The more time goes by and the more I learn of what H & OW are doing, I become more convinced they will last.<P>I know the stats are against it lasting, esp when you look at the implications of what type person the OW is, but maybe my H is her moral equal. Perhaps this is the type of relationship he has always needed. I just don't see any sign of disharmony or waivering. My H left me in April 2000', so it has been 1 year 3 mos of seperation. <P>The "light of day" date is when they both attended a family function which was in "November 2000'". Before that, my H denied any involvment to his family. So I guess the clock starts there, and that makes it 8.5 mos.<P>This OW is one of the worse OW I have read about on this board, yet by all reports it seems my H is quite comfortable and content.<P>The trigger that compelled me to post this morning is that my H is sending OW to school. Good grief ... what's next?<P>TrueHeart, if you're reading this, is that a good sign or a bad sign <H sending OW to school>?<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"

Jo,<P>As hard as this is to say, it depends on what you mean by a bad or good sign?<P>It may signal that they are planning permanency between them. If he is financing her education, then they may be thinking long term here. <P>Jo, let me ask you something, though? Given that you are hurting and this is not the news you wanted from H and OW, if indeed this is going to come about, you now have a chance, after all this time for your life to move ahead at last? No more worrying about LB, when H may come home, what they are doing? If he is now involving her in family functions and flaunting her as being part of his life, would you not like to let go and start your life? He has had you on hold for over a year and a half...is that fair? <P>I know this is not what you wanted to hear today, and in fact, sucks, but maybe it is a blessing for you to grow and move on. <P>{{{{{HUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGZZZZZZZZZ}}}}}}<P>Email me if you need to, and I can go into a bit more detail with you.<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart

I hear you TrueHeart, and I agree with you. But actually doing it is another thing entirely. Guess I am not emotionally Divorced yet, only legally.<P>This is all new to me, never been D before. So it's VERY hard. K has told me that it will take approx 1 year to get to a place where I can move ahead, I so much wish I was there already. I want to be able to look forward to a new beginnning. But in the meantime, I have accepted I will go thru diff phases, accepting my H's affair as a long term commitment is a phase I am going thru right now and it SUX! I just still see him as my husband.<P>When I knew the D was going to go thru, I told myself that it was most likely going to be the hardest thing I have ever gone thru, but regardless of how hard I THOUGHT is was going to be, I wish it was that easy. Make sense?<P>Thank you TrueHeart, I needed to hear that.<P>Love,<BR>Jo

Hi Jo, yep, a few last. I recommend that we who tried hard but were unsuccessful in restoring our marriages should not label ourselves necessarily as losers, nor are the lasting affairees necessarily winners. The prize may turn out to be something entirely different. I guess it's possible, too, that everyone wins or everyone loses.<P>I don't expect the real score will be tallied until late in life when we can look back over the decades and assess our lives or until judgement day for those of us so inclined.<P>I'd like to believe we can take the undesireable outcomes and mold them to our benefit so that we can all be winners - it's not a contest against someone else, it's a challenge for US against ourselves. We MUST do this or we are doomed to a life of unhappiness. I abhor the thought that we have to rationalize undesireable outcomes and fool ourselves into thinking we're happy - similar to what many affairees have to do. We have to change course and make our own happiness in another way. We are responsible for our happiness - no one else can make us happy. Our unfaithful spouses can make us temporarily unhappy, but if we let them continue this grip, we certainly lose.<P>WAT

WAT...<P>I tend to agree with you. I have been D, and I can tell you there are no winners, no matter the circumstance. Everyones life changes. The best way to see it, IMO, is as a learning experience. You take out of it all the positives you can as you move through life. The best thing to come out of any of this, has been to find the support and comfort of friends and family, including those of you here that have been immensely helpful and supportive. <P>Jo, <P>The journey takes on new meaning. Your H will always be seen that way by you, although his influence on your life will lessen as time goes on. You will remember things, you will struggle with some thoughts from time to time, but the focus can now go back to you, your future and your life. You have, for so long, been giving to him and the M, that you deserve a break. Take a vacation or little getaway if you need to, but do something for you. YOU are what matters!!<P>*Go confidently in the direction of your dreams.*<P>Trueheart