his job", he"is depressed", "the long work hours are killing him"(good one)...HOw can you argue with these explanations? <P>I had never been decieved at this level before so I was a novice and had never been around anyone I knew personally who was having an affair. <P>Another thing is I do think the WS becomes "expert at lying"......very hard to detect. LU <P>

My wife definitely has become an "expert at lying" and even pretending that everything is ok. I am only now starting to learn how to detect it in her, and know when something is amiss. Perhaps this inability to truly understand her hidden feelings and emotions is part of what has driven her away from me =(<P>Then again, I craft scenarios like that every day, blaming myself somehow for her EA and PA. I have always done that. I trusted her with all my heart, and the OM made fun of that to her, and they laughed about it. But while he thinks I am just some dumb sap, the truth is that I am one of those "dumb saps" that still believe in love, and devotion. Just because he doesn't get that love and devotion from his wife, doesn't mean that it doesn't exist. <P>We're romantic saps, let's face it. And I hope I never lose that.

Yes us BS are blind. My H is the WS. Yes my husband sent sexual e-mails to the other woman, which our teenage son found. Same remark, they were all just fantasy - lies! It is the trust. We married because these people were our best friend, our lovers, our soulmates, the person we were to spend the rest of our lives with, and we confided in them everything. TRUST is a big factor, and now we have no TRUST at all. I don't trust my husband very much. There is a little trust. But he has been so deceitful to myself and the family. Money, time, sexual actions and everything. I try to hear about the other woman, but it hurts like H***! Yes I can bear it sometimes, but when I can't then he comes around with see if I will be honest with you. I am only human too, and at times the hurt HURTS so bad. Don't they realize there is a breaking point for the BS too? Then he comes back with it is always about you. |Well, I am the one hearing this stuff so yes it is about me, my feelings. I am the one who has to bear and listen to this stuff everyday. What he and the OW did, feelings, emotions and etc. When do we get sympathy from the WS? I guess we don't, we are here by ourself with no protection and the WS doesn't care, there comment is just listen and be nice. I AM HUMAN TOO WITH EMOTIONS, LOST TRUST WITH MY H!

Hi, Everyone!<BR>Wow..this topic is but an hour old and already there are quite a few responses. Thank you all for your posts and I have to agree with each one of them.<P>TRUST...we all agree here, don't we? When our WS's betrayed our trust and love for them, it knocked us all senseless. Perhaps that is how this blind spot comes about? Unable to process the 'new'information about our spouses, we go into shock and NOTHING makes sense anymore! Not the past, the present, and God help us, the future. <P>To each one of you who answered so far, I want to reach out so very much and console you in your pain. Oh, how well do I know how it all hurts!!!<P>I think we should not beat ourselves up over being blind, although I know we all do it at some point. Being able to talk it out, like we do here on MB, is wonderful therapy because it allows us to express ourselves without fear or judgement. <P>Like the rest of you, I was very blind to my H's indiscretion, too, and for the very same reasons you all cited (except for fighting spirit's answer and wow, does my heart ever go out to you!). I just thought something up...see how you like this:<P>T - is for two people in love<BR>R - romance, to be held dear and nurtured always<BR>U - unity in heart, mind, and spirit<BR>S - selflessness, giving of one's self to the other<BR>T - time, as in "for all time", and not just until the going gets too rough or something better comes along.<P>It's a small word but it packs a whallop.<P>Hope we keep this thread going for a while...would like to see even more answers!<P>Hugs and best wishes,<BR>Winny<P><BR><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 23, 2001).]

I guess my situation is a bit unique, but I'd like to throw in my two cents.<P>For two years I saw this happening. I tried like to hell to stop it. I would tell my H, you are going to fall for someone else, he would say "never". My H had these "voids" where he would get really low and not love me (he didn't love himself, how could he love me?). It took its toll over the years, the depressions got more frequent, and eventually the EA happened.<P>I think both of us (WS and BS) just didn't want to admit something was really wrong and my H needed professional help. I thought I could win him back with love, he thought he was fine because he would jump out of his depression and be on top of the world (and love me again). <P>I'm lucky in that I trust my H to some degree. I never know where his manicness/depression is going to take him, but I do know I'll find out about it and know the truth, many times before it happens. Thank you lord for finally getting my H into counseling...<P>So, in retrospect, both my H and I were "blind" because we just didn't want to accept what was happening to us (in all aspects). It couldn't happen to US! Yes, it can and did. All the signs were there, we both ignored them.

hurtbyhubby, that is one of the hardest things to live with. The fact that I ignored all the signs of her unhappiness and concentrated only on the times when she was happy. Now I realize that her pretended happiness was just a show to throw me off. She was getting her happiness elsewhere and I convinced myself that it wasn't true.<P>But a question that comes to my mind is "do we really want to remove these emotional, romantic 'blinders'??"<P>If I were to go through this sort of "awakening" and start looking for all these signs and prodding her, then all I would do is grow distrust between the two of us. No, I choose to sow trust and honesty, while having a more keen sense of just how she is truly feeling. But we can't all be psychics. If your spouse truly wants to let you know how they are feeling, they won't hide it, but they will share it with you and let you discuss it.

TRUST. Yes. I never thought in a million years he would do it!!! He preached about marriage, responsibility, doing what's right, and commitment and looked down on people who cheated. His Dad did it and he has hated his Dad for 22 years for cheating and leaving. So I thought he would never repeat that!! He didn't approve of Bill Clinton's antics, or his Dad's, but according to him now, "what he's doing is OK, and within the will of God." Boy, this topic sure got my interest and a chance to vent. Never thought he would!! But I wasn't deceived for too long - only 2 weeks, then I found enough proof for him to know he was caught and had to confess.<P>But also another reason for the "blinders".... caution. BS's don't need to jump to conclusions and assume an A has happened if it HASN'T. Proof is necessary - but jummping right into Plan A when there is suspicion will either end the A, or time will bring it to light.<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28

sorry duplicate post ... <p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited July 24, 2001).]

I think that we humans tend to see what we want to see, think what we want to think, and believe what we want to believe.<P>When we're in love, we're even worse. Sometimes we just cannot accept the reality of what is happening to us, you know, we just can't believe someone could treat us so poorly after we have treated them so good. We end up beating our heads against a brick wall trying to convince someone of our undying love esp. when it is clear they don't want our love. <P>I also agree with fighting_spirit that God protects us when we cannot handle the truth. When we are able to accept the truth, we get hit with it so hard that we cannot deny it. THEN, we have to make the tough decisions because love must be tough!<P>Since we cannot predict our feelings, we have to make our decisions with our brains and do the sensible thing that we already know to do. We must stick to what we know rather than what we feel. You know, enforce the consequences...<P>It's like when your kids lie. When someone you love so much lies to you, you want to believe them and that's it. Period.<P>Even facing truth about ourselves is tough because we tend to judge others with magnifying glasses and see ourselves and our faults through rose colored glasses.

Dear FightingSpirit and everyone who responded so far,<P>I agree with you so much; except for your H's sexual preferences, this situation mirrored my own. Like you, I also asked what was wrong--no response. I asked if he was angry with me for some reason--again, no response. I wound up feeling guilty, too, for even thinking 'something' could be wrong. Like a balloon caught in the wind, he was drifting farther and farther away from me and there was nothing, it seemed, I could do about it.<P>After nearly 3 months of knowing that something was wrong, and of enduring very cruel, neglectful treatment from my H, I prayed with all my strength to God to Please show me the truth. Within twenty-four hours of my prayer, I quite accidentally found a very personal letter from a female (married, mutual 'friend' of ours) to him, and suddenly, I knew. Someone else was really in the picture. It hurt like hell and I shook for four hours afterwards. It felt as if someone punched a huge hole in my gut and all that remained was a dark, empty space. <P><BR>Like Lu wrote, my H's only admission was his frustrations on his new job. Long hours, depression and all the rest. I believed him. BUT....it still did not explain his total withdrawal from me. In all our life together, we eventually always turned to love making for showing affection, comfort and unity in all things, no matter how rough the going got. It just wasn't happening any more. Instinctively, I KNEW something very foreign, very bad was going on. I just didn't know what.<P>Like Godlyman, Freddy, and Golfer wrote, my H became very secretive and I hated the feeling of mistrust in him that was steadily growing in me. He, too, was becoming an expert liar. After all, I loved my H with all my heart, mind and soul and would never expect him to hurt me in this way. Like all of you, I was lulled into a feeling of safety and allowed myself to find refuge in "our" love. Looking back now, I see that it was my own feelings that I had faith in. Like Worthatry wrote, the behavior change is so foreign in a WS that it takes us by surprise. For some unknown reason, an affair just doesn't come immediately to mind. <P>As Thinker pointed out, trying to reason with the WS is fruitless. They are incapable of realizing what they are doing to us emotionally. When a WS is so wrapped up in that fog, we no longer exist to them except as an interfering object--a means to get around so they can fulfill their immediate desires.<P>Like Faith1 wrote, it's a good idea to launch Plan A with or without proof of an A, and I only wish to God I had found this site about three months earlier. It would have saved me countless sleepless nights and untold mental anguish.<P>Hurtbyhubby, your road was particularly rough. When a mate has chronic depression (and manic-depressives are the hardest to deal with), it takes super human strength to deal with him or her. I am so happy your H is into counseling. That is the BEST thing either of you could do. God bless and keep up the good work.<P>And, BTDT, your letter really hit home with me. The being so in love with one's mate is such a strong emotion that it is not only our lifesaver at times, but it can be the thing that breaks us as well. I was and still am so in love with my H that I cannot do anything else but try my best to repair our marriage. I've learned so much by coming here--things I probably never would have seen in myself before, and in so doing, am able to grow as a person and mend the hurts I caused him in the past. To my grateful surprise, he is coming around, and is looking at me with a new found respect and admiration. I did not "crumble," nor turn into a vindictive shrew--instead, I turned my full attention to him and let him know that I care about him as a person, as well as my mate. Plan A is a God-send and I cannot praise it enough.<P>All of you had such good responses and I thank you for each one of them. I wrote a very quick letter yesterday and I apologize. My elderly mother is in the hospital now and has terminal cancer. My time during the day is devoted to her, and it's a blessing my H works away during the week, or I'd feel burdened by splitting my time between him and my Mom. <P>Yes, trust is an important issue. Once it's damaged, it can be repaired but it takes time and lots of effort on everyone's part. Being blind to something starts within our selves, I think, and I agree that when God sees we are truly ready to handle the truth, He will reveal it to us. <P>Here is a thought provoker: how does one ready himself for the truth? In my case, there was no place else to turn, no other ideas I could come up with but to pray to God to help me. But, I had to go through three months of sheer torture to feel the pain of rejection hard enough and long enough to open my eyes. Is that it, do you think? Is it possible we need to suffer pain in order to feel the relief of cure?<P>My best wishes to each of you...always,<BR>Winny<P><p>[This message has been edited by Winnytoo (edited July 24, 2001).]