Things have been going really well with H and I. And in the past couple of days, it's multiplied.<P>H has been making some major love bank deposits lately, and my trust for him has built up so much as a result. Yet I'm still having my doubts. And because of that, I'm feeling bad.<P>Just like all of you, our relationship has been to hell, but now we're coming back. H told me last night that it's for good. I can't remember the exact wording he used, but the gist is that he wants us to be together forever (as initially planned when we married). He doesn't want to go through the hurt again. He is honestly putting a grand effort into our marriage now, and as much as I love it, I still have my doubts that it's for good. <P>As far as the other women go, I have no doubt in my mind that he won't contact them again, and I trust him that when he says he doesn't want to and won't, that it's the truth. Maybe my doubts are based on my not trusting OW#1? I hate that I"m still giving her power!! AUGH!!!<P>This is mostly stemming from our conversation late last night, as we talked about the kids' surnames. The twins were born after our separation began, and I named them using our surnames, hyphenated. I never did change my surname on paper after we married, although I always wanted to (but I didn't want to pay the money that the government wants for it.. as minimal as it is).<P>H opened up to me that it really hurt him, the way I named the twins, but I think he understands why. (there's a long background to it all.. mainly the fact that both of us are the last in our families that can carry on our surnames.. which is why all the kids have had my maiden name as a middle name to begin with).<P>I really do want to change all of our names to Kelly. No hyphenations as Lennon-Kelly. But I'm afraid. If things don't work out between H and I in the longrun, I'll want my maiden name to be carried on with the boys as a surname.<P>What I need from all of you out there is some positive input as to why I should take on Kelly only, for me and all the boys. Please help me get rid of this fear I have. I could still do it, knowing it would do wonders for our relationship and be one of the biggest ever love deposits into my H's lovebank... but I want to do it for both of us, not just for him.<P>I should add that I did express my fears to H last night. But we're both too involved in this situation to come to an agreement on it right now. That's why I'm looking for a little boost from you all. Any comments, suggestions, or questions would be much appreciated. Thanks!<P>Karen<P>p.s. the only thing I could come up with and touched on with H would be to have some sort of marriage contract made up regarding our surnames. Basically, that if we were to be apart, that I could keep Kelly. ( I know that I can legally, but I wouldn't want him to resent that I did ).

Hi Karen. It is so awesome that your H is trying so hard for you. This is a tough one, but one of the positive things you can think of is that it will make you closer as a family. When you fill out all your forms or when you go places as a family, you no longer have to say, no his last name Kelly, the kids are Lennon. <P>I understand your fear, but you have to take the plunge and believe it will work out. Holding back, just incase, won't cut-in. All or nothing. It's the same thing with your husband, you wouldn't want him to hold back, you want 100% from him, right?<P>Just go for it. You can change them back later, can't you? <P>HbH<P>

hbh: thanks for responding. I know it's not an easy and direct question to answer.<P>I think I'm afraid of wanting the need to change the names back. Does that make sense? (grin). I so much for 'kids need consistency', so the last thing I want to do is to be changing it on them.<P>Granted, when I originally did the hyphenating, I expected that the kids would eventually choose one name over the other when they got older. And it would be their choice.<P>A strange thing about me I noticed... when growing up, I always planned on taking my husband's name. It was no big deal. But when push came to shove, I was afraid to lose my old identity. Karen Kelly hadn't accomplished anything, but Karen Lennon had... and she didn't want to feel like she was starting from scratch.<P>Maybe I'm making this out to be more than it really is? I'm not sure.<P>I hear ya, I expect 100% from my H, and should expect to give 100%. And if that's what it takes to reach that goal, then so be it. And you are right, all the names could be changed back if necessary. Not that I want them to of course... I'm just a lot more cautious in everything now. That blindfold is off, and I'm learning how to deal with life in an MB perspective. I like it, but it's hard work too.<P>Karen<BR>

Karen,<P>I think you should also make all surnames the same, it will show a commintment on your part. This is touchy I know but I think you are doing the right thing. It seems as though the farther we dive into the fog the more significant the decisions become. I guess this is normal. I just wish that each and every state in the US could be more like AR where they require marriage counseling befoer you can divorce. Hang in there Karen, we are all with you and praying for you.<P>God Bless!<P>GC

Karen:<P>Glad that the recovery is beginning to proceed apace.<P>Hmm. A dilemma on the surname. A possible course of action: Discuss it with your husband, encourage his input (huge love unit deposit possibliities here). Tell him how you honestly feel and the quandary you feel you are in. Tell him that you want and need his input, that it is important to you.<P>The alternative is to tell the kids later, when they are older, about their surname choice(s).<P>No wrong or right answer to this issue, as long as you follow the POJA, it will be mutual and non-LBing.<P>Godspeed,<BR>STL

Thanks all.<P>I talked to H tonight after he came home from work. I told him that I really do want to change all of our surnames so that they are Kelly, but I'm trying to identify what my fear factors are in changing them.<P>Yes, it is VERY important to him that we all have the same name. So as soon as we can, we will start whatever processes are necessary to do whatever changes need to be done. It will take a few months (because to start with, for my name, we have to request another copy of our marriage license since our original one got lost in our move from Toronto to London over 3 yrs ago). It all has to be done through the government.. so we all know that will take a while! LOL<P>Thanks again everyone... I just needed a little boost to remind me that this is something I should do. <P>Karen<BR>