Can Anyone help me with this ? my H and I did some talking this morning, nice and calmly and something he said to me really opened my eyes to how he is feeling. He is holding so much anger and resentment toward me because of the way I was treating him before A started, I admit I was not perfect I realize I was not there for him i had some issues of my own and our M suffered because of this. But by no means does this justify what he did to me. if I can forgive what he did to me why can't he let go of the anger he feels towards me? I really feel if he were to let this go he would realize what he is giving up. do you think this is just an excuse for him to come and go as he pleases? I guess I am grasping for straws here, but he still is saying he is leaving I guess I am having a difficult time with the fact that he is leaving and I am not sure when. Everyday is a struggle and I go back to work on Sept. 5, after being off for 3 weeks,and he used to talk to her after I left and the kids left for school so I guess that is on my mind to. So if anyone can offer some advice that would great, thanks Sally

Hi Sally,<P>I wish I could offer advice, but instead I can only tell you I am in the same position. My H cant seem to forgive me either, and he had the affair... We had a talk and he was so angry. Yet he expects me to forgive and never talk about the affair, not to metion that he still has contact with her.<P>I wonder if it is his defensiveness kicking in, if he forgave me, then how can he keep blaming me and keep seeing her without massive guilt?<BR>Lora

Hi Lora, Thanks for the reply, I am sorry that you have to deal with this too, it doesn't make any sense when there the ones that had the Affair. Maybe your right that it is there defensiveness kicking in in order for someone to blame. I am just so tired of living like this, when I am doing all I can and he is coming and going as he pleases and he is the one that had the A. I am not sure if H is still in contact with OW, he broke it off that I know, but some things have led me to believe that he is in contact. Well take care and good luck, Love Sally

Hi Sally,<P>My WS is still angry with me too, his PA ended last January and I know for certain he was in contact via emails and phone until at least June, and speaking from experience, I know he was always angrier with me when he was having contact with OW, so that may indeed be what is happening with your H. <P>My H. is moving out next week and is extremely angry with me the past few days, and it makes me wonder if things between him and OW are heating up once again!

He needs to conjure up anger to justify what he is doing. I suspect he has been demonizing you in his head to condone his actions. It's pretty hard to do what he is doing to an innocent bystander, but if you are the devil incarnate, there is not as much guilt to bear. As long as you keep Plan Aing him, the harder it will be for him to demonize you and hence, justify his actions.

Sad Sally,<BR>I went through this, too. My H was so mad at me, but I kept plan A-ing him, and things have definitely changed. First of all, he no longer blames me, he blames himself. Yes, I was not paying attention to him like I should've, but hindsight.......... He will probably be hostile for awhile, but with every nice word and action that you do, it puts out a little anger in him. Trust me. I thought he would never speak to me again, but things are starting to look up for us. He has been home more lately than in the past 8 months. He lives in another town, so it is an effort to drive here (120 miles). I am trying to play it cool, and not LB, but it is a constant effort on my part. With God, it has been a lot easier. I got through it by praying, and talking to whomever would listen---this place is a good site---didn't know it was here until I was through the most difficult part!! A lot of people know your pain and frustration, and will be saying prayers, as I will!!! Try not to be discouraged, and know that God has a wonderful plan for your life!!!!<P>Faith n Him

Hi Sally. Boy do I know what you mean.My H and I have been separated for 5mos.says that there has been no A. He only has a friendship with this female co-worker who is also married.I'm sure that there has been an EA but I don't think PA unless I am really naive. I to was not the perfect wife I put everything before my H. The kids, the house, my job, my friends. I was absolutely wrong in doing this. I have always loved my H but did not always show him my love or the attention he needed. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about this, however I cannot do anything nor can you to change the past. H and I also had a talk this weeekend and he told me that he resents me for alot of this and doesn't know if he has it in him to recommit to our M. He stil continues to talk to the OP on the phone they see each other at work. This hurts me a great deal because I can tell when he has contact with her b/c he is distant with me, easily annoyed, frustrated. I'm sure it's easier on them to be mean and hurtful to us because it eases their guilt and makes them feel better about what they are doing. Hang in there. <BR>cybil

My H also had ALOT of built up anger toward me before the A began. I dont think he even realized how much anger he has stuffed down inside himself and not dealt with or forgiven me for over 15 yrs of marriage. He especially was angry and hurt that I didnt go to his dad's funeral 8 years ago with him! At the time he was fine with the reasons why but all these years he's been angry that I didnt change all my plans and go with him. Only now 6 mo after D-day are we working thru this built up anger he had towards me. It can be done with counseling and forgiving each other but I think its only possible when they are thru withdrawal and completely DONE with their OP!lifeismessy

Thank you all so much for replying to my post It makes me feel so much better to know that there are other people going through this. I wasn't sure if I should even have posted this ? because it seemed so strange for the WS to be angry with the BS. All of you are so right with everything you said. He refuses counseling but I am praying everyday that he changes his mind. It is very hard to think of him still in contact with OW when he insists that he has not spoken to her since he ended it,but cybil I think you are right that he is distant and angry,frustrated that is a red flag. Thanks againfor all your input it is greatly appreciated. Your all in my Prayers love Sally

Hi Sally,<P>My H was also very angry with me. Our shrink told me my H's anger was something he was holding on to as a defense mechanism. As long as he was angry at me and holding me at bay he could justify having an affair. And she was very right. I kept steady in my Plan A (6 mos in) and my H eventually told me he was learning to love me again, his anger started to dissapate. <P>Stay steady with improving yourself, Sally. This isn't easy. Try not to focus on him so much, and work more on you. It's going to take some time, try and be patient and don't take his anger personally. I know it's hard.<P>Prayers,<BR>Jo

Thanks resilient, I do believe that makes sense. I am trying to focus on me and not him but it is so hard. I try to read into everything he says or does and its exhausting me mentally, I really need to let this go and focus on other things. Thanks you gave me some hope, maybe I'll sleep tonight. Love Sally

Sally- I posted to you on this already but I just wanted to add you should do extra things to make yourself feel better until your marriage is in more of a healing stage.Think of what helps you cope- hot baths with a glass of wine? New magazines/books/ clothes/perfume? I know I spent a small fortune on myself the months that H was in withdrawal/anger. Now I have quit shoppping and cut down on my FREQUENT trips to Starbucks for lattes and lemoncake but I dont regret doing what I needed to do to cope at the time. I can now work on our budget more but I had to do what I had to do for myself at the time. We are now doing MUCH better- after H's anger stage then I went into an ager stage too due to suppressed anger at him from being in Plan A- we are now finally starting to forgive each other. lifeismessy

Anger is the road to independence. Your WS will hold on to that anger until they are "off the fence". Its not that it makes the A justifiable -- its what makes leaving you justifiable. <P>If they forgive you, what reason will they have for leaving? Leaving because of an affair is socially unacceptable. Leaving because they have reasons (anger) is much more accepted.<P>I guess I believe that the anger will go away when the decision is made.

I hadn't explored that theory, Lexxy. But then I have a question regarding it.<P>Why are there so many WS's that don't want to leave or don't leave but are still angry with the BS? Wouldn't that scenario suggest they are trying to justify having an A as opposed to justify their leaving? <P>Personally, my H did not want to leave, but he did want to continue his A. [Mr. Cakeman]<P>Jo<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 28, 2001).]