For years my H would go out with family, friends, anyone but me. For years I tried to tell him that when he never invited me along, it made me feel like he was embarassed to be seen with me. For years he told me that I was being rediculous and silly. Well, H came home 4 weeks ago after 5 month A. He was waffling on the no contact (he's still lying about talking to her, as far as I can tell). He has had trouble talking about our problems (i.e., what EN's did she fill that I wasn't filling, talk about trust, etc) since he came home. Well, he's been going to his sister's once a week for dinner (without me). He doesn't ask me to go along, and I've learned not to ask (because I get "the look" and feel rejected). Now, one of the problems right now is that I am totally insecure when he leaves at night. I did NOT call his sister's last night while he was there. I have in the past, and he accuses me of "checking up on him." Last night he went to his sister's, but they ended up going out to a restaurant for dinner. He did NOT call me and tell me of the change in plans. I found out when he got home 3 hours later. I didn't say anything last night about it. I just got off the phone with him. I asked him if he would be willing/able to do some things to reassure me about his whereabouts during this initial period of recovery. I told him I was feeling very insecure (especially because he continues to lie about talking to OW) and that I felt that maybe he shouldn't be going to his sister's without me for a period of time. He said "I really don't see the situation the same as you do, and I don't know WHAT I could do for you to reassure you." So I said, so basically you're telling me that I have NO reason to be insecure right now? He said "yeah." So it's the same as it always has been, he doesn't understand my feelings, so they must be invalid. He also told me that he's really sick of talking about things since he got home. He said that when I told him that I thought we could get through this and I could get past the A, he believed me, but since coming home, he just thinks that's not true. What do I do? I really feel that my H does not love me, otherwise why couldn't he do ANYTHING to allay my fears?

myownme,<BR>I think that you need to relax, give your H some space, and keep Plan A'ing. He has to believe your changes, and feel comfortable making steps toward learning and filling your EN's. SOunds like he is not ready to fill your EN's. Plan A is VERY one-sided for a while. You need to make a list of his true EN's - not yours - things that make him feel good, and learn how to meet them. THen make a list of things that bug him - that push him away (like asking for reassurance via phone calls, etc - to him he feels like he is on a leash) - and refrain from doing those things (LB's). It's hard as H-E- double hockey sticks to give and give and expect NOTHING in return for a while. Consider it paying into a CD or investment that will pay big returns LATER.<P>Here's an excellent post by Orchid, that you may not have seen yet. I'm not saying that you are controlling - I don't know you well enough - but you still might can gain a little help from this thread and taking the quiz that is suggested there.<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011262.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/011262.html</A> <P>Hang in there. ANd I'm sure other advice will be along soon.<P>hugggssssss<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28<p>[This message has been edited by Faith1 (edited August 02, 2001).]

Dear Myownme, <P>Or it could be that he is not ready to come home. He is still showing his anger. He is not accepting or wanting to be with his family. Anger could be at his attitude, frustration of his internal feelings, whatever it is it is anger and you are going to be his primary target. <P>Is there somewhere else he can stay? I know I let my H back too soon and was given similar lines. Yet it was his idea to come home. Go figure. Even they don't know what they need to do but I'll bet he does not think he is in the fog. My H hates the fog word. Says he is not in the fog until he can't explain himself and then will admit to being somewhat foggy. <P>Maybe your H needs time away from both you and OW. He needs to reconcile his feelings. Do you both have counselors you can speak to separately? <P>L.<BR>

Myownme,<P>For years, my H rarely took me anywhere. It was one of our biggest problems. He couldn't understand that I wanted to spend time with him. <P>My H didn't take kindly to being asked for reassurance either. He wanted me to forget A had ever happened. This each time he came back. I think for us, part of it was his guilt and part was that he knew he'd go back to OW again. <P>It's hard for me to see my H as being in the fog. It's too easy to believe that he knows exactly what he's doing and why. In any case, much of what he does and says makes me wonder. He must be in a fog right? <P>I sometimes wonder if my H loves me too. Because of everything our WSs say and do, it's easy to fall into that thinking. I know that he does though. I'm fighting for that love to resurface. <P>I don't have any advice to give...just letting you know that I understand how you feel. As hard as it is, hang in there.<P>MS<BR>

Myownme,<P>I've been wondering how your situation is going. I feel we have some things in common. My H will be coming home this weekend after a 2 month stay at his mom's even though he has not committed to saving our marriage. I have no words of wisdom. I would just recommend giving him the space that he is requesting, yet try to schedule some couple time as well.<P>Good Luck! Heck

Thanks everyone. I have prayed and prayed about this. Last night when I got home my H and I talked and we both agreed to back off. We also agreed to a "minimum" timeframe that we would stay together no matter how tough things are. We agreed that we would try this until the end of the year. My only stipulation was that if things started up again with OW, then he would have to leave. We are both going to separate counseling and joint counseling with the came counselor. This way, the counselor can introduce things that come up in our individual sessions if we are comfortable, at our joint sessions. I have not been doing a good Plan A since he got home, and I am recommiting myself to doing that. I am re-reading SAA. Truthfully, when he filled out the E/N questionnaire, I found that for his top 5 needs, I'm meeting almost all of them. He has quite a different top 5 then what is the norm (I feel). They are:<P>Financial<BR>Domestic<BR>Physical Attractiveness<BR>Recreational Companionship<BR>Truth and Honesty<P>Of course, mine are totally different! He has told me that he doesn't know if he's willing to try to meet my E/N's, so whoever said that above, was right. He's not in a good place right now. Mine were:<P>Truth and Honesty (that's a no-brainer, after the A)<BR>Admiration<BR>Affection<BR>Recreational Companionship<BR>Sex<P>I thank all of you for the honesty, tough love and wisdom that I get from you.<P>Kari